Relatable podcast
Episode 12: mind blowing sex with dr. jac sherman
On this episode of "Relatable: Relationships Unfiltered" Dr. Liz speaks with Licensed Psychologist and Intimacy and Relationship Coach, Dr. Jac Sherman, on ways to develop and enhance 'mind blowing intimacy' in a relationship. Dr. Liz and Dr. Jac explore the importance of eroticism and intimacy in a romantic relationship, as well as the role of mental, emotional, intellectual, and physical foreplay in increasing healthy connection. The two discuss various tools and ideas for couples to increase their intimacy ranging from the use of different types of foreplay, healthy masturbation, and even Dr. Jac's 'Sexfirmation' cards to prompt deeper connections. You won’t want to miss this relatable conversation all about ways to improve your sex and intimacy!
Transcript:
Dr. Jac Sherman:
The toy is not going to take your partner away. In fact, when I share with them at the research is, you know, women who report masturbating regularly actually report having much more satisfied sexual lives and more for frequency of sex. They're like, okay, so there's something to this to this masturbation thing that actually can benefit both of us.
Dr. Liz:
I think the key takeaway here is go masturbate, my friends, because that's why you have two doctors who are telling you to do this is relatable. Relationships, unfiltered. Hey, and welcome to Relatable Relationships unfiltered. Today, I'm chatting with Dr. Jacqueline Sherman, licensed psychologist and intimacy coach, all about the ins and outs of intimacy. And our pleasure is an inside job.
Dr. Liz:
Let's see what the doctor ordered. All right, Dr. Jac, let's talk about some mind blowing sex. That is how I found you on Social media. I love your account. I love your videos on there. So let's talk about it. I know that is mainly what you work with, with your clients is on intimacy. Yes, yes, yes. And I absolutely love what I do. And I think that sometimes when we think about what mind blowing sex looks like, the idea that comes to our brain is what we've been shown. So I like to get clear with my.
Dr. Jac Sherman:
Clients about, like, what that looks like for them and allowing it to be.
Dr. Liz:
Space for it to look.
Dr. Jac Sherman:
Different than what.
Dr. Liz:
It looks like in.
Dr. Jac Sherman:
The movies or even in porn.
Dr. Liz:
Yeah, absolutely. And I think that that when I'm working with my clients, it's one of the biggest things that comes up is that these expectations, these societal expectations that have been placed upon us of how it should look and how often we should crave it and the things that should turn us on. And that's really not the case. I mean, you say in one of your videos on your account that the the brain is the biggest sex organ, and yet we focus so much externally versus on the inside job of it. Yeah, I find I find that a lot of times people are wanting to.
Dr. Jac Sherman:
Engage in.
Dr. Liz:
Sex and they're not wanting to have any conversations about like what that looks like for them, like what their sex goals are like, what to what to do if things aren't necessarily.
Dr. Jac Sherman:
Aligned, which happens.
Dr. Liz:
Really often in.
Dr. Jac Sherman:
Relationships. I know that has definitely happened in my relationship.
Dr. Liz:
So I think that we miss the peace of focusing on how.
Dr. Jac Sherman:
Our brain is related to. Sex and the importance of conversation. Those conversations are not happening. I agree they're not. And I'm so glad that you're the one that said that, because I am saying that. And like every episode that you're not talking to each other about sex, but you're absolutely right that we don't. And it's like it doesn't matter the age, the gender. This sexual orientation, it's like none of those things matter. It's just a very common issue of it not being talked about. And as you're saying, then that makes it really hard for for partners to connect, whether they've been together a long time or they're newer sexual partners. That's really hard to create that the spark, the chemistry, the fulfillment when you don't know how they want to be touched, where they want to be touched or any of those things. Yeah. And you know, Liz, I would add, when you don't know where you want to be touched, because I think that that is what I see oftentimes with a lot of cisgender women that I work with, it will be like, I don't even necessarily know what I like. I don't. Know what turns me.
Dr. Liz:
On. I'm not sure how to communicate that. So it's also like this additional blockage of like I haven't explored enough to really know what I.
Dr. Jac Sherman:
Like.
Dr. Liz:
And it's hard for me. To even.Communicate that to a partner because I haven't stopped and slowed down long enough to figure that out for myself. What do you think that's about that women commonly don't know. Yeah, what they like or what does turn them on. Yeah. So I think at the root of it is something that you may be familiar with, which is social sexual script theory. And within sexual script theory, we.
Dr. Jac Sherman:
Have been fed.
Dr. Liz:
These scripts of what sex should look like. And so some examples of that is like sex is for male pleasure. Right. Women aren't necessarily supposed to have pleasure from sex. And so when we download scripts like that from a very young age, and this can come from our family members, can come from previous sexual partners, this can come from religion, this can come from media.But when we have scripts that actually hold us back from being sexually liberated, it can then become very difficult to unlearn some of those scripts that are not serving as well. So we then just become adults that are having sexual relations and we're unsatisfied and we're not necessarily sure what we want because we have this core belief that sex isn't.
Dr. Jac Sherman:
About our pleasure anyway.
Dr. Liz:
And it can be really hard to get on the other side of that and start to have those conversations. If you're not starting with the self reflection piece. Yeah. And I think that that I mean, it swings it to that other end of the spectrum sometimes that we see for women that there's almost this compensatory behavior or that they feel like they have to bend over or sexualize themselves or they have to identify as sex positive when it's like, why do we have to say we're sex positive to say that we like sex, too, you know, and nothing wrong with sex positive. But in my mind, it's just like, why do we have to say that in order to validate our sexual desires the same way as as, you know, speaking in terms of that from the cisgender standpoint of in the same way that a male is just allowed to have those preferences.
Dr. Jac Sherman:
Yeah, well.
Dr. Liz:
You know, purity culture, a lot of women feel like they have to lead with I am sex positive, so they're not called a whore and a slut and everything else under the sun, Right. And so I think it can be hard.
Dr. Jac Sherman:
To, like, show up.
Dr. Liz:
In your sexual freedom.
Dr. Jac Sherman:
And liberation.
Dr. Liz:
And if you are a woman, if you have been, you know, raised and brought up in a.
Dr. Jac Sherman:
Western.
Dr. Liz:
Culture where, you know, patriarchy is real and purity culture is real as well. And a lot of times women are told, you know, be a good girl. And that means that, you know, you're not sexual. And so that can be something that is really, really important to to work through yet. And the purity culture is truly such such an impediment in not only being able to actively pursue it or find out what you like about it, but even to enjoy it. And I know like when I work with my couples clients, that that comes up so frequently and it often comes back to that. Well, I was raised this way or I was to have this and there is an awareness around it, but then it's almost because of the blame, shame and guilt that comes along with it. I mean, feeling shame does not usually a turn on for most of us in that way. Now I get I get like more to that. But I would say, generally speaking, that in these type of situations, that's not going to be a turn on. Yeah, you know, I would agree with that. And I think that there's so many women that I end up working with and I end up coaching as an intimacy coach who are married and are now in these long.
Dr. Jac Sherman:
Term relationships.
Dr. Liz:
And have such a hard time communicating what it is that they want sexually. They're beating themselves up with with shame because they don't necessarily have a higher sexual libido when they compare themselves to their partner. And they're feeling so much guilt as a result of that. But at the core, when we really start to do some of this work where we're kind of exploring their relationship with sex.
Dr. Jac Sherman:
They're like, I never really.
Dr. Liz:
Thought that this was supposed to be pleasurable.
Dr. Jac Sherman:
Or satisfying for me anyway.
Dr. Liz:
And so many women are living a life where, you know, that type of sexual pleasure is something that really feels outside of their ability or their it's not attainable for them.
Dr. Jac Sherman:
And so I think that the shame.
Dr. Liz:
Piece that you're talking about is really, really important. I think a lot of women are holding that. I would say all.
Dr. Jac Sherman:
Shame as well as a lot of.
Dr. Liz:
Guilt. Yeah, Yeah. Where do you start with your clients on that? So And do you often work with couples, couples or the woman by yourself, or how do you usually navigate that? Yeah. So I have a unique, a unique hybrid approach. Typically, I work with individuals over eight sessions, and usually it's the woman who reaches.
Dr. Jac Sherman:
Out to. Me. They're having, you no difficulty navigating sex. And there's a lot of.
Dr. Liz:
Guilt that needs to be worked through first. So typically I'm waiting, meeting and I meet with a lot of heterosexual couples. And so typically I meet with the with the wife for several sessions, initially working on my set.
Dr. Jac Sherman:
Like I talked about.
Dr. Liz:
Those sexual scripts really trying to figure out and learn and understand more about her sexuality, what she likes, what she feels is pleasurable, pleasurable. And if there's any shame that's coming up. And then I usually bring the partner in for the remainder of the sessions. And that's where, you know, we get aligned when it comes to the current intimacy goals. And then they'll do different activities and practices to be able to work towards those goals together. So that is a really interesting approach that you have so that you're able to incorporate both of the partners in that process. But really starting by laying the foundation, it sounds like with the with your female client or with with the what with, you know, the first partner and then incorporating the other piece in so that you're figuring out what is the root cause of this. But then working towards connection. Is that kind of the theory behind how you do that?
Dr. Jac Sherman:
Yeah, I would, I would say yes. And I think that I think really a lot of times the root cause is society. But I think that helping a lot of, you know, my my clients recognize that they're not broken, that it's not their fault and that they are trying to navigate sex and sexuality the best that they can, given the tools that they've had, really helping them to get to a space of acceptable to be with that also oftentimes empowers them and liberates them to move to the next step, which is, okay, let's explore, let's have these conversations. You know, let's move towards mind blowing intimacy. You know, let me work on having more desire it, allowing myself to be in that space. And so I often, like I mentioned before, the brain's the biggest sex organ. It's really important to start there.
Dr. Liz:
Yeah. And I talk with my clients so often and I put on my social media. But one of the things I talk about the most is how really emotional intimacy is the foundation in the my experience with my clients, my experience with myself, you know, in my own intimacy world, is that when there when there is emotional connection and the emotional intimacy exists, it really influences the quality of that physical intimacy. Do you find that when you do the work with the couples together, is that like when the partners coming together? Do you work on that? Because I see that so often, and I hate to say it like it's so I don't want to stereotype. This is not the case for all men, but it is very common that the man is like, you know, get into bed and I'm just going to like, brush against your thigh and you should be good to go. And she's like, Hey, but what about how I worked all day? Or I did this all day? Or and so that emotional intimacy piece is so often neglected, but even when it's brought to the attention, sometimes it's so hard to be like, What does that even mean? How am I supposed to show up for her emotionally? How do you address that angle of things?
Dr. Jac Sherman:
Yeah, you know, emotional intimacy, that's the foundation. It truly is. And I a lot of the clients that I work with, they're tired. There's this mental load that they're carrying that their partner doesn't even know exists. And that's heavy And oftentimes like sex, just in terms of overall desire and excitement for it. It's not like it used to like things are not happening like they used to. So, for example, you know, someone may have come home to dinner and been really excited to have dessert and get have sex afterwards and be really flirtatious all day long in their early stages of their relationship. Right afterwards, maybe after a couple of kids, after you've been living with this partner for years, like it's not that that same dinner and dessert is not going to feel the same. And so couples often get stuck in the idea of wait, like we have to put the work into this. It's not going to happen like it did before. And so that's where that emotional intimacy becomes so important. A lot of times couples aren't slowing down to talk about like, how how can I support you more? You know, how can I make you feel more cared for? These are things that you can do for me to make me feel more loved and cared for. You know, how how can we spend quality time together? Because sitting on the couch watching a football game isn't necessarily quality talk for a lot of couples. Yeah, I want to say for everyone, but for some couples, they're like, Hey, that's it for me. That builds up my love thing. But for a lot of couples, it's like a little bit more than that. Like it's deep conversations and time that's allocated just to the two of you, where there's no TV, where there's no kids or there's no friends. A lot of times people will go on dates with other couples and that's nice as well. But really, are you protecting your to some time and how so? And so all of those things are going to build that emotional foundation that is going to increase the likelihood to want to be physically sexual. Right. And to cultivate that physical intimacy. And so trying to jump past that oftentimes is where a lot of couples get stuck.
Dr. Liz:
Yeah, I completely agree. I talk with my couples a lot about doing weekly check ins, is what I call it. So they set aside same day, same time, you know, that they just know that is protected time and they're checking in on how are you feeling about the relationship, what's going well, what could improve? How is your love language being met? How can I show up for it better? And really just knowing that that protected time is there each week. And so the resentments that tend to build up because we don't stop to have these conversations, especially in our fast paced culture, we don't stop to check in on these things. And so having that set aside time, I think really makes a big difference. Also, let's talk about foreplay. And I don't just lay in bed. I mean, like all day, all.
Dr. Jac Sherman:
All day, every day.
Dr. Liz:
And that is also where I see a lot of people miss the mark. And when I post about that again on social media, people are often like, yeah, I didn't even think about it from like foreplay. Starting from that first rubbing, rubbing your breast against his back as you walk by in the kitchen. You know, like it's, it's like starting from the very beginning of your day. What are suggestions you give around that?
Dr. Jac Sherman:
Yes. So I love that you bring this up because I feel like sometimes we miss this and we think it's like the first like the 3 minutes before you engage in some type of penetrative sex. And that's not it. I also like to tell people that foreplay starts at aftercare, right? So think about the last time you were intimate with your partner. What is the thing that you immediately did afterwards? Right. Where is that time to cuddle? Like, did you all maybe go take a shower together? Did you talk about what you enjoyed about that sexual experience? Like, what did that look like? You're starting foreplay at the minute, you and your last sexual encounter with your partner. So everything that you're doing is building up to the next time and you can really build sexual tension over time. This is what leads to mind blowing intimacy, right? That build up where there's like an explosion of like, wow, Like there's been so many deposits that this relationship has had for me that has built my sexual tension that now I'm experiencing this amazing pleasure. So it really is the little things, it is the compliments. It is again, talking about what has gone well with the physical intimacy that you are engaging in. It is spending time together. It is asking those emotional questions. It's taking time to slow down like our phones and technology. You know, I'm on social media a lot because of the work that I do, but often times have to remind myself to unplug and get really present. Especially I'm in a long distance relationship. My my husband is in the military and he has been for 18 years. So I have an interesting intimacy story. But, you know, when we do come together, like I have to remind myself like, no, I need to protect this time and try to be as present as possible. All of that is foreplay. And your partner knows when you're putting forth effort and it can make a difference. Right? A lot of people need that foreplay and that build up too, especially if they have more of a responsive libido when it comes to sex, meaning that there needs to be some type of build up. It just doesn't happen spontaneously for them that they think about sex, they may need more foreplay. And so figuring out for yourself and for your partner, what does that foreplay look like? Because that's another thing. It can oftentimes be very different in terms of what part each partner needs. So even getting clarity around like, okay, what are the things that really are important to you when it comes to leading up to sex and getting that from your partner as well?
Dr. Liz:
And thinking about every opportunity is leading up to sex. I mean, we can really stop thinking about it as, am I going to get laid tonight or not? Okay, I'm not. So that means I'm not going to rub her feet while we're on the couch.
Dr. Jac Sherman:
Exactly.
Dr. Liz:
Every opportunity it could be leading up to it. And so I think that's really great. I love how you're talking about like after that, after the last sexual encounter, like right away is that is you start the build up for the next. I love that. I've never thought about it from that perspective, but that is so true because so much tension can even be built up in that moment when you're lying there talking about how good it was or what you enjoyed or, you know, the new thing that you tried. And when I think about foreplay and I talk about it a lot in terms of that, there's multiple categories of it. There's obviously physical, but then also emotional, intellectual, spiritual, experiential. There's so many different types. And often the ones that I focus on are more physical, emotional and intellectual. When you think about it in terms of that, like what would be some suggestions that you would have even around it?
Dr. Liz:
Let's start with emotional. So what would be that you would consider emotional foreplay?
Dr. Jac Sherman:
Yeah, so emotional foreplay, I think is checking in with your partner and telling them maybe something that they did that made you feel seen. I think oftentimes we can our partner does things that we appreciate, but a lot of times we don't kind of slow down to even tell them. So there's actually something that I encourage my clients to do. It's called Catch Them Being Good. And so you actually are like playing this game in your mind where you are and being very intentional about catching your partner, doing things that make you feel seen, cared for or loved. And then at the end of each day you guys maybe spend 5 minutes if that just sharing with each other. These are three things that really made me feel love today, right? And then it gets fun because within a week's time you can't tell them the same thing twice. And so you're constantly looking for the evidence of like, how does this person add value to my life? How do they make me feel loved and how do they make me feel seen in important? And so that would be an example of emotional intimacy that doesn't take a whole lot of time. But wow, especially if someone's love language is words of affirmation. What a powerful way to infuse foreplay into the relationship.
Dr. Liz:
Yeah, to create that connection for sure that I've noticed that with my clients. I'd be interested in your perspective on that. I've noticed that a lot of men, a lot of cis men, and I shouldn't even say that I would. You say a lot of men that words of affirmation and physical touch are often their maybe like I would say, statistically speaking, that that's the highest. And I think that that is often myths that women often think that they're the only ones that need the emotional foreplay. But when you are complimenting or praising your man, when you're telling him what he's doing well, which are grateful for in the ways that he's really showing up for you, that is a turn on for him as well. Because when we think about it in terms of from an evolutionary perspective, men are protectors and providers. They want to know that they're showing up in the way that, you know, they were really evolutionarily designed to show up for us. And I think that that is so important as well as how on both sides for sure. But it's so important that we're not forgetting to also be celebrating our men in that way and that they are they need emotional affirmations. They need emotional connection just as much as we do.
Dr. Jac Sherman:
Yeah, you know, I had to learn this in my own relationship. My husband, his lovely, which is words of affirmation. And in the beginning of dating, I didn't really know like how to incorporate that because I just wasn't I wasn't used to complimenting a man. Like, I just it just didn't come natural to me. So it was something that I had to practice. But what I learned is that it even felt for him vulnerable to say like, Hey, you never really say, you know, you like the way I look or that I'm handsome. And like, that means a lot to me, right? It took a while for him to even say that to me. But when he did and when it clicked for me and when I was able to in a very genuine way, offer that to him much more, he felt so much more desired. Right. And so it becomes like, so important to have these conversations because it it leads to the importance of that emotional intimacy, but it also leads to our our partners feeling desired by us. And that's really important as well. When you think about intimacy in a whole.
Dr. Liz:
Yeah, yeah, I completely agree. What about in terms of intellectual foreplay? What would you put into that category?
Dr. Jac Sherman:
Yes. So can your partner teach you something? Right now we know that some individuals, you know, they are really attracted to individuals who are smart, but just in general, like us as humans, we get bored easily, right? So we are with a partner who is not stimulating our brain, who can't like, share with us, like, hey, this is something that I learned often. A lot of times we lose interest and so it becomes really important as individuals that we're growing and learning and that we're evolving and that we're becoming better versions of ourselves and that we're asking questions. So we're learning about the world. And when we share that information with our partner, what a benefit. Right now, I get to know more information because you know more information and you learn you learn something and it keeps us curious in our relationships as well, which curiosity and relationship satisfaction go hand in hand. So it becomes really important to share things that we've learned and that are important to us with our partner. And this also makes us more attractive, right? When when there's certain things that we may be interested in and we can share that information with our partner, that can also be a turn on for them.
Dr. Liz:
Yeah, that the Sabio sexual thing, at least for me, I think that's a real thing like that. It is that simulation I and I know like somebody being smart was always important to me. Like I knew that that was a turn on and I that I like to be intellectually challenged. I've been dating somebody recently who's really creative. That's been a whole different like not even realizing the intellect role stimulation that comes along with being in interactions with somebody who's creative. Because as you're saying, that the novelty piece of that is like there's always something new to talk about because that's how his brain is wired, is to constantly be looking for something new. And I know for a lot of women those are the conversations I have as well as that that intellectual stimulation of being able to talk about your views, your opinions, politics, religion, culture, to have somebody to be able to sit over dinner and have a conversation beyond just like, what did you do today? What do you have for lunch is definitely a game changer for connection.
Dr. Jac Sherman:
Yeah, absolutely. And it's the depth that's important, right? So even that question, you know, how was your day? What did you do today? I like to encourage people to do even just when that when they're being curious with their partner and they're trying to build intimacy, asks questions with intention. Right. So it's very different to say, how was your day versus tell me about the most challenging moment of your day or tell me tell me about a part of your day where you feel felt really, really happy and excited, right? And take you to a very different place because a lot of times people may not necessarily have the language to be able to share on a deeper level unless they're prompted in that way.
Dr. Liz:
Yeah, is such a good point. So important. So tell me a little bit about when you're working with women and you're helping them to really tap into their sexuality. And so whether it's that you're helping them to become more comfortable with it or maybe even challenging some of those negative beliefs that get in our way, what are some of the tools or approaches that you use for that?
Dr. Jac Sherman:
Yeah, so I have a three step practice that I use and I've actually incorporated that practice into sex formation cards, which are a card deck that I've created to help women to have better intimacy and to have better sexual confidence. But it starts with mindset. And so mindset and self-reflection is the most important piece. I feel like this is oftentimes the piece that's missing. A lot of the information that we're that we're giving is outside of ourselves. It's external information. And I think that self-reflection is really important. That helps you kind of work through some of the sexual scripts that may be in the way when it comes to you tapping into your sexual freedom and liberation. So that becomes really, really important. And then conversations, conversations are also important. So that's going to be step two of my practice, and those conversations are important for us to have with our partner when a lot of times we're not talking about sex, we're avoiding the topic, we're not comfortable with it. Sometimes even in our relationships with girlfriends, we're not discussing sex and engaging in those conversations. And so these conversation cards help individuals to build the skill set of talking about sex on the regular, and they're written in a way where you can take them to a girlfriend's trip or you can have an intimate night with your partner where you're just learning about each other and deepening your intimacy. And then step three is exploration. So there's self reflection, conversation, and exploration is that's a three step practice that I use in my coaching as well as in the car deck. And exploration is all about connecting to your body. You know, oftentimes we are so disconnected from our bodies. And so within the exploration portion of the deck, there's mindfulness practices. There's practices that help you feel more comfortable with your vulva and what it looks like. It's sitting within it, being with your body in the nude and, you know, erotic masturbation that is mindfully centered. And so it's really about slowing down, getting connected with your body. But the process is important because again, I feel like if we skip the first step of mindset or self reflection, we're missing a huge piece. And that conversation piece is also really, really important because conversation really equates to liberation in my worldview when it comes to sex and intimacy. So sex formation cars are a tool that in a resource that can help women to have a sexual self-care practice that works, that's practical and that is easy to follow and that is guided by an expert and a professional. So this is like a card that looks like and there's 60 cards here and they're wonderful, wonderful tool for women to be able to build their sexual confidence and have that intimacy.
Dr. Liz:
That is so cool. I just love that idea so much. Are you saying that there's cards then for each of those are like the reflection, the conversation and the exploration. There's like a deck or a set of cards for each of those.
Dr. Jac Sherman:
Yes. So there's one deck, but within that deck it's broken up into three practices. So the first practice is 25 journaling prompts that are only for self-reflection. So this is for the woman who wants to dive deep, who wants to explore her sexual quality, who wants to learn about some of the sexual scripts that she has and wants to get clarity around some of her thinking related to sex. And then there's 25 conversation cards that are focused on having that partner conversation or conversations with friends. If you're not in a relationship or have a partner. And then there's ten exploration cards to help you get connected to your body. And on the front of each card, there is an affirmation that helps you get connected to the present moment and helps you kind of change some of that negative thinking that may be connected to sex for you.
Dr. Liz:
Such a great idea, Dr. Jac, that it would be so beneficial for somebody who doesn't even know where to start and for them to be like, I know this is an issue, but I don't know what to do about it. And so the way you've broken it down makes it so helpful that they can just start this process in you using the term that sexual self-care. I want to break that down a little bit because I love the concept of that. How would you define somebody's sexual self care?
Dr. Jac Sherman:
Yeah, So I think that self-care is all about really slowing down and refueling and learning what it is that you need to keep going. And I think when it comes to sex, we don't do that enough. It's often times a part like sexual wellness in general is something that we don't explore. And so when it comes to sex, like can you slow down? Right? That's the self-reflection part. Can you slow down and really think about how you're thinking about sex? You know, can you take some time to do the things that you would need to do to feel desire within your body? Can you understand why it is that you deserve pleasure and why it's important to you and how to get it? What turns you on? Right. Can you verbally express these things to a partner? All of those things are going to be really important. And so when it comes to sexual self-care and this is actually the first sexual wellness card for women, so I'm super proud of that. But we a lot of times we have no clue. I know I didn't have a clue. I actually started this deck because I was struggling in my own marriage when it came to intimacy after experiencing a miscarriage. And I looked for resources and I was so.
Dr. Liz:
Disappointed with the industry.
Dr. Jac Sherman:
Everything was like, you know, take this degrading class or, you know, where this large array you're going to feel confident again. And I'm like, None of this shit is going to help me. I need to truly, like, dig deep within and figure out what it is that I want and communicate that and on a regular basis, like address my sexual self-care and my sexual wellness. And so that's, that's actually what made me start writing the deck and pivot into coaching. And it's been a wonderful, wonderful ride. I've helped so many women sense, but I really, really do think that when it comes to self-care, we're doing better, We're doing a lot better. But sex is often something that we're missing and we're not really thinking about. And I think that that is rooted in a lot of times for women specifically, they're not thinking that sex is for their pleasure.
Dr. Liz:
Yeah, no, when you just said that, that like even more just reaffirmed the idea that when you look for these things, that how can we connect better with our in the sense of heterosexual relationships our male partner and it's all about how can you please your man. So yes, by learning to please them. And it's like, but that's not the case because I could, you know, put on the best show. But if I'm not turned on during it, that doesn't make that's not helping the connection at all. And so as you're saying, for for people to I mean, men, women, whatever, non-binary, whatever, whoever is listening to this. But if you struggle with finding that connection or pleasure during sex to just even stop and do the reflection of spending some alone time thinking through scenarios that might turn you on, thinking of fantasy has been of playing with toys. Like, that's one of the things I recommend to a lot of my clients that they're struggling with. Connection during sexual intimacy is like, when is the last time you just had an afternoon alone or, you know, evening, whatever you did it, you went in your room, locked the door and pulled out certain toys, like just started to explore. What do you even like? That is the whole thing. Like if the focus is always on pleasing your partner, you're never going to know how you feel. Pleased?
Dr. Jac Sherman:
Yeah, absolutely. And that is a lot of times often the focus and we can lose touch with ourselves. We can lose touch with what it is that we want. How it is that we want to be satisfied. And like you said, that exploration piece is so important. That's oftentimes one of the things that I encourage with clients often is masturbation. Masturbation masturbation is important for self-exploration because a lot of times know there's that mental block there that, well, if I need this, this might make my partner mad. And it's not about needing. It's about, hey, we I get I get to explore my body in this way and all of our pleasure doesn't have to come from our partner. And I think that that's another reframe as well.
Dr. Liz:
Yeah. How do you handle that? Do you ever have clients who maybe their partner doesn't like it when they masturbate, doesn't like it when they do those things without them present? And if so, how are you going to navigate that with them?
Dr. Jac Sherman:
Yeah, well, the first thing that I ask them is have you ever masturbated when your partner wasn't present?
Dr. Liz:
That's why I usually start out like, Well, I'll go see. I don't like. Okay.
Dr. Jac Sherman:
So let's just let's just normalize that people do this and that. It's not gender specific and that there can be a lot of benefit. Like I, I usually coach individuals with having them to really understand society, how society has inhibited women from exploring their bodies and understanding their bodies in ways that are helpful to their sexuality. And oftentimes the couples that come in, their partner will understand this aspect and stop feeling jealous of the toy and or the like. The toy is not going to take your partner away. And that's what I share with them, that the research is, you know, women who report masturbating regularly actually report having much more satisfied sexual lives and more more frequency of sex. They're like, okay, So there's something to this to this masturbation thing that actually can benefit both of us. But that doesn't happen that often. You know, sometimes there's someone who comes in and really has resistance to toys, but oftentimes people are open minded. I think that what happens is a lot of times people have been fed messages about what it means about them if their partner is using a toy. And so when we can kind of when we can undo some of that and really get clear about like this is just about exploration and pleasure, oftentimes it becomes a very different conversation.
Dr. Liz:
Yeah, I completely agree because I hear that quite a bit. The insecurities that come along with that like, but I want to be the one to help you reach orgasm or whatever the case versus the toy, you know, and that being creating an insecurity, which I can certainly validate because there is something to be said about that happening. But also with that happening, then let's just help you both reach climax. Let's help you both walk in, even if that doesn't even have to be the end goal of this time together. But wherever you both can feel most pleasure, you can feel you can enjoy the time the most together. Again, the toy is not taking your partner. People like you're hearing that here. That's not what's going on. You are there with them while you're using it. So I think that that's such an important point. And I think the key takeaway here is go masturbate, my friends, because that's going to have two doctors here telling you to do so. Doctor's orders when you read your prescription for that, what's your job Where can people find your the cards that you have and just the different content that you have? Where can you be found?
Dr. Jac Sherman:
Yeah, so this has been super fun. Liz, thank you so much for having me. So if anyone is listening to this and you're like, Wow, I think that I would actually really benefit from taking that sexual self-care journey. You can, you can keep up with me and you can follow me. I'm most active on Instagram at Dr. Jac that C, RJ, c, d You can also visit me on my website. If you're someone to listen to the conversation, you may even be interested in coaching. You can find me on my website, which is Dr. Jacko. That's the RJ ACO. And if you are interested in the cards, there's actually a 15% off discount. If you use the code. Dr. Liz you'll get 15% off sex affirmation cards and they can be found at Dr. Jack, that co slash shop. So if you just go to my wait main website, you go to the shop page, you can get the cards and please enjoy 15% off.
Dr. Liz:
Very cool. I appreciate you doing that. Thank you so much, Dr. Jack, for being here. This conversation has been enlightening. I've learned a lot. I think we've given very good homework for people to take away from this. So I really appreciate you. You are brilliant, you are relatable. You are just so easily easy to connect with. So I appreciate you.
Dr. Jac Sherman:
Thank you so much, Liz.
Dr. Liz:
Thanks, Dr. Jac. It was my pleasure getting intimate with you today. Looking forward to following up on those tips. Thank you all for hanging out with me on relatable relationships unfiltered. Make sure to subscribe to our YouTube channel. Sign up for my newsletter and find me on Instagram at Dr. Elizabeth Fedrick.