Relatable podcast 

Dr. Liz:
Your ex is in a relationship, so she's remarried. So my ex and I are both single. And I mean, as we've talked about, he and I have gone through relationships and that's been an experience in and of itself. But for you, your ex is in a relationship. What is that like for you and what is that? How do you think it impacts him? Like what does that dynamic like?

 

Brad Perry:
I'm being an intro for this and look at her answer.

 

Dr. Liz:
That's what the show is.

 

Brad Perry:
I know. Get in trouble.

 

Dr. Liz:
This is relatable relationships, unfiltered. Hey, welcome to Relatable Relationships Unfiltered. Today I'm hanging out with my friend and TV personality, Brad Perry. As you all know by now, I'm still friends with my ex and so is Brad. I'm so excited to talk about this topic from the male perspective. Okay, so that was probably my favorite lead in to you conversation.

 

Dr. Liz:
Yet as the producers telling you, pretend you're friends and like you're at lunch talking about this and I'm like, wait, no, don't, don't give him that permission because we are friends and we have gone to lunch and he'll take advantage of you saying that.

 

Brad Perry:
yes, I will. So I will definitely So, you know, Doctor, this is so cool. I have to say, I have been following you and we've talked in the past about exes getting along, co-parenting relationships with each other, doing things. And I just want to give them a male perspective of it because, you know, I think people find it weird. I think people find it weird that the ex can get along and think that we both have to be angry and think the man, you know, is all these things and he can't co-parent. He can't do what needs to be done. I really wanted to talk about it because it's been great in my life.

 

Dr. Liz:
Right? And you and I, I mean, we've talked a lot about that. As Melissa was saying at lunch, we've literally had this conversation many times in that setting that that was a big part of our of our personal conversations was around that, that we bonded on that realization as we started talking like, Tell me about your ex. Tell me about your ex. And we both were like, shit. Like, you're still friends with yours and I'm still friends with mine. And I, you know, recently just spoke with Heidi Powell about this. And you you saw that on Instagram and you had mentioned, like I really want to talk about this from a male perspective. And I love that because when you and I talk about it, there are so many similarities, yet so many differences, because the way that we see it, the way that were viewed because of gender, all of that is different. What was that decision like for you and your ex? Like, did you know you would stay friends? Was that part of the divorce process?

 

Brad Perry:
That was that was the goal. I think the goal was because I saw my parents who were divorced, did get along to a point, and I thought it was very important. And as I was looking at that, I saw friends who have it sounds, how am I going to say this? They have kids who are just in dire trouble. They have kids who have lost their way. And I looked and it was it came down to where the parents didn't get along. And I said, I never want that for my kids. I want them to feel comfortable coming to each parent. I want them to be upset with one parent and not worry about the other parent. We never talk bad about each other. And the part I come from, man, is that I have no ill will towards my ex. The reason is the best part is she's a mother, my children. So when we were together, I was in love with her. I was so much love that I had children. So when it came to the divorce, in part I had to really step back and look at myself. And she looked at herself and and that's the thing. And I think one reason men get angry about divorce because they feel like they failed. They failed at making this person they fell in love with happy. And I think that's the biggest problem that they've been going through. Their whole relationship was that they're trying to make this person happy that didn't need them to make them happy, but also wasn't their job. So now I feel like I'm a failure. They didn't make me happy. I'm mad at you because I tried my best and blah blah, blah, this and that. When actually you step back and look at things, it wasn't my job to make my ex-wife happy and it was her job that I was there to support her. And so. Right.

 

Dr. Liz:
And I don't know if like from a gender, I feel like that could be any gender. It could really feel that way if, you know, when it comes to the end of a relationship, that feeling rejected, feeling like I didn't do enough, I wasn't enough. There was something about me that you wanted to go find something else. I wonder if the person who chooses the divorce, like if that influence is so with you and your ex did, was it very clear it was somebody who wanted it versus the other? Was it a mutual thing? And do you think that's influence the relationship?

 

Brad Perry:
Well, it was I think so. I think what was is that we both sat back and looked at what was going on and we drew a part that was the biggest part with me in the business on men and women business. You do get lost. I'm a big baby and you have this path that you go down. And I kind of like to start to drift apart. You know, she was there home taking care of the kids and stuff. I'm over here doing my thing or it's fun and it's kind of like drifted apart. But that's why we stopped and said, you know what? It's neither one of our faults. Does that make sense? It's like, Yeah, it's not one person. It takes two to tango. And I think that's when we went to our separate areas. But we also were like, What's the most important thing to us? And that's our children and having healthy children. Yeah, And I think what I love about you, Doctor, and I think that's where Connect is that you still do things with your ex with no problem. I know you take trips with your kid and you know with your son and him. You guys meet up and talk and everything and that's just that is like the most important thing you can do. Now. There's times that, you know, I was jealous when she was doing things. I mean, that comes with it and stuff when she was dating and everything. But I did not I didn't get angry like some people do and want to take it out on her with the kids or anything or denying her money and stuff. I mean, as a as I tell guys that when I talk with them, I mean, the biggest part is that is the mother of your child. Stop, stop torturing her because you're unhappy. But I always tell people to the reason why you're unhappy is because you still love the person. I think that's what we get into is that I say the reason why you're mad is because you're still in love with this person, but you want to be mad. So now you're getting angry that you're still in love. And I think that's what the big thing is. And I don't know. I ask you, Doctor, I mean I mean, do you still do you still love your ex?

 

Dr. Liz:
Well, I still love him deeply, for sure. But am I in love with him? No. And he and I have these open conversations that nor is he in love with me that that this has this process of transitioning our relationship to what it is today. Yes. I love him more than, you know, anyone in this world next to my son. Like they're the definitely the two people I love the most in this world. And so that would never change. But I think you're right. The being in love really starts to complicate things because they say, you know, the opposite of love is not hate, but rather apathy. And so for these people who have so much hatred still towards that person, you have to wonder, like you're saying, what are some of those unresolved emotions still going on?

 

Brad Perry:
Yeah, and that's where I think with I mean, as a man, it's get in touch with your emotions. I think that was the biggest thing. I think the best thing I did was go see somebody. I think sometimes as men, we don't want to go see somebody. It makes us weak. And I don't want to talk to a doctor because I don't know, crazy or anything like that. But I wasn't crazy. I just need someone to really help me explain my feelings. And that's the first thing that, you know. The doctor I saw that the psychiatrists and psychologists, I saw both of them really just said the problem you have is that you still love your wife and it's okay. And her doctor said the same thing. Her therapist said, listen, you still love him. It's okay. There's nothing wrong with that. I mean, and once we got that, I think it all went smoothly. And we I mean, even to this day, I mean, her husband and I, we've gone camping together. We've done things. And I always say that the the part of is that you're leaving a legacy. And I love the legacy that I'm leaving are my kids are able to say their parents get along and still love each other even though they're not married. It's the best thing you ever could do.

 

Dr. Liz:
And that's something that's different in our dynamics that we've talked about is that your ex is in a relationship, so she's remarried. So my ex and I are both single and I mean, as we've talked about, he and I have gone through relationships and that's been, you know, an experience in and of itself. But for you, your exes in a relationship, what is that like for you and what is that? How do you think it impacts him? Like what does that dynamic like.

 

Brad Perry:
I'm I'm being in intro for this and look at her.

 

Dr. Liz:
Answer That's what the show is.

 

Brad Perry:
I know get in trouble. I will say that he at first didn't understand like a lot of her friends and my friends didn't get that. We got along. We were supposed to be fighting with each other, this man, because he came from an unhealthy divorce with his ex. So I think it was very intimidating to him. Excuse. Excuse me. Sorry. We're at lunch. That's what happens. And I think with me, I was okay. I think at first I was upset because, you know, I knew the person from church and stuff as we saw them. And then I find out that their date and I was like, What in the world is going on here? So that was that was one thing. But now, no, I support them. I think they're great married thing. And I think I learned it from my mother because my mother, I didn't remarry, my dad did and my dad, my mother sent them on their honeymoon. She was like, I want you to be happy. I mean, that's going to help the kids be happy. It's going to make me happy. And then you're off my back. So, you know, that's that dynamic. I mean, again, I still love her, and I think that's the hard thing for people to understand. I think that is the big part that, you know, she's been telling him like, yeah, I know, I still love them. I'm not Lebanon, I'm in love with you and I love you. But he's the father of my children. And so, I mean.

 

Dr. Liz:
So he was confused by it and it was hard to understand. Did he accepted, though, or was there pushback?

 

Brad Perry:
Didn't There was a little pushback. But now he's accept. I think it's just kind of now it's like, okay. And they've been together for a while now. But I think it was still like, you know, kind of weird. I mean, it's it's still kind of weird because we we have our time that we do. I mean, they have their family time and stuff when the kids are around. But we promised ourself that us for would always have our time together during the holidays or when they're busy and stuff. And so I think that still kind of he feels left out or whatever like that. But I mean, that's it. But I think it all still works out and he understands. I mean, I'm not at their house or anything. I mean, we don't go out for drinks constantly and stuff like that. And I think that sometimes I think that could be overdone, too. I think I see those guys that want to be buddy buddy with the new husband and they're all great Mary, things like that. And I know I don't know if I could do that. Could you do that? Could you be buddy buddy with your ex's new girlfriend or wife or anybody?

 

Dr. Liz:
I would love to say yes, because I would love that dynamic. I would love for our family to grow. I said I would love to say yes. Okay. Relax a lot. Yeah. Okay.

 

Brad Perry:
I got with you. The things that we did.

 

Dr. Liz:
Do when he was in a relationship or I was like, we could coexist in that way and it was fine, but inevitably it shifts mine and Richard's relationship. If we're in the obviously if we're in the same room with our new partners, the things that we would do and not even think twice about when it's just the two of us, you know, like me is embarrassing. That's it. As this is still making his plate at a meal. Like we've been divorced for three years and and not. No, no, no. Hold on. Not all of the time. But if we if it's just the three of us, if it's just me and my son and my husband's. 
Ex-husband and. My ex-husband hanging out together and I'm putting a plate together for my son, I'm going to throw food on a plate for him. And it's just I mean, we've been together for 20 years in that as as a family unit. But if you is me.

 

Brad Perry:
He's still cut up his meat and everything for him.

 

Dr. Liz:

And I would do that. If you wanted me to. I'd take care of the man. Okay, So. Needless to say, his partner nor my partner would love that. So those things obviously did not happen when we had other people around. But again, it's things that we just wouldn't think twice about in the way that we interact in. And when we bring in that other element, it's things that you have to be aware of because also being respectful, right?

 

Brad Perry:
Like that's yeah. And that's why.

 

Dr. Liz:
Mitch Why are you cutting up my man?

 

Brad Perry:
Right? And I think the thing is like as a guy, I mean we, we still want to have like, we're here. The life saver no matter what goes on. But we can't. And I and I try not to be. I mean, I try my best and to listen. But I think what's a big part with my divorce, I stop and became a listener to what she needs and what goes on and still trying to be a fixer. And I think that's also one reason why I think a lot of men and women don't get along when the divorce because that man wants to be a fixer. And I and I stopped trying to be a fixer. I love that I bring up the name out in the why. And don't worry, I'm not going to slap anybody. But Will Smith said it to Jada Pinkett when they were going through their problems. He came in and said, I'm done. I'm retiring from all this. I'm not over. And she thought, Whoa, whoa, what's going on? I mean, from show business, he goes, No, from trying to make you happy because I can't do it anymore. And she's like, Well, why were you trying to. That's not your job. You bought me this big house for me. That wasn't for me. It was for you. You got me this car. It wasn't for me. It was for you. So you've been trying to do all this stuff, but you never asked me. And listen to me. What makes me happy? Because I don't want that car. You see it sitting in the garage. I don't need this big house. I came from my apartment. I think that's the part where I think we also get angry in our divorce. We're still trying to fix what is broken, and that's making them happy. And again, I mean, I mean, there's a lot to make you happy, you know? And that's why you got a dog, right? Is that why you got the dog? The dog makes you happy. Better than the man. Am I right?

 

Dr. Liz:
Cause we got to go there. I got the dog because I'm fucking lonely. Okay? That's why I got the dog. And it's helped. So. Yeah.

 

Brad Perry:
Well, let me ask. Let me ask you that. Let me ask you this. Does being lonely make you want to go back to your ex? Does it make you now because it doesn't.

 

Dr. Liz:
Make you want to go back to anyone? I think that that I had that thought the other day, like, I hate I love being alone, but I hate like someone not around if that like the way that I conceptualize it. It's such a dissonance of I love living alone. I would never want to live with anyone again. I would never want to get remarried, Nothing like that. Like I love my own space.

 

Brad Perry:
Is this being recorded right now? Because I want to make sure within like a couple of months, three months, I get this call or I get the text going, Hey, you know what? I met the guy in my life. It's amazing. I'm getting married next week.

 

Dr. Liz:
Brad, It's been three years since I have been divorced, and there's not been one time in my life when I felt that compelled to say that. No, no, I mean. I don't. Do you? You've been divorced even longer. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. Let's talk about your dating life. Let's talk about how you are in your pursuit towards this partnership.

 

Brad Perry:

my God. Something's happening to my earpiece. I don't know what happened exactly.

 

Dr. Liz:
Do you actually want to be married again?

 

Brad Perry:
I want women married now. I know.

 

Dr. Liz:
Okay, But you do. You'd want to live with somebody.

 

Brad Perry:
Go. Yeah.

 

Dr. Liz:

Okay. Tell me about that. What's the what's the appeal?

 

Brad Perry:
Well, when you find someone, you're, you know, you want to be with them and stuff. I mean, I don't know. I guess it's not. You know, this I think I've learned to be alone. So I think I'm with you. I think I'm the part where I've wanted to be alone, so it isn't. But yes, I would love to. You know, full back relationship, everything going on that's important right there.

 

Dr. Liz:
So wouldn't it be kind of ideal? I mean, just just bear with me if, like, you could have a partner who you loved a lot. I'm fine with monogamy, to be clear. Like, I'm totally fine with being in a committed sexual relationship, but I don't want to be in a committed partnership. I don't want to have that around me, that type of thing. So someone could. Come around like couple of days a week and, you know, you know. Whatever happens, happens and that's perfect.

 

Brad Perry:
That's it. Right? That's that's the perfect. Yeah, the perfect life. Right back out there. I'm happy then I think. look at that. Wow, This is. A turn, right? Took a turn right around and it looks like so. All right, let's bring this back.

 

Dr. Liz:

Okay, So how do you what would you anyways, what would be ideal in regard? Like, I don't want to be commit like I want to wake up every day and be like I choose to be with you. And when you combine all of that, that just makes it so much more complicated because if you wake up and you don't want to be together, shit, Now there's moving trucks, there's new furniture, it's a whole thing, right?

 

Brad Perry:
And I think that's the part with the relationship. I think that's when you realize that you can coexist with your ex knowing that, okay, you know, I do love them, but I don't want to be with them and we can parent. And that's my biggest goal is is the kids. And I think with anybody I talk to about this, it's the kids. And I give the story of my daughter when she was about 14, 15 years old. She went over to a friend's house for a overnight stay. And there, there. And then it was my time to have her when she came back. So she came directly to my house and two in a room. And she was just kind of like, you know, home. And I was like, is everything okay? You know, from the sleepover, something happened. She goes, Well, I felt really bad. I go, What do you mean you felt bad? She goes, Well, I felt bad because everybody was like bashing their mom or their dad or whatever with their divorce and everything. And they came to me and I had nothing bad to say. I mean, I had nothing bad to say to participate because I said, well, my parents right now are at dinner deciding what I'm doing for the summer and who's got me or whatever like that. And there's no problem. I think that's that's the part that I love to hear. I go, That's great. I mean, when you can have your child say that, that they have they have no ill will towards either one of the parents. That's that's the part that's a goal. As an even to the point I'll fast forward. My daughter's at college and senior year she's about to graduate and they have, you know, the whole ceremony and stuff. And she had one of her roommates who parents were going to come to the daughter's graduation because that's how much they hated each other. They were divorced and they knew if the other one was there, the other one. So they said, neither one of us are coming because I think she's going to be or whatever. And my daughter's like, okay, well, my parents didn't come with us and my parents are divorced and she called her parents and said, Listen, don't worry about coming. The kids who are divorced and are great parents are going to be my parents. For graduation, the parents showed up and came and talked to us and asked us and talked to us about it. And I told my goals and put your different side for this, for this kid. And that's, I think, the main thing. I mean, with that, do you have differences with your ex that you had to put aside?

 

Dr. Liz:
well, sure, but not. At He. Went through the divorce process. We were just like, so the complicated part with us is that we've been best friends since day one. We've been best friends since I was 16, 17 years old. And my.

 

Brad Perry:
Gosh, I mean, ten years, Right?

 

Dr. Liz:
Exactly. Thank you. Yes. So we have such like a foundation. And I think that's what really makes us different from a lot of couples, that our relationship goes so much deeper than a romantic relationship. And so, yes, of course, we've had differences, but our ability to either bicker through them and not have to worry about that being the demise of our friendship or process through them, for sure, the the new relationships, that is probably the part that would create the most differences in conversation just because of how it shifts our world in the way that we know it. Yeah, but I wanted to ask you, with your kids, where they win, were they surprised when you told them you were getting divorced and how did they handle that initial information?

 

Brad Perry:
Well, they were yes, they were a little so they were surprised. They thought that, again, it was going to be like they've seen their friends who are parents of divorce and thought it was going to be ugly and fighting. And they didn't have a roof over their head. They were going to hear their mother say, I don't know how we're going to get food this this week, because dad didn't send me the check. And, you know, you know what's going to ask me? Are you going to hold back money from mom and who am I going to live with? And do I have to choose blah, blah, blah? And then we sat them down and just said, listen, mom and dad are are not getting along in a certain way, but it doesn't stop us from you kids. You kids will always be, you know, our kids and family and we'll always be family are because we're divorced doesn't mean we're not family, doesn't mean we can't be together. And that was what we told them. And I think that was what really made them feel more secure that, no, you're still going to have a roof over your head, you're still going to be eating, you're still going to be doing everything. And so mom and dad are not going to be there. And also to we sit down and we we set our rules. So we we said, what goes on in your house goes on in your house. What goes on in my house goes on in my house. I mean, we can't rule, but we do have a general rule that we have to decide on that we stick with that will be at either one of our houses. And that was, of course, homework. The way you speak and talk to your brother and sister and to your mother and to and to me. And the other one was about church. So while the kids were either one of us, they had to go to church. So that was our our main thing. And how. Did they how.

 

Dr. Liz:
Did they deal with the initial transition was. It was a.

 

Brad Perry:
Party. It was a party because one thing too, I lived like literally one street over. I made sure they could walk to the house. I wasn't going to move into some other place or whatever like that. It was, you know, it was a walking distance. And then when I did move out of town, my son came to live with me, which was needed. Daughter went to school, so my ex was home, but it was something that was needed for me when I have to take care of kids. And that's something also to I think I want to say to the women out there is give them responsibility. I mean, guess what? The kids, it takes a lot to break a kid. We know that. You know, it takes a lot. And the guys need and the kids are going to eat and don't think you have to run his house when you're separated. And I think that was a key thing. And it's a guy I don't need to run her house. And again, that goes back to that. And I think that helped out the kids. And like I said, it was a party because we still continued on. It was just they had two places, still rules set in place. And, you know, I think it thrived. I mean, daughters, 29 years old, sons 25. There's no drinking, no drug problems, no kids out of wedlock. And not saying that always happens. But a lot of divorced kids do turn to alternative things because of that bickering, that fighting, that not knowing and stuff. And so my my like I said, my biggest thing is I wanted the kids to be okay. And I knew that was us having to co-parent, get along and realize that we still love each other, but we can't be together. And that's and. I think.

 

Dr. Liz:
What you're describing with the boundaries and expectations are such important conversations to have going through a divorce if your goal is to effectively co-parent, because I like how you said both of that. We decided together on these are the expectations in both homes. But as you said, I mean, it was a handful of things. It was not this laundry list of things like these are the non-negotiables in both homes. But then aside from that, we don't need to try to run each other's homes. And I know that was my struggle a lot early on, just being very alpha personality. I know that my chalk you, Brad, but that's, you know how I show up in this world. So having that personality and knowing that was my role when the three of us live together was that I ran stuff. And so when I was removed from that, it was hard and took me time to transition out of not trying to dictate when my kid went to bed and what they ate and all of these things. But I had to learn that that was really detrimental to their relationship. Me inserting myself in that way.

 

Brad Perry:
Yeah. And I think what happens is guys go, Well, if I'm paying the bills, I'm going to lay down the law. No, that's not the case at all, you know, and you shouldn't look at as you're paying the bills to run the house or anything, you're paying the bills to keep a roof over your child's head, to take care of their schooling, to feed them. And I think that's where you have to sit and look at that. I think that's where a lot of guys also saying, well, I'm giving her all this money and what after that, because she's there to take care of your kids, you know? And that was true. We sat down, we talked about that.

 

Dr. Liz:
Yeah. And I think I mean, there's a lot so like in my situation, we we both solely supported our ourselves financially, you know, and so that wasn't so potentially I mean, that was probably a part of the reason why it went so smoothly, because we didn't rely on each other at all financially in that way. So I would imagine that that does create frustration. I know from a lot of my clients that I've sat with that they do feel that way. They do feel that they end up, you know, whether it's a lump sum or it's a lot of money a month. But on the flip side, I think that's why a lot of people end up staying together then. Right? Because when you start crunching those numbers and then it's like, but what's worse.

 

Brad Perry:
In there it is right there, and guess what happens? It gets worse and you get more angry each other. And that's where abuse comes in and that's where, you know, different things start happening. You start resenting each other. And I think that is why you have to sit down and really say, Is it worth us staying together in this situation or tighten our belt budgeting? And that's the part to a lot of things. You want divorce. You can't live the way you were living when you get divorced, you have to really sit back and crunch those numbers and pay attention. But also don't stay if you're not happy when you guys can't work it out. I think that it's just more and more and then what happens? The kid turns 18 and mom and dad get divorced, and then they're even more devastated because it's like, Well, why didn't you get divorced sooner? Well, is that my fault that you guys stay together and you are miserable? I think that's more than them going, Hey, we got divorced because we didn't love each other. It wasn't your kids fault or anything like that. And I think that's also to explain to the kids, none of this is your fault. You know, the only fault I think would be is we stayed together for you. But that's still not your fault. That was our fault. Right? I think that's I think if you if you hear what I keep on saying and I say it, the guys take responsibility on the part that it takes two to tango. It's not just her. There's things that will come up and do, but really take a look at yourself and know, was I a great husband? No. Was a good dad? Not always. And I admit to it. And so I'm looking forward to the grandchildren.

 

Dr. Liz:

So that's your three due, your second chance?

 

Brad Perry:
Yeah, I'm looking forward to the grandchildren. Get them to make it. Then you guys are going to be like, What are you doing, Dad? You never did that with us. I know, I know. So I think.

 

Dr. Liz:
The theme of what I hear you saying, though, is really like, communication seems to be strong in your family unit and I think that that's what a lot of families lack, whether married or divorced, is the communication skills and the willingness to have open dialog around all of this. And so much could be prevented and resolved with the open dialog where you guys like that throughout your marriage as well. Very like communicate. Yeah.

 

Brad Perry:
Yeah. We really talked about things. I think that's also where we didn't talk about things. We didn't talk about happiness. Wouldn't talk about that. She was going through postpartum depression that drew apart. We didn't talk about how my, you know, popularity started to take effect on me and things that I was doing that I shouldn't have been doing and stuff like that. It never I didn't I didn't go to her to talk about that like we should. And then once we started to grow apart, we started to talk. More than once we got divorced, we really sat down and talked about it and we could fix it. And that's the thing to all. Marriages are fixable, you know, if you want to have it fixed at the time. Well, at the time, we I think it when it comes up with comes down to communication. So that's the same at the beginning. You talk about things, you don't try to fix them, you talk about them, and then you have a more understanding and then you can move through life much easier. That's my that's me. I know I'm not trained like that, but that sometimes I see.

 

Dr. Liz:
I think yes, I think that if there is if there is a basis for that marriage to work and the problem is conflict or lack of communication, then I think you're absolutely right. I think that it can certainly be resolved. But I think that a lot of marriages end for various reasons that, you know, maybe aren't going to be resolved through communication. And that's normal and. Okay. And, you know, that's divorce is not it's not an indicator of failure is not an indicator of, you know, any of those things that as you and I know, like, we are both thriving personally and professionally, being in a divorced status, you know, So I don't I really don't think that divorce is the issue. It's really as we're talking about how you handle the divorce. Right. The issue.

 

Brad Perry:
Yeah. And I think that's again, as guys, we don't handle it well. I think we're more the bigger babies in it because we are the ones who get upset. And I sometimes feel like we use the children more than other than women do. And I don't know if that's right. That's true to say or not. I don't know the people that you talk with, but that's sometimes what I come across when I talk with female and male friends. The male guys use the kids, you know, as because they know that's going to hurt the mother, you.

 

Dr. Liz:
Know, and use them. In what way? Like maybe try to get more custody or.

 

Brad Perry:
You're trying to take them away for, you know, just because they know that's the part, you know, that part of the mother. They you know, they the mother is a mother, you know, And they know that, okay, you spend time thinking, I'm going to take them away from you or or not giving them money, the child support, you know, or the different little things, you know, I mean, the big the always big fight is the child support, why they got to pay child support, blah, blah, blah. It's like pay attention to what's going on. And that is it's their take care of your child. Even if you have them part time, you're still paying back and forth. But I think everyone looks at money. I think. Let me ask you, with you, I mean, both you and your your ex are successful. I mean, was that an issue when you guys were divorcing about the money and how you guys are going to do that?

 

Dr. Liz:
No, but we did a very just clean break with it. And I think maybe probably the hard part for him is he was a really big part of building my business. He helped me to found it and he helped me. And he's still I mean, he's still is a big part of it. But that's probably what comes up in conversation is just on both of our ends. The wanting to have that dream together, wanting to grow this business together. And and that's where it gets complicated because really, if we could choose anyone to be with it probably would be each other. When you look on paper, right, when you look on the characteristics of somebody and the morals and the values and all of those things, and that's where it gets complicated. And so the financial piece. No, but probably building that dream together was certainly a loss that's been grieved. Yeah. So. Yeah, Yeah. What do you. Think how do you think that your career impacted your relationship? So especially you're not in a very conventional career. No, I'm sure that would be influence it in a lot of ways.

 

Brad Perry:
So it was it was just popularity came so quick to me. So it's almost like, you know, there isn't a playbook about what can go on in my career and this business. It's an up and down situation. And so when I arrived on the scene here in Arizona, I became a rock star so quick and I had no guidance. I had no no playbook on it. And, you know, I mean, when you're being whisked around doing stuff and it's great, you you lose kind of your self. And that's what was going on. I was losing just my perspective of being home because I had to go please this person or that person, because they gave me this, they gave me that. And that was one thing that really played a big dynamics. And and I think that sometimes it does, and maybe not just in my job, but the school job is about pleasing someone who's giving you something and not actually to say thank you and prioritizing. And so but that was the whole thing was I wasn't prioritizing my, my ex. I was a little bit with the kids, but I should have had more with, you know what, let's be home more. Let's do this more.

 

Dr. Liz:

You regret that?

 

Brad Perry:
Yeah, I do. I mean, yes and no. I guess at times I'm like, Yeah, gosh, I should have been home more and did stuff in the Times. Like, well, it was a party. It was. It was a good time. And so and I got stories to tell. I.

 

Dr. Liz:
Is that why you came out to Arizona or because position in the new station? Yeah.

 

Brad Perry:
Yeah, it was the job. Yeah. So the job? I was in Chicago and I was doing television there, and this opened up here and so moved out and, you know, was out here and just everything happened so fast and so and I think maybe back in Chicago, we were having our our little marital problems. I think the pressure was on me of having to support the family. You know, and trying to be the breadwinner and everything. When I understood that there's two partners to do that and I guess really to set the house, to set up our house. And I think that's one thing I think I would go back and do would be really talk about our roles in this family. And I look at sometimes you look back and in the olden days, I guess we can say is where you had the house set up. Mom was there to raise the kids, feed them, have dinner on the tables. Dad was go to work and keep the roof over the house. And it worked. I think when you don't sit down and do that, I think you know, it definitely a part in ours that we just sat down. Okay, That's what we're going to do because I want I wanted to be that breadwinner. And I think sometimes that's what this guys do. Stop your career because I'm going to win all the bread. I'm going to do everything. But, you know, it's not going to make a. Lot of pressure. Yeah. And also, is that really making her happy? Maybe she does want to stay home once in a while, but I'll still maybe she wants get out now. Maybe it's you know, maybe she wants go out with the girls. Let her go. Have an out for girls, let her do that kind of stuff. But also, women have to go do it.

 

Dr. Liz:
Yes. Yeah. And that is I mean, yes, that's a lot of times what it comes down to is not giving permission or not stopping somebody. But that person really choosing to do it for themselves. And I think that a lot of times people I hear my clients say like, well, I feel bad if I go out with my girlfriends, I feel bad. And but you're right, it ends up being really the demise of a relationship when you're not taking time for yourselves and for self care. And and even I love what you're saying about identifying the roles. And that again, comes back to the communication piece of talking through what are these expectations that we have of each other and how are we meeting them? Or in or how do we need to pivot some of them because maybe some aren't realistic?

 

Brad Perry:
Yeah, and I think that's also true. I mean, all right, as I look around again, don't tell anybody, but guys, I think dream and first lies more about that perfect home, that yellow, that picket white picket fence, you know, the house, the car, the family. I think guys dream about that more than women. It's very interesting. But, you know, because women, all women just want one day. That's all they want one day. And that is why they want the wedding day. But guys want the whole thing. That's right. I'm going to have my white picket fence. I'm going to have this. I'm going to have a garage. I'm leaving, and that's going to be my family home. And women are like, Hey, I'm just trying to get the groceries. I'm tired. Can you just watch the kid? You know, that's it. But we're like, No, I want all this and I want my wife to look a certain way and la la la this. But I mean, again, you, you, you can't have it. And I think that's once you realize that you can't, but you can still have a great family home and do the things you're going to win.

 

Dr. Liz:
Yeah, it doesn't have to be perfect to still be wonderful. And I think that was yeah, the expectation expectations of self and others. Do you feel like your career prevents you from moving on to a relationship or what? What do you think some of those barriers are for you?

Brad Perry:
Present day I think my biggest part is probably disappointing somebody that's I think that's my disappointing because I do love my job. I think that's other part too. You know, it's where, gosh, it's like it's sometimes it's wrong to love your job. And I think that's also sets in the jealousy, too. With the partner. It's like you love going to work and I hate my job and everything, but that's not fair. You're supposed to hate yours, too. I think that's that's the biggest thing with that, with all the stuff. So you.

 

Dr. Liz:
Get worried. Do you feel like you disappoint your ex and so do you feel like you get worried you're going to do that?

 

Brad Perry:
yeah. Totally, totally disappointed her. Totally. I mean, she's a wonderful mother, wonderful woman. She, you know, put up with me and stuff. So that's that's good. But yeah, no, I feel like I'll disappoint. And that's but again, that's just me. I have to get over that and realize you know, that I have a lot to offer and it's, you know, it's there. So. Which is good. So did.

 

Dr. Liz:
You ever consider getting back with her or wanting to get back with her before she got. Remarried?

 

Brad Perry:
We did. We actually we had separated before we fully went through the divorce and then we came back together. I wanted to get back together. I, you know, want to be home and blah, blah. And so, you know, we we gave it another try and it just it just didn't work. And so and I think that's when we really looked and said, okay, let's let's get divorced before we became mad at each other. Yeah. What about you? Did you ever you ever get back with your ex and did you ever want to when you guys were.

 

Dr. Liz:
No. So I mean, we separated a couple of times throughout the 18 years, but they were very short. But no, when this final decision was made, it was it was very clear. And it's kind of what you're saying, like, let's do this before the resentments build. And I talked to a lot of my clients about that as well, that like if you're feeling that way, you don't have to wait for that bad thing to happen. You don't have to wait for the the straw that broke the camel's back to make a decision, because I think that that's why you and I have been able to maintain relationships with our exes is because we didn't wait for that devastating event. Like we had an open conversation that this is what's best for as long term.

 

Brad Perry:
Exactly. So let me ask you this and this is it. Let's just ask this right out. Since we just left here, are you ready? Already know. So who called who for booty calls. Did you call your ex at times or did he call you?

 

Dr. Liz:
Okay, so we didn't do that. I get out of here. No.

 

Brad Perry:
No, you can't.

 

Dr. Liz:

And you got joking. You know, I can. Tell you, Trust me, there is plenty of lonely times. I wish that that were the case. But yeah, we. We had sex one time after after, like, the whole thing. And that was very early on. And we both were. Well, that can never happen again. And that was. That was it.

 

Brad Perry:

Yeah. Wow. Okay. But then even after a glass of. Wine or anything like that and you're like, you know, gosh, you know, after a while we go, Wow, you look at that stud I met 18 years ago. Yeah, well.

 

Dr. Liz:
It wasn't even about that. It was like the I think because we do love each other so deeply that it just created confusion and it was like, we don't need to. We don't need across those boundaries, you know, like we want to have a relationship that isn't muddled with that. So at least that was my perspective. I don't know. I'll give you his number. You can ask him. In his perspective. But what about you? Were you the one who reached out to her?

 

Brad Perry:
You know, it's actually both at times. So it was it was very you know, there'll be times like, you know, when we first got divorced and stuff. Yeah. You know, the kids might be over friends or, you know, each of us didn't have kids for the weekend. We were in all sudden, you know, I get a call, I'm like, Hey, can you come over and let's talk? And, you know, I show up and she's in this hot outfit and I'm a guy, you know, I'm a guy. I'm a guy. And so and then, of course, it would be times I would roll by after having drinks with the guys and be like, So anyways, you know, I got this suit on. I shouldn't go away sitting.

 

Dr. Liz:
It just happened to be in your neighborhood.

 

Brad Perry:
Happened to be in the. Yeah, we're one street over. Sorry. The car stopped and sorry. I'm sorry. I had a little slip of memory where I was living.Out of my. House. And since I'm here.

 

Dr. Liz:
What's that hard for you, though? When she then got in a relationship, if that was kind of your dynamic.

 

Brad Perry:
Was it? Yes and no. I mean, when I started seeing people and stuff, too, was this is the hard part for me was her friends and her friends didn't understand and how we got along. So the part that really hurt me the most, I'll be honest, it hurt me the most was when she was moving and just not too far away over to another house, getting out of the house that we had. And I still had stuff there. You know, it was kind of like I had trinkets or books or maybe a jacket or something there at the house. And I came by and her friend said, Here, these it called me over it said, Here, these are yours, Get them out of our house. And I just was like, Wow. Like, I think that was a turning point going, okay, this is really over. Because she didn't come to me and say, Hey, here goes your items. Thought you like to have them. And so that just really was a turning point when I like, okay, this is really over. When she's not telling me this, she has one of her friends. But but then as we went back, she's like, I never told friend to do that. She just took it upon herself to do it because she was not understand her dynamics all. She knew that we were divorced. But the funny thing was that we were divorced for almost two years before people figured it out. So when they were moving, they thought that was our divorce. That was that was the funny part. Is that.

 

Dr. Liz:
Right? Because you had stayed so intact?

 

Brad Perry:
Yeah. I mean, we I mean, we'd be at volleyball games, we'd be at baseball games, we'd be at events, we'd be at church together. You know, we'd be doing things. We sat next to each other, we talked, we laugh. And it really was where the funny thing was, is that I was I had gone out on a date and someone source and then went back to her and goes, I can't believe Brad. I can't believe he's doing that to you. He's out with another guy, some kissing them, they were at the bar, blah, blah, blah. And she's like, We've been divorced for almost two years. And they were like, What? It's like, Yeah, we were divorced two years, and I knew that they were going there for dinner. I mean, he actually asked me if we wanted to go along and I was like, No, go enjoy yourself. And so I think that is that's where other people and that's like this. Yeah, I think that's all the part too. I want to say is that everybody's divorced and everybody's situation's different. But the main part that I say is that try not to listen to other people and accept the love you have for your ex. Don't let someone else tell you you're not supposed to love her, especially when you start dating someone you know. I mean, I think the other part is I let them know my first priority was my kids, you know, and as I said, if my ex is happy, my kids are happy. So that's the main thing was to me and not the person telling me, well, you shouldn't be making her happy. She can do her own stuff. You shouldn't be giving it that much money. Why, that's no, I think going this way people have to understand that. Yeah.

 

Dr. Liz:
So I want to ask you before we wrap up, the women that you've dated, have they had a hard time with you being friends with your ex?

 

Brad Perry:
Some of them have. Some have. Some. Some were kind of like, that's neat and everything, but you know, but a lot more like have they couldn't understand it. I mean.

 

Dr. Liz:
Yeah so it's a a deal breaker for.

 

Brad Perry:
Yeah. So I mean is that the same with you. With, with you guys and.

 

Dr. Liz:
No, not for me, because I don't want a relationship. So we don't, we don't run into that. And I see it like very I do try to date like I try but, but I say it very early on but probably say it kind of as my like buffer of like yeah, like this is my reality check.

 

Brad Perry:
What do you say you go listen you know this isn't going anywhere because. I.

 

Dr. Liz:
Mean my ex's late last night. Yeah. So. So you're okay with that? my gosh. Yes. I would imagine, though, I mean, I know that's what my ex runs into. Women seem to have a difficult time understanding. And I don't, you know, not putting it to one gender or the other, but that that has been our experience, that men have seemed to be more accepting of it and women not as much. Yeah. So anyways, this has been a fun conversation. Brad where can people find you where to see. You. On social?

 

Brad Perry:
They can follow me on social at the Brad Perry Show on all social media. And if you want to, you can catch me Monday through Friday. Over on the Arizona Daily Mix on HGTV seven or you can go to A.C. TV dot com and stream our show. So stream the morning show where I'm hosting.

 

Dr. Liz:
So yeah, you have a really fun morning show that you have a lot of different people on. You do a lot of different things on there. Very versatile.

 

Brad Perry:
Yes, very. It's the only live local show that features community here in Arizona in a positive way. We're not news, so we're a lifestyle show. And that's why I love that's why I love meeting people, you know, having you on. We like to have you back on, especially as we get ready for that famous month of Valentine's. So.

 

Dr. Liz:
yes. Come talk intimacy and relationships for sure. Yes. All right, Brad. Well, thank you for your vulnerability today. This was a lot of fun, right? We'll have to have a real lunch to process and download our. yeah.

 

Brad Perry:
we're going to talk.

 

Dr. Liz:

we're going to talk. Thanks, Brad. All right. Well, that conversation took a turn. Thanks, Brad, for always keeping me on my toes. Thank you all for hanging out with me today. Unrelatable relationships Unfiltered. Make sure to subscribe to our YouTube channel. Sign up for my newsletter and find me on Instagram. at Dr. Elizabeth Fedrick.