Relatable podcast 

Dr. Liz:
Hey, welcome to Relatable Relationships Unfiltered. We all love the honeymoon phase of a new relationship, but this stage could be telling us more about the relationship than we realize. Today, I'm hanging out with Quentin de Camp and we're chatting all about how to navigate this beginning phase of your new relationship. This is relatable relationships, unfiltered. Hello. Quentin Welcome to the show.

 

Quentin Decamp:
Hello. Thank you for having me.

 

Dr. Liz:
Yes, thank you for being here. It's so great to connect and to be able to meet in this way after our Instagram connections that we've had. You have some very entertaining videos that you put up on Instagram.

 

Quentin Decamp:
Thank you.

 

Dr. Liz:
Inspiration of that from for those.

 

Quentin Decamp:
Well, I think it's because I'm like the client that says we need to go quite really deep with them. And I wanted to have the contrast between, you know, because the work we do is like we deal with things that are very. Are you still there?

 

Dr. Liz:
Yes.

 

Quentin Decamp:
Yeah, I could. I just couldn't see you anymore.

Dr. Liz:
Yes. Sorry. Yes.

 

Quentin Decamp:
Okay. Go back in. So, yeah, we did we've we've issues and we've did the problem. So I wanted to have that contrast between a video that can actually entertain people on some level. But then the caption will give you a lot of values. So that was my really my take on it. We've we've this approach.

 

Dr. Liz:
Yes. Yeah. And I'm sure that people really connect to that then, because the there's the humor piece of it that they that brings them in and then they read through the caption and are able to get really good takeaways because the messages that you're sending are so relatable and they are very much what a lot of us deal with day to day in our relationships, and especially with attachment wounds and unprocessed traumas and all of that that comes into relationship.

 

Quentin Decamp:
Yeah, absolutely. And that's why I was connecting also with your, you know, with your approach and all the information, because you you give really amazing detail and spot on information. And I think we really need a lot of people like us because I don't know if you noticed, but on social media, there's a lot of things that are inaccurate as well. So I think having precise information is very important for people in a world where there's a lot of inaccuracy and that can drive people like you to complete self-diagnose madness. I'm really standing against that because we need people that are very accurate, especially with mental health. We cannot do continue to to have people pretending to know or extrapolating things and just because average a couple of Instagram posts. So, yeah, I really appreciate your work as well. So thank you for that.

 

Dr. Liz:
Thank you. Yeah, no, thank you. I appreciate that. And I agree with that. There are so many mixed messages that are put out there and also so many messages that are really perpetuating individualism in a way that is actually not conducive for the connection that is necessary in relationship. And so I think that that's you know, and I'm sure you can relate to this, but there's this fine line of the content that we're putting out that we know is the truth. We know that is scientifically backed. We know that it is, you know, psychological truth, but that a lot of mainstream can't accept because they're simultaneously receiving these messages from people who are who are not educated, who are not trained in the field, you know, telling them like just live your best life. You do you and all the things that aren't actually conducive for a relationship.

 

Quentin Decamp:
Yeah, absolutely. You look even more like people trying to date now. Like we don't go to date. We've like, Oh, it's going to be funny. So you see a narcissist or not, how many regular can I support? Agenda on agenda feminist or red pill like killed or not. Does he have BPD? Does he have this? And it's like the dating phase. It's almost like bringing more fear, which is also the honeymoon phase is about this as well. And it's like, man, people are like, Oh, Quentin, I need dating advice. And I'm like, often time we've met, I'm like, just become a man with values and you won't have you won't need any dating advice because the woman in front of you will feel that she will feel the confidence, she will feel the integrity. So focus on you. Focus on becoming a better man, not the king or the queen or something like that. Just be a good human being. You don't need to be a king like it's like most king. We're not really good issues. That is extreme. So like.

 

Dr. Liz:
Yeah, so that maybe is not the goal to try to achieve. When we talk about the honeymoon phase, let's, let's jump into that. So in a new relationship like we love the novelty, we love the excitement, we love all of the feelings that come along with the beginning of a new relationship. But as you and I know, there's often more to it than people realize. So this infatuation can be so blinding. So let's kind of start with that. Let's talk about what's even happening in the honeymoon phase of a new relationship that becomes blinding.

 

Quentin Decamp:
Yeah, absolutely. And, you know, I can relate to that because I was a very kind of sensitive, romantic kid. So I was like, blinded first with, you know, the Disney movie or like the honeymoon phase, like, happily ever after. Actually, your relationship is going to start at the end of the movie, like one of the more intense the honeymoon phase. From what I've experienced personally and from what I've seen in people, the more intense the honeymoon phase, the more fear based it is. And so people can be confronted with that. But and it's probably a big statement from the beginning of that of that discussion. We're going to go there anyway. The city of fears is going to be equal to the intensity of the unresolved wounds. Trapped emotion, accumulation of pressure from past relationship and the level of dysregulation of your nervous system that we still carry. And so, you know, think about how many literally times we can feel nervous at the beginning. It's like micro fear and it's rushes of, as we know, of chemicals into the body. On the one hand, we have dopamine and oxytocin. On the other hand, we have adrenaline and cortisol, and it goes into the same powerful into the body. That's why it becomes so addictive and so that's why it's so intense, because feelings, excitement, excitement is arousal. Arousal is a turn on. That's also why makeup sex is so good, because it's the reassurance boom. And it's a very addictive cocktail between how can I put that to the pain and fear within what I call the pessimistic expectation in a relationship at the beginning, which is, I'll say, going to leave me as a going to find someone else, like, am I good enough? I am well enough. Am I okay in a relationship versus the reassurance which is basically releasing of tension that is stored into our body coming back together. And so from the start and then the moon phase, this is what we get addicted to is the contrast between fear, reassurance, status, stability and stability, proximity, distance control. So go away. And so that's how we fear, from my perspective, into the honeymoon phase. What's your take on it?

 

Dr. Liz:
Yeah, I know that. That's a great point, which as you're talking about that, I mean, that's a lot of how we would describe trauma bond as well, is that there is this constant dance. It's it's the intermittent rewards system. It is the slot machine. So in the honeymoon phase when the point is being put in, so we send that text and we don't know that person yet. So like, how are they going to respond? What are they going to say? How are we going to feel about it? There's just like so much going on, as you're saying in our nervous systems of it's new, it's novel, it's different, and we don't know what to expect. And so some of that, you know, not knowing what to expect, ties into that fear piece. And then if they're able to give us a response that feels good, that feels safe, that feels familiar, which is what then often leads, which is.

 

Quentin Decamp:
Safe, which is safe for the ego. Right?

 

Dr. Liz:
Exactly. Yeah. Then and then we get hooked. And that's that is what is so interesting. You know, when people ask, like, how do I how did I end up in this trauma bond to begin with during that honeymoon phase? If we're getting enough responses that are feel like we know we're used to it, we've seen this. This is this is not it's new enough because it's a different person, but it's still familiar where that dance is, what often leads to the like that addicted getting hooked.

Quentin Decamp:
100%. And I think for all the people that are, you know, following you and listening to you, it's very important to make the difference between when we are in a power struggle and when we are in the trauma, because a lot of people are like, oh, I mean, the trauma bone and stuff, the trauma bone, you can only develop the trauma bone with a partner if you are trauma bonded as a child. And so to be trauma bonded as a child, you need the wound of betrayal. Because every trauma bone, as at school or one of betrayal, whether it was from feeling betrayed because a parents ask them, ask you to meet their needs, or when it was not your job as a child or left you alone one day at home and you feel like it was a betrayal. Or then we go into the darkest of like sexual trauma and stuff like that. The power struggle is going to be it's inevitable. But to the degree you have been able to resolve your wounds, the power struggle will be way less intense because honeymoon phase, we start to be afraid, right? So we start to be very addicted to the person. But it's always revealed first, you know, fear, abandonment, fear of rejection, fear of betrayal. And then we have the darkest fear, which is fear of extension, of fear of ego, death, of fear of mutilation and stuff like that. But so all of that is going to keep us in a state of excitement with all the chemical release and again, through contrast, less pleasure and fear. This is why I want people to understand when you don't get addicted to the person you, that's what you get addicted to at the beginning of the relationship, which is all the contrast. And we need to take that with love. Yeah, and that will form the nature of sexual energy from a place of wounding again, sexual energy from a place of healing. This is from a place of wounded, because fear will even more for a woman or a female body. It will either either in the sense of arousal or inhibit it. And so we can see at the beginning, like that's why some time for a lot of people, it takes time to orgasm because there is some fear that can block the system. And so, yeah, at the same time, how beautiful it is, right? Because we need relationship to understand who we are by virtue of our differences. And our differences are going to be the trigger so we can break free from our sufferings at a deeper level. So yeah, it's pretty.

 

Dr. Liz:
Cool. That's the tough dance though, right? Because that is the knowing, knowing, finding the safety of like corrective experiences. So someone showing up different. Maybe they they're exhibiting some of those things that are familiar to you, but you move forward with the relationship and they're able to put in the work to show up differently. Right? And so we can get corrective experiences. We can learn that people can show up for us, but that is not always the case. And so then sometimes it is just perpetuating those initial betrayals as you're saying, though, with those original betrayals that take place. That's such an important point of this, because that is our programing. So that is what we came to know is familiar. That's what we have come to know as love is those betrayals. And so when when somebody is then demonstrating those behaviors, but then maybe there's those moments of reassurance, you know, we feel like we are getting our needs met in those moments of reassurance when in actuality it is exacerbating the betrayal as it is. It is furthering really that programing.

Quentin Decamp:
100% and the biggest betrayal that you can perpetuate and the biggest manipulation is the people pleasing. We feel reassured, but we don't realize we are abandoning our needs in the process. Maybe if I do that a bit more, they're going to love me a little bit better. They're going to accept me. Maybe they're going to not choose someone else. But this is where we go out of authenticity and integrity. And when we are not in authentic and in integrity, the other person is going to feel it. And so we we often don't see in the trauma bone power struggle, like people say, oh, 18%, I'm losing myself or I'm losing my sense of self, right? And we don't lose ourselves. You just are lost. The sense of self is revealed. And this is why so many people then are going to ask the other person to become their sense of work, to love them from a place of feeling they are not lovable. Or we ask our partner to make us feel important from a place of I don't feel valued in my life. And so this is where big trouble starts. We we will only chase something externally from the belief that we are missing something internally or we are disconnected. That's. Yeah. Yeah.

 

Dr. Liz:
Well, which is such a sign of those unprocessed traumas because that the core beliefs that are developed in our initial programing when we're not getting our needs met and childhood develop those beliefs that we are not good enough, that we're not worthy, that no one's going to show up for us. And so we work so hard in our romantic relationships when we have that unresolved trauma to disprove that narrative that that we feel is so true. But we don't want it to be true. But the problem is we often seek out these relationships that are that are perpetuating it. And those are the ones that we choose, of course, because we're it's familiar. And so we want to use that to rewrite the narrative we want. If that person can just choose us, then we get to feel worthy. Then then all of those core beliefs get to go away. But unfortunately, that's that's not how it works. And often that person is is not going to meet that need.

 

Quentin Decamp:
100%. And we actually don't choose, you know, like that that famous Carl Jung statement, which is until you make the UN countries, countries which will control your life and you will call it fate, I like to reframe a bit and it's like until you make sense of your subconscious, it will choose for you. Like unless you do the work and you hear your ego is going to shoot for you. And that's why often time example of someone with a wound of betrayal, you are going to either or both sometime attract someone that is going to betray you to reinforce what's familiar for the ego, or you are going to go into the relationship betraying yourself. Because again, like you mentioned, that's what's familiar. And so in that only moon phase, when you find what you think is love, to the degree we get addicted to what we believe is love outside of us, we will get scared to lose it. Because that's not love again. That's fear. We cannot lose love. We can only lose the awareness of the connection we have with our own sense of love. And that's happen. You will believe that love is constantly outside of you and it's looking outside and it's a quest that had no hand, no hand at all.

 

Dr. Liz:
How would you describe love in a genuine sense to you, to your clients? Because I know that that can be really confusing. It is. It's a confusing concept, love. Because. Because what is it? And what we a lot of us were taught that it is. It's not. How do you help your clients make sense of that?

 

Quentin Decamp:
Yeah. Often times like it's not going to be a talk. It's going to be when people come to me, I'm like, Wait until the end of the mentorship. Then you're going to start to have a glimpse of what it is. Because the point is not to search for love. Love is inside, right? And so we are being of love. We are the essence of love. And we came on this earth to experience what love is on a human being level. What it's like when we if we were to cut the earth in half. You have the core, right? That's love. That's your bliss, that your soul. And then you have all the crust around and the crust around is all the wounding and the conditioning that you are going to accumulate at the early age. Then you need to peel out. So my approach is like, we are not moving towards something. We are going to remove. What's in the way of you experiencing that, your own sense of love, and then you are going to describe it to me. I'm not going to give you the answer for that. Right. And it's so more empowering for someone to be like, Wow, Like, I feel so much warmth. Like, what is that? Like, what did you ask me at the beginning? Love? And so then when you feel that you can know it's not to trust someone different because you are a new level of love and integrity, you're when you sensual in turn on stage, you're going to shift your emotional state and not in a way, yes, you can change your internal set, you know, by meditating in the morning or doing breathwork that you will see often time people, they stay in that state for maybe an hour and then it come back under normal state. So we need to crack this prison and drugs programing so they can melt and be diffused. Diffused. So love, I have no choice but to it. And so you change your internal or external change. I have to try. And the other day she had to be prison. The first session we crack open. You can see her shaking and trembling like like something was happened happening and she could see the back of a father. And I was like, That's the one of betrayal because your father was walking away from you the day after she messaged me saying you wouldn't believe it. Like everything, I was asking my partner to do that he was never doing. He finally did it. I was like, Yeah, you shift inside. People have no choices to shift. What could have happened is a breakup as well. Sure.

 

Dr. Liz:
So.

 

Quentin Decamp:
Yeah.

 

Dr. Liz:
So. Well, it sounds like what you're describing is that win, which is what I often talk to my clients about, is basically what you want more from your partner. Start by you being that, start by you, providing that, start by showing up differently because that change invites change and we hear our clients talk so frequently about like, if my partner just did this, I would be okay, or they did that, I would feel safe. If I would feel loved, I would feel accepted. And my question is often and again, going back to like mainstream culture, people don't like these questions. They don't want to look inward. They don't want to look at their role in it. But when we ask what is your partner's needs? How are you showing up for your partner? How are you demonstrating love, commitment, dedication, nurturance towards your partner? Yeah, often there's not an answer for that, you know, or the answer comes from that place of ego of, Well, I do everything. I do everything around the house. I do everything for them. Every, you know, like but really then when you ask for them to boil that down to what is everything like, what actually are you doing that is meeting their needs specifically? A lot of people don't realize that. And so when we can actually identify what is our partner need to feel safe to feel accepted, esteemed. And we provide that as you're saying, that that really shifts our partners perspective and their functioning back towards us.

 

Quentin Decamp:
Yeah, beautifully explained. Thank you for sharing that. And yeah, this is the thing. Like the more serving, the more like to the degree you will only attract someone that has a level of integrity to the degree you are in that level of integrity. And sometimes you will hear people saying, I know, I know. I mean in integrity and there were not and blah, blah, blah and they betray me. All right. Where did you betray yourself in the relationship? Let's look at that. Did you say when did you compromise? Did you say why? You are constantly All that relationship is not for me that I'm going to say because it's comfortable. That's a betrayal. And so it's like and then like like you said, you know, like, really understand how the person in front of you wants to be loved. But again, a lot of love language when people are not doing the work, are made out of compensation, then some people will say, Oh, I just want you to tell me you love me. Words of affirmation. But then every time you say that, they are like, Oh, I don't believe you. Well, you don't want to be loved. You are trying to prove that you are not lovable here. So no matter what, I'm going to say to you, it's not going to enter your mind or your heart because your ego is trying to prove that you are not lovable because you feel not lovable with your parents. That's what you are trying to prove. And so when we are in that dynamic, we can try our best. But if the person is not ready, it's not going to work.

 

Dr. Liz:
But in some ways it yeah, what are some ways that you see people so you mentioned people pleasing, which I think is a huge one. It's a huge self betrayal. And we see that. We see that commonly across the board, but especially in the honeymoon phase, right? Like that, people are showing up as their best selves. They like want they're craving that acceptance. They're going to do anything for it. What are some other forms of self betrayal that you see take place during the honeymoon phase, maybe even broken down for the lay person? So, you know, they can really self reflect on that.

 

Quentin Decamp:
Yeah, everything that is out of your truth. So for example, people that start dating again, I ask them to as themself a I'm going on a date right now. What am I still trying to hide about myself to that person and make a list of everything you are going to try to hide and don't hide it because that's how you betray yourself.

 

Dr. Liz:
Like what would be some examples?

 

Quentin Decamp:
Yeah. For example, I will take my example in the past I was a big womanizer. I used to hunt woman and I for sex. I was addicted to porn, I was addicted to sex and all that. My nickname in Paris was Mr. Gray from 50 Shades of Gray. For all the reason that we know if we have read the book and so and so.

 

Dr. Liz:
And I said.

 

Quentin Decamp:
Yeah, So if I look at that right, and I go to why I if I date someone, I wouldn't, I, I wouldn't hide that about myself. I would.

 

Dr. Liz:
I would.

 

Quentin Decamp:
That's right. I would talk about it. Okay. I would just say, yeah, in the past I used to be like this. I used to be like that. I used to be like, that is what I did to transcend it. So if the person is going to be scared about that, okay, I can understand. So maybe it's another one, but I'm not going to hide everything that I've done in the past. That could be shameful or thing because I own my shame. No shame that we don't own leads to humiliation, but shame that we own leads to humility. So I am very humble about what I've done that could have hurt people in the past, that could have hurt myself. And then I'm very clear and direct about why I want to be in my life and what I want to achieve, what I want to accomplish, why I was this. This is where I am and this is you can see it when someone is in the very clear and integrity space. So yeah, like the first thing, like where are you lying? Where are you lying to yourself? Where are you going to try to appear in a way that is not you? Because if you wear a mask and we have so much mask of pretending, we know these people are pretending and we can see behind the veil. If you wear a mask, you are going to attract people that love you for the mask. Right. But as a relationship is a container for us to grow and evolve, at some point the mask is going to form. Don't get surprised if people leave you because you're wearing a mask in the first place, right? Right. That if you don't wear any mask, you're going to attract people that love you and reject you without the mask. Good. Like, so it's a redirection.

 

Dr. Liz:
And I think that that's a great point during the honeymoon stage is that we are constantly looking. We're wondering if the other person is wearing a mask without checking in on our own mask, as you're saying.

 

Quentin Decamp:
Percent.

 

Dr. Liz:
Yeah. And so, yeah, like they're we are so worried about how they might betray us down the road and we're not really assessing am I showing up as my true self? And part of that is even adding on to both of those as your once your needs and your boundaries. Like how are you communicating those are you even know it's like the for women especially you know we are expected to be just go with the flow and like be accommodating and all of these things that not having needs you know that that that is the that's what makes somebody do because when we think about the like am I saying this the crazy ex you know so she was crazy. She so we're we're expected to be easygoing. And I think that for a lot of women, they don't they're not even able to identify needs, wants and boundaries And for men as well. I mean this is all genders, certainly across the board. But I'm just thinking specifically for my field female clients that, you know, they say early on, oh, I'm not the needy girlfriend. Oh, I don't have needs. You don't have to text me. You don't have to tell me I'm beautiful. You have to take me on dates. But that shit comes around real quick and resentment, you know, full force and doesn't come off.

 

Quentin Decamp:
Yeah, I wouldn't. Yeah. Like. And we can see that right? It's like it's very new for me. And like, I started something with someone that I'm like, the first question I will ask her was, What did you do that? Was it betrayal for you? Like, why did you do that? Then you realize you you should not like people pleasing and stuff like that. And she explained, Yeah. Did this, this that, did that, did that. I'm like, okay, you don't do that with me because I will see it and I will know when you are out of integrity. And I don't want that for you. I want you to be to meet your needs, to ask for your needs, because I am going to do the same with you and there is no compromise around it. It's like I cannot honor you and love you if you didn't know yourself by not speaking up, by not telling me what you like and dislike. So and like you mentioned, a lot of women will be scared to say it. I'm like, if you're scared to say it, say it. Don't be scared to lose the person. Because if you tell your truth and the person leave, you have escape to something big time, especially with the honeymoon phase, because we can get addicted very quickly through sex and stuff like that. So it's not like the first date. And you're going to ask 1000 question around an hour and everything. But at the same time, you want to know quite quickly.

 

Dr. Liz:
Right?

 

Quentin Decamp:
Because we all times we don't want to lose our time.

 

Dr. Liz:
And this is where we circle fully back around to how crucial it is that people have done their healing, that they have at least started. I believe that healing is an ongoing process. So even as a therapist and relationship expert, I am not fully healed and I can own that. I have plenty of unprocessed trauma to go around, but I am on my healing journey constantly and I and I'm not going to be stagnant or say I think even saying, Oh no, I'm, I'm fully healed, I am fully evolved, fully arrived is also a self betrayal because that's often not true for a lot of people. But we have to have started our journeys. We have to have enough awareness around what are our adaptive child tendencies, how how are we likely to self betray so that when we get in a relationship we can be aware of this? Yeah, because there's no way to even know any of this is happening. And I want to normalize that for people listening as well as that. Like these things you're not doing intentionally. A lot of times you're not doing that because you're trying to fool anyone, because you're trying to manipulate anyone. A lot of times we just don't know if we don't have a template for showing up for expressing needs and wants. So we don't have a template for our needs being met. It doesn't feel safe enough just to say, Well, just say it and you know, they'll leave or they'll stay. And either way is fine. For a lot of people, that is like debilitating. And and until you do that healing work, it remains debilitating.

 

Quentin Decamp:
Absolutely. Absolutely. You nailed it. And so it's also looking at a relationship that rely only on pleasure and fun will depolarize quite quickly because there is no growth in there. It is stagnant. And if you look at, you know, a water stagnating in a small pond, everything inside is going to start to decay. And so we are going to move to that power struggle phase. And that's why I think people the more wounds they still have to heal, the quicker they move to the power struggle phase.

 

Dr. Liz:
What do you mean by the power struggle phase? Can you elaborate on that?

 

Quentin Decamp:
Yeah, the phase when you start to be triggered by the other person.

 

Dr. Liz:
You're like, Oh yeah, yeah.

 

Quentin Decamp:
Yeah, yeah. It's and you are like, Fuck, I didn't see that about you. Like, Yeah, I actually don't want that. No, it's like and again, outside of a trauma zone because if there is some sort of abuse, just leave. Don't tolerate that. But I'm talking about the power struggle phase. We like. Yeah, you know what? You piece the shit out of me, but you're still important to me. So I'm going to go there with you because I know it's good for my healing. For your healing. So then we can come together and create a powerful container. And so what happened in between that honeymoon phase and that power struggle phase is that like you explain again, there's an entity patient that all needs are going to be met by this person. Yes, everything is going to be met. But then there's a protest from feeling that our needs are not met while the ego is actually meeting its need. Because what you need will be oftentimes the opposite of what your ego needs and the ego needs. And oftentimes people are like, What are you talking about? The ego needs are going to be abandonment, rejection, betrayal, humiliation, deprivation and powerlessness. Because most of us I've experienced that as a child. So we have basic needs as a human being to be loved, to be respected, to be seen and all that. But then when that is not met, the ego is going to take what's familiar, and that's become the shadow needs or the ego needs. And so we go into this relationship not knowing that the ego is going to try to meet its need. That's why people are stuck. I feel abandoned, I feel rejected, I feel betrayal. Sometimes I see abandonment, but sometimes, just like you taking your phone and your partner taking your food, and then you are like, Fuck, she's probably cheating on me. That's the first thought. And that's where, like, your ego is trying to meet your need for betrayal here, because that's what was familiar.

 

Dr. Liz:
So that that there term even for that would be like confirmation bias right like we have this belief that and so the ego need is that we are trying to confirm that for ourselves that yes what you believe is true and I'm I'm going to get you evidence to support that. So this one.

 

Quentin Decamp:
Number 100% and like don't don't excuse yourself. You can interrupt me. It's okay. So discussion. So yeah, I went through people haven't done, you know, any work that works because again like what I can see that is is a lot of work that people are actually in that same thing or when they are not the way or ones out not actively working on themself but and they don't have a precise awareness of all their subconscious present or programing. Again, the stronger your love at first sight, the more intense your dating moments, the more like excitement. But very, very fearful excitement, the more likely you have attracted. Yeah. The more likely you have attracted someone who has the same emotional signature as the caregiver. You are most afraid to be around The caregiver you are lacking from the most. The caregiver who may be punished or hurt you the most, or the combination of both parents in case of a very abusive household. So we will always bring in partner to finish the unfinished businesses that we have with our parents that if if everyone could know, that relationship would change dramatically because now it's like, okay, a relationship is not about love. I am about love. So my job is to reconnect with my own sense of love so then I can bring my love into that relationship. She is going to or he's going to reveal something about me. I'm going to reveal something about them. Cool. And let's look at that and be like, Yeah, cool. Let's let's work together. We got this.

 

Dr. Liz:
Yeah, I think that that is the other piece of this that I have recently been talking more about with clients. And just in general, is that we are likely going to end up in relationship with somebody familiar. So if we do all of the healing work we do, you know, and we're trying to be aware of like we don't want to repeat this narrative, we don't want to reinforce these beliefs, okay, You can do all of that work and you're still going to end up with somebody that's probably somewhat familiar now on what degree is going to be based on your healing and the work that you've done. But when you start to realize Oshkosh that this person is triggering some some of my dad, this person's triggered some of my mom, that is not an indication that that relationship needs to end or that that relationship is completely toxic what is the indication of that is are you willing to talk about it? Are you willing to do something about it? And is your partner willing to receive that? And also do that work, accept that awareness, receive that, and and make the efforts to show up differently. That is what's going to be the defining factor that's going to be the distinction between toxic and healthy relationship. So so you know, when you realize, oh, okay, this person is kind of like my dad, okay, we don't have to throw in the towel, but we do have to do something about it and we do have to talk about it and we do have to address it.

 

Quentin Decamp:
Absolutely. And, you know, like, this is the thing I was seeing on Instagram more and more. The moment you say, Oh, if your partner make your nervous system react, then you feel a bit unsafe. That's not the one for you. I'm like, this is this is infusing perfectionism or sparkle energy. Yes. Like and I think we did a similar pause between making the difference between is my partner is abusive and making me feel unsafe or am I unsafe because of my programing and my prison? We have to make the difference. Otherwise it's too easy. Or you make me feel unsafe. Once I'm out, you can spend a lifetime dating like this and never find someone because you have wounds. Never once were revealed.

 

Dr. Liz:
And that, yes, the whole like chemistry. If you have chemistry with somebody, that means that that that it's toxic. It means that there's like that that person is bringing up your trauma that you should it like all of these things. It's like, by the way, chemistry is actually a really important part of a relationship. Like, we do need to have chemistry for a sustainability of a relationship. It is what is the intensity of that chemistry and is that chemistry like something that you are able to navigate and you're able to manage and you're able to understand where it's coming from versus something that is sending you into panic attacks and really obsessive behaviors. There is a fucking difference. So like really like sending that cut and dry message of like, Nope, this person's not for you. If this is happening for the love of God, please, that's not working.

 

Quentin Decamp:
100%. And you know, I'm a man. I know a woman can be intoxicating, like in terms of. Wow. Yes. Like body wise face wasn't even like inside was like how they speak of they interact and how they move and all all these things. And so it's very important for you, for us to do the work, because then you can recognize and it's very rewarding and fulfilling when you look at your past, look how you were reacting to only one phase and how you will lose yourself in it and stuff like that. And now, especially as a man being, sometime I want to move towards this person. Nope, I'm staying. I'm like, I'm not going to move. Every time I feel tense about it, I'm going to practice that masculine energy, which is like, Yeah, I want her good. Like keep working on the purpose, keep working on your job. Do the thing that make you feel fulfilled And then I'm going to go and then I'm going to connect. And so having that approach of transcend all transfer because it's like transcend your limitation, do the best work you can do before the relationship, the the what still need to be revealed is going to be revealed in the relationship. So transcend what you can transcend. Otherwise that's going to be transferred to your partner and your children. So the sentence I love to use, it's like unless you reconciled with your story, you will be in a relationship with the story's based on the fear that your ego is in love with. And it's a very, very powerful statement that we need to look out. It's like, okay, what are the stories, especially in the honeymoon phase that I keep telling myself that are going to maybe sabotage me in the process or sabotage a partner instead of enjoying just enjoying because honeymoon phase is a fun thing. In my last relationship, I didn't have any honeymoon phase because I went directly. It was chaotic. She was divorcing. I was a child as well. I didn't have time. So now I want to enjoy that because honeymoon phase is also going to be a solid base for you to see how your partnership can evolve. It's not only like you have to be like, Oh, he's my wound and stuff like that. Just enjoy it as well. It's very important.

 

Dr. Liz:
I know such a good point that we don't have to overanalyze everything and we don't have to pathologize everything and we don't have to make everything more than it is with you were to say, you know, these are the couple things to maybe be aware of during a honeymoon phase while you're also simultaneously enjoying it. What would those couple of things be?

 

Quentin Decamp:
Yeah, So yeah, it's a very interesting question because it's like people see red flags everywhere now. I mean, like the first thing is, again, clarity and integrity. It's an energy and it's going to be, again, your best compass is you. The more you know you are in integrity, the more you're going to recognize that in people. You recognize the energy of the lie. You can see someone physiology or voice change when they lie or wed hide something. The body culture be they look different. So why there is so many things that we to talk about? Yeah, look for clarity. Does that person knows what she wants those like if you are for example a what do you value develop or time in your life? What do you want relationship and quite clear on it that's a good sign is like, oh, like if you have a man that come and say, I just want to go with the flow, run the other way because it's not going to work or run the other way. Like because all this.

 

Dr. Liz:
Shit.

 

Quentin Decamp:
Full of shit, like the bypassing thing, let's go Netflix and shit. And that will do some, some healing and I'm going to message you. That's the biggest bullshit I can hear. Don't do that. Just recognize this. What would you say? Kind of the, you know, the really red flag that we need to look at. Not the bullshit red flag that we can hear all the time.

 

Dr. Liz:
Yeah. So the red flags I talk about are the universal red flags and that that is if somebody is how are they treating the staff at the restaurant? How are they treating the people around you? How are they are they able to hold a conversation? Are they asking you questions? Do they have interest in knowing about you? Those are those are the things that I suggest to somebody who comes across as really self-absorbed in the first couple of dates. That's who they are. So that like, that's not because they're nervous. That's not because this is awkward, Like that's who they are. And so those are some of the universal ones I suggest being aware of. But when it comes like, Oh, they work too much, that's a red flag. Well, so personally for me, I'm like, Excuse me, screw you, because I work too much. So the some of those I'm like, that's not a red flag. That's you subjectively don't like that. And so I do like to make that distinction as well, that there is a difference between a red flag and a preference. But I would say during the honeymoon stage, the things to be aware of are engaging in self-reflection frequently. So as you were saying in on am I trying to hide something? Am I showing up as my authentic self? Do I feel safe around them? So even if I am feeling excited and kind of giddy, do I still safe? Do I feel comfortable? Those are some of the main things. And then also how quickly conflict starts. I That's a really important thing to be aware of because if you're having conflict in the honeymoon stage, like you might want to build out of that.

 

Quentin Decamp:
Yeah, it's a big indicator of difference of values or preferences, or are also the non-negotiable. Like for example, if you want a child and the other person doesn't want, don't try to stay and convince them. Believe them from the stuff. No, I don't want the child all the time, but they're still good. Now, if it's really a non-negotiable, because you asserting that this is a non-negotiable for me, therefore I'm not going to go there. That's dignity. That is integrity. You are going to attract someone that is going to like your non-negotiable. And beyond board with this, because that's integration opportunity. You are going to attract people that time. This you want us to see if you are going to get out of integrity or if you are going to stay in it. You succeed at that. You're going to bring someone in that will be at the same level as you.

 

Dr. Liz:
Absolutely. I love that. Very well said. Quentin, thank you so much for your time today. Where can people find you? How can they learn more about you? How can they go check out your amazing reels that cracked me up?

 

Quentin Decamp:
Yeah. Thank you. Thank you for. For having me. So for now, it's only on Instagram. So at Quentin, the g the D can. So here we go. It's coming on the screen right now. And so I'm in the middle of rebuilding everything and rebuilding my branding, my website, my I'm going to start probably next year. Do groups and online courses just only doing one on one right now because I think it's very, very important to still have people doing one on one. That's where the best transformation can happen. And yeah, that's it.

 

Dr. Liz:
Well, very good. Quentin, thank you again. And this was a great conversation. I appreciate your time.

 

Quentin Decamp:
Thank you. Really likewise. Thank you so much.

 

Dr. Liz:
Thanks again, Quentin, for chatting with me all about the honeymoon stage. And thank you all for hanging out on relatable relationships unfiltered. Make sure to subscribe to our YouTube channel sign up for my newsletter and find me on Instagram at Dr. Elizabeth Fedrick. This is relatable relationships, unfiltered.