Relatable podcast 

Dr. Liz:
Hey, welcome to relatable relationships. Unfiltered. Separation in a relationship is often viewed as a failure or a setback. But what if I told you that there's times when it is actually the best thing you can do for your relationship? Joining me today are Mike and Megan Bayern. They're here to share with us their story about how they went from a separation to a completely transformed relationship. This is relatable relationships, unfiltered.

 

Dr. Liz:
Hey, guys. Welcome.

 

Megan Bayen:
Hi.

 

Mike Bayen:
Thanks.

 

Megan Bayen:
I'm happy to be. Yes.

 

Dr. Liz:
Thank you for being here. Tell us a little bit about who you guys are, what you do and a little bit about your story.

 

Megan Bayen:
Yeah, I mean.

 

Dr. Liz:
Sure. I mean, I guess, like, not your story. Story quite yet. Let's just start with who you are and.

 

Megan Bayen:
Yeah, I go from there for sure. So my name is Megan, and, Mike and I met Dash. We met a long, long time ago in high school, actually, went to high school together, but didn't really talk. And we started dating, when we were in our 20s. And we have been married now for, gosh, seven plus years. and we'll talk about our little our little stint in between. but overall seven years and we have just had such a journey in our relationships. We're both entrepreneurs. So that is added a whole other level of excitement and joy and struggle and frustration. And we'll talk about how that led to, you know, a lot of our issues and new twin parents. We just had twins a month ago, as of recording. And so it's been, I would say, but yeah, I've been an actress and a performer and now a content creator as a online business coach. And, Mike has had a plethora of different entrepreneurial adventures. Sure.

 

Mike Bayen:
Yeah. Mean of which, I did take a business that, you know, many of the mistakes that you make as an entrepreneur and then, mainly poker at the moment, but at the moment, not much other than just being, being a father, I guess.

 

Megan Bayen:
Yeah. What is.

 

Mike Bayen:
It?

 

Dr. Liz:
Completely. And with two of them. Yeah. I can't even imagine when I reflect back on my son being a newborn and, like, how much that took to think. Two of them, like, yeah, God bless you guys. That is,

 

Megan Bayen:
A lot crazy. I actually was joking around the other day. I was like, if he had to take one of them to the doctor, just one. I'm like, well, one that feels so simple now. Like it's just, yeah, perspective. If we end up all relative.

 

Mike Bayen:
You only know what you know. So every everything. If you've had to at first and you decide to have another one and you have one after, it's just, you know.

 

Megan Bayen:
Like walk in the park.

 

Mike Bayen:
But everyone who just said that if you had one before and then you have to, it's.

 

Megan Bayen:
Yeah.

 

Dr. Liz:
So yeah, I would imagine that. Yeah. That in reverse probably not. Great. So good thing you guys have started this way. You're very strategic like that.

 

Megan Bayen:
Yes.

 

Dr. Liz:
So tell us. Yeah let's dig into your stories. So you guys were together for how long and you know, prior to the separation. And then let's talk a bit about even how that decision was made.

 

Mike Bayen:
Yeah.

 

Megan Bayen:
Yes. The protein. so we got started, we met and what we started dating in 2012. I moved from LA back to New York or both from New York and live there now. and when we started dating, it was like pretty immediate, like it was one of those I think this is going to be my person. And a couple of years later, we got engaged. A couple years later, we got married. But during that whole time, there were definitely, definitely underlying issues that as a lot of people, I think naively going into, this huge thing of marriage, we were like, it'll just get better. It just get better with time. And we got a little bit of help. we got help from probably the wrong person. I would say, we were just kind of like, trying to try anything throwing together at the wall. And then we're like, you know what? It's fine. It'll just fix itself eventually. And about two years into marriage is when we realized, okay, something has to change. Otherwise we're going to get divorced and this isn't going to work. and it's really I mean, we can see your perspective on it, too, of course, but me.

 

Dr. Liz:
I have a voice in a minute.

 

Megan Bayen:
Like, just relax. I have a breaking point. You know, I was just like, I cannot do this anymore. So either we get help and we seek professional help, which we did, or I'm done, pretty much. and he was amazing and was like, no, we're let's do it. We have to anything we need. Which a lot of my girlfriends went through similar things and did not have the same reaction. And I just feel very lucky that, you know, it takes two and we really work together. So, yeah, that was kind of a timeline. So 2012, we met we got married in 2016 and we separated January 2020, not knowing a pandemic was upon us. So that was really fun. Oh my gosh.

 

Dr. Liz:
Yeah. So even when you reflect on those first four years and, you know, talking about that, these maybe things were creeping up or the things that you were aware of, what were some of those things like, if you don't mind getting vulnerable in that way? And how do you think that you guys, I guess, even kind of justified them, because that's what we do, right? When we have this dissonance of like, this thing doesn't feel right or this thing is not working for me. And then we find ways to justify it or put our heads in the sand or whatever the case, which then inevitably turns into what it turned into. So what were some of those experiences that you you feel like you might have been looking past?

 

Mike Bayen:
Sure. I mean, they were. Yeah, they were mainly intimacy driven. it was intimacy around alcohol. Alcohol, like many young people, I'm assuming we grew up in New York, New York City, a lot of time. Just brunch. Our entire dating history was primarily built around alcohol dates around restaurants, going out and having having fun in that way. that's kind of all we knew. And as things started to progress, I think the biggest thing is I remember Megan coming to me. We were engaged when you first came to me.

 

Megan Bayen:
Yeah.

 

Mike Bayen:
We were. Yeah.

 

Megan Bayen:
Yeah, we were. So I remember being like, I can't get married if we don't work on. Yeah. Essentially intimacy. Life was just it ended up we were roommates pretty much. Or only having sex. So we were drinking, you know? yeah. It was like, this doesn't seem right. Yeah.

 

Mike Bayen:
Yeah, that was basically. I mean, that's all in the beginning, that's all. When we were only together, when we were going out, having fun, drinking, and at times there wasn't a ton of alcohol, but just enough to take off the edge that anything that was really that that would mask any issues that were underlying that started to kind of we had then later on in our relationship, we just completely removed alcohol. And once that happened, I brought everything else out. So it really was when you're trying to call off a wedding, I think that was the biggest thing. I remember when she brought first, brought it to me, and that opened my eyes and I was like, all right, something is seriously wrong, but we're so good in our there's so much love and respect there. Yeah, I shouldn't say that because as we started to get in people's communication, we had good communication. We were great, but we really did. And obviously and then, there was just so much love and respect and that's never been gone. And even our first coach, Jill, was always that was she'd always come back to that.

 

Megan Bayen:
Yeah. So she would say, like you guys have like almost all the couples I've worked with, I think you guys have a real shock because you care so much about each other. You have such respect. Like we never were. Like, there's.

 

Mike Bayen:
Never blaming.

 

Megan Bayen:
Throwing daggers or, you know, things like that. But it was just these. It was really sex and money, which I think I think it's coming. Exactly. And so being entrepreneurs, having several businesses, that was another big cause was just having this like competitive nature and our finances were separate. And so I think sex and money, really were the two things that that drove us to need to separate, need to work on our relationship. But the justification for sure.

 

Mike Bayen:
Calling off a wedding when you have that much love and respect, I think was I didn't think, I mean, either of us were going to be able to do that was like, oh, if you call off the wedding, then that's like you kind of sitting there like, that's a failure. you go from there, that's kind of ending it. Can we call off a wedding and then still get married? Like, is that something outdoor? So we just we just got married. Kind of continued to sweep things under the rug, and eventually it hit a head. And I was going to I would have continued in the way we were going, probably for another five, ten years or so. being happy, just being stressed out. And both of us just kind of living was living very different lives and kind of living different. We're living. Yeah. With love and respect. Just separate lives.

 

Megan Bayen:
Yeah. We had a really good friendship base. I think that was another like justification. And also we didn't have the best role models. And so a lot of people that we surrounded ourselves with, like the whole ball and chain, like marriages kind of sucks. That's like what we saw and that was what was modeled. So I was like, all right, maybe this is just an early version of that. And I knew deep down that this isn't it. I know marriage can be amazing and fabulous. So yeah. Yeah.

 

Dr. Liz:
No, and I was I was wondering that when you said that you thought you had good communication then, and it felt like everything was good. And I was curious if that was kind of like in comparison to. Right. So like what we grew up having role model or, the chaos I grew up in, like, would never allow my son to grow up in that chaos, but certainly doesn't mean I gave him a perfect upbringing. Right? So like when we compare it to something, we tend to think like, oh, I've got it figured out because it's better than.

 

Megan Bayen:
Yeah, exactly. Better than that for sure. We both come from, you know, divorced families and and some, some good examples of how the worst can be and some not. But it, it definitely just showed us like marriages don't last, they don't work and and that was just what we were surrounded by. So and that's a good, a good reason to it was better then. Yeah. A lot of people around us and even our friends were shocked when we and a lot of my friends were like, oh my gosh, like, they knew we were having issues. But they're like, you guys are so good together. Like in public. You'd never expect it to.

 

Dr. Liz:
Be like, yeah, and I can completely relate to that. When I, I got divorced about four years ago and my ex is still my best friend in the whole world, and that is what everyone had said to us, was like, what you have, you have all couples like, so mind blown by it. But yeah, same thing that we just because we were better than what we grew up with doesn't mean it was great, doesn't mean it was working for us. but I love that you guys are talking about that. You know, there was this foundation of friendship and there was this love and respect that for you guys led to you being able to figure it out. And for Richard and I led to us being able to figure out a friendship. So learning, you know, to figure out a new norm together, which is just so important. So when you started to near the separation, Megan, was it mostly were you mostly the one that was like, I'm not okay, I'm not okay? Or were you both expressing like discontentment?

 

Mike Bayen:
I was scared too. I don't think I ever would have gotten divorced. Like I said earlier, I would have just continued to live on unhappily, unhappily for a while. yeah. I mean, that was a lot of my life. I don't want to say it. I just kind of survived for, just day by day. So I was pretty much okay with that. I didn't know any better. you know, like. Yeah, I thought that was normal when Megan came to me in, like, late 2019, and she had it, she had initially said, if I ask for a separation, I need you not to fight me on this. And when she told me that the kind of I knew right then that we needed to get a separation. But I never would have asked. So. Yeah.

 

Megan Bayen:
So we were on. We were on the same page. I think deep down I was the one, you know, that was like going to ask for it. and we've talked to so many people about this and are the coaches that we've worked with too. And they said it tends this is kind of generalizing. Well, it tends to be the woman in a heterosexual relationship that does make make that like, okay, we need this. So I was the one that asked for it. and we were working with a coach that helped coach me through it. was there when I asked for it and helped set terms and all those things. Yeah.

 

Mike Bayen:
I know, we could not have done this without Jill and.

 

Megan Bayen:
Yeah, it was it was. I don't think we could have. I mean, maybe we could have figured out for ourselves, but it doesn't. And to have, like, it's a professional, you know.

 

Mike Bayen:
I think. And it's up at that moment, we may have been able to navigate a separation. We don't we would have never gotten into the communication we were having and have the conversations that we were having with her or with anybody with her specifically for us, going from being that open with somebody and being that vulnerable and having to say the hard things to other people, I don't, I, I don't know how it's possible without having somebody else there to mediate. You talk through your feelings and help the other person understand I that's always how I feel when I talk to people about it.

 

Megan Bayen:
Yeah, yeah. For me, the biggest thing that led to, okay, I need this separation because that's a huge question we get is like, how did you know it's time? was it was a year of us in pretty intensive relationship coaching, like every single week, like you were having some extra sessions, like it was it was intensive. But what happened was he had never been to therapy or done that kind of work. And so it was like Pandora's box. It opened up so much for Mike and me too, of course, but I I've been doing some of this work a little bit before and realized that a lot of stuff from childhood came up and he had a whole pack wanted to go down. And so by the end of the year, while we made some headway, it was like it got harder before it got easier. And I was breathing down his back and I was like, heal your trauma faster. You know, like, come on. and it sounds silly thinking back, but we realized, like it with my coach, too. We were talking about it being apart would help him really dive into that, would help me dive into my own stuff. That almost thing together was like, limiting. So that's really why I knew we needed time apart.

 

Dr. Liz:
Yeah, that the distraction of being together, because then you're still all the other nuances are there and the like, you're still focusing on the dynamic instead of on your own healing. And Mike, I'm curious with like those things that came up for you, I did a post just today. Well, I put a story in last night about how, like, in order to heal your relationship, you have to address your trauma. So a lot of people will work with coaches, they'll go to therapy, but there may be doing talk therapy, or they're working on like, life goals or but they're not digging into the root of what is creating the trigger, the root of why we're showing up the way that we are. And I think that's just so important. That becomes the complete relationship game changer. When we dig in to our foundational stuff, really address it, heal it, and figure out how we want to show up differently. So I'm curious, Mike, for you, what were some of those things that you started to uncover?

 

Mike Bayen:
two of the biggest things was, I guess I had always I went through a pretty traumatic divorce as a child. I would always downplay it. I think you would agree. Like my parents from the 25 years my father just recently passed. But we went to court, like against both of them to just kind of fight against. They never spoke. We were delivering envelopes like from one in another. They would I looking back, I would always just download it. Oh it wasn't that bad because we had we never, you know, we're not poor with nothing. I wasn't begging for food, I had food, I had housing and everything. But emotionally speaking, I was lacking. It was lacking in probably every way. And that's why I said I was kind of just on my own. I wasn't on my own financially, but from 14, 15, I was pretty much on my own. Emotional mostly. If you want to say that. And I had mommy issues, a lot of mommy issues, like so that started to just unpack. And it was just it's still to this day, I'm just still talking about things and things that come up and the relationship of my mom and how much better it's gotten. But still some things she'll say in a good way. And I'm just like, I can't believe my mom is saying this to me. And the love that I that I crave from her. And then I would try to put that on Megan and she'd become my mom.

 

Megan Bayen:
Yeah.

 

Mike Bayen:
That's was so, it was a lot of that. And then just and then the other probably being it was just how sex was modeled for me, how I learned about sex, which a lot of men probably porn. Yeah. That was mainly how I learned about sex, and obviously not the greatest education in the world. Sure was those two. Those were two of the biggest things. Really?

 

Megan Bayen:
Yeah, yeah.

 

Dr. Liz:
And thank you for sharing that I appreciate it. I and I think that a lot of men can relate to that. And it is so common. It's so common for a lot of people to minimize and dismiss those experiences and not just really not grasp the impact that it still has present day. And when we talk about triggers, like those sensory experiences are stored in the brain, like the body remembers what the brain tries so hard to forget. So we tend to lash out or withdraw or isolate whatever our survival behavior is. and a lot of times we have no idea where it's coming from or we feel incredibly justified in it because we're like, well, they hurt me, so I'm going to hurt them back. So I appreciate you know, Mike, that your transparency with that and and you're laughing. Tell me what like what is coming to mind right now as you're thinking about that.

 

Mike Bayen:
It's really it's just I mean I would because mine is isolation. Mine is. Yeah. Just run away like my. And then it just because I looking back at who I was in 2019 and my self-awareness which is not there and knowing my triggers, knowing that knowing feeling the tension in my stomach, in my chest, what that means, it's all those different things that it just takes a lot of time to learn and understand and breathe through it and learn how to get out of it in your own way. Yeah.

 

Megan Bayen:
Just teaching, I think. Just even asking for help like that, something like when he's sick, like I want to take care of him and he's not used to that. And so he'd almost like, push me away. I'm like, wait, I want to help you where I'm sick. I'm like, please take care of me, you know? And yeah, it's just been it's been really incredible to see since we started that in 2019 how much both of us have individually changed, which, like you said, that's essential. Like we would not be together today if we did not do that work on ourselves, but especially to see how much he's he's changed in that way. It's been pretty cool.

 

Mike Bayen:
Yeah. I think one of the biggest things that while I've during our separation, the biggest takeaway for me was I had started. I always had like, you have to do this work for yourself and you do. And I thought initially I did, but when I was, when when we separated, I could have stopped. But I was starting to finally see all these things come together. And all this work was culminating into the person that I really wanted to become. And it was just I, I finally started to do it on myself. And it's I felt that that switch, like I was it just it felt so different.

 

Megan Bayen:
It started for me and ended up. Yeah. Which it had to be for him and it ended up being for him.

 

Mike Bayen:
And that's, you know.

 

Dr. Liz:
It's starting for Megan is actually I mean, in a lot of ways that's a beautiful thing because it was the motivation you needed. Right. So if it would have started, like you probably would have never done it if it was originally for you. And so that motivation, there's nothing wrong with that, but that for it to then transition from that extrinsic motivation to the intrinsic of like, no, I want this healing because it's making my life feel better.

 

Megan Bayen:
Yeah.

 

Dr. Liz:
Such a powerful transition.

 

Megan Bayen:
Yeah. It's huge. And I remember when we were separated, she was I was a little like.

 

Mike Bayen:
You would still start.

 

Megan Bayen:
Doing it.

 

Mike Bayen:
The controlling was stopping. It was still a little bit hard. It was good for her, you know.

 

Megan Bayen:
And that's what it was very good for me. which so was Grandparenting. It's like very the same. It's like I have to let go. I gotta go with the flow a little bit more. And I would check in with our relationship coach. And she's like, I just want you to know he's doing the work. That's all I'm gonna tell you. And I was like, okay, you know, because I'm like, I'm not there to be with him every week to see if he's doing it. And when we did reunite, which I don't want to jump ahead, but whatever, where we want to take it, like here when we did reunite, it was like an immediate difference. Like both of us, it was this energetic, like, whoa, something has really shifted in these three months that we were apart, initially. So it was pretty wild.

 

Dr. Liz:
Yeah. So let's talk about that during that the time of separation. But, did you guys have ground rules put into place of, like, how often you're going to interact, what that was going to be about? Tell me about, you know, how you work through all that.

 

Mike Bayen:
Yes.

 

Megan Bayen:
Do you want to say. Yeah, we're still getting used to, like, doing this together? yeah. So we set ground rules again with our coach. She really helped guide us with that. So it was, that we weren't going to talk the first three months or talk really intermittently, because we wanted to be separated. We wanted to. Not that it's like, let's see how life is without the person. That wasn't the intention. It was more so we need to just be our on our own. We need to like, really focus on ourselves and essentially like be single but not to go. Do I want to necessarily be with this person kind of thing? so that was that was one another ground rule we set was working on ourselves and making sure that was like priority, which is why he still saw her every single week. I jumped in, I think like once a month. And then also is it could we see other people? And we did set that with her and we were allowed to. And that was something that we did share on our Instagram and got a lot of, a lot of a hate for that.

 

Mike Bayen:
Yeah. It was.

 

Megan Bayen:
Really interesting. I was like, oh my gosh, this is a normal, you know, this is like, I'm not, I should say normal. This is and, I didn't expect it. But again, we worked with her and she's like, I think because of the background that you guys are coming from and because the intimacy has so not been there, I actually encourage that. And so those were our ground rules. And again, our rules with that was don't be stupid, don't get pregnant. Yeah. You know like like yeah, right. We do want to try to work on this together, but we really need to be apart and and separate.

 

Mike Bayen:
The clear intention was we were going to try to get back together. There's not like, one word like we've talked about. It's not one person's ready to waiting to leave one person that we're working to try to get back together. And and we also again the other the only other thing is our communication was basically nothing because we didn't have we had no kids, we had no dog. We had no house. We were able to leave. We were traveling. I was living in Vegas. She was in New York, Vegas, Florida. So we were just being nomads during that time. So our communication was allowed to be basically.

 

Megan Bayen:
If it was now with a dog and twins, it would be incredibly different.

 

Mike Bayen:
Not over navigate that with children, dogs, homes.

 

Megan Bayen:
So we do always say that like we were lucky in that sense that we had very little to communicate about. Yeah.

 

Dr. Liz:
So yeah, and thanks for making that distinction because that is important that when there are kids involved, when there's other factors. But you guys were in a position where you didn't have to and, I think that's yeah, that is so crucial to have the clarity and the lack of distraction, the lack of that even sometimes that toxic cycle that just keeps pulling you back, even when you can say, like, okay, I know logically this is not the best for me, but emotionally I'm so attached to this person. So going that kind of no contact for the couple of months really allowed you guys a lot of clarity.

 

Megan Bayen:
Yeah. Well, can that call? Yeah. Well, I knew you were going to call me. Yeah. Yes. Yes, it definitely did. I and more than I thought I would I was I thought I'd be like I'm free I yeah. You know we just needed the time apart. Right? I really struggled like the first time again. Yeah. We we both we were actually because we owned a home in Las Vegas and, and we were here in New York as well. And so we both ended up going to Las Vegas, and we're staying separately, obviously. But when I knew he was close to me, it was so hard for me not to talk to him. And I was really struggling. I would say it was like three weeks after we separated where we both were there together. but you know, not and I was texting him and I was like, I'm really struggling. And I called him and I was like, I just need to talk to you. And he was great and gracious. And he's like, but we we can't do this. Like we need to not talk. And he really like.

 

Mike Bayen:
It was that it was a pivotal moment in our separation because it probably was the first time I started to find myself again. I completely lost, I was I lost any confidence, I lost anything, any masculinity inside of our marriage. Yeah. I the first time I ever stood up for myself, our marriage, looking back and then honestly, was one of the first times in a long time Megan had come to me in a feminine way and been like, I need you. And that didn't exist for. Yeah, probably a while.

 

Megan Bayen:
Yeah. It was. Yeah, that was a big part.

 

Mike Bayen:
Of it that I'll never forget that moment, cause I know exactly where I was out there. Signature. Like saying there. I was like, just getting groceries or something. I'll never forget it because it was just. It was a very memorable moment in our security.

 

Dr. Liz:
That is such an important thing that you're saying right now when I work with, couples in that way, especially in this dynamic, which a lot of what I'm picking up on is there's a bit of the anxious avoidant dance going on of, I'm sure you guys have done that attachment style work with your coach. And, what tends to happen is then the anxious is appears controlling or is controlling in some cases. And the avoidant, kind of just dodges everything and shuts down and then looks at they're looked at as like cold and aloof. but what I see so often in these dynamics is that because and frequently if the male has some of those mommy issues, they allow their partner to become the boss. And there's a lot of submission to their partner. And that is a lot of times what I talk about is that when the the male and obviously we're talking hetero can take almost their power back and they can set boundaries and they can be assertive, while their partner might struggle with it at first because they're like, whoa, whoa, whoa, this is not our norm. It's actually can feel so safe and it can feel like, yeah, I mean, that he he was able to step into his masculine energy. And that feels safe for a lot of women. And so that's hard. But yeah go ahead Mike.

 

Mike Bayen:
Those are the roles that we wanted to play for so long that that's what we want to.

 

Megan Bayen:
It's just our natural ways.

 

Mike Bayen:
It went in that direction and I would just I just caved and Megan became the boss and and I just I didn't know how to snap out of it. It was in fact, I honestly, I would have been in I don't know how I would have snapped out of it if it wasn't for everything we had gone through.

 

Megan Bayen:
But it's so true, though. Like even thinking back to we did a lot of feminine masculine work when we got back together because we knew that was such a huge part. And being an entrepreneur, owning a business, I was and ended up being in my masculine a lot, which I didn't have to be, but I just it kind of was just what happened. And I would bring that into our relationship. And I think to for me, because the marriage felt like it was failing, I was like, I'm going to dive into what is succeeding, which is the business, and I feel validated there, and I feel worthy where I feel like a failure in this. And so I brought so much of, of that energy. And, it's funny because when we when we reunited the first time, which was three months and I'm a performer as well, and I was, doing a musical down in Florida. And whenever I'm performing, I'm very much in my feminine. I'm singing. I think I'm playing, you know, I'm I'm moving my body so much. So this second I saw him, I won. I just felt that like more strength and groundedness from him. And he felt this like playfulness. And it we just talk about intimacy. It was the best sex we've ever had. Yeah I'm sure. Oh my gosh. Like what happened. This was underlying we didn't drink at all that you.

 

Mike Bayen:
Use alcohol basically from our.

 

Megan Bayen:
So it was just like so exciting to see. Oh my gosh. These dynamics were really that's really what was was we were struggling with both those dynamics. So that was huge for us.

 

Dr. Liz:
And when you guys like how did you decide to and when you're saying you got back together the first time you got back together and then split again or what?

 

Mike Bayen:
Yeah.

Megan Bayen:
We did. Yeah.

 

Mike Bayen:
So there was Covid also started, right? New York was shut down and we're in Florida and Florida coming back like this was all like happening as. So Megan was doing a show that she I, we both were in Florida, I was playing poker. She was in Naples, I was in Tampa. The show was ending. She was like, I it's a special show to show her mom did it on Broadway. She was like, I need, I really want you to do the show. It's like, I don't know if I'm ready to see you. Yeah. What? So I was like, all right, we can do this. Like. So that was going to be our first meeting again. Reconnection. We were we were supposed to go to we were going to meet. I was go see the show. We're going to go to Disney World for like five days. That was going to be our re-uniting and Disney World shut down. Everything shut down. So yes. so now we're stuck in Florida in a beautiful home, but we're stuck in Florida. The East Coast is starting to shut down, like, as you guys. So we're just we're stuck in this house basically for a week. And we were initially going to start dating. Yeah, that was going to be our plan. We were going to reunite.

 

Megan Bayen:
Still be live separately.

 

Mike Bayen:
Live separately but start dating for a couple months. Yeah obviously that changed. We live separately but kind of just started like I say, dating through the fall. We just started kind.

 

Megan Bayen:
Of texting and and started meeting like that. But because of Covid it was either like, okay, we're either living together and like intensely quarantined together or we're not. And we just weren't ready to be quarantined. Go from separating to be quarantined together. I was living with my mom, who's older. He was living with his grandmother, who's older, so we couldn't even, like, sneak in meetings. It was like we had to be completely separate for those three months. So the plan was to date. But because of that, we ended up having another three months separated. So six months in total with a week, in between together and basically by the end of those three months, you know, like everyone, we thought it was gonna be two weeks quarantine and we're like, okay, this isn't going anywhere, so we need to do something. And we ended up kind of sight unseen, getting an apartment and moving in together and just. All right, let's let's dive in and let's get back together and see what happens.

 

Mike Bayen:
Yeah. The initial plan was so because again, we were trying to be as smart as possible. We talked about it. There were we were speaking finally got back together I was going I was planning to leave every like I think we're gonna do like two weeks on, one week off. I was like, I gotta jump right into this scenes. I mean, maybe seems harsh to, but sure enough, it worked out. I had booked an Airbnb in New Jersey for like a week, and then two weeks happens. Like it was like, don't leave.

 

Megan Bayen:
Yeah. I was like, wait, I don't want yeah, I'm ready.

 

Mike Bayen:
I was like, it was. I was like, this is a good time. But I had already booked it. I was actually going to play poker tournament and stuff. So I went to new Jersey and that was it. We hadn't separated since, but we were starting to kind of wean back into it and again, just we couldn't go out and date. It was April, May of 2020. So we couldn't nothing was open. We couldn't do anything. So navigating that was another it was a memorable experience.

 

Megan Bayen:
Yeah for sure. Yeah. And separating during a pandemic.

 

Mike Bayen:
We just I just have normal communication again over zone. some fun, playful conversations.

 

Megan Bayen:
Yeah.

 

Dr. Liz:
And was your coach involved in that of assisting you guys even to, like, determine. Are you guys ready? Like, how did you decide? Like, we're ready to do this?

 

Megan Bayen:
I think she actually was a huge part of like, I think you guys still need a little bit more time apart. Like, the quarantine is a big deal. That's like, I know a lot of relationships that crumbled during Covid because of quarantine, so it's just so hard. So she she definitely steered us in that direction too.

 

Mike Bayen:
Yeah. I mean, it seemed common that I actually feel like we could have navigated without any sort of like common sense, like.

 

Megan Bayen:
She was there.

 

Mike Bayen:
She was there. No, we worked with her. I worked with her still 20. We stopped. We moved to different coaches in 2021. But, yeah, I mean, that was we just we worked with her and I was like, you.

 

Megan Bayen:
Know, we we, you know, we were. Yeah, we worked with her for during that time. and then when we got back together, it was more it was kind of half and half. It was like I would come in for two sessions as a couple, and then he would still.

 

Mike Bayen:
My dad is my dad had.

 

Megan Bayen:
Set two by himself too. So, yeah, lots of other life things started happening. But I think the biggest thing too, that we, we get asked a lot is, oh, it sounds like everything was hunky dory when you got back together. Everything was great. It wasn't. I mean, it was night and day for sure. Like very hopeful. Like, oh my gosh, I think we can do this. But it was probably about a year with more. Yeah, that really took to go. Okay. We are solid. Like we're all in like this is going to be life. It was about a year of getting to know this new version of us and working on our communication and still working in our intimacy because, you know, we had that magical week in Florida. Fortunately, I'm not performing all the time. And he's not. We're on vacation all the time, like you're not. So going back to your life, it was we had to navigate the intimacy and that was still the hardest part for us. but it was coming from a completely sober place and also just being so, open and connective. It was like completely different perspective.

 

Mike Bayen:
Trust.

 

Megan Bayen:
Yeah.

 

Dr. Liz:
So yeah. What what did some of that work look like that you guys did after you got back together? And then was there ever like thoughts or threats of like, this isn't going to work or, you know, what did I guess that look like twofold. So what was the work you were doing? And then was there this other component of like, this isn't going to work.

 

Mike Bayen:
So we were content. I was continuing therapy, coaching with Jill. and then we did, one of the we do, you know, John Wineland. So he's and how do you say.

 

Megan Bayen:
Well, what we did with him was a masculine, feminine embodiment. Okay. Intensive. It was like a three day work retreat, 12.

 

Mike Bayen:
Hours a day for three weeks.

 

Megan Bayen:
It was, oh, my God. And we've heard we I gazed for an hour. I was like, well, what is happening?

Mike Bayen:
You did a 45 minute to an hour. I guess the other thing we are looking for other side is more seconds.

 

Dr. Liz:
I don't think my ADHD could have lasted even like a fraction of that.

 

Megan Bayen:
It was so uncomfortable. And he had never done any like personal growth workshop like that. So he was like, what is happening? but so we did. But that was a lot of feminine, masculine embodiment. Like he was doing tons of meditation and a lot of ground and work. I was literally like dancing around, you know, doing a lot of feminine work and, more, more to it than just that. But that was a huge part of it. so that was really big, the actual coaching. And then this is something that's been a little bit more, I guess, recent, the last few years. But we started to trickle it in and it's very applicable, is a weekly marriage meeting where we get on the same page for everything, finances. We had some different categories, but finances, what's coming up that week? Financially? Anything we, we want to discuss that didn't go as planned last week, as money was a big distrust with us that we had to say on top of it, you know, food, appointments that week, but also intimacy. So for us, I think a really big thing that we started to do is schedule intimacy, which we were very, very resistant to, that. You were really I.

 

Mike Bayen:
Didn't we would talk we just we had just talked. We'd talk about this a lot. But I remember Jill bringing it up in early 2019 and I was like, that's.

 

Megan Bayen:
You can't get.

 

Mike Bayen:
It. Yeah. I'm like, how if you're scheduling sex, that's it. Like that's a deeper issue. Like you don't. That's crazy. You have you have to say like you should be so turned on all the time. Like whatever.

 

Megan Bayen:
Passion filled.

 

Mike Bayen:
Constantly. Obviously. Fast forward a couple years. I was like, this is the most amazing thing I've ever seen.

 

Dr. Liz:
Yeah, but you're like, and now I'll see you Thursday at 7:00. That's.

 

Mike Bayen:
I can try to schedule too. And you have been on like longer session. You just like because we have sex and love coaches now they call this like two maintenance sets, two maintenance sessions and then like one deeper connected.

 

Megan Bayen:
And just to like, no, we're not going to leave it to chance. And maybe intimacy that week is like us cuddling or you know, massaging or something. It doesn't have to necessarily be sex, you know, but it's something where we're not leaving it up to chance, and we we just kept leaving it up to chance. And our business is always taking over and more priority. And we're like, no, no, that's not going to be it anymore. So so that was huge.

 

Mike Bayen:
For my understanding around what sex was or intimacy was. It's like it's a it's penetrative sex every single time. Like that's all it is and that's all you have to get to. Yeah. And learning again. So a lot of these other things.

 

Megan Bayen:
We just had each other basically for the first time ever sexually in those years actually, which was amazing.

 

Dr. Liz:
And I believe I am a huge proponent of scheduling, especially as you're describing for your busy lifestyles. And you guys travel a lot and entrepreneurs, and it is so easy to put our partner on the back burner like it is the easiest thing to do because we believe they're always going to be there. So I'll get around to them when I get around to them. And as you're describing with the weekly meeting and then also scheduling the intimacy, both things that I am constantly talking with my clients about, I call them weekly check ins, but essentially the same concept of having intentional conversation that we tend to feel too tired or feel, you know, we just don't make time for it. And then the intimacy piece as well. When I'm doing intimacy coaching, that's exactly what we talk about. When it's on the calendar, you know, you're prepared. Everyone is shaved and groomed and cleaned and ready to go. And all the.

 

Megan Bayen:
Things that.

 

Dr. Liz:
You know, that that tends to be a common reason that it's like, no, not tonight, because you're out of those things, you're not prepared. And I think it goes a long way to just be like, I know it's coming up. You can, you know, start the foreplay that morning and it really sets the tone.

 

Megan Bayen:
Exactly. And I think that's what we both realized was you get to look forward to it and anticipate it. And exactly like, prepare yourself. Don't have a meal that's going to make you feel crappy or lethargic, you know, and and the thing I think we've navigated pretty well is like, as we kind of alluded to before, I'm very much the the organized and like to control. And he's very like go with the flow sometimes last minute kind of thing where I'm like, let's prep ahead. I started to be a little bit more go with the flow with it, and he started to be more scheduled. So we kind of started doing that, actually balanced us out a lot, which.

 

Mike Bayen:
We both were probably two polar in the other direction. So he needed to kind.

 

Megan Bayen:
I think there were times, especially when his dad was really sick, where we would have something scheduled and it would just be he be in a really bad grief day. And it's like, but at 7:00, we have to do this. It's like we can have a day and we can let it go, you know, it's okay. And so that's been something that we've just talked through, you know, and really kept the communication open about.

 

Mike Bayen:
It took you took years to rebuild the trust and that then once the trust was rebuilt around everything, that's what the communication really started to get better. Yeah. And then we felt like we could say everything. When you start talking about these, the, these intimacy sexually, like it took a long time to be able to listen to the other person when you're it's such a vulnerable thing to say to correct me doing something or do that. And it's a it took a while.

 

Megan Bayen:
Couple other really quick applicable things that we've done is and this is something we did learn everything we're sharing. We learned from coaches. So we're we're not relationship pitches. We're just have gone through it. And it's the like when you want to tell someone like, hey, instead of complaining and saying, you always do this or whatever, it's like when you do this, it makes me feel, explaining it more from that. And that was like a script that I literally have written on my phone. So that if I want to be like, why did you do this? Like even literally just before we had something very minor. But I was just like when this happened. Like, it makes me feel this way, you know? And so it doesn't go it doesn't put the blame on the other person. It's like, hey, I this is how I feel. And so that was huge. Instead of saying, like, you never take the trash out, which is a silly thing to say, but let's say it's that, right. Like, you know, pisses me off. Like, why don't you be a man of your word, being like, when you don't do that, it makes me feel like you're not listening to me, and it just doesn't make me feel prioritized or whatever. Right. One of the.

 

Mike Bayen:
Big it would be if it's monetary, you like if when you do this, it doesn't make me feel like you're we'll never get it. We'll never hit our goals in our it's our each of our goals. It's not just like you're doing this and it's making me feel. It's making me feel sad and angry. And then the other thing is, which I think's great. I always use this one a lot. Is this. It's when you're coming. It's like I built up the. The story in my head is. It's like you've built up this event, and now your it's your it's how you're viewing the event that happened. It's like the story in my head is X. And then you can see it. The other person gets to see it from your perspective and then they can come.

 

Megan Bayen:
Yeah that's been really huge because otherwise it was just like a laundry list of you did this wrong, this wrong, this wrong. And it's like we're kind of keeping a checklist, you know, and the competition, that's been really huge. and then something that it's little, but we've both started doing this. I started writing him notes every morning a couple of years ago in 2021, these little notes on the kitchen counter. And just. It could be the simplest, like, I love you. thank you so much for, whatever yesterday that you did for me. And and just acknowledging something that he's done or how he made me feel or how I think about him, the tiniest thing it could be a novel, like every day is a little different. And then he'll text me, either the night before the morning of. And it's so simple and takes literally no time to do those things. And I can feel because the last few weeks we haven't done it because twin life is totally and everything. yeah. and literally the other day I had a little mini meltdown and I was like, I don't feel connected to you. We haven't had our meeting and we haven't gotten your text. And so I was like, okay, we need to get the meeting on the calendar no matter what. Doesn't matter. And we start started the text and the notes again. And it makes such a difference. And it just makes sense. Like you thought of me enough to write this little really thoughtful note. That took two minutes. So that's been huge.

 

Dr. Liz:
Yeah, that the daily intentional efforts even like the most simplest things, sends such a clear message that you matter, that I'm thinking of you, that you're important, that you're worth the effort, and that is just compounds into the emotional intimacy that you're describing, which then leads to mind blowing sexual intimacy. Like it is all so interconnected. But I love what you guys have said, that it's really about that. You both chose to do the work, and I think that's like the biggest takeaway to me here is that it was an intentional decision on each of your guys's end, and you both dug in and dealt with trauma and your own shit, and you were willing to own your own shit in the process. And that is why everything that you've done has been so effective.

 

Megan Bayen:
Yeah, for sure. It's it's so wild because, like, I think I said before I had a really good friend who was also married and going through not the same exact thing, but just a lot of struggles in her relationship. And her husband wouldn't work on it, would not go to therapy. And they got divorced and and basically near the end he was like, okay, I want to try now. And she's like, I'm checked out. Like, it's been too long. I can't, you know, and it ended. It didn't end in a beautiful friendship. Like like you have, you know, it ended in not not good terms at all. And and so I realized, wow, I'm we're both so lucky because we both did the work. We both showed up. And I felt really, really grateful for him because he didn't bat night. He was like, yes, whatever we need to do, let's dive in. And I think that is like why I personally held on as long as I did. I had a lot of friends say, I can't believe you guys are still working at it. Many years later, when things were still really hard and I said, there's something like this glimmer of hope that we are making some tiny, small progress, that we're both in it together, and we just became more of a team rather than a separate entities. Yeah.

 

Dr. Liz:
So yeah, and a lot of ways you will be probably working on it forever because we are humans and imperfect and yeah, as long as you both are invested, that's. Yeah, that's what matters the most.

 

Megan Bayen:
Yeah. Thank you guys.

 

Dr. Liz:
Yeah. Thank you so much for sharing your story. Tell everyone where they can find you on social media website, everything like that.

 

Megan Bayen:
Yeah. So we are Meg and Mike do marriage, on TikTok and on Instagram. That's really where we where we hang out. And then also our podcast. So it's literally Meg and Mike do marriage anywhere, TikTok, Instagram and podcast. That's where we hang out most.

 

Dr. Liz:
Well, perfect. Thank you guys again so much for being here. This was such a good conversation and I just love the relatability. And I really appreciate and respect the effort that you guys have both put into making it work. So thank you for coming to share that.

 

Megan Bayen:
Yeah, thanks for having us.

 

Dr. Liz:
Thanks again for joining me, Mike and Megan, and thank you all for hanging out on Relatable Relationships Unfiltered. Make sure to subscribe to our YouTube channel, sign up for my newsletter, and find me on Instagram at Dr. Elizabeth Fedrick. This is Relatable Relationships Unfiltered.

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