Relatable podcast 

Lamont White:
If someone flirts at my husband, have that it. That means I got a good trophy over there. Right? If he's enjoying the company in the space of it's making him now he's enjoying it. I'm like, Have at it. Let the woman flirt with him. Let the guy, you know, give him a compliment. They should. That they should. Right? That means you're a great guy.

 

Dr. Liz:
This is relatable relationships, unfiltered. Today I'm hanging out with the hilarious and insightful Lamont White, a.k.a. the gay dating coach. We're chatting about how everyone gets jealous, including us. But hey, we're working on it. So, Lamont, do you get jealous?

 

Lamont White:
Lord. Today I think I probably get jealous once a week. You know, I pretend like I don't, but, you know, I'm human. You know, I have desires, I have insecurities, believe it or not, for sure. And sometimes that stuff comes up and, you know, it's a it's a struggle to manage it.

 

Dr. Liz:
It really is. I love how you say that. You try not to show it because I'm like, completely in that boat of, like, jealous, Please, like, do your thing. I'm not even worried about it. But we all know I'm worried about it.

 

Lamont White:
Yeah, Yeah. Usually I have to go walk. Around the block and then I can be like, okay, let me talk about it, because I'm trying to say what I want to say at the time. It what have been good?

 

Dr. Liz:
What type of things make you like? What type of things trigger the jealousy for you? Maybe more than others?

 

Lamont White:
Yes. ,So it can either be like in my current relationship with my husband, if, like, you know, we might be out in the social place and there's a guy that is like in his face or even a woman sometimes, believe it or not. I believe it. And I'm like. Why is she getting all this attention? Hello, I'm over here. You don't see all this? Goodness. It's like, what is going on? So I would like check myself about that.

 

Dr. Liz:
Does he get jealous?

 

Lamont White:
He acts like he does it. He's good.

 

Dr. Liz:
Guys, do you try to make him jealous?

 

Lamont White:
No. No. I want no conflict. I like I like you know, I like things to be accommodating and just, like, smooth and easy. I feel like, weirdly enough, you know, personalities. If you meet my husband, you'll understand. But like, we already big personalities, so we try to make things as smooth as possible.

 

Dr. Liz:
Yeah, I make sense. So I want to talk about this topic because I get a lot of DMS from people asking about me touching on the topic of jealousy in my content. And I really haven't a whole lot, but I'm like, that would be a good conversation to have because first and foremost, jealousy is so common. Like as much as you're saying people deny it frequently because it does is it appears weak or needy or all of those things that we don't want to be. So people deny it. But the reality is it does come up. But I really think of jealousy as like when we have a fear of like a threat to the connection that creates those feelings in our body of the threat state. I mean, truly. And that is, as you're describing, if somebody is in our partner space and they're getting more of their attention than we are, or even social media is such a platform for jealousy.

 

Lamont White:
With the needs to have like cheers and people making comments and sending you friend requests are just like the growth on your social media presence that can be you know, it can get in a way. It can also sometimes occupy date time, right? Like if we're supposed to be on a date, but you want to scroll on Instagram or Instagram, getting your attention, like what's going on? Like a. Trigger point. Yeah. So it not always being necessarily a person, but something that's pulling away their attention in. General, you know, how do.

 

Dr. Liz:
You work with your clients on jealousy when that comes up as a, you know, a primary topic or something that is creating conflict? Because that does tend to be one of those topics that are like, they're just so jealous. We fight again because they're just so jealous. There's a sense of where you kind of start with all of that.

 

Lamont White:
Yeah. And so it's, you know, I primarily work with men and men are some of the toughest guys or as individuals to like really talk about their emotions, you know. So I say the first thing you have to do is acknowledge, acknowledge that jealousy at some point in your relationship is going to creep its ugly head up and you're going to expect instead, that's normal. Like if you if you don't, then you might be a narcissist, you might not be human, you might be a robot. So like, it is natural to have those feelings because we all want to be desired. We all want to feel prioritized. We all want to feel like we are achieving things and that we're being recognized for that. And when we don't, that's when jealousy starts to come in. And it's about acknowledging it and saying, Hey, babe, yeah, I don't like that. Or that makes me feel a certain type of way. Ah, I need to start being more of a priority in your life.

 

Dr. Liz:
Yeah. Which can be really hard to do. Like if you don't have a partner who's receptive to it. And like, when you're talking about jealousy comes up unless you're a narcissist. I actually see that. On the contrary, I see individuals with narcissistic tendencies tend to be some of the most jealous individuals.

 

Lamont White:
That.

 

Dr. Liz:
There's a fragile ego that they're operating with. Right? So they are getting the esteem and the attention. That is all a really big deal for them. So when they don't, they're actually the ones that I generally see get more activated by that. And and then the willingness, though, to share with your partner, to share it and to say that I without I mean, it can feel so embarrassing for me at least. Like that's like I want to pretend like I've got it all together. I'm not nothing fazes me, so to say, like, yo, that comment you left on that girls, whatever. I wasn't really all about that. Like, to me, I'm like, You look crazy. That's how I feel for me personally.

 

Lamont White:
Yeah, but I. Think your response is something that is natural. I think someone there are some when I talk to my clients, I'm like, That happens, right? That's easily we can address. The more challenging aspect is when someone starts to manipulate because they are not getting what they want or they can't appropriately say, Hey, I'm insecure. So they purposely do other things to make you give them attention. Yeah, let's talk about that. You feel like you have to do something. You're like, Wait a minute, where am I? Why I'm in this relationship right?

 

Dr. Liz:
Yeah. No, such a good point. Yeah. So the jealousy that. Yeah, actually, I probably could fall into that category at times for sure. Like because it is so hard to say. So instead it might come across passive aggressively, or it might come across as wanting to send a message without sending the message, which obviously I'm highly aware that that is not the best approach to go. But I get it when people do that. But I think looking at it on the spectra, I'm right that it's normal to maybe not want to share a way. I do end up sharing it inevitably when I realize what an asshole I'm being. And that's more embarrassing than being jealous in the first place. So eventually I will say something, but I think it's like figuring out how to, even if it takes you a minute to come around to it so that you're not as you're describing, then you're becoming. Yeah, gaslighting or manipulative, which creates even more destruction.

 

Lamont White:
Yeah, but. I think it's less I think it is. I think it's let me use the word appropriate. I think it's sweet. I think it's cute. I think it's attractive when your partner is vulnerable and saying, you know, I didn't like that comment you left there or you are paying that person so much attention. It made me feel this way. I feel like you have taken the mask off. You are being intimate. And I think even if you're dating someone, if someone can do that, I think that's a green flag. People ought to think about red flags and run. But I think it's a green flag because they trust you enough with their heart and saying, I will be vulnerable with you and tell you my true feelings.

 

Dr. Liz:
Yeah, it isn't such a good point that I can. I completely agree. And I that's such a turn on when somebody, somebody I'm dating is willing to show that side, that they're willing to take the mask off, that they will be vulnerable. Yet that's the irony of that. And I see this with my clients a lot that so I think it's sexy when they do it. But the thought of me doing it is so.

00:09:08:17 - 00:09:09:19
Lamont White:
Something like, my God.

 

Lamont White:
I have to practice what I preach. And then it's like, it's like removing the pride, sucking it up and just saying, let me say it in a nice way so that he can hear it right or the right thing. And it doesn't come across as the blame game like you did this like it's your fault, but it's really me. It's what I got going on right here.

 

Dr. Liz:
What do you think is often so obviously there's a whole range, but what are some common things that lead to jealousy? Either that you've noticed for yourself or that you see with your clients, you know, tying into attachment and those type of traumas? Do you notice a theme of people's histories that are more likely to lead to jealousy?

 

Lamont White:
So there are a number of things. I think one, for men, unfortunately, men, we have been conditioned, socialized to like be conquerors, protectors. And that means that we have to like in modern day, we have to succeed and accomplish that. Right. So we have to be we have to excel in our jobs and our careers and our finances and our home life. And when we are doing that, like we get laid off, we don't get the promotion. The money's not where it needs to be. That does something with our ego. We've become insecure. So any little thing that occurs, it sets us off, right? And I have seen that in some of my past relationships where I was not there financially so the person could, you know, sneeze or like they could be doing great at work. And I'm like, you know, just spend all the time at work. What are you doing over there.

 

Dr. Liz:
Or do Well, here is what is this.

 

Lamont White:
What. I'm like, forget that job. You should be over here. But no, that has to do with me. Because back then I wasn't where I wanted to be as a man financially, so I would sabotage relationships because I would say, Hey, you should prioritize me instead of like, No, no, no, my partner. Actually, I should not have to build me up. I should work on those things myself.

 

Dr. Liz:
Well, so I guess that ties into what you were saying earlier. So that first step being acknowledging it. So it sounds like that having that awareness, which is what I always tell my clients, the first step to anything is awareness. But then where from there. So they recognize, okay, this is a me thing. Now what?

 

Lamont White:
Yes. So it could be that you enjoy your own company. You know it is okay for your partner for them to allow someone else to enjoy their company. I say, you know, you know, right now, if someone flights at my husband have that it, that means I got a good trophy over there. Right? If he's enjoying the company in the space of it's making him now he's enjoying it without being disrespectful. Yeah right, right. Sure. I'm like, have at it. Let the woman flirt with him. Let the guy, you know, give him a compliment. They should. That they should, Right? That means a great guy. So it's really acknowledging it, being okay with certain things, but also working on my own emotions about insecurity. So if I feel like I need to be right, I like my response. I must say it okay. If I feel like I need to go to the gym, eat differently, go see a mental health counselor, work on my finances, work on my career to make me feel good about myself. Then I need to do that. If I need to pleasure myself, I need to pleasure myself to let myself know I'm sexy.

 

Dr. Liz:
Yeah, that's such a good topic. Let's go down that. Not necessarily the pleasure yourself part, but let's go down the topic of the taking care of yourself part, because I talk with clients about that all the time in terms of like, okay, so there is this misconception or there is this and I don't think that's I'm in the right. It's like this expectation that we should just love our partners for who they are, which yes, okay, fine, I'll do that just present. But also just because we love our partners for who they are does not mean that we are necessarily always attracted to them. Or that once you get into a relationship with somebody that looks a certain way or that has a certain lifestyle and then they change that. Well, part of what you part of what built that chemistry is you are attracted to, you know, whatever that was, the esthetic, those things. What are your thoughts around that? Because I'm. Like. I'm pretty big on the fact that if your partner or maybe is asking something of you to be different because they're not attracted to something, then that doesn't mean they don't love you. That's worth taking you. Like I'm like.

 

Lamont White:
Looking at you like, let me step this line right there. Well, let me ask you this question. Liz. Do you feel like do you look the same way when you are 21?

 

Dr. Liz:
No, absolutely not. And so I don't think the aging part is the issue.

 

Lamont White:
But like you, you physically change over time.

 

Dr. Liz:
For the better. But yeah.

 

Lamont White:
That's that's. That's what I'm saying. Like, you should. You should, right? Yes. Your body is going to evolve over time. Your interests, your desires, your passions. They should evolve over time in good couples. I hate to say that work couples that are able to stay in a long term relationship and it's meaningful is they pay attention. They pay attention as their partner changes evolve the desires and they start to adapt. They start to adapt with their partners so that they can show up and meet their partner's needs. Not all their needs, not all their needs. Because you're human, like you're not God, so you can't do that. But you do as much as you can to meet their needs so that they can be satisfied with you and within the relationship.

 

Dr. Liz:
Okay, so what does that look like?

 

Lamont White:
So that might mean if they want to relocate to a different city, you all move to a different city. If they are into something different physically, if they want you to gain weight, lose weight, if they want you to wear your hair a certain way, they want you to dress a little different. My husband buys me clothes and I'm like, my God, I hate that. I hate it, but I will wear it in the house. And if he invites me to a work function, I will throw it on. And he thinks I look great in it right? Like he thinks I look great. I'm trying to please him. I take my mask off, I take my pride off and I wear it. But when I want to put what I want to put on, I. Want. It on later.

 

Dr. Liz:
Yeah, well, I was going to say. So where's the line? Because. Because, you know, people are yelling at their podcast right now as they're hearing this talk about this. Where's that line between like, yes, I'm willing to do X, Y, and Z to make my partner happy, but then at what point is it like, no, I'm not. You know what I mean? I'm like, You can't keep dictating how how you wear my hair, how I dress, all of those things.

 

Lamont White:
So you ask yourself the question and I always say explore, because in a relationship I feel like nothing is off limits around discussing and exploring use. If you're going to be with someone, everything should be on the table. Talk about it. It doesn't mean you have to do it. But if you if you explore it and you try it and afterwards you feel some type of shame, some sense of worthlessness, some sense of I am being conquered and overpowered, don't do it, but do it if you feel afterwards like happiness. I made them smile. I can do this. Then you continue with it. But you still those other feelings that it's not for you. And that might mean that you might not be compatible with your partner or he or she might need to go somewhere else to get what they need.

 

Dr. Liz:
Yes, I love that point. And so important just because your partner wants something that you don't want to comply with or that's different than what you like or your preference does not make that a red flag. It just means it could be a compatibility issue. And so that I talk about that with my clients all the time, acceptance or change. So if I'm telling you this is how I want you start addressing Lamont. So if you want to be with me, I need you to wear this. And you're like, Girl, that ain't happening, right? I can say like, okay, well, I love him anyway, so I'm going to figure this out. Or I can say, Well, then that's that's a compatibility issue. Obviously, how you dress is such a minimal example of this. Yes. But you always have that choice. But you can either accept what they're asking for or you can decide it's not a good fit.

 

Lamont White:
Yeah. Yeah. Sometimes it could be about like spirituality. Sure. I like, you know, I want you to do this and you're like, that's, that's deep. That's a deep conversation. And that's something that you might not be flexible on. So it's having the conversation and saying, Hey, you may need to, you know, attend this faith institution with your friends instead. I can't I can't do that. Like or maybe I'll just go once a year when you all have a concert and I'll come and listen. But those are things that you have to feel like that you can compromise on, right, without going against your values. Because if one of your values is spirituality and you're like and you are differ on that, you make your ways that you can exist together without shaming each other, without forcing the other person to deal with it, you want to do. Because at the end of the day, if you do that, you're going to end up breaking up at some point.

 

Dr. Liz:
Yeah, and checking in on that shame. Such a great point as well. So even for someone sexual preferences. So when it comes to somebody who's more into kink, if someone's into it is more vanilla. And just because it's their preference. But then let's say your partner keeps like, Hey, just try this new position, just try this new toy, just try this whatever with me. And you do so but then checking in on that shame like you were describing a few minutes ago, like, I think that that's another really important area doing that. And then also assessing if it does come down to a compatibility issue. But I think that people really end up, you know, engaging in self betrayal, especially when it comes to sexual activities and how they please their partner.

 

Lamont White:
Yeah. And I think and unfortunately in this society that we live in, we have been taught like sex to only look like a certain way. And you know, sex sometimes is really reserved for men pleasure and for women to just kind of exist. And so I always say challenge what you have been taught, right? Where did you get what did you learn that from? Is that still serving you? If if it's not, it's okay to have a conversation with your self, with your higher power, and say, Yeah, that was for somebody back in the 1800s or 1600, it's just no longer exist now. And they probably were doing it the same thing back then.

 

Dr. Liz:
And there is so much shame, you know, specifically around that topic. And as you're bringing up these gender differences like there is that the that expectation of performance for men and then really like the esthetics or how you're showing up as a woman and that these these things that come into the bedroom that create the take away from the pleasure and really make it a lot more performative, but then circling it back around to jealousy, I think that jealousy becomes active in that way too. Not and I'm not talking about in terms of infidelity, but even when you're thinking about your partner with somebody previously, the previous partners, or maybe if your partner is really into kink and you are not and then thinking about they they have had somebody who's done that with them in the past or would be willing to do that in the future.

 

Lamont White:
Yeah. Yeah. So you're thinking that like you, you have to measure up to the ex because the ex did those things and you're like, wait a minute, I'm not into that. One thing that they and I'm sure you might appreciate this is that if your partner is bringing it up, that is great because that means your partner is not one. They trust you with it, right? They trust you to say, hey, we can have this conversation instead of lying to you, talking about you behind your back with their friends, instead of resenting you or thinking you're not into them, because that's going to build jealousy on their part because they're going to say, Hey, I'm trying to talk about this, or at least try to nudge you to this and you didn't like it. So there's something wrong with me, right? Ah, there's something your sexual desires, there's something wrong. So they're insecure that's going to lead to arguments with out there throughout the relationship.

 

Dr. Liz:
How do you suggest that people bring up this topic? So something that I discovered and I'm fully aware of being a dead horse, how often I talk about this because it blew my mind when I discovered it. People don't talk about their sex life like I don't know if you're aware of that. People do not talk about sex. So whether they've been in a relationship for ten, 20 years, whether they just started dating, it's like, I don't. And so everyone says to me like, Well, you're a therapist. So of course you talk about it. And I'm like, No, but like therapist or not, people should be like, What do you like? What do you want? How do you want it? When do you want it? Like, no one's talking about that. How do you suggest talking about it?

Lamont White:
Right? Because people make assumptions that like sex should look a certain way are because you know, the last time you did something that was enjoyable, right? You both finished. So it was like, I guess. Right, Right. So but it's like, no, the longer you're together, there are I will say things you might need to do to freshen up that experience, right? So I would say have the conversation, find some games like Truth or Dare are some card games that will have probing questions to your partner about like their desires, their kink.

 

Dr. Liz:
Was that intended or no pun intended on that.

 

Lamont White:
But I don't know. I don't know. Okay. Well, just.

 

Dr. Liz:
Checking it on that probing question of years.

 

Lamont White:
But they. Got to check in on stuff broke. They're not.

 

Dr. Liz:
Exactly busy.

 

Lamont White:
Okay.

 

Dr. Liz:
A few minutes ago. So I guess what, however you want to look at it.

 

Lamont White:
Yes, you do. You got to do stuff. You got to do something that's different, especially if you've been together for more than five, ten years. It's like, check in with your partner. Let's do something different. It might mean you go into a vacation, into a new hotel room. Do you want to know how much a different hotel room, like fresh things up, different from your regular bedroom. Is so new. And if you add children into the mix where you're like, that they can hear us. So, you know, do something that is different, that is going to make you both feel sexy.

 

Dr. Liz:
Yeah, yeah, yeah. But so and I agree with all of that. But even getting to that initial conversation and bringing back in as you're talking about the societal norms or the the expectations, the the etiquette around sex, so to speak, that we just we don't talk about it. And a lot of people in our generation especially, and then older generations, it's becoming more common maybe to talk about in in the younger generations. But as you and I are sitting with clients that are probably around our age and they struggle with, you know, raise like we don't talk about sex. My parents didn't talk to me about sex. Like, I don't I wonder, like, how to even make that comfortable enough. So like, I've had a couple clients where I'm like, start by sending a text to your partner. And I mean, these are partners they've been with for a long time. It's like your babe. I like when you touch me here. Like, is that is like the craziest thought. Like, that would just be.

 

Lamont White:
Is your. Partner can quickly be like, wait a minute, if someone else touching you, they're like, What is going on? It's like the jealousy creeps and you're like, No, no, no. I just want to, you know, do something a little different. I do that. I like the text message. I also think you can try with different movies that porn and that same porn porn is great. But I'm saying, like, there are different like shows that talk about like your sexual desires and find them on Netflix and Hulu, whatever it is, and you all could just be happened to be watching it. And then you're like, Hey babe, what do you think about that?

 

Dr. Liz:
Did you watch.

 

Lamont White:
Goop? I did not watch goop. I did watch how to build a sex room.

 

Dr. Liz:
I as did I.

 

Lamont White:
What did you think about that? We're going to get one step.

 

Dr. Liz:
Back and build a sex room. That's what I thought about it.

 

Lamont White:
Yes. You have to give my Valentine's Day gift.

 

Dr. Liz:
Do you have space like?

 

Lamont White:
Yeah, we have a whole bunch of space to build something down there.

 

Dr. Liz:
You like it?

 

Lamont White:
I'll send you the finished product. I don't know.

 

Dr. Liz:
You should look into goop, though, because I love that you give that suggestion. I gave that exact suggestion to a client, a couple client a few weeks ago. So what if Paltrow has that? Who it is, I think. Is that the good part? I think maybe. Anyway, so she and.

 

Lamont White:
I think it's on.

 

Dr. Liz:
It's on Netflix. Ah, Hulu. But it's a really good series that goes through like different types of turn on. So whether it's sensuality or it's kink or it's, you know, it talks about different turn on turn ons, it talks about reasons why people get disconnected. And so that's a great point that you sit there with your partner and that you hope can create some conversation.

 

Lamont White:
It should spark up things. And if you notice, your partner is a little uncomfortable. Right. And I think this is the part where things go left because with jealousy comes judgment, right? So your partner, you can ask your partner question and your partner might say, you know what, in their head, I don't want to share this because I might feel judged well, instead of like getting a scrunchy face or saying, You're into that, I always say, Ask three questions. tell me more about that. Where'd you learn that from? When do you start liking that? That'll open up someone because it shows that you're genuinely interested in hearing their viewpoint, in their experience, instead of judging them. And if you judge a man, he is going to shut down from the door and he can tell your body language as well.

 

Dr. Liz:
Well, and that goes for a woman, too, okay?

 

Lamont White:
Yes. But he's not going to like hearing you and he's learning what it is to do.

 

Dr. Liz:
Well, especially when women are more into kink or more into, you know, things that are not things that are not typical.

 

Lamont White:
I don't I don't even know of the correct missionary.

 

Dr. Liz:
Right. Hey, and there's nothing wrong with missionary. But yes, like when people are into these things that are just different, that are out of the norm of typical conversation, it does seem that there's more judgment on women.

 

Lamont White:
Yes.

 

Dr. Liz:
Having those preferences. Right. And so I guess where my my mind goes when you're saying those questions like if somebody were to ask me like, well, where did you learn that or would you do it with I'd be like, I don't know, you want to know all that.

 

Lamont White:
But there's that then that, that so right. So then you're like, if I tell him it was the guy, you know, three guys before that, he's going to be like, well, how many do you all do? How many to know your body? Captain? So that's that judgment that comes up. But if you model that for him when you're like, okay, I'm going to tell you this, I don't want you to talk no shit on me and I want you to judge me. And then he'll say, okay, you know what list? Let me open up to you too. I'm into X, Y, and Z. And ah, it didn't get up that one time because. Right. So the man can start to talk about like their vulnerabilities as well.

 

Dr. Liz:
Yeah. No. And that's, that is a really good point. And I think that opening up that dialog really, I mean and it helps with the jealousy as well because that you can be the more open you can be, the less it feels like that's being hidden. And I think that really helps with the jealousy. What is your thoughts? So when we talk about jealousy tying in with body count, what are your what are your thoughts about sharing body counts?

 

Lamont White:
I stopped counting years ago, so. So structured. Well, so I can actually say, you know what? Yeah, I don't know. So I think we've been taught and, you know, women is they get the brunt of this. Then if you have more than one or two, then they get called you names. I think it's just like saying is that like if you're sexually liberated, if you are participating in those sexual acts because you are enjoying it like that, if you love it, I love it too as well. Right? Right. Yeah. So I think it's okay to assess your partner's views about that first, but like, hey, you know, what are your thoughts about like this actress? She said she had all these sexual partners. This is a whore and she's not married. She can't she can't marry anybody. He has answered the question for, you know, needs. Is there.

 

Dr. Liz:
No need to stay either, by the. Way.

 

Lamont White:
Run for the hills. Correctly, please.

 

Dr. Liz:
What are your thoughts? What? When people ask that, do you think do you think that's an inappropriate question to ask?

 

Lamont White:
It's a horrible first date question. I would.

 

Dr. Liz:
Say so. I would hope anyone who's listening, I hope that's a for you can get in here.

 

Lamont White:
So that's like, you know, maybe like a third, fourth date where like you're trying to have intimate conversations. I might respond, be like, well, tell me, have that information going to help this? Yes. because I you know, I don't date, you know, guys or women who have more than ten are because I like a woman who's more sexually experienced. So you're listening for like, why? And then you can respond appropriately.

 

Dr. Liz:
Yeah. And I think that's a good point, because that was my thought to like, what? What is the value of asking that question? But I guess I don't know. I guess I'd have to sit with that in terms of like what their answer was, because I can be open to different preferences and things like that. So I guess I don't know why that would read me the wrong way if they had a preference on my count. Like go ahead.

 

Lamont White:
Yeah, yeah. Or like if you're dating a guy, right, you're going to date with a guy and he goes list. What are your thoughts about a guy who's been with another guy?

 

Dr. Liz:
All right. Wait, are you asking.

 

Lamont White:
Me what. Your face is like? Lord, today? Where is this guy? Like, is he by is he gay? Like, like. But it's it's I think it's about like taking your time again. Like I said before, it is fixing your face like. Yeah. good question. Tell me like, a little bit more about that. That is going to make a guy open all the way up if you fix your face. Like, I don't know. You know, he's going to be like, I was just asking because, you know, it's Atlanta. Right? It's a common.

 

Dr. Liz:
Question out here.

 

Lamont White:
Yeah.

 

Dr. Liz:
No, that's such a good point, though. Like and it's so crazy, like even having these conversations that how, you know, evolved that I think I am as a human. And I'm like, okay, hold on. There are things that would make me have to fix my face and really kind of like have to sit still with that. And again, it goes back to exactly what you said a little while ago. Where did I get that message from? Why? Why would some of those things bother me? Why would they like spark that for me? Because of the messages that we've received, for sure.

 

Lamont White:
Well, yeah. And you know, I love you know, I like you know, I my husband is older, right? So I like someone who has experienced life, who has had time to challenge all of those messages, who has been able to sit with, you know, a book with a therapist, with their higher power and say, you know what? You know, I know that's what I taught. I'm going to write my own story about certain things. Right. And I think that's when you find people are most happy. So, you know, a person who and, you know, people are listening don't hate me, but like if you're in your early twenties, that is the time that you should be exploring life, figuring out who you are. I don't think I'm happy I didn't get married in my early twenties because I'm a different person. That's right. Yes.

 

Dr. Liz:
Yeah, for sure. And that's I. So I got married at 18 and we. Yep. See and.

 

Lamont White:
I'm glad I would have those five.

 

Dr. Liz:
Times. I mean. Yep. But I stayed married for 18 years so that, so I didn't get divorced five times. But you know we did though and that's what we talk about that that we we grew up together. And on some accounts I'm like, okay, well, being with him during those years probably did protect me from went out to much in the way that though I just could have saved that for later. But that's a that's an episode very different day but anyway but I do agree that that also there was there was so much growing up we did together but so many formative years that were kind of stripped because of of that. And so obviously everyone has their own lifestyle and how they approach us is differently. But I agree that those those early twenties are so important for exploration and even knowing what you're into or what you want.

 

Lamont White:
Yes, yes. And enough time away from your upbringing. Like, you know, living in the world, you going through struggle, you reading therapy, learning so that you can say, this is who I am, independent of my environment that has tried to steer me a certain way.

 

Dr. Liz:
Yeah, yeah. And talking about that in terms of like therapy, when we go back to addressing the jealousy because, you know, I think that typically I would say nine times out of ten people who are jealous, they don't want to show up that way. That is coming from insecure attachment styles, that's coming from previous trauma. I mean, even a lot of people think that jealousy issues come from experiencing like infidelity in previous relationships. But really it can go all the way back to primary caregivers. And if you were not given the attention that you needed, if your emotional needs were not met in the way that you needed, then that when you do have that in adulthood and you feel like it's threatened in any kind of way, that creates the reactivity. And so, you know, going back to the beginning of the episode, when you said like probably once a week, I think that that is so like first and foremost, that's really normalized that getting jealous is not the issue is our reaction to the jealousy that becomes the issue. Right.

 

Lamont White:
Right. And when you talk about the once a week and that could be because I was traveling way too much and I missed my husband. Yeah and it could be we haven't had sex in two weeks. And I'm like, I right. It could. But we had an argument and jealousy will come up and it's really about my needs. And if I don't say this is what I need, ah, set the environment for me to get those needs met with my partner then yeah, the person showing my husband attention or my partner attention is going to rub me the wrong way. If I'm not succeeding in life, anything will write me the wrong way. So yeah, yeah, it's really taking ownership on making sure your needs are met.

 

Dr. Liz:
Right? Right. And going back to how is that communicated? So if it's using the statements, you know, I'm feeling lonely this week. I'm feeling disconnected.

 

Lamont White:
Yes, I miss you. Yeah, I guess I would like you.

 

Dr. Liz:
And that for sure would activate those feelings. And so being able to express that, being aware of your reaction. So knowing how to regulate what are some regulation techniques that you give for your clients when they are because jealousy is a trigger. So when somebody does feel triggered, they start to get activated. How do you help them to regulate?

 

Lamont White:
Don't respond immediately. Take a moment to take like a breath, take a walk around the block, ask for a moment to process things, because you could be in the middle of a conversation like, you know what? I thank you for sharing that. I need a moment. Right? Because sometimes your flippant response are your knee jerk response is not really the best one. It's going to come across sometimes as you're blaming your partner for something externally that is really going on with you. So that and then also talk about like in your head and say talk about like talk to yourself and say what is on with me right now? What am I experiencing? What am I lacking? What did I see, what did I experience? What's going to hurt my heart, whatnot, my blood pressure, and then allow yourself to cool down. And once you identify that, Hey, I. I noticed you did this. I felt this when you did that. This makes me whenever you do this, it makes me feel upset or it makes me feel less of ah, it makes me feel like you don't desire me concrete. Very specific. So your partner then can hear that and address it by saying this is what happened or I don't intend for you to feel that way. Here's how I can respond differently.

 

Dr. Liz:
Yeah. So important that checking in. That's something that I do commonly a checking in on. Like where is this reaction coming from? Like what? What is creating it? What is causing it? What what is the narrative that I'm creating around this situation that I'm having this reaction right now? And I think even this being on the flip side as well. So for the partner feeling jealous is is so important. But then let's also add to that the partner who is receiving that their partner is jealous, these things apply as well because that can be really triggering. So if you have a partner who's jealous a lot and you feel like they're trying to control you or you feel powerless to that, or you feel like you can't or you're never good enough, this this information also applies on that end.

 

Lamont White:
Yes. Yes, you can. Then you can say, you know what, This really is not me. Like my partner, my need to do some counseling or my partner needs to get over the ex. I'm not your ex. Some of the behaviors that do that remind you of your ex, I'm not going to go down that path. Right. So that might be a sign that your partner needs to do some self work and you should feel empowered to support your partner to get that help instead of constantly changing who you are because that could be dizzy and confusing and just like a rollercoaster because you don't know who you're going to get.

 

Dr. Liz:
Right? So I agree that if somebody is getting triggered by this may or may not be a projection on my end right now. So just bear with me.

 

Lamont White:
We'll see.

 

Dr. Liz:
I agree that if you're getting triggered by something your ex did, that is your responsibility to get healing and to work on that. I agree. Yeah, but there are but so let's say and.

 

Lamont White:
And do.

 

Dr. Liz:
You think that there's value in the partner also being sensitive to that? So if I know that the person I'm dating them, maybe if I use a certain tone, I know that that can be triggering because it reminds them of feeling powerless. And is that bringing right. So that's on him because that was his upbringing. But also there is a little bit of onus on me to be sensitive to that.

 

Lamont White:
And that has to be communicated. It has to be communicated. It has to be a way to say, okay, I know this certain tone triggers you, remind you of X, Y, and Z in the past. I get it. I hear it. If that happens, here's let's come up with a game plan because I might not notice that my tone is there at that time. So we need a word or I'm I might not care. I can't build that right. I need a word, a signal to be like, you know, pineapple, pineapple. Dad. okay. Okay. And then you all navigate that. I think one of the things that help couples navigate long term relationships is really handling conflict really well. This conflict is always going to happen. So you're going to make mistakes. You're going to rub each other the wrong way. But if you come up with a game plan, you start to practice those things. It helps with conflict. And then when jealousy arises, you can get over that.

 

Dr. Liz:
Yeah, no, I love that. Such an important point, because if your ultimate goal is connection and safety for your partner in, then when you do fuck it up. If that's your goal, you're willing to be receptive to that. When they say like, Hey pineapple. And it's like, okay, it's too far. Like we got to regroup, we got to reconnect and I mean, that's such a great point because we're all going to mess up. But if you're willing to check it when it gets to that point, such a game changer for for the longevity and the quality of your relationship.

 

Lamont White:
Yeah. And in the thing that will be great is that like five or ten years later, you can sit back, have a cocktail and just laugh at those moments like, my goodness, I can't really believe like I was in my feelings about that. Right, Right. And you know, those that's what couples aim to do. So I think successful couples, if you talk about it, if you're proactive, if you take that dagger mask off or take the mask off, you will do so, so much better, So much so true.

 

Dr. Liz:
Taking the mask up is so scary, but makes such a difference for that connection. Lamont's I appreciate our conversation. You are hilarious. You are insightful, you are brilliant. Where can people find you.

 

Lamont White:
Sir? Thank you. This has been a good Kiki. We say like a conversation. Yeah, right. So I'm a dating coach and a matchmaker. People can find me at my website. Better way to meet that com.

 

Dr. Liz:
Perfect. And what about did you say social?

 

Lamont White:
he saw my list. Now, if you go to my social media town, okay, I do a host a dating show on Wednesday nights on Instagram. The handle is the gay dating codes.

 

Dr. Liz:
Perfect. And so you see clients, I would imagine virtually all over the country is that yes.

 

Lamont White:
I work with guys all over the United States, so I'm in the UK as well, and I do some dating coaching for a handful of women just to teach them how to flirt and stay in some of those relationships.

 

Dr. Liz:
Very good. Well, Lamont, I appreciate your time. This has been a pleasure. Thanks for hanging out.

 

Lamont White:
Thank you. Liz.

 

Dr. Liz:
I had so much fun with Lamont today probing into our private lives, even if it did get a little sticky. Thank you all for hanging out with me today on relatable relationships. Unfiltered. Make sure to subscribe to our YouTube channel and find me on Instagram at Dr. Elizabeth Fedrick.