Relatable podcast 

Dr. Liz:
Hey, welcome to relatable relationships. Unfiltered. If you're looking for one of the most effective ways to improve connection in the bedroom, this is going to require that you start communicating more openly and honestly about what's going well and the things that you would like to see improve, or even just shift a little bit. Joining me today is Brittany Greene, a certified intimacy and relationship coach. Brittany is here to give us some tips on better communication for overall better connection. All right. This is relatable relationships unfiltered. Brittany welcome to relatable.

 

Brittany Green:
Thank you. Thank you so much for having me I'm so excited.

 

Dr. Liz:
Yes. Thank you for being here. And, I was just informed by Brittany that it is midnight where she is at right now. So she is committed to really giving you guys this message so very grateful. Thank you.

 

Brittany Green:
Of course. Of course, with Valentine's Day, sometimes you needed a little break in the middle. So it's good.

 

Dr. Liz:
It's very true. Yeah. What are your thoughts around this day before we jump in?

 

Brittany Green:
You know, I don't get so caught up in the commercialization of Valentine's. I think it is beautiful that we've decided to dedicate a day to love. And I try not to let you know the money hungry aspect of it completely block in the fact that we give love to our friends, our neighbors, our lovers. There's so much love to give into. Have a day set aside to celebrate that it's beautiful and we really shouldn't, you know, discount that or make it seem like it's not as important as it is. You don't have to spend money to show love, but to dedicate a day to it is very important.

 

Dr. Liz:
Yeah, I agree, I yeah, I did an interview around it recently and I, I agree I said the same thing that it could be a handwritten card, it could be little like post-it notes stuck all over the place. It doesn't have to cost money, acts of service. But but just someone that they're special. Yes, we want to do it all year. But I agree that there's something about today that it's okay to go out of your way to show them.

 

Brittany Green:
It is, it is. And there's so many types of love. It doesn't have to be so concentrated on the relationship. But of course, that's what we do mainly in. But I feel like people totally throw it away sometimes because they don't have a particular partner. But you can always love.

 

Dr. Liz:
Exactly. My kid has been my Valentine's. This is, he's 16. So this we're going on 16 years of it, and, works for me. So really tell everybody, who you are and what you do and what you specialize in.

 

Brittany Green:
Okay, so I'm pretty great. I am coach and consultant. I went to university for behavior, so I study behavior and animal behavior and human behavior. And that was my main focus. And I took that and learning and focusing on relationships at the Kinsey Institute at Indiana University. Wow. I became very obsessed one class and and I was completely taken with it. So the discussions, relationships, dating, sexuality and intimacy are my main focus is. And what I try to bring into the world with, very main growth, focus and being, towards the light. I like to not say I'm completely faith based, because I don't want to cut myself off from any particular community, but I'm definitely spiritually focused. And how to make sure that we keep, like in regards to dating and relationships and how we move forth in life and how that brings us exactly what we want. So my focus is growth.

 

Dr. Liz:
I love it, I love it. My, practice is called evolve. So evolve counseling. and so same idea. And that was a big part, you know, when I went, when I named it, I realized how often I said evolve in my sessions. Like, you know, there were always evolving and, the, the purpose is to evolve. And I was like, okay, that that must mean something. So I can definitely resonate with you. You know, that growth mindset. Who was your primary client? Like what?

 

Brittany Green:
My primary client is typically, later age 20s and 60s. Honestly, I work with people who are getting back into the dating after long term relationships and people who are just starting to realistically look for a life partner. So not exactly casual dating. So I focus on people who are really looking to make a life time relationship with a partner and to have a healthy relationship on sexual relationship and not be caught in the typical bubble or box that is set aside for most of society.

 

Dr. Liz:
Which is so important because our messaging around intimacy and sex and relationships and all of it is so heavily skewed by society, and it is so somebody has decided for us what we should think about it, what we should feel about it, believe about it, and the impact on our ability to enjoy it and to experience pleasure is so greatly impeded upon with these societal, you know, expectations and views. And so that is so important and ties into what we're going to be talking about today around the idea of communication when it comes to sex and intimacy and, deeper relationships that if we're both walking into it with, like these preconceived notions or these misconceptions, and then we're not talking about each other's beliefs around it, and we're not digging into that. We end up with a lot of hurt feelings, a lot of resentment, a lot of rejection. So let's dig into that connection and peace as a it's a heavy lift for you. where do you start with that? So if somebody you know is wanting to get to know their partner better intimately, whether they're in a new relationship or they've been together for a while, where do you jump in?

 

Brittany Green:
first, I want to talk about where they're at right now and where they started, because sometimes, relationship apps don't exactly start on, let's say, a high chemistry level.

 

Dr. Liz:
Sure.

 

Brittany Green:
And the reality is, before relationships really had nothing to do with chemistry and love, they were all about, how are you going to help me? How am I going to survive? And so for me, it's very important to know.

 

Dr. Liz:
Where a.

 

Brittany Green:
Relationship is starting and what they're looking for and how to build beyond that. So if you're looking for something healthy and you didn't have, let's say, the strong chemistry before, but you had the strong connection before, I want to talk about how we can build that up, how we can connect with each other because sometimes it's not even looked at and they assume it can't happen because it hasn't happened before. But just because it hasn't happened before to you doesn't mean that it can't happen. I mean, it's kind of like orgasms, right? Different type girls have that type before. It doesn't mean it's not possible. So, a lot of people have disconnects in their relationships and they feel like it's just never possible because maybe it wasn't there in the beginning and they never looked for that in their partner. They never saw them in that way. So sometimes it's about connecting and building something from scratch, even though all they have, let's say the emotional part, but they don't have the physical part. Other times I have to go and build the emotional part up and they have the physical part, but because the emotional parts are there, they're lacking something because as we know, in a physical relationship, especially in the longer term, if you don't have the emotional basis, then you're going to lose the physical basis at the same time.

 

Dr. Liz:
Completely, completely. And that is almost always where I start is with the emotional intimacy piece. I talk a lot about five types of intimacy emotional, physical, spiritual, experiential. and I'm losing the last one, intellectual. Like my favorite one.

 

Brittany Green:
I miss intellectual, I guess I would say being we, you know, it's definitely going to be intellectual for I.

 

Dr. Liz:
Exactly. And so I talk with my clients a lot about that and what, what is so often missing is there's not an emotional intimacy. There's not a foundation of it. And so when maybe a couple has been together for a really long time and they're great partners, you know, logistically they're maybe raising kids together. They're taking care of a home, a yard. They have their jobs. But when they really stop to look at their connection, it's often lacking, which then results in their sexual intimacy lacking, and all the way around it leads to more conflict. It leads to more irritability. So that is almost always where I start to dig in of, like, what is their emotional intimacy look like? And I do that by even asking, you know, what a hard conversations look like. And it is wild how often people they've been together for years and years and they don't have hard conversations, or they don't talk about sex, they don't take, you know, time each week to just bond and like literally like sync up. co regulate. It's really hard to like be super committed to somebody emotionally be like really invested in somebody when you're not putting in that investment.

 

Brittany Green:
It is. And it's very hard to, be sexually turned on by somebody continually. If you don't feel that investment. Right. And that's for men and women, and it's often discounted as a woman thing. But that's not true. There are a lot of men who, when it comes down to it, you really start to talk to them and question them. They haven't told them that they were handsome, that they were attracted to them, that they appreciated them. They haven't been, you know, sexually, advancing towards them and times where they didn't start it. And it's just so many times both ways where the emotional side is missing, even if one maybe doesn't notice it. Yeah.

 

Dr. Liz:
Yeah. But and I oh go ahead.

 

Brittany Green:
No they they. Yeah. But but once you get to that and then you think to understand that it seems to be like oh okay. You know, I like to talk about the male members directly attached to the emotions and the female is not we can actually it's it's common that women can do sexual acts without being sexually attracted. But men literally can't if they don't have, if they don't feel comfortable, they don't feel safe, if they don't have some type of way of their emotions are out of whack with you, they can't perform. And women don't exactly have the exact, you know, the same notion. We can and also we have things like lube that can conceal if we're interested or not. And so we can easily cover that up, whereas a male can. And it's important to really acknowledge that this is important, the emotional aspect of relationships. And the more freedom when it comes to sexuality these days, people are learning the importance of it because of this Tinder, Bumble, all of these social media relationships and quick sex is starting to make even men understand that it's actually not so great. It's actually not so fulfilling. Right?

 

Dr. Liz:
Right. And that I always say that the the, the emotional intimacy leads to the mind blowing sexual intimacy. And for a lot of people, they can enjoy it just for the sake of enjoying it. And I think that's great. But there is a there's a different energy that goes on when you are emotionally attached to somebody, when you are emotionally invested, engaged, bonded. And what you said earlier is so true that the most important aspect of that is that it creates safety and good sex without safety is just not a thing, because.

 

Brittany Green:
Whether.

 

Dr. Liz:
You're feeling insecure, you're feeling guarded, and all of that is attached. in the book Come as You Are, she talks about the accelerator and the brake, and that is so true. So the accelerator being that, okay, we're ready to go and certain things have to be in place for us to be ready to go. And then the brake is, I'm not feeling comfortable. I'm feeling insecure. I, I don't like the environment. what's going on on the other side of the door? You know, there's, like, so.

 

Brittany Green:
Many people in.

 

Dr. Liz:
And yeah, there's so many elements there. But really the distinction is that when emotional intimacy exists, you can turn to your partner and say, like, yo, I'm feeling really uncomfortable because of X, Y, and Z, and you guys can pivot and you can figure it out from there. When it doesn't exist, you either just try to force it, which leads to a whole slew of other issues, or you're just say things like, I'm not feeling it, I'm not into it, you know, not tonight, things like that. Which then leads to the rejection and the resentments. Yeah. So this communication piece is so, so important.

 

Brittany Green:
Yeah. I can't get over how important communication is and how to interpret communication. and getting to know a partner actually talking about these things. And what are you interested in and getting to re know your partner. What do you still like? When are you still interested in what what have you found interesting lately that I don't know about. And that is actually a little more rare when these long term partners, even people over three years, they just stop asking questions. They just I know my partner well. People change. We all, we we're constantly growing, we're constantly changing. And we don't want to get in that static mindset that we just know what somebody wants and needs without continuously checking in and going, hey, have you found anything interesting about yourself that I don't know? Or, you know what? What new thing did you hear on a podcast that you see on it or in what do you want to share with me? Oh, always be interested, always be communicating is, for me, the the main goal of what I teach my clients. I'll always be interested, always be communicating and never stop. Like that's a lifelong thing.

 

Dr. Liz:
Yeah. And so backing up though a little bit because I agree like never stop communicating. However, what about the couples that never started. So I have a lot of clients who I work, but like, you know, of all types of sexual orientation, gender, all of that, and I hear it commonly that, well, if I ask, it means I don't know what I'm doing or if I bring it up, that's that's awkward. That's going to make me look stupid. and so those insecurities often lead to people not even bringing it up to begin with. So let's start there. If somebody is not comfortable with talking about sex, which is very common, where do we even how do we start this conversation?

 

Brittany Green:
Yeah, the ego is a hell of a drug. it's. We getting control of that is pretty difficult. I think it starts with mindset. So first we want to take ourselves out of this notion from TV, movies, songs, music, whatever that says. If I ask a question, I am in that,

 

Dr. Liz:
That not these are me. I'm telling you what, Brittany. I know that 90s R&B screwed us all.

 

Brittany Green:
Up, okay? It did. Oh, man. 90s R&B and a lot of hip hop.

 

Dr. Liz:
And a lot of hip.

 

Brittany Green:
Hop. If you don't know and you're not going in yet.

 

Dr. Liz:
All of the songs. Right. That's I mean, the One Minute man. And they talk about size and how long your lasting. All of it is.

 

Brittany Green:
It is it's it's catchy and it's defeating. Yes. And so making sure that we learn how to take ourselves out of this mindset, communicating with our partner and asking them what they like, what they're interested in, and then sharing where, where it's actually a bonding experience. It's actually can be very hot, can be very sexy, and it's not nearly as embarrassing as people make it seem like it is, or that they create this notion in their mind that I can't even bring it up because then I don't know what I'm doing right. I think for the most part, when we talk to another person that we're interested in on that intimacy level, we think that they have a good idea of what's going on. Even if they were to ask those questions, I feel like it makes people comfortable. It makes you feel like we're on the same level. We can relate better. We're both a little bit nervous. We're both thinking about things. This is this is a way to bond. Close it. It isn't a way to make you look stupid or to make you look like you don't know what you're doing, because in the end, if you talk, you're gonna know what you're doing.

 

Dr. Liz:
So you got to be doing it right because you're a gift.

 

Brittany Green:
To be doing right. Yeah. So there's no embarrassing to act like you know what you're doing. And then to do it wrong, it's exponentially more embarrassing to put in a group. And we're girls. We have our group chat. We know. Yeah, right. And people. But I would say it's sexier. Who guy talks to us? Or if a woman talks to us and lets us know what their wants and needs, and then we have an amazing experience. But if you you're in here talking about how much you know and how great you are and, and it doesn't turn out that way, I kid you not, it's so much worse. And if you ask some question.

 

Dr. Liz:
Right. And there's not as much. So even speaking about for like, well, I guess for newer partners and partners that have been together, but thinking in terms of like a new sexual partner, if they're not asking questions and they're not trying to explore and get to know what you want and, you know, just showing up with all this confidence or whatever you want to call it, ego in the world. And it's not good. We're not doing it again. We're not we're signing back up for that. But if they were checking in, if they were exploring, if they were, you know, really assessing verbally and non-verbally prior. But even throughout the experience, at least we know them. They care like they were invested in the experience and they they cared about pleasuring us. And so even if it wasn't perfect, even if it wasn't like mind blowing out the gate, we're going to be more open to doing it again because we know, like, okay, they're open to me telling them, like, hey, a little to the left or, you know, like whatever that looks like. So I think that's such an important part of it.

 

Brittany Green:
It really is. And I feel like that should be talked about more often, because men really are under this whole mindset. And again, we can talk about the patriarchy and how it discounts men and how it's so harmful to them in themselves. But really, they the thought of seeming like you just are perfect and knowing what you're doing, but you're getting your skills from porn, which is off or shot. The angle you like when it comes to the bad.

 

Dr. Liz:
Like, not for that. Any type of shot.

 

Brittany Green:
I mean, when we've all had that conversations with our girlfriends and it was like, yeah, I remember that shot in the porn and I don't know why they decided or it looked good, but it wasn't feeling good. I didn't feel connected. It may have been a circus, but it wasn't one that I was related to and actually having fun at. And it's important to remember that even if you have these skills that you learn from pornography or, these, these type of, mechanisms, you are actually always giving pleasure and bonding and building something with somebody. Yeah. When you speak to somebody, when you tell them that you care, when you ask questions, oh my God, being curious is so hard. Being curious when you just assume you're saying you don't care enough to ask me. Actually, what I feel, what I like, and who I am as a person. Because in Europe, lumping me in with every former lover, everything you've read and things and it's good to read and study. But if you don't ask the questions to the particular person that you're with, then what are you really learning? Like it's about the person that you're with.

 

Dr. Liz:
And why are you really there? Like only for your your own pleasure, right? Like you're there to get off, you're not there to connect. And that's.

 

Brittany Green:
What.

 

Dr. Liz:
That. Yeah. And that is not that's not mind blowing for anyone. That's not even mind blowing for the person getting off because like, it's it's not the same experience.

 

Brittany Green:
No, it's not in, that process, in understanding that it's actually not great for you either. Right. It's not great. Even though it may be a great story. It's not great reality. It's not a great experience. Absolutely.

 

Dr. Liz:
Yeah. And I think these conversation early on. So the other value of them is also to provide the reassurance. And so like you were saying earlier that both people can say, you know, I'm feeling kind of nervous too. And I think that that creates safety. But also maybe if somebody is feeling more nervous than the other, it's a good opportunity for reassurance, like to provide the safety around like it's okay, like it doesn't. It is what it is. Like I'm here because of you and I want to connect with you. And that can also really influence, you know, how the whole thing, how the whole thing goes, how you both show up to that, that is a tool that I commonly use. So if a couple is like, this is so awkward, I do not want to talk about it. Like intimacy cards are a great way just to ease into it. Yes, they're kind of corny. They're kind of like cliche. Okay, fine, but you're not talking about it at all. So at least, you know, use this as your gateway into it. but I've used that with partners in the past of, you know, the intimacy cards, and it's maybe over dinner or something like that. You know, it's it's just kind of fun. It's fun to dig in. It's fun. You find out things that you didn't know and that, you know, maybe surprise you. And that is another element that leads to the chemistry, because chemistry is kind of founded in that, in the novelty, in the unknown. So when you're finding out these new things about your partner, that can be pretty sexy to.

 

Brittany Green:
I totally agree. I actually love those intimacy cards, because they also think of questions that you maybe didn't think of yourself, but you definitely want to know. The answer to is the pressure of.

 

Dr. Liz:
You asking, yeah.

 

Brittany Green:
You're like, yeah, I didn't need to know that you're interested in this. I'm glad someone thought to ask it. And so they're a great one. If you're nervous because then you don't have to put it on yourself for saying, I want to know this. You can go the card. The card asks this, right?

 

Dr. Liz:
And then both people are answering, which I think is the other element of it is like when you think about questions and this exploration, a lot of times it feels like somebody has an agenda, right? And so it makes it a common for the other person to go on the defense they get, they get a little ruffled. They get like, why do you need and like, why are you asking that? Like, what's the purpose of asking that? I had a partner like here recently, and that was when I asked questions out that was like, what? Why would where did that come from? Why am I first of all, I'm a fucking therapist. So all these.

 

Brittany Green:
Like, so.

 

Dr. Liz:
Like you're gonna have to get used to it. And second of all, if that's so defensive every time, you might want to check into that as well. You know, that's so with the, decks though when you use that, it does a little bit take out the defensiveness because then they don't feel so much like you have an agenda.

 

Brittany Green:
Yes, I completely agree with you because then it's not on you. It's not about you.

 

Dr. Liz:
I'm like, it's my faults. I just.

 

Brittany Green:
You know, all the things I see. I didn't write it though. I have used those cards before and ask the question that wasn't on the card and I just held I just held the card and I was like, yeah. So that answer seven.

 

Dr. Liz:
It's all like specific to your sex life. Yeah.

 

Brittany Green:
You don't Saturday.

 

Dr. Liz:
Oh my God, that's so funny. Did you get your answer?

 

Brittany Green:
I did, I did, and embarrassingly enough, after he answered, he lifted up the card. I was like, yeah, that was not the question. But now that I'm cut, I'm just going to say I wanted to know it. Thank you for answering.

 

Dr. Liz:
But I think that's such a great point that it can we can feel embarrassed and insecure about asking things about wanting to know this information. And so, yeah, so the intimacy cards are a great approach to that. also just going into it with like putting a disclaimer on it sometimes of like, hey, I want to talk about this and I'm feeling really nervous. So, you know, if you can just be safe, if you can be kind and gentle while we're talking, I would really appreciate it also can be so helpful.

 

Brittany Green:
I think disclaimers are undervalued in the relationship community. Yeah. Okay. Great, I really do. I think before a conversation about so many things, it's great to start with it. Hey. I'm not angry. I just want to like, talk about this and just have a discussion calmly about these things that I'm interested in because coming in hot is how we get off course. Yeah.

 

Dr. Liz:
Yes. Because immediately everyone's triggered. So you're coming, you know, straight in without even asking, is this a good time to talk, or are you available to talk with your headspace, like to talk and you just launch in and I, I definitely have a history of doing this. It's something I've worked on, for years now. A couple partners ago, he made me very aware of it. Like, hey, you can't just like drop a bomb, like without any heads up. And I'm like, okay, but I kind of just wanted to know what you want to talk about this. so that's something I've become very aware of, of, you know, is it a good time to talk? Are you both in a good headspace? Is the environment appropriate for it? and all of that makes a huge difference, especially for these vulnerable topics, because if we really set the table for it, then it doesn't lead to the the common triggers that take place when that other person is caught off guard. So they might snap at you, they might get defensive, which then makes your survival behaviors flare up. And now this conversation that was really about like, hey, how can we have better sex? Or how can we have sex more often? Or, you know, it could have been a really good conversation is turned into conflict.

 

Brittany Green:
Yeah, yeah, that happens so often. And I can totally relate to that. We grow. We grow so much, don't we? And no matter who we are, like, no matter our studies, no matter like we show people, we we still it's relatable. Yes, this. Yeah, we still go through these things and we have to figure this stuff out. I was in a relationship for 14 years, from 1932, and it's like I experienced so much growth, but things like this, the time and the tone, I didn't even know what that meant for me. The time was when it happened in my head and the tone was it ever came out and that was the appropriate no. Yeah. And for some.

 

Dr. Liz:
Of us who are maybe a little more sassy in their day to day interactions, that's. I definitely have a tone.

 

Brittany Green:
I'm aware. Yeah. Oh, I was like, what do you mean, tone? If I'm making you sound like you're stupid, I don't think that's me. Okay? I had to grow. I had to grow and,

 

Dr. Liz:
All right. Isn't that so funny? When you reflect back on that and you're like, yeah, I guess that makes sense why that relationship didn't go so well or make sense why we fought so much. It's such a different perspective.

 

Brittany Green:
Yeah, yeah. Oh my gosh. When I think about it, it's like, especially in the last five years of my life when I moved from America over to Germany and I really had space to clear and look at that. I'm like, wow, yeah, no, I could have definitely been better. Yeah, I could have been better. Totally wasn't all one sided. There was a lot of things going on in with I had to deal with myself. I had to realize how to communicate in a way that was fair and considerate to the other person. Because for me, especially somebody who studied sex and intimacy when I was younger, it was totally, don't be like, what are you doing that that's terrible. Like while they're down there.

 

Dr. Liz:
Why would that work guy he is he's it for sure. And at this moment, this is like his third of the week. Okay, Brittany.

 

Brittany Green:
Is like she used to pat me on top of my head and be like, what's happening? Oh my gosh. I've learned and grown and I teach my clients. So I can also relate. I can relate when they're just like, I was like, I talked to you about this. What the hell? or whatever. I can really relate to. Yeah. You feel like it's bubbling up and you can't not say it, but that is a lack of emotional maturity. A huge bit of lack of emotional maturity and control and also understanding and empathy for the other person. Yeah. Because it's so.

 

Dr. Liz:
Important.

 

Brittany Green:
It really is. And if we were confused and what we were doing, we're not even confused, but just not 100% sure, the last thing we would want is somebody to shame us in that moment instead of encouraging us, instead of doing helpful directions later on when they could actually absorb it and see it. And that was something. Despite me learning early, I had to experience fail. and then succeed at later after I failed. And sometimes that's our path. That was my path. But it doesn't have to be everyone you know.

 

Dr. Liz:
Meebo sister? yeah. Still so right there with you. yeah. That part ties into the safety and trust element of of intimacy. And let's talk about that because. So we talked about communicating like prior outside of the bedroom. But let's talk about the importance of communication in the bedroom. So well while the act is going on. So first of all, apparently people like it's very common not to moan, not to like, talk dirty to each other. Every time I hear that, my mind is just blown a little more and I know that it's tied into, like, this whole piece around the awkwardness. And that's what's commonly said, right?

 

Brittany Green:
Like this. What am I supposed.

 

Dr. Liz:
To say to talk dirty? That feels so awkward, like. And I'm always telling them, Google it. And pretty much whatever you say, like your partner's not going to be like the.

 

Brittany Green:
Fuck like you.

 

Dr. Liz:
You know, they're they're likely going to be into it.

 

Brittany Green:
Yes. Honestly, it's not even all about what words you actually use. But again, like tone breathiness.

 

Dr. Liz:
Yeah.

 

Brittany Green:
Sounding sexy. You can say, where's that chair? Like you're like, yeah, no, no. So it's all about just feeling sexy and keeping the sexiness of the moment. So even if you want to direct or even if you want to do something, you don't have to pick the perfect verbiage necessarily for it. You just want to feel it and let that emote in your voice and let that emoting in your body or whatever. So maybe if you want to give a direction, stroke the head of the shoulders. So it's a positive thing and it's not just you dictating like and again like a little bit of breathiness a little bit, softness not being hard, not being, very sweet and just do this like this. Like when you cut in, in so abruptly, immediately. That makes someone feel like they're doing something wrong. Yeah. Like, this is, Because sometimes you work again. This is how we train animals. It's a thing. It's this now in this. So if you want softness, loving this, comfort and safety for your partner and for you, then you want to make sure you're thinking about how you're breathing that out, how you're still in the moment. Don't get out of the moment. And that can be hard in our heads. Maybe sometimes we have to create it. Like maybe I'm out of the moment, but let me act like I'm in the moment and hopefully that will get us back to where we were.

 

Dr. Liz:
Yeah, well keep it will keep them in the moment, right? Because as soon as you can sense that your partner is out of it, you're now, like, guarded, you're feeling insecure, you're like, okay, what just happened? Why is there a disconnection here? And so I like what you're saying, that even if like, something's feeling a little off for you, you can try. And everyone listening. We're not talking about safety. We're not talking about things like that. We're talking about maybe the position is a little bit off, things like that. I could just hear the comments already.

 

Brittany Green:
I so that's.

 

Dr. Liz:
Yeah. So if it is not, if it's just not how you want it, then communicate that with and I what I like is instead of saying, you know, don't go left. I really like it when you go right. So you're, you're not criticizing, you're not necessarily redirecting. You're praising the things that, that you do. Like, and often when that communication is happening and, you know, you suggest, let's switch positions or, you know, move your body up a little higher, come closer or things like that. It it's often received like with excitement because they're like, okay, you know, they're getting close to something.

 

Brittany Green:
And that they.

 

Dr. Liz:
Often I shouldn't say all they but in a, connected dynamic, the idea is that we do want to please each other and so we can be receptive to it. But if we're not saying those things, if we're not willing to suggest new positions or to suggest a little to the left, then we're not going to come out of it in the with what it could be. And, that also leads to the emotional intimacy when you're willing to discuss it in the moment. The other aspect, though, of communication is the whole moaning thing. Okay, so if y'all aren't moaning, it gets a moaning. Like if you've got to like, practice this in the bathroom by yourself in the car, I don't care where you practice it. I think that is like the highest compliment, right? When when somebody is moaning, when you are pleasuring them.

 

Brittany Green:
It is. I know this is weird, but it kind of reminds me of eating noodles and like, Japan or China, like you're supposed to slurp. Okay. Yeah, yeah. Yeah.

 

Dr. Liz:
But that's the message of this is so good.

 

Brittany Green:
This is good, this is good. It is a positive sign. It is the same thing. Is saying good job patting you on the back, getting a raise whenever you're being acknowledged for your work as a positive thing in that it's going somewhere. The needle is moving. Like, this is what we want to do. If somebody is doing a good job and you're silent and they're doing the bad job and you're silent, how are they supposed to know it? How is it their fault at this point? And so it's important to let your partner know. But of course, getting comfortable with moaning or making a sound because some people, some cultures, silent base, quiet, very, conservative. And you're not supposed to, you know, do any of that. And so breaking beyond that mental boundary is something. So again, we going back into mindset where we have to be like, it's okay. It's okay to make that noise. It's okay to express our pleasure locally. And it's scientifically proven that it increases pleasure when you do more vocalizations, it does increase pressures. And if you're giving pleasure and you're giving vocalizations, those vibrations can also increase pressure in your partner. So this isn't just be loud. Like there's real points that help you with your relationship with people. Yeah, not just saying.

 

Dr. Liz:
How do you suggest for people to get more comfortable with that? So people who are listening and I because I get these DMs all the time, I'm sure you do as well of like, I just don't know how to feel comfortable moaning, making noises. I don't know how to feel comfortable talking dirty or even read, you know, kind of telling them what you like while it's happening. What are some maybe exercises you give for that?

 

Brittany Green:
For me, I found that most people have it happen in their mind and they stop themselves. so it's already there? Yep. So getting used to it is kind of, I hate to say, fake it til you make it, because I don't want you to fake anything sexually. But if it comes up and it's there and you stop yourself, I want you to recognize that. And when it comes up again, I want you to maybe make a little vocalization and then slowly release yourself a little bit more every time. You don't have to go in and start having the neighbors know your name, okay? Or they're yeah, why does it have to be here? Jump off point. But right. If you want to slowly build up and allowing a little bit of sound to release a little bit more relaxation in your vocal cords, because most of the time it's already there and people are stopping themselves or doing it. So just go ahead and little by little, let this happen and let it take this. Yes, a little bit, this little, little bit. Because I know some people, they're just like, what do you mean? But heavy silent sex can be and I don't mean like the fun silent sex where we can't be here because when the elevator or something. I mean, like, I mean, like at home, no one's there. And you guys sound like mine's putting together seat, right? Yeah, it's. It's basically a great way to show your partner that you appreciate them and that they are learning in understanding your body. And for you to feel more free, it elicits that's freedom that the people who are quiet don't understand until they start trying. Because it's it's a mindset about not being free to release themselves. That's usually based on some challenge of not being able to make noise or step on a crack too loud in the house, or you get yelled at like, as we know, I go very deeply.

 

Dr. Liz:
Yeah, yeah, it's it's really it is so true that that's often what it's tied to. Like, I don't want to be a burden or an inconvenience or I don't want them to think I'm weird or to judge me, or a lot of it is tied in those insecurities. and I like what you're saying that start just to build like a little evidence vlog for yourself of just start small and maybe start quiet, and see what your partner's reaction is to it, because that is likely going to encourage you to allow it to grow. And when you see, you know what their responses to that that, that they like it, they're more aroused. They're more, maybe even pursuing you or, it gets more intense at that point that then gives you evidence to support, like, hey, this it this is a good idea. And I think the other aspect as well is to practice it while you are, even self pleasuring and things of that nature. So if you're home by yourself, you know, for any gender and you are if this is a struggle for you and you are just by yourself and like Brittany's saying, when it's comes to your mind because yes, when we're receiving pleasure, that's in our mind is those thoughts, and allow yourself to have that at least while you're by yourself and get used to what does this sound like? What? You know, what am I hearing? How am I feeling about it? and that can be a great way as well for you then to start to ease it with a partner.

 

Brittany Green:
Yeah. The self-love is a great way to start into all of this, whether it's deciding how you want something and how to give it like go ahead and practice so I can go ahead and practice this. Why you're by yourself. You can't embarrass anybody about yourself. Nobody else knows.

 

Dr. Liz:
So just.

 

Brittany Green:
Wondering.

 

Dr. Liz:
Brittany, this has been such a fun conversation. You are brilliant. You are funny. You. This has just been great. Thank you so much. Where can people find you? Social media website. Where can you be found?

 

Brittany Green:
I am on Brittany Green underscore coat on Instagram, Brittany Green coat on TikTok, and Brittany Green coats on my website. You can follow me on any of those platforms, and I provide, one hour free coaching for, consult if you're just interested in seeing my coaching style and to get to know you. And also, please feel free to follow me and all the free information that I have out there. I am a lot more detailed in my, email and in my newsletters that I have for my website because as we know, Instagram and these things are very controlled. And considering what I do, I cannot talk about the things that I want to help you all that, Instagram I have to be. I'm always getting these notices and getting shadow bad. Oh, guys, my way around. How do you do this? Like.

 

Dr. Liz:
Yeah, I that and I get super paranoid about that as well. I've been a lot more cognizant lately of like, okay, I maybe need to stop pushing the boundaries here. But like you're saying in my newsletter, I will or here on the podcast, I YouTube, I find other platforms that I can give people this information because I get I get the Instagram thing and I get, you know, that there are kids on there, and I understand all of that. And I also understand that people are desperate for connection and they want to feel safe, and they want intimacy, and they want to feel connected to somebody. And a lot of that for romantic relationships ties into these topics that, yeah, we have to be careful where where we discuss it. And so sounds like you and I both, we have other methods for people to find it. and yeah, that's that's our mission in life is to help people connect.

 

Brittany Green:
Yes. Please come find me. I am here to help you grow and connect and spread your love and light all over the world.

 

Dr. Liz:
I love it. Thank you Brittany, I really appreciate it.

 

Brittany Green:
Thank you so much for having me. I hope you have a great Valentine's.

 

Dr. Liz:
Thank you and I hope you get to go to bed now.

 

Brittany Green:
Well, okay, maybe. Maybe not that long.

 

Dr. Liz:
Thanks, Brittany.

 

Brittany Green:
Talk soon you're welcome bye.

 

Dr. Liz:
Thanks again Brittany for so many great ideas on ways to communicate better for better connection. And thank you all for hanging out on relatable relationships unfiltered. Make sure to subscribe to our YouTube channel, sign up for my newsletter, and find me on Instagram at Dr. Elizabeth Fedrick. This is relatable relationships unfiltered.