Relatable podcast 

Dr. Liz:
When I saw this in your posts. People are really mean.

 

Kelly Chase:
You know, when the show first came out and I mean, everyone was like Gene Kelly, Gene Kenny. And then I said no at the altar. And everyone was like, You're going to die alone. You're like, You're going to be alone forever. And they would send me, you know, just hateful messages. And the comments were like, well, like, Kenny's better off. Like he dodged a bullet with you. Like, don't know. He actually broke my heart.

 

Dr. Liz:
Right. And obviously, you're not going to say that, which is even more proof that, like, you are such a good person that you're not going to get involved in that. This is relatable relationships, unfiltered. Hey, welcome to Relatable Relationships unfiltered. Today, I'm hanging out with TV personality and entrepreneur Kelly Chase. We're chatting about how her time on Love Is Blind prompted her healing journey and where it's taken her since then. So you made a post yesterday, or at least I saw it yesterday. I think it was yesterday that you have put it out about how love is blind. It was really like the catalyst for your healing. And I know that there has been and as a self, do you identify as a self-love coach or how do you identify with the self-love piece?

 

Kelly Chase:
Yeah, I would say that self-love, coach, expert or whatever.

 

Dr. Liz:
Yeah, so I'm not afraid of titles. We need we need a title. You something. Yeah, I love that, though I think goes in hand in hand where you write like your your healing journey and then how that ties into the self-love. Tell me about that.

 

Kelly Chase:
Yeah, so it was actually like a year before we fell in love as lions. We fell in love with Lion in around like October of 2018. About a year prior to was when I decided to, like, leave my first like 9 to 5 space and kind of just pursue health coaching. I was doing more. So just like nutrition and fitness coaching at the time. And I was like, I would really want to like lean into this. I'm just I was receiving, you know, from clients like, you're like changing my life. And I was like, Man, I've been working in corporate America for ten years and I've never heard anyone tell me that. So I decided to leave. And around the summertime of 2017, and I had connected with someone like on Instagram, like a guy who I was like, Whoa, He's like, so cute. So of course, you know, any time you meet someone who's like, so acute, you want to know all the things about them. So it was just interesting because he was just very fascinating in the sense like we actually had gone through. I n he I think he had graduated like a year before I did. We just had a lot of similarities in the way that we ate and just our health regimen. And anyways, but he was showing that he was like reading personal development books and like meditating and journaling and things like that. I'm like, there's no guy that I know that does that stuff. So I just leaned in and I think he was like one of the first people to, like, recommend some self-help books to me and, you know, get me in the journaling and everything. And so I did. In the beginning of 2018, I read The Miracle Morning by A-Rod and that I still practice to this day the life saver technique or concept, I guess, that he describes in his book. So that was kind of like the kickstart to my journey. And I decided to do everything different. Meaning, like I said, I left the corporate to pursue entrepreneurship. So I was coaching. I was also like, I used to be party animal, like social butterfly here in Atlanta. And I was not anymore. Like on a Friday night I was reading a book or watching TV because I also did not do that for a very long time. And my parents would call, Hey, what are you doing? You're going out with your friends tonight. And I'm like, Now I'm like reading a book or I'm sitting on my couch and they're like, Are you okay?

Dr. Liz:
I'm like, I don't know.

 

Kelly Chase:
They were they were concerned for me. And I was like, Nah, I just like, I don't want to do that anymore. I don't want to go out drinking any more. I mean, yeah, it was fun, but like, it's not getting me closer to my goals. Like, you know, I want to get married one day. And at this point, you know, I was already over 30 years old, so I was 32, I think, at the time. And I was like, I think you have to change. Like nothing changes if nothing changes. So I decided to make just a lot of very like 350. You're 180 however you want to say it decisions in my life. And so it did and it was beautiful. I start listening to podcasts and reading all the personal development books and just really choosing me during 2018. And they're like, it was almost to that point to like even in like, although I felt like really alone because, you know, I had my friends that were still going out, working on, still going out. And then I had my friends who were already settled down and having getting married and having children and that type of thing. And I felt like I was like in the in-between, like I didn't want to do that anymore, but I wasn't here yet. So I felt really alone. But although I felt lonely at times, I still didn't want to just, like, reach out to anyone to go do anything with me. Like.

 

Dr. Liz:
Yeah.

 

Kelly Chase:
I would go on walks and I would go by myself because I'm like, Well, I would like someone to be with me, but I don't just want it to be anybody.

 

Dr. Liz:
I want to do it next. But I'm being kind of like your niche. Should you find your pocket of people that are similar that share that lifestyle? Yeah.

 

Kelly Chase:
Yes, I was starting to find that here in Atlanta. But also honestly, like through one of the podcasts that I listened to, the woman had a Facebook group and therefore it was it was a lot of like women entrepreneurs and the like the health coaching space and life coaching space. So I connected with a handful of them then, and one of the girls actually resonate in a lot with my story, meaning we have very similar journeys. And to it she was actually the mindset coach that I hired after filming. It was like, okay, yeah, cool. Yeah. But yeah, I'm still really good friends with a lot of those girls to this day. I mean, if I go like they weren't local to Atlanta, they were all in different states. So it was like I was, I was making all these virtual friendships, but I was like leaning into it because I'm like, Wow, they're doing things that I want to be doing or things like, we're all growing together. And it was just very uplifting and like, I didn't mind having a mastermind call on a Friday night instead of go bar. You know.

 

Dr. Liz:
What? What do you think it was about? Love is Blind. That prompted that healing like, what was that experience like for you that it was kind of you got done in kind of like, shit, I let me check in on some of this stuff, you know, What were some of those key moments for you that really shifted it for you? Yeah.

 

Kelly Chase:
So when we when we got done filming Love is Blind. I know it's not necessarily total public knowledge, but Kenny and I have had conversations about dating after filming, and we did not. And that was his decision. It was not mine. And it was like the last day of filming. He was just like, I just I'm I'm not emotionally available for one. I think that we just need to both get back to our life again and like, get back on routine. And I look in hindsight and I even said the same, like later on. But I was like, you know, at the time it just felt like I was totally rejected. Like I just shared my life with you. Like not just what we talked about on screen, off camera. We had very vulnerable moments. And so it just like, you know, I met someone so in such an intense environment and shared so many vulnerabilities within such a short time period. And then it was just gone and it was over and I felt rejected. I felt loss. I just felt really disconnected. I felt like maybe all this work that I had done on myself over the last year, I didn't know where it went. Like, I was like, my gosh, You know, like, I feel like even more broken than ever before. And so in my mind, I was like, okay, well, you know what? I haven't been really working in my business for the last seven weeks while we were filming. So I just seem to like, go all in on my business and like, forget about this. And because that's what we do, we avoid things, avoid healing them. Right? Right. So and this girl who I just mentioned, her name is Erin, she was she had gone from like health coaching herself into like the business, the mindset coaching space. And so I was like, okay, I'm going to like, start again. She just resonated with me in so many different ways. And so I decided to hire her as my business and mindset coach. And during the four months of us working together, I mean, within the first session it was already like, what just happened? Like she did so much on my mind and like, you know, shadow work and inner child healing and all of the stuff and parenting. It was just like, I don't even know what you just did, but you're the therapist. I never had that. I probably needed this whole 12 years of my life.

 

Dr. Liz:
Right?

 

Kelly Chase:
So, you know, we discovered probably within those first few weeks, though, because I had told her about the show and stuff and she was like, you know, do you feel like you are in love with him? Like, is that why you're so distraught, basically? And I was like, No, like, I'm not I'm not in love with him. I was that obviously, because otherwise I probably would have said, yes. They so, you know, I said, but what we what we I guess came up with was the fact that it was more so the pain of rejection that I was dealing with and I was like, wow. And so of course, that unraveled so much into like my deep rooted story of the fact I was rejected at the age of four. Like, that's my first memory where I felt unloved or unwanted, you know, that kind of thing. So I was like, wow. So that has been like my story throughout is like I just always being rejected. You know? I think I've only, you know, broken up with two guys in my life like everything else is, whether whether it was a committed relationship or a situation trip of some sort like I have been the one that has been let go.

Dr. Liz:
Rejected. Yeah.

 

Kelly Chase:
So, yeah, it's been a long story for me. So yeah, it was like a lot of that just came up and, you know, and then we started obviously healing a lot of other things within my life. But it was just so fascinating and I was like, my God, Like, I didn't realize like, this is why or, or overlooking red flags. Like, I mean, I do, I do remember towards the end, maybe the last week and a half or two weeks of our journey, filming the show, there was like one time like, I mean, can you now were saying like, I love you to each other, you know? And when we were able to after we were filming in the parts and after we got back from Mexico, we lived in an apartment together. But we were going about our our days. And so he would go to work and stuff and he would call me on his way home, be like, okay, I love you. I'll see you soon, you know? But there was a time he did not say, I love you. And that was my first. Like, my gut went like, that was weird, but I didn't question it. I just kept. Going. And that's another thing that I did.

 

Dr. Liz:
Do with unprocessed trauma, right? That is because it is so much part of your programing. It's so much your norm that those feelings of rejection, whether they're over at someone leaving you or the remote work cover of not saying I love you. I mean, if that's part of the theme, it's something you get used to and something you expect. And so that it I mean, it makes it that much easier to overlook those red flags when it's just part of your story, part of your programing. And that I was curious about that. So like during prior to this, with with that real rejection taking place, did you notice any of those triggers coming up, like even in the pods or like your interactions with people, especially because it is like so fast pace and so like so quick to react right or so did you notice any of those trauma wounds surfacing during that time?

 

Kelly Chase:
At the Not when I was not when we were. I want to say like, not when Kenny and I were actually being filmed. Not not necessarily. It was more like when I was having one on conversations with the producers. So like when you were watching the show and it was just like me talking. Yeah. So those like, I mean, I had like I cried every single time because they were digging deep into your past and they would bring up so much stuff. And again, it felt like a therapy session then too. But it was basically they were just re exposing you to all of your emotions and your past comment. And then they didn't really do anything with it. Now we're just like, and that was something else too. I'm like, you know, I, I don't understand and I haven't ever had this conversation with them, like why we weren't given, you know, mental health resources during that time, because they literally pulled all this shit up and then they were like, okay, go B while on set while we film. Like.

 

Dr. Liz:
Well, with all of that activated trauma and I know and I thought the same thing because that's exactly what I thought when you said it was like a therapy session. And my first thought was like, except for the healing and the therapy, right? So our vulnerability is we're willing to expose them. That was my first actual experience with therapy, actually was I was in my early twenties. I'd been married for multiple years. I got married when I was 18, and so we inevitably ran into some issues. You know, within the first few years of that. And my first therapist that we were, we worked with her together, but then we saw her some individually, and that was a big part of it, is she kept like digging this stuff up and like really pointing out how fucked up my childhood was, like, repeatedly. But then, like, okay, see you next week. And I'm like, bitch, Like, we're doing all this, like, making my life so much worse. So by like, you're talking about that experience, like, I can completely relate to that and the pain of that because then you're just sitting in that and you're like, Okay, thank you for reminding me of these horrible experiences. But now what? And I said, What about love is blind and maybe I need to like send an email over their direction because I'm like, Hey, I'm happy to help. In. The health perspective because it's not.

 

Kelly Chase:
Yeah, it is. It is absolutely needed. I mean, we and I mean, granted, maybe they did for season two and season three. I don't think so. But I don't not.

 

Dr. Liz:
I'm friends with Nick Thompson from season two and that we've had similar conversations then Yeah they were They're not. And you done a lot of his healing after as well. So did you feel like that then if you got like activated during those interviews, did that then influence how you interacted with like either either the women or the men or.

 

Kelly Chase:
No, I would say the only really the only thing that I felt that I'm very aware of now is like how like I felt confident, but I really wasn't like I was very like around the women. I was still very like, I mean, I am I'm an extrovert, but I'm an introvert too. Like, I'm very observant of everyone and like, you know, in situations where I don't know, people like I'm probably more of a wallflower for a little while until like, I get a little bit more comfortable. So but I felt like I was that like I felt like I was just observing people. I was a lot more quiet than I normally am if I was, you know, in a different setting, I don't know. But right. So I just felt like maybe my true personality wasn't really being revealed because I was like playing small or holding back or whatever. Maybe more so around the women, around the men. I felt like we were having these very deep, very vulnerable conversations. I mean, I, I cried, but some of the guys did too, during our like pod dates, like in our and, you know, so it I felt confident and like that I could expose myself and be very vulnerable. I mean that was something over you know, prior to filming over that last year that I was working on was really tapping into my vulnerability and becoming stronger and knowing that vulnerability is such a strength and not how you really can communicate and connect with people. And so I already had done like some work around, like, you know, like who my like what my dream partner. You know, how we want that person to feel to me. And being emotionally connected and vulnerable is one of those traits. And so I was looking for that. So when I was in the pods in those first couple of days of dating anyone, that was not giving me vulnerability. I was like, No surface on it. I don't want to do service level. So my, my greatest three connections were based seriously on all vulnerable conversations that we had.

 

Dr. Liz:
Well, in in that type of setting, I mean, what other option do you have? Right. It has to be like the communication skills. What what they're saying, how they're saying it. Were you doing therapy leading up to this point?

 

Kelly Chase:
No. So I had gone to one therapist, one therapy session back when I was like 22, 23. I had a guest experience like a sexual assault in college. And, you know, it was not a good situation at all. And anyway, so I went to one therapy session and yes, this may have been my perception of things, but I felt that the therapist was quite condescending. Like and like, I just remember her saying, like, and you kept going back. And I was like, Yeah, I did. Like, what are you, my mom? Because that's the question my mom's been asking me.

 

Dr. Liz:
You know, like, so hurtful. It was.

 

Kelly Chase:
Very hurtful. And I remember my mom picking me up from the therapy session and she'd be like, Did you book another did you book your next appointment? I was like, No, I'm fine. So I never went to therapy. I never did anything. And, you know, as I said, you know, when I was talking about like going into the mind psychology, it's like we avoid feel like we avoid healing. So that's what I did for 12 years was avoid anything. I was a chronic hustler. I worked multiple jobs, you know, So not just worked a 9 to 5. I had multiple jobs on top of that, constantly binge drinking my face off on the weekends. So discount acting and liquor, disconnecting in a job every single day of the week. And then there was a time in like 20 1415 I got obsessive with like dieting and exercise. So I was like diving into that and it's like I was constantly doing and grinding and hustling and working and avoiding like being present. Like, like I said, I mean, I use TV now for self-care because I never sat on my couch to watch TV. I was constantly doing something or working on some type of something I needed to get done for a work project.

 

Dr. Liz:
And did that shift then when you started with Erin, that's when the those changes happened. But like, what was the some of those initial even discoveries or, you know, tools that allowed you to shift out of the avoidance?

 

Kelly Chase:
Yeah, Yes, it was a lot of Erin. I mean, obviously, like I said, a year prior to I did leave the corporate space and like lean into, you know, just working full time as an entrepreneur. And that was fine. That was great. But I didn't know that lesson. I just knew I had more free time now to do things, because now, even although I've learned, okay, let's be in more of the being, less of the doing sometimes and, you know, we don't have to succumb to the stories of this burnout culture and burnout society. It's like, okay, do what feels good. Do you know, like you we have to work hard and we do have to like, put effort into things oftentimes. But like that stuff was just brought on by Erin. I mean, she taught me a lot about the masculine and feminine energy, which that was a foreign concept to me. So I was like, okay, I get it. I understand. Like and granted, over these last four years, since that, I've just been in this phase of like, I'm aware when I'm getting myself into that burnout again, like, and I'm, I'm aware when I am sitting on my couch and I'm like, I should be doing something right now because, you know, that's what we do. I should be doing something. I'm supposed to be doing something. I should be doing it this way. I should be. And it's like, hold on. Like, no, you should be just sitting on your couch right now and just being present because your body is telling you this is what you mean. Now it's just it's just been a lot. I mean, I've worked with a handful of coaches since working with Erin in 2008 or the end of the 2018, and I've just continued to do a lot of work myself. I mean, I practice that light saber thing every morning, so I pour into my own cup every single morning. So at least I know, hey, at least I spent 10 minutes or 30 minutes or an hour on myself and now I can bring everybody else. You know. But in the evenings, I'm, you know, trying to find that work life balance again. I just started it actually. I stepped back into the career space. But it's I say back into and I always like I hate when I say that because I'm like, that's not right. Like, I'm investing in my future currently.

 

Dr. Liz:
What did you in your transition?

 

Kelly Chase:
Yeah, so I took on a role as an outside sales rep going around and different law firms and requesting that they send their workers comp, personal injury and motor vehicle accident clients to us over to our company, our company is a like treatment and surgery center for those clients.

 

Dr. Liz:
Got it. Okay. And what led to that decision and is that feeling in alignment with the work that you've been doing in a way, yeah.

 

Kelly Chase:
So, I mean, I will say, you know, as I mentioned in that rail was like I was like, really love is blind. Kind of screwed it up a little bit because I have been in this like coaching space for so long and my I got very I'll just be so transparent here. But since the show rolled out, I have been battling my identity as far as like, am I a coach? Am I this like public figure or my this like newfound influencer? Like people don't want to, like, not see. People don't want what I have to offer. They do. It's just I have been battling this like, inconsistent entrepreneur life like I'm like I'll promote some of my like a course of mine or I'll promote 1 to 1 coaching with me and it just feels like I'm pulling teeth from people. And then I will post, you know, maybe I do some type of like influencer collaboration with a brand and I'm like, and it gets seven clicks, whereas I'm like, Wow, 4000 of you watch my story, and only seven of you thought that that brand was, I don't know. So I've like, there's just been this very big disconnect on my social media. I don't feel like my engagements, not where I would like it to be. And I know we shouldn't focus on that. But as an influencer, you kind of have to.

 

Dr. Liz:
Of course, numbers matter.

 

Kelly Chase:
Yeah, numbers matter in that regard. So it was just very everything has just been very inconsistent. Obviously, it's create a lot of mental chaos. And when there's mental chaos, when there's chaos inside there, I mean, on the outside. So my bank account was dwindling and I was like, I can't do this. Like my nervous system. I've done a lot of work. I just completed an entire program on nervous system, like, you know, parts integration and parts repair and all this stuff. And I'm like, I can't do this. Like, my nervous system is freaking out and like, I have there's some family issues that I'm dealing with and it's created a lot of stress. And I'm like, I need something my life to be very consistent and stable right now. So I need my bank account to be stable, that that's what I need.

 

Dr. Liz:
So that's so valid. And that is, that is a form of self-care because your safety and security. So is it exactly what you want to be doing? Well, potentially not in this season, but it's serving or maybe not long term, but in this. Right, it's serving a purpose and that is self-care, you know, for you to check in on. Okay, I am feeling disregulated what is within my circle of control to fix that. And it's like it's like, what do you prefer the problem or the solution? Okay, so in your situation that that is your solution. I was curious about that in terms of your social media because so we connected. I don't I'm not sure if you you posted me in your story.

 

Kelly Chase:
Yeah.

 

Dr. Liz:
I started following you after that. And then I was when I saw some of your posts. People are really mean. Like, you know, one of the first posts you were a social you were in, like, your wedding dress and stuff like that. It was like a real or something. I was like, my God, that's the cutest thing. And I started scrolling down. I was like, Holy shit, these people are really mean that like, and I feel like I know for all genders everyone experiences it, but it just feels like an especially probably because my relationship with Nick and I know he's talked about that he gets horrible DMS as well and he gets a lot of mean stuff also. But the stuff that was being said, I'm yours, I haven't seen it said on his. And I would argue that it's probably a gender difference, right? How is that impact. So all the work that you do on self-love and rejection and all of that, what's that like for you? Yeah. Now.

 

Kelly Chase:
Well, let's sort of say now I would say that it kind of just I don't pay too much attention to it just because I feel like I'm like, okay, guys, we're over it. Like, you know, me posting a thing in my wedding dress. I was just being funny and I was on Twitter. Yeah. And Reddit, like, yes, like it was. I'm going to always support Love is Blind. I mean, I'm going to always support the case of Love is blind, let's put it that way, you know. So I will probably watch the, you know, future seasons to support them because they know what they're going to go through, you know? But, you know, yes, people will say like, you're just trying to stay relevant and like like all you do is talk about love is blind stuff. And I'm like, have you not been following me? Like, because obviously I haven't because you know that. No, know, that's not what I like talk about I referenced love is Blind a lot because again, it was a huge part of my story in my mind. So, yeah, I'm going to talk about it. But you know, people are saying things now, too. I mean, catch me on a bad day. It's like then at first it does bother me sometimes. And I do want to like, say something back to these people and, you know, not rude. And I've never been rude to anyone. But, you know, when the show first came out and I mean, everyone was like Gene Kelly and Kenny, and then I said no at the altar. And everyone was like, You're going to die alone. You're like, You're going to be alone forever, Like, And they would send me, you know, just hateful messages. And the comments were like, well, like, Kenny's better off. Like he dodged a bullet with you. Like, I'm like, Fuck you. Like, you don't even know me. Like, I'm a really freaking good person. Yeah, it was very hard. I tried not to, especially like when the show was coming out. Like, I was trying not to look at my comments. Of course you catch the negative ones, but there was a lot of positive that came from it too. But I feel like my friends just kind of went to bat for me and my in my comment section a lot. To this day. It's like there's one or two that like if they catch if they see it themselves, they will.

 

Dr. Liz:
I'll see.

 

Kelly Chase:
You. Like they commented on our post and I'm like, What are they top? Then they're just like, you know, arguing with the person. I'm like, I'll just it's I mean, don't waste your energy, like, right on it. But yeah, I mean, it, it doesn't matter how strong you are and how much mindset work you've done, you see something like that, it does bother you. I mean, it hurts. Yeah, it's like and you do want to stand up for yourself and you do want to back yourself up. And if the real reason why things didn't work out or whatever and you don't know, you have.

 

Dr. Liz:
To, you broke my heart, right? And obviously you're not going to say that, which is even more proof that, like, you are such a good person that you're not going to get involved in that. And obviously, you know, these people just have way too much time on their hands. And next, we could go down the whole list of why they're doing that. But I just that really got me thinking, like, especially as a self-love expert, that that is going to ding up against your self love that is never going to impact it. And so and you know, obviously we go down all the cliches of it should come from within and all of that. Sure. But at the end of the day, we're human and we are designed to crave acceptance. And so that, yeah, I would imagine that that would get painful.

 

Kelly Chase:
Yeah, Yeah. It got really painful. And even, you know, like people knowing that I've been doing coaching till, you know, I had, I launched a course on love dating or relationship stuff because I'm like, I have learned so much from my, you know, my from my coaches, my mentors and it wasn't a it was not like dating a relationship. Like, hey, let me show you how to improve your relationship with others. It is a course to help you improve your self so that you change the energy and you change your body. You learn to change the behaviors that have been attracting that same experiences over and over again, because that's what I have learned to do and for the most part anyways. And but you know, I would post something in that too. It's like people are like, like multiple things of, you're just trying to get money from people or, or how can you give relationship advice when you're not even in a relationship like you said, no at the altar, like you're fucked up in the head and I'm like, my God, like they're going to attack you for something like 30 times more. So it's just.

 

Dr. Liz:
Like and the reason behind that I created a real the other day because I am a single relationship expert and people sometimes are I don't really get a whole lot of a whole lot of pushback. We're just like teasing from, you know, friends or people like, I haven't gotten anything, but I acknowledge it. But my big thing with that, and I'm sure you can relate to this, is that I'm doing the work to do a lot of the healing on myself and I can help people to do the same. And I know how to help people have healthy relationships. That has no bearing on if that's where I'm at in my life, if that is even what I want, which, by the way, it's not like you know that it's my choice to be single and to continue to help people to improve in their relationships. I just so happen to have a passion for relationships, but I don't necessarily want to be in one. And so I can totally relate with that, though, as you know, the single relationship expert, that is certainly something that comes up in conversation.

 

Kelly Chase:
Yeah, yeah, yeah. But it's, you know, again, like I said, like oftentimes comments don't bother me sometimes they do. Like I created a real on Tik Tok one day and I don't know I think to of the five comments or something like you know again it being like you're just trying to stay relevant or something. And I it bothered me that much. I literally like deleted the entire video because I was like, I don't like fuck off like, yeah.

 

Dr. Liz:
I'm here today, right? When our relationship status currently, What is your dating life like? Are you seeking that or what does that look like?

 

Kelly Chase:
I am seeking it. I, you know, so I'm single. I have I want to say I was in a situation friendship over the last couple of years and I've tried dating tried to be out of it, you know, didn't talk to this person for quite a while. I mean, we went almost nine months without talking once, tried to date in-between or actually, I would say the first six months of that, I was trying to heal myself actually from it. But, you know, because I do recognize that I take time. I'm not the person that's just going to, like, jump into another relationship and not heal and learn the lesson from the previous one. That's what I've learned in these last four years. Not to do that. I never did that really before, but I was just so unaware of what I was doing, you know? But yeah, so I think that that is a part of me though, that I know that there's a little bit of lesson to be learned and some healing and growth and that I have not really because I have not completely cut the ties with that person and it's been like, Why? Why can't you? Kelly Like, what are you holding on to? What are your what are you afraid of? Like, you know that there's better there can be better out there. Like what? What am I what story am I holding on to? But, you know, I'm learning to just be more about like the one with the power in the relationship. I'm trying to get there, let's put it that way, because. Well, you do, and I want to. I mean, what I learned it was funny because I a term that I learned in health coaching school was like crowding out. We talk about that and like nutrition, meaning like, okay, so if you want to eat healthier instead of using the word diet because you don't want to like you don't want to ever think about cutting back, restricting, eliminating that kind of thing. So we use the word crowd out, which is more, okay, maybe you add one more serving of vegetables to your plate so that it actually you only have a plate. You can't stop it too much. But if you add more one more serving of vegetables, then there won't be enough room to maybe have like three servings of mac and cheese and. Right. So sprouting out. So I'm like, maybe I'll start taking that approach and crowd out me hanging out with this person or crowd out my feelings for this person by going on many dates with other people.

 

Dr. Liz:
That you started that method. Well, I'm.

 

Kelly Chase:
Like, I'm, I'm on Hinge. So I do that. I look every once in a while. I've never been a serial dater. I've never been a very heavy dater. And about serious relationships or pretty much out situations. Yep, pretty much. Or I've gone on wanting to date that kind of thing. But no, like I have a handful of like that was something I wrote on my to do list today was like, go through my hinge because like, it'll be like a week and then I have like 50 plus like matches in there or people have sent me or whatever. So I'm like, okay, I need to go through and like I really want to be intentional about dating. And because I have been treated better, I know what better feels like. And I was like, Why am I holding on to this story with this one person? It's the one person. That's it. Because everyone else, like we're not trying to be right by.

 

Dr. Liz:
The story that you've been able to identify. Have you been like, I'm you?

 

Kelly Chase:
Yeah. I mean, I've known this person for a very, very long time, so.

 

Dr. Liz:
It's a level of connection there then that. Okay, yeah, No, that makes sense.

 

Kelly Chase:
It's sort of the friendship, I guess. It's like.

 

Dr. Liz:
Sure.

 

Kelly Chase:
And can there be an in between? But we've already crossed the line, so can there be? I don't know if you're both physically attracted to each other so.

 

Dr. Liz:
Well in that. Yeah, that makes it nearly impossible because you get together to be friends and end up having sex. And that's how I guess that makes it a little harder because all that person that gets released after the fact just strengthens that connection. So I feel, yeah, I, I've been there. I guess when we talk about like intentional dating and something I do with my clients, I did it with Nick when he came on. I talk about the five needs, five wants and five boundaries. Have you when you said that you were doing work around really identifying, I think you said prior to Love is Blind really identifying what you want in a partner? Let's do that real quick. So like it needs being non-negotiables like they're not optional, whether that's someone's career or their character or things like that, the needs being or the wants being preferences and then the boundaries being like deal breakers. So when you think of totally putting on the spot, so what know, like when you think of five needs in a partner, where does that take you?

 

Kelly Chase:
The first thing that came up is like safety. Like I want to feel emotionally safe more than anything with that person, you know? And I want them to feel that way too. With me, or that I provide that safety for them because I don't. I feel like that's in something in a relationship that I've had is that I feel like I maybe I feel like I'm putting a lot of trust in them. And so I'm like giving them that safety person up. But then they break up with me and I'm like, Wait a second, I thought you were safe zone, you know, like, but then I'm like, Well, maybe I wasn't that for them. And maybe that's why because they didn't have that emotional connection with me, like I was the one always being vulnerable and they weren't being vulnerable.

 

Dr. Liz:
sure. So being more aware of ensuring that that's mutual, that it's being reciprocated. Okay. Yeah, well, that.

 

Kelly Chase:
Makes sense Lately. I'm sure that a lot of these have dated or actually, like, emotionally unavailable, and I'm attracted because they're rejecting themselves. Because Hello. It's what I did forever.

 

Dr. Liz:
And that being part of the programing, right? If we really dug into that, why, why do you find emotionally unavailable men attractive? While there's probably a reason for that. So yeah, being aware of that. Okay, so.

 

Kelly Chase:
Yeah. So my point. Yeah. So emotionally connected emotionally stays is very I mean and need. Gosh, I'm like just doing this. We're going to need or want. I want them to or I need them to obviously be like financially sound. Just do I need them to be financially sound? Because there will be a time I do not want to work. I want to be a stay at home mom, Take care of us. I'm sure I will find something to do because I don't think I can sit still.

 

Dr. Liz:
But of course.

 

Kelly Chase:
I want to feel safe that I can do that and not have the pressure that I have to work and only have, you know, six weeks of maternity leave because I think that's fucking stupid in America of like other countries, you get like five months off so dumb anyways. But this is so hard of.

 

Dr. Liz:
How we can do three needs. And like.

 

Kelly Chase:
I know I like them like.

Dr. Liz:
Well, what about, like character or like, yeah, is like, funny.

 

Kelly Chase:
Or I want, I want someone that is funny or they.

 

Dr. Liz:
Want more than a need.

 

Kelly Chase:
Yeah, I would say that.

 

Dr. Liz:
Okay.

 

Kelly Chase:
I don't know. What about that is really funny. Yeah. Esthetically, I mean granted I've been, I've, I am very attracted to like guys who honestly are over like between six and six for like Brunet have a little bearded scruff going.

Dr. Liz:
you are specific.

 

Kelly Chase:
Toned body is not big like a meat head gym goer. I want like a toned body, you know. Yeah. To like, I like them to be thin. I like, I need them to be like health conscious. Conscious. Yeah. Yeah. I need them to be very open minded to the things that I, you know, I feel like I'm a very open minded person and I like hearing other people's perspectives about things because I feel like it's a learning opportunity for me. So I want them to be open minded to what I have to say and my beliefs and my thoughts and opinions as well around anything or wanting to be open minded to grow in a particular area. Or if I'm like, Hey, I want to go on this like weird couples retreat and like, do tantra shit. Like I want them to be open to be like that sounds kind of cool. I've never done anything like that, but I'll do it because you want to, you know, kind of thing, right? Versus being like, Now you can go do it.

 

Dr. Liz:
Yeah, you Also cover adventure. Who's willing to do new things, Try new things.

 

Kelly Chase:
And like grow with like, I need someone who wants to grow with me.

 

Dr. Liz:
Okay.

 

Kelly Chase:
All good.

 

Dr. Liz:
Those are. Yeah, I haven't got it going.

 

Kelly Chase:
How to get it going? Yeah. I mean, yeah, there's probably a lot of needs that I have. I mean, non-negotiables. Obviously I don't want them to be a cigarette smoker.

 

Dr. Liz:
Right there with you. Are these things when you're on the app, are you like, do you find yourself we're going to finish and do boundaries here in a second. So I want to hear your dealbreakers, but do you find yourself being really selective on the apps because of wanting this toned? 5:00 shadow? Bring that?

 

Kelly Chase:
No, I would say, you know, prior to doing a lot of this healing work, yes, I would have been more selective now. No like especially like on hand you can you know, they have like bios and they answer questions and things like that.

 

Dr. Liz:
And I know Kelly, I know all about it.

 

Kelly Chase:
Now, you know, So I do like reading. I do read those. And maybe if someone sounds funny, like I may and maybe, maybe I'm not totally, like, attracted to them, like, first, you know, love is blind kind of thing or, you know, love at first sight. But I am looking at things and I'm like, okay, like I've been in a situation where I was not physically really physically attracted to someone and then I was hanging out with them so much that I became physically attracted to them. I And so I was like, wow. Because their personality and their energy, just everything just made them just so freaking cute. So I know that that is possible and again, because of the work that I've done and, and I believe also the experience I love is blind. Obviously it did help me because I had to make a connection without ever seeing someone, you know. And mom. So I do look for qualities within that text or if they're leaving a voice memo or something like that, You know, I'm looking at that stuff and I will most likely more likely swipe right on that person if I'm like, cool. They're like into like mindset stuff or they're this is that was like a really funny thing that they wrote. Like, I do want humor in my relationship. I, I do need that humor. But yeah, so I'm definitely more open.

 

Dr. Liz:
But somehow that's that's very proud of you.

 

Kelly Chase:
Yeah, but granted, yeah, there are still the guys, but I'm like, you know, I'm probably just like them because they're very attractive right now.

 

Dr. Liz:
The hardest part for me on the Dating Life, because if they're too attractive, I'm like, Okay, well, when you are two, you're probably a narcissist. So like, I'm like, Nope, So I'll get rid of them if they're too attractive. And then if they're not like, attractive enough, which as you're describing, I am so like an energy person so I can be around somebody who I wouldn't probably swipe on maybe on an app, but if they so like intellectual foreplay is, is my.

 

Kelly Chase:
Guess.

 

Dr. Liz:
That that's going to get me going. So someone who's really smart who can really like have good conversation and that's hard to do on the app. So I find myself like it's a damned if you do, damned if you don't for the man because I'm like, You're too pretty. No, you're not pretty enough. No. So that's it for you. You are definitely like being a lot more open minded about, you know, the organic connection is obviously so much easier. But once you start having those conversations that can sometimes you can find connection in there for your boundaries. So let's just do two. So what are two like deal breakers?

 

Kelly Chase:
Yeah.

 

Dr. Liz:
Besides cigarette smoking?

 

Kelly Chase:
Yeah. Yeah. I mean, I would say like, I mean I am not going to, I don't want to exact behaviors where the guy is not putting forth the effort and not showing up for me like I have obviously been in situations of for too long that it's, you know and before then I mean I dated guys that just didn't put me first. And it's like I'm I'm done playing the rejection story, like I don't want to be living and not anymore. I want someone to show up. So it's like, okay, if they're not like, how? I'm not going to entertain the behavior for as long as I have, let's put it that way, you know, like so that a really big I want someone that is going to Yeah, just really show up for me and like be there a boundary. I think you know I would say like maybe some guy having like worked on the boundary between two people I want to see maybe like our alone time, like actually implement like having that, like I wouldn't want someone that is literally smothering me because I've been so alone. I've been on my own for so that I couldn't have that like. But I want them to involve me in things like, Hey, you know, maybe I don't like I don't necessarily want to do everything together, but I want to do most things together. But if we need our alone time, like I want that space to be respected on for both of us.

 

Dr. Liz:
So what you're describing is interdependency. You want the ability for you each have your own thing, but then to still be a partnership and still be connected while. You can do your own things, but then bring it back together. I think that is so important, especially as somebody as driven as you are and who stays busy and active and like you do need that space. Yeah, but then also craving connection and wanting to know that there will be vulnerable and available to you, like when you when you're wanting that connection. I think that's why I've noticed that that's my programing. So when we talk about you being attracted to emotionally unavailable men, I can relate to that. And usually it's like time is something that I, I'm attracted to men that don't have a lot of time. And so I constantly find myself in that that loop of like, you know, allowing it to reaffirm this belief that I'm not important or that I'm not a priority when I'm like, okay, you keep literally choosing men who don't have time. There's plenty of men who pursue me, who have plenty of time, like, you know, you're not that fun, you're not that whatever.

 

Kelly Chase:
Yeah, that's.

 

Dr. Liz:
Like aware of that for sure. Yeah. That like circle of control again. Like if, if we don't want to be rejected, as you're saying, we have to start with choosing the type of men who reject.

 

Kelly Chase:
Absolutely. Absolutely. Yeah. And I don't, I just don't want to live that story anymore. So yeah, making changes this year.

 

Dr. Liz:
To make those changes. Where can people find you? What with your social media you have a website, where can you be found?

 

Kelly Chase:
Yeah. So Instagram is most where I hang out on is Chase life with Kelly on Instagram. I've been showing up a little bit more on Tik Tok, so it's actually I am Kelly Chase on Tik Tok and and then I do have a website but it needs need some work but it's just it's just life together dot com if you want to check that out but.

 

Dr. Liz:
These bachelor gram but if someone wanted to do like coaching with you or something is that should they just contact you through Instagram.

 

Kelly Chase:
Yeah I would say contact me through Instagram. Yeah. Okay.

 

Dr. Liz:
All right. Well very good. Kelly, I appreciate you hanging out and being so vulnerable and so relatable today. I really appreciate it. This was a good conversation and I hope that you find your emotionally available man and I hope at some point we'll do the same.

 

Kelly Chase:
Yes, I do, too.

 

Dr. Liz:
That thanks, Kelly, for hanging out. Wishing you all the best on that intentional dating journey and hope you find that six four scruffy man. Thank you all for hanging out with me today. Relatable relationships Unfiltered. Make sure to subscribe to our YouTube channel, Sign up for my newsletter and find me on Instagram at Dr. Elizabeth Fedrick.