Relatable podcast
Episode 26: managing expectations with elizabeth overstreet
Dr. Liz hangs out with Elizabeth Overstreet, a relationship strategist and coach, to chat all about effective ways to manage our expectations in relationships. Dr. Liz and Elizabeth discuss the difference between realistic and unrealistic expectations, as well as the importance of identifying your wants, needs, and boundaries for your relationships. They also chat through effective ways to express your wants and needs to your partner… and Elizabeth gives Dr. Liz some good feedback on managing her high expectations of others. You don’t want to miss this very relatable episode all about relational expectations.
transcript:
Elizabeth Overstreet:
Is your dating someone like it's okay to give feedback, but I think it's always how you see it. It's kind of like saying, you're going to wear that dress versus I really like it when you wear that red dress that really seems to fit you, you know, flatter you. It's all in the way you frame the message, right?
Dr. Liz:
Yeah. No. And I love that that pointing out what you do like versus what you don't is such a powerful things. This is relatable relationships, unfiltered. Hey, welcome to Relatable Relationships unfiltered. Today, I'm hanging out with Elizabeth Overstreet, relationship expert and love strategist. We chat all about managing expectation and our relationships and how my own high standards keep getting in the way of my dating life. So, Elizabeth, I have the honor of joining you and your husband on your podcast. That was a few months ago now, and that was such a great conversation. I know you guys do a lot of that type of work together. And today, the perfect topic for expectations because I want to hear all about your guys's expectations in your marriage. So thank you for being here.
Elizabeth Overstreet:
Yeah, I'm really excited to be on the show. I always have admired the work that you do out there and as you know, this work is so important to us because we want people to not have to repeat the same mistakes that we've made or, you know, we want to help Sean their learning curve. But sometimes people just don't know what they don't know about relationships. So it's a but it's a fun work and it's very fulfilling when you can see people get to that healthy relationship or get with that person, that's the right connection for them. So I'm excited to talk about this.
Dr. Liz:
Yes, absolutely. And the other component of that and what I loved about our conversation as well when we chatted on yours is just the normalizing of like even as relationship experts that we still struggle and we still have our own things that we don't know or we don't do well. And so to be able to just talk about that as humans is so important to me. And I know like that is also something you do and that's important to you as well.
Elizabeth Overstreet:
Yeah, like I always joke that yes, when I'm coaching someone, it's very it's a lot easier for me because I'm a little bit removed from the situation. But then when I'm in my own relationship with my husband, I often don't have my coaching add on. So I'm human, just like everyone else out there. And it's like, shoot, that is not what you would advise someone to do. And sometimes my husband calls me out on it too. He'll be like, Would you advise your client to make that move in that conversation? So he's hold me accountable and then I have to hold me accountable because I want to make sure that when I'm expressing things to people, that is realistic, because I think there's a lot of fluffy theories out there. And sometimes unrealistic advice really showcase what happens in a relationship. We get snippets of things. So I think it's so important to give people like the truth serum, right, Right. So they know what what's realistic to expect in a relationship.
Dr. Liz:
Exactly. And that's exactly the topic today on expectations, and that's for sure. What I want to talk about in terms of. So there's seems to be two ends of the spectrum when it comes to expectations. There is the individuals that are maybe have really high expectations of themselves, of their partners. There's a lot that they want out of it, which there's nothing wrong with, but sometimes it can get unrealistic, which sets them up for disappointment and then on the other end of the spectrum are the individuals who maybe did not grow up with the opportunity to express their wants, their needs, their boundaries. And so they're not they're more focused on meeting their partner's expectations and expressing their own. Where do you tend to fall on that spectrum?
Elizabeth Overstreet:
Wow, You know, that's such a pendulum, right? Because there's the extreme of like, I know what I want, I know what I need, and I need you to show up this way. And then there's the person that just they don't know or they lean more into the other side. So I feel like I'm in the middle. I like to say I'm pretty balanced to look like anyone else out there. I could be my virtue. I always say patience isn't one of my virtues. So marriage is, you know, you've been there. It teaches you how to be. It forces you to be patient. I'm also a parent, so that's helped too. But like, I just think that I fall in the middle. Like I feel like I just like anyone else. I, I have been in relationships where I felt insecure or anxious, but then I've also been in relationships where I felt great and I was like, this is what that looks like. But I always feel like going from what's not healthy to like something that's healthy feels really foreign at first because you're just not used to it and you actually second guess it sometimes more than you would the unhealthy situations, because sometimes we've just been through so, so much conditioning of that, or we grew up in households where we didn't see it model for us. So we just don't know what we know until we kind of hit our head against the wall a couple of times, you know, figure Yeah, you.
Dr. Liz:
Know, and that's so true because that ties into the relational programing piece of that, that when we are programed to engage or interact or really have real relationships operate in a certain way, then that is what we come to expect. And so I talk to my clients about that so often when they're maybe they start dating and they're aware of these red flags. So it becomes a bit of a confusion and they're constantly second guessing themselves because they're so used to this one dysfunctional way that this maybe healthier and functional way actually feels. It creates discomfort for them. And so they start to question like, okay, which, which is right, which is wrong, which is okay, which is not, because what feels comfortable is not always the healthiest option.
Elizabeth Overstreet:
Right? And I think, you know, it's just normal. Like you you have to kind of figure out who you are. And that's a big part of my coaching philosophy. Like, a lot of times we're putting that onus on the other person to do the right thing or to treat us the right way. But I feel like we have to teach people sometimes how we want to be treated. We have to set those boundaries. Boundaries are actually a way of of self-love and self protection, and it's also teaching someone how to treat you. So it's like if you're not clear on that, I feel that makes it easier for you to to be back and forth and to accept certain things. So I think there almost has to be an awakening or like a period of self-actualization where you're going through this journey of figuring out like who am I as a person? What do I really want? Because I hear you probably get this too. Like, people come in sometimes they're married and they're like, He's not making me happy, or she's not making me happy. And that onus really, isn't it on someone else to make you happy. There's a deeper thing going on usually, right? And it's it's really on you to kind of figure out these things. And that person should be adding to your happiness, no doubt. They shouldn't be like bringing you down all the time. But I think as soon as I hear those statements, I know something's kind of like missing where they're kind of wanting that other person to fill that gap, I feel like that self-reflection, like figuring out who you are, what you want, like what's important to you, what your core values are. That's to me, the most important part of those, you know, the foundation on a lot of.
Dr. Liz:
That work, identifying what are your wants, your needs, your boundaries, and like you're saying, your core values, your values mean something in a relationship. What is important to you? It's going to be important for that, for your partner there to be compatibility there. And so that ties in to the expectation piece because I agree that we should not of course, we should not rely on somebody else to make us happy. However, if we're feeling discontentment in a relationship where we're feeling like our needs aren't being met, then that does become again. Still, I believe the onus is still on the individual, but you express it so it's not like, okay, you're not meeting my needs. So I'm okay with that, but rather you're not meeting my needs. Can we talk about this?
Elizabeth Overstreet:
Right, and let's come up with something. I think that's a huge sign that you're in the right relationship with someone who is willing to have that discussion with you, to hear you to validate what you're saying and take it in, and then there's action behind it. So I agree with you. I don't think you should stay discontent in relationships, but I think where you have that person on that one end of the spectrum, you talked about this like looking for certain standards. Sometimes they're almost like inflexible, are immovable. And I don't think that works either because we're all imperfect. So I feel like no matter, even if you're with someone who it feels great with and there's compatibility, as you know. I mean, we both experienced it personally and professionally. We talk to people. There's always going to be things that are touchy topics or triggering that, you know, it's just going to happen. Even in a healthy relationship. You just hope you're both at the same point of being able to explore that in a healthy way or get someone to intervene to help if you can't have those discussions. Because I think the hardest is when people don't express that creates that resentment. You're talking about that discontent, and it's hard to come back from that when that's going on for years and years and years, or when people expect the other person to understand. Like I've heard people say that what they should know me by now and I'm like, we are always evolving selves. So it's really not fair for you to be like someone you know, to expect someone to know what you want. I still think it's important to communicate it even over time because it can change.
Dr. Liz:
Right? Or yeah. Or do you expect them to read your mind? And that's exactly it. That if we're not expressing these things, even if we have to give reminders and that doesn't always feel ideal because it's like, well, we've told them before, they should know. But people get caught up in their own things, their own lives, their own responsibilities and work and stressors and everything like that. And so those reminders are there. Okay. The problem is, is if the person either rejects it, dismisses it, they maybe give you a hard time about it, manipulate you. That's when it becomes a problem. But if they're like, babe, yes, I'm so sorry. Like, I, you know, let me work on that. That's such a different story. So how do you suggest that, like when you're working with your clients, like what is some verbiage that you suggest for people to use when they're expressing a need or want to their partner?
Elizabeth Overstreet:
Yeah. So I always tell people like, preface it like, you know, I mean, like I'll use myself as an example with my husband, you know, I'll if I know it's a difficult subject, Number one, I'm waiting for the right timing. I'm going to prep him. That is coming because no one likes to talk, especially men. Right. Talk to you. And then I'm like, Hey, honey, I know this is a touchy topic, but this is how I'm feeling about it. So a lot of I statements, a lot of like expressing emotions behind it because then it doesn't feel as it doesn't put the other person on the defense as much because you're really expressing how you're feeling, how you're taking it in. And if they love you, their reaction, it doesn't mean it won't be uncomfortable because it's still we've had a conversation where I'm prefacing, I'm using I statements, I'm using filling statements. And still it could be a still it's a touchy topic. That's why it's a touchy topic. But I just kind of allow him I'll say how I feel and express it. Give some examples, then I'll I'll be very explicit in what the expectation is that I want to accomplish. So like I know some, you know, I'll use I'll use like a quote, a client of coach. Like a lot of times people be like, I want more time. And I'm like, That's very generic. Yes, I think you need to be specific. Like, I want to take a walk with you once a week or like us to go on a date once a month. I think you have to give people the roadmap, right? Because you could look different to the person. So I would say the people like expressing it from your perspective, not using the you make me feel, because that just puts people on the points of and then really sitting back and knowing your partner's style of how they deal with a difficult topic I think is the other piece. So with my husband I had to learn like I'm the person that likes to solve through and talk through things right away and he's a processor. And I think what people need to realize is like there's value on both sides of the coin because the processor is really emotionally trying to connect and understand A lot of times like what? You know, why you feel in this way. They're looking at all the nuances of it and someone who's quick to solve is not that they're not looking at the emotional side, they're just more action oriented. And you need both. You need someone who could look at all the layers of the problem, peel back the onion, so to speak, and then you need someone on the other side to say, okay, now how do we execute and move forward so that there's power? That I think the challenge is when you have two avoiders for.
Dr. Liz:
Sure, it's not impossible with two avoiders. That's what I, I would say, you know, there's almost like value in the anxious and the avoidant coming together that they're so drawn to each other because there is a balancing of that. And I do I agree with that, that there is often the partner who is the processor and they they do need more time. And so I'm similar to you in personality in terms of like, I want the solution now. I want to know what we're doing. I want to know how it's going to be fixed and that is not always conducive to other people's communication styles or how they make sense of things, and also sometimes puts them in a position to either say or do things that they don't actually mean. So whether they are getting defensive and so they say something that's hurtful or sometimes they make commitments that they can't actually live up to because they're just trying to like help, like they see how badly you want to solve it. So they're like jumping in to try to do it with you. Right. But neither side of that is going to be effective if they just need more time to sit with it. And so that's yeah, great point. And you know, when you're the receiver of that I encourage people reflect validate and explore the three steps that I encourage people to do. So you know if you are coming to me saying you want more time reflecting back, okay, I hear that you don't feel like we're getting enough time together, or maybe you're not feeling like I'm prioritizing you and then validating that I see how you could feel that way. I know quality time is your love language, so I know that's really something that you need and then explore and explore is really asking follow up questions. And so to your point, maybe even asking for the specificity in that, like what does more time together look like? How can we do that in a way that works for both of us?
Elizabeth Overstreet:
Yeah, And I think like, there's so much power in that because what you said is what I think a lot of discontent is comes from in relationships. People want to be seen, heard and validated. And if you look at any relationship that starts like fall apart, I feel like those are consistent things. I didn't feel appreciated. I didn't feel like you were listening to me. I didn't feel like you could see who I was, where I want to go. Like those are other themes that like, come up, that recur where there's like relationship issues. And I think the other thing is like focusing on one issue at a time. Sometimes I heard this someone say this and it was funny. She's like, I get angry wife syndrome where like it just bills, bills, bills. And then and it's almost like diarrhea, everything comes out. It's like you talk about so many things and the person on the other side is like, where did this come from? And it's is built of frustration because you haven't expressed yourself. And so there's power in like really releasing, you know, some things at a time. And that could be hard. I don't know about you, I don't wanna put you on the spot, but for me, I'm like, sometimes I'm like, Come on, let's, let's get this done. So like, when I have to hold back and I'm like, I just got to focus on one thing that could be hard for some people.
Dr. Liz:
Right? But if you're bringing it up regularly and so that is something I really encourage for couples is to do weekly check ins. I post about this all the time. I provide checking questions on Instagram, but like when you're doing a weekly check in and I really encourage people you have the same day time. So whether you do it on, if you have a date every week or maybe the kids are in bed by 8 p.m., so by 830, you're on the couch on Thursday night at 830. You know that this is just when we do our check in and that you're each are coming with maybe two or three questions that you can each think about of on your own, or maybe you pull it from a list. But that is a really good opportunity to not allow these things to build up. Because if you know that you're meeting every week to have this conversation, if there's something that happened on Sunday, you know that just in a few days you're going to be able to talk about it and you're going to be able to express it and it's going to be a safe environment to do that. And that is exactly why I suggest it, because exactly what you're saying that otherwise we do, we tend to it like bite your tongue. Bite your tongue. But her tongue until then, we're just complete assholes and it all just explodes.
Elizabeth Overstreet:
You, you know? And I think there's a thing that happens, like, is so normal when someone is criticizing you. Your natural mechanism is to protect yourself and defend. So a lot times we're doing like defensive listening, like we're waiting to just immediately rapid fire. Nope, I didn't do that because of this. No, no, no. As opposed to really just actively listening and really receiving what the person's saying and letting it kind of marinate and sit in the air a little bit and like you said, express it back because perception can be reality, even though it's not always reality. Right, is perception. But sometimes our partners can have certain perceptions that we don't give them that space to express their perception. And I think that's another thing that leads to communication eventually being shut down, because then they start to feel like, I can't even express to you how I feel without you become a defensive or you're not leaning into trying to understand. So I love what you said, which are your three steps that you tell couples and then them talking on a regular basis as well.
Dr. Liz:
Yeah. And the the resentment of that for sure. Then when, when the resentment builds, then they end, you know, like when someone feels triggered, the reaction to their trigger often triggers the other person. And then if you don't resolve that, you're just going back and forth, triggering each other when you're talking about when somebody is feeling criticized. So I know I have a tendency I would definitely fall on the end of high expectations. I believe that's.
Elizabeth Overstreet:
When I'm just a little bit.
Dr. Liz:
High. I believe that's why I've been single for as long as I have.
Elizabeth Overstreet:
I will be married for a long time. Yes.
Dr. Liz:
And and it's hard because also, like I. I don't need somebody. Right. Like I do from a connection standpoint. Like, I that sounds very avoidant. And yes, I do fall into that category as well. But like, as far as, like my quality of life, like I don't I don't need somebody for a dual income. I don't need somebody to like, take care of me in that way. But I do desire connection. But I think because of my high expectations, I'm very quick to I'll push somebody away very quickly. Or on the flip side of that, where this question was going, as I do tend to come across as critical, I've been the last couple people I've dated. That's been their feedback. I'm sure my ex is my very good friend, so he would tell me very openly and honestly that I can be a critical asshole sometimes.
Elizabeth Overstreet:
And so I'm that's an open communication. I know what to be like that to do. Yeah.
Dr. Liz:
Makes it so much easier. Quite honestly. He and I provide each other feedback, so I'll tell him a story maybe about somebody I'm dating. He's like, Yeah, that sounds like you. I think that that person's right. I was like, Okay, screw you. Not what I'm looking for, but how do you suggest that people can maybe I'm asking you for a friend. Maybe I sent myself to communicate in a way that is less critical, that can come across like I can express to you. My needs are being met, but I don't have to make you feel defective or insufficient because of my feelings. What does that look like?
Elizabeth Overstreet:
So really, that's a really good question, because I think is when you have when you have standards for the people out there like Liz and me to you have standards. You know, what you are right is like you're very clear on it. But at the same time, I think everything doesn't have to always be vocalized right away. I think in the beginning phases of getting to know someone, I always tell people, this is your discovery time of dating someone. You don't have to give them all the answers to the test. Like I think sometimes is is wise to sit back and observe their behavior. Right. And see what they do and see if they do some of the things you naturally would want them to do and and assess it. But at the same time, you want to give feedback because sometimes we can't resist that. I think it's probably better to pose it as a question and to lean into it as curiosity. Well, I notice that you seem to make pretty quick decisions when it comes to some money or whatever it is. Like what kind of drugs that like is interesting to me. And that way I think you're not sounding like you're poking at their decision making, but you're leaning into understanding how they make decisions. So I think coming from a place of curiosity for a minute more is a question as opposed to a criticism. And I think there's a time for that. Like, I'm not saying you're like dating someone for a long time. You're never going to like, give them feedback. But I think in the beginning we can shut down people. Like, I think, you know, I coach men and women. Men are sensitive. Like, I don't think women realize how sensitive they are. They do feel a need to be perceived as the hero. They want you to look at them and think, Wow, this is the best thing in my life. They need reaffirmation. And we wouldn't think that as women because we just see these guys, we're like all date, they're cocky and are saying this and that, but there's a lot of sensitivity layers under that. I would just tell women, you know, to be conscious of that, if you're dating someone, like it's okay to give feedback. But I think it's always how you say it. It's kind of like saying, you're going to wear that dress versus I really like it when you wear that red dress that really seems to fit you flatter you. It's all in the way you frame the message, right? Yeah.
Dr. Liz:
No. And I love that that pointing out what you do. Like versus what you don't is such a powerful thing. So I really like it when you text me good morning or I really like it when you call me on your way home from work or something like that versus you never call me or you never reach out to me. Definitely is going to land a lot differently.
Elizabeth Overstreet:
It's like you're reinforcing, right? Like if you have a pet, even you have a pet, you have a dog, right? Yes, dog. I remember like if you want your dog to do something, you're not going to be like your bad dog. Now, you may have those most really like you're out of order, right? And the dog knows that by your personality. But most of the time you're going to like reward. You're going to be like, Here's a treat. my God, that's so good. You didn't tear up my shoes today. That's so great that you did this and you and the even the animal, right? Kisses by your tone. I'm pleasing her like I'm doing things right. I'm getting treats. And so I think humans whip men and women are like that, too. Like, we want that, like, reaffirmation, right? We want to know, like, we I think if we're a person that is driven and I think, you know, most people want to achieve things. Some people don't. Right. But some people do. But there's someone you're in a relationship with and you already have measured that. Okay. They seem pretty similar to me because it sounds like you have high expectations. You talked about that, that they probably are hypercritical of themselves, too. So they probably want you to give that feedback. But I think they also want the good feedback too. So I think it's all in how you wrap it up.
Dr. Liz:
Right. And that's so important that what is the number like 3 to 5 positives per one, like feedback or whatever. And that is true. And I definitely, definitely an area of growth for myself. What are some.
Elizabeth Overstreet:
Of the at least one self awareness? And I think look, we're talking about this like I had gaps. So when I first was married and I got divorced, I was probably the worst person to date because I would be on a date with a guy and be like, Well, what? You don't do that? And I would be calling it out and that date would be over. Like, and for a minute there, it took me a while. And so I dated somebody who pretty much called me out that I could in a way receive it. I was like, You're very bitter. And I'm like, Why me? No, I just have high standards. It's like, No, you're angry. And he was right. It was like the first person to say it to me in a way, like where I could actually say, You know what? I need to take a step back because there's a pattern here. So I think that self-reflection and being self aware of it, that's key to like if you are self awareness and hope you get past it because at least you now know, okay, that's kind of my thing. I need to watch out for that a little bit.
Dr. Liz:
Yeah, I completely agree. How long have you been married then? So this is your second marriage that you're in right now, and.
Elizabeth Overstreet:
This is my second year. So we're still. I mean, we're early. We're under ten years. Like, we're.
Dr. Liz:
Okay.
Elizabeth Overstreet:
But I was married ten years before that. I was in long term relationships in between, and I didn't want to get remarried for a long time. So it took me a long time because I was scared, because some of it, I think when you have high standards is protectiveness. You don't want to get hurt again. You don't want to You feel foolish sometimes, even though you shouldn't, because we're humans and we don't always know totally who someone is until we're in it with them. And we make mistakes along the way that we sometimes are just not aware we're making because it's hard to see ourselves. But it's I was scared. I was like, Now I'm never getting married again. So I'm never ever. And there's also when it comes right when you say that. But yeah, I was just like, No, I'm good. And to your point, I get what you're saying because I was at a point to where it's like, I don't need anyone to take care of me.
Elizabeth Overstreet:
I'm pretty independent. I, I don't need extra income, I'm comfortable. But then it was like, I really I want on this trip to Jamaica, I was and this my friend had gifted me their timeshare on the island and I was in Montego Bay, which I didn't realize at the time is like one of the honeymoon destinations, spots of Jamaica. And I was like the only single person there. But it was still a good trip because I think we need to do that. But I kept ended up with couples the whole trip. They kept trying to take care of me, which was really sweet. But then I was in this beautiful hotel room and I was like, Man, I have you know, my daughter is doing great. You know, I'm very accomplished, but I'm like, I really want someone to I wish I can have someone here to share with. I had that moment and I was like, This is what people mean. Kind of like and it feels very cliche to say it, but we do want companionship. And so to your point, I wanted that connection. I was like, I want to be connected to someone. I want to be to share my golden years with someone, to travel and do things. So but I think also the key to it for me and I think people maybe it relates is, is you got to be in the right spot too, with your soul, you know?
Dr. Liz:
How did you meet your husband then?
Elizabeth Overstreet:
Wow. So this is a funny story. So I actually met my husband's sister first and we were good friends and I met him through her and so we went to work out with him. I was like, You have a brother. You never mentioned that. She's like, I have to. I saw you hide the boy or something. And at the time I wasn't like I would I actually was dating someone else. I wasn't even, like, interested or anything like that, but that relationship was kind of falling. I was like, I don't know where it's going to go, but I wasn't focused or preoccupied on my what was going to be my husband. But how he won me over was I was like dating someone. And I was like, Ooh, this doesn't feel right. This person's not treating me the way I. You know what I would like the way I would like him to. There's some things that don't feel right. There's a mismatch. And time had passed like if I broke up with that person, time passed. And then what I what really attracted me to Kay is that like the way he showed up for me and I realized, like, for me, I had dated guys that were successful, guys that were, you know, like the whole, the whole gamut. and what I realized I really desire was a guy to mostly the immature, but it's really important to me because I hadn't met that many guys that could fill that bucket. And so he really showed up that way for me very strongly. I was like, I can really like cry with this guy and he doesn't react weird or anything. He just he pours in in that moment. So yeah, it's interesting.
Dr. Liz:
What does emotional maturity. That's a great, you know, great thing to talk about here because I do think that that ties and expectations. I know for me for sure, emotional intelligence, emotional maturity like that is huge for me. And it really something that's hard to find in I don't just mean in men I in all gender really hard being. Yeah and so that is often where I maybe I start chatting with somebody or talking to somebody and then I'm just so like, turned off by that lack of emotional maturity. How do you define emotional maturity? Like, what does that look like to you? Yeah.
Elizabeth Overstreet:
Is someone who can the things we're talking about, someone who can communicate with you, someone who could talk about difficult subjects, it doesn't mean is not going to be tenuous or, you know, some tension there. But you can get through it. You don't feel like each time you bring up something they're at risk of they're at a flight risk or that they're going to turn it against you. It's just a very respectful communal relationship. It's like a friendship. They're two to that. So but I think the emotional maturity is like people just being able to have conversations, plan things, talk about things in a realistic way. Because, look, we you know, we're at a point like I was at a point like I had you know, I have a daughter. I you know, I have a future. I'm trying to plan. I know where I want to be because I think you get to that point in life, you should at least. And so if someone's not emotionally mature or they can't meet you there and they're not the same like thought process or they're not even able to really show up for you and have those discussions and like really connect that way, you know, because it just feels disconnected. It's like they're almost throwing you off constantly. But when it's when there's emotional maturity, I mean, it's not that there's not some up and down, but you can get through it because you're too, you know, you're on the same wavelength.
Dr. Liz:
Yeah. And I wonder, like, if how most people are operating out there, because I just get so confused when I'm like talking to somebody, you know, like in, let's say in their forties or even early fifties and just the inability to whole good conversation, the inability to ask questions, to ask you about yourself. And I was talking to a client about that this week. She's like, I started talking to somebody recently. She met him on an app and they've been talking and she's like, I like him, but when we're talking, he doesn't ask me about myself. Like he's not asking questions back and he's in his early sixties and I'm thinking like, people really do go through life this way and and what my suggestion to her was like, you know, he does sound like he's receptive to feedback. So what would happen if you had that conversation with him? Like, maybe he just maybe like you were saying earlier, no one had called you out in a way you could receive that, the bonus or whatever. And and so sometimes it really is just bring it to their attention. But all that to say, I'm like, what the hell? How are these people? Like getting through like day to day life with lack of emotional maturity?
Elizabeth Overstreet:
Well, you know, this like you you talk to patients all the time. It's like I think people stop sometimes their development at a certain point based on their life based on what they experience. I was in a relationship with that like that before, just like that. Ladies with their six year old and the guy was older and I thought, okay, he should have it together. He did in certain ways. And I think that's where people get confused. So men, I think, are highly, you know, and I don't want to generalize, but I'm going to generalize a little bit. Men, I think, are like sometimes hyper focused and told to be good providers and to protect. Yeah they they they like hang in to that so hard they go to that direction so hard that they focus wholly on that. But then there's emotional maturity, their spiritual maturity, their sexual maturity and those gaps. And so the person that was older than me, I was surprised. Like I literally would feel like if we had a discussion, I was like, my God, I'm talking to a teenager. But then as I like started learning more about the person, their development kind of stopped as a teenager. Like they were married young and they really didn't have a maternal figure in their life. There were some gaps there. They didn't have a paternal figure. They they had like more of a older, you know, a grandparent that raised them. So I was like, my God. Like, there's there's that lack of maturity may have come through some of the things that they just didn't have exposure to growing up because literally it was like a teenager. And that's how you hear people say that they would be like, I feel like I'm with like a teen. And sometimes you are based on where their development is.
Dr. Liz:
Yeah. And like you're saying, even the sexual maturity and the intellectual foreplay is such a big thing for me to be able to have deep, insightful conversations, to be able to go to a museum, to go look at art, all of that. But like as you're saying, there's a lot of people, they just they don't they just don't operate like that. That is either. It wasn't role model. They didn't have opportunities to do that. And for some people they're just not interested in it. And that's okay too. But it's making the dating pool very shallow start.
Elizabeth Overstreet:
Yeah. And that's why, like I always say, dating is discovery. Like make sure you are leaning into asking those questions. And that's why it's so important to know, like, what's your blueprint? What's important to you? It doesn't have to be an exhaustive list, but like, if it's important to you to have someone that where you can have intellectual conversation, you're with someone, they just they're not there with you. You know, this is a driver for you. You need to pay attention to that. It doesn't mean it can't work, but it may it may be a challenge. Right. So to your point, there is a lot of that out there. Like it's very interesting and it does make it harder.
Dr. Liz:
How do you help your clients to like, determine what realistic expectations are? So especially for some of us with higher expectations, higher standards, and there's this laundry list of things that we want, how do you help them to decipher, like what really matters and what are some things they can let go? I know a lot of my clients will ask that. Like I don't know if I let this go, if that means I'm settling or if I'm giving in to less than I deserve. So where is that balance?
Elizabeth Overstreet:
Yeah, number one, I think that you. You've been married, right? Everyone settles on some level. Meaning like, I'm not saying that you should settle for less than what you deserve. I'm not about that life. But I think there's always going to be something that you're going to wish your partner had that they don't have. And I think the key is on that and this is going to throw people off is you need variety in your relationships. Because I think when we lean into our partner for just one for everything, that's setting your relationship up for failure. But I think the value of your relationship growing is you actually have an outside interests, have an outside friendships to to cultivate things because sometimes you're just not going to be with that person that gets certain aspects of you, but you could have a friendship where that exist. Right?
Dr. Liz:
Right. Yeah, I completely agree. You can have other elements of your life to fill the void.
Elizabeth Overstreet:
Yeah, but to your point, there's a balance. So I think you can't be inflexible because you have to realize like, you're imperfect, too. And there's things that are hard about you too.
Dr. Liz:
I have a lot of my own red flags.
Elizabeth Overstreet:
So like that that I had to I had to come to that realization like, hey, you know, I mean, and you could be great. Like, and I'm not saying like, because people would be looking at this like, I am great, and you could be great. But there's still some things that just like we have positive attributes, we have deficits. Right? Right. But you can support to be balanced towards that. And I think it's important to like look at, you know, qualities or attributes that like cause that are long standing. So what do I mean by that? Like someone who has humility, if that's important to you, because that's going to be there whether they're rich or poor, right? Someone who has a sense of ethics around work and family or, you know, a discipline for going after something and doing it like that, if that's important, you like don't settle on those things. If you see someone as a poor work ethic and they're lazy and you're driven, I'm not saying they have to be as driven as you because that that's not what I'm saying. But I'm saying like, you want someone who does have some get up and go, You're going to want that because you're going to resent that if they don't. So I think, yeah.
Dr. Liz:
Someone know someone who also understands it, Right? So, right. You have those things that are important to you that at least they're supportive of them. Exactly. Yes. Keep going.
Elizabeth Overstreet:
Yeah. And like, and like, so my husband always say, like, we do our podcast together better, but like, I know I chose this, like to put myself out there and talk about this stuff. So I bring him along when he wants to be, but I don't force that on him. But at the same time he understands it's important to me, so he never tries to say, You shouldn't do this or don't you know you need to give that up. Like I like people should be supportive of the things that make you happy that fill your cup. That's another sign. I think sometimes like we we focus on things like I'm it's just interesting. I remember seeing something where they're like, this guy is six feet tall, He has three kids or whatever, right? They made a ridiculous scenario, three kids, three different mothers being dramatic. And then they were like, okay, this guy over here is five, seven. He's never had kids. You know, he's he's he's an accountant, right? And people are still going for the six feet tall guy because of like the physical piece. And I'm not saying like there's not something to having some attraction to the person you with. I'm not saying someone isn't you're not attracted to. I'm just saying to look beyond what we sometimes think we want, because sometimes that's where we discover actually what we need. Yeah, right. We're actually we could be valuable to us. Having a relationship with someone is a little different. So the joke was like, sometimes we'll look at these, like, arbitrary features and we'll just like, give into it because we're like, okay, they have money, they have card, they have this. And I think all those things are important, but those things can shift. And I think the character, the character traits to me are more important because those are more longstanding, those you'll see when a person is stressed out, when they're happy and they're trying to figure things out, that that's those are things you see the show consistently.
Dr. Liz:
Yeah. And that really affect quality of life. So what kind of car they drive or how much money they have, like yes, that can enhance their character is what really is going to drive your day to day quality of life and like how content you are in that relationship. That's a funny the example that you gave. I had a client about a year ago and she dated pretty much only professional athletes, and because of that, she clearly ran into what you would expect to run in she with professional athletes. And I said to her one day, What about the accountant? Like I literally said that exactly Like, what if what if just maybe looked at a different, you know, like the stable that just maybe more low key man might go a long way.
Elizabeth Overstreet:
Yeah. Because, you know, you'll hear people say, I have preferences and preferences and I always like to do like an inventory. Okay, let's talk about that. Like, tell me about those relationships. Tell me what happened. And I was so excited because I had a client that had a breakthrough because he's dating someone that's not his normal type or preference. And he was like, is really weird. But she's she gets me like, I realize like, I need someone that's in it for the long term. That's what I'm looking for at this point in my life. And a lot of things I was focused on before they were temporary because esthetically they may have been appealing, especially the woman he's with is not appealing. But he said he was kind of looking just one sided. He wasn't looking multi-dimensional. So now he's with someone that has those multidimensional facets and she isn't the type that he would have normally dated. And now he's talking about marry her. Yes. I think there's something to exploring. At least you don't have to marry them, but exploring outside of your normal type of who you think is always going to be that person's compatible for you.
Dr. Liz:
Yeah. And that's where, you know, really identifying your needs in a relationship. And when I talk a lot to my clients who are dating about identifying their needs, wants and boundaries, like I was saying earlier, but your needs are really the non-negotiables. But I really encourage them only to pick about five of those because really, if you can determine what is this like handful of non-negotiables, then you give yourself space to date people who maybe you wouldn't typically or who maybe are outside of that box. So like for me, you know, that they have a job, They don't have young children. Like I have just a very handful of that now, have a lot of other standards and expectations on my preference list.
Elizabeth Overstreet:
Glad to hear about your list. That's like another show.
Dr. Liz:
Yeah, my list is probably way too long and probably yes, but I have my needs and also with the core values that ties into that as well. Like I need somebody who's driven but loyal and dependable and, you know, so I think when you really know what are those things that have to be there, it gives you space to explore some of those other things. But I just want to before we wrap up, I want to talk about the other aspect of expectations. So we talked about once a needs boundaries is really the third like aspect of when we have expectations for our partners. How do you kind of describe that to your clients? How do you talk about boundaries? And then let's talk about how we can implement and really identify what your boundaries even are.
Elizabeth Overstreet:
Yeah, I think boundaries are super important. And again, that is your way of teaching someone how to treat you. And I think why we get sometimes like nervous about boundaries is because of people's reaction to when we set boundaries and that's something I've had to like work on. So like, you know, oftentimes like I've done, I've set my boundary and then the reaction is not what I think. And I'm like, Ooh, did that work? And I had to come to the realization it really wasn't about it working for the other person. It's about working for me. And so I think in a relationship is super important to realize that you may set a boundary, the person may not respond favorably to it, but that's okay because you're giving them indication, you're giving them guardrails of how to operate with you. I also think it's important like not to have an exhaustive list of boundaries because that could be off putting. I think there's balance with everything. I think when you're setting boundaries that as long as you communicate it in a respectful way, that the other piece is holding people accountable, that you you need to own that. Like they they definitely may try to push your boundaries, but it's up to you to like, push them back, you know, and say, no, that's not acceptable. And if they continue to do that, that's another clear sign that they are respecting your boundaries. And that's probably not going to be the best relationship dynamic for you because, again, it's a mutually respectful relationship. A person is going to respect your boundaries. So I think it is important to set them. I think people shouldn't like get nervous that how people respond. A more so thinking of it from this is what I need. This is this is what I'm telling someone treat me. And then the other thing is not assuming that people are always trying to intrude on you're about boundaries. So like, I think it's easy to jump into this assumption thing based on how we would do something, but sometimes people just don't know. They don't know what they don't know. Like Like for something the boundary might be if you lie, I'm out because maybe they had such like experiences where some people lied to them consistently and that led to some very dire situations. Now that may feel like an extreme boundary to somebody. You know, they might be like it was a white lie versus person's. They're like, Nope, you lie. That's my you know, everyone has their thing. So I think boundaries are very personal. You have to think to yourself, like, what's important to me that people respect, you know, what are the guardrails I want to put around me of how people treat me and how they engage with me? You got it. But you need to be clear on that and then enforcing it as well.
Dr. Liz:
Right. And knowing that, yes, a healthy boundary is firm but flexible. And so we can have like if we know what's important to us, we can set it. But there also is times where it might shift a little, just depending on the situation. But as you're saying, you know, a boundary without a consequence is just a suggestion. And so if you set a boundary, but then you're not willing to hold it, there was really no point in you setting it to begin with because now you both are just feeling uncomfortable or annoyed. But there's really it's not actually protecting you in the way it's intended to.
Elizabeth Overstreet:
Yeah. And I mean, again, I'll go back to pets and kids. Like sometimes it's hard. Like as a parent, I can speak to this like you feel bad that your kid is looking set that you set this boundary, but you also set this boundary because you're like, this is for the good of my child. This is going to help my child to do better, right? Or to teach you to go through this experience. I understand they can set boundaries. So I think looking at it from the lens of like this is almost legacy building you're doing, you know, especially if you grew up in a household where you were, you know, you had a role. Everyone has a role in their family, right? And maybe you were the people pleaser or the high achiever or the person who everyone calls when there's a crisis, the like. You just feel this obligation to always do things. You may have been taught not to set these boundaries, but think about the power number one of you being able to do things differently. But also you have children who can watch you, right? And now you can break that pattern that was built in, you know, by the by your you know, how you grew up or how you were raised. So I just think boundaries are, you know, I think that is really key to people hone in on what they need and to your point, firm, but flexible, because sometimes people have an exhausted list of boundaries and that's when I think it can get dangerous or where they're unmovable like impossible relationship.
Dr. Liz:
Yeah, because it's hard to have any kind of collaboration or connection when you are guarded. You know, there is a difference between a wall and a boundary. And so when you are guarded by all of these rules, like just like everybody and then everyone around you is on eggshells and there's a lack of a really healthy boundary is going to create safety because that other person knows what to expect from you. You what you expect from them. Clear is kind. And so when there is a very open conversation around these expectations, then people can feel safe. But when they're done as a wall or they're rigid or they're they are done as a punishment, we've just removed the safety from from the purpose of the boundary, and now we've just made it more punitive, which creates disconnect and rupture versus connection.
Elizabeth Overstreet:
I love that because I feel like they're self self bounds boundaries and there's rigid boundaries, right? And so we know like within a relationship, the rigid one could be like, I don't I'm not going to do infidelity or I'm not going to deal with physical abuse. Right. But a cell phone three could be like, I don't want you to raise your voice when you speak to me. It doesn't mean that if that person does do it, that is over, but you're going to come back to them and say, You know what I told you before? This is one of the things that's important to me that you don't raise your voice or you're speaking to because it makes me feel this way. How do we communicate in a way with that doesn't happen? So I feel like you do have to be flexible because we're again, we're imperfect. You know, there's going to be some imperfections and things that happen along the way for sure.
Dr. Liz:
We're all making mistakes. We're all learning. We're all growing. Absolutely. Elizabeth, thank you so much for hanging out with me and for your insights. Where can everyone find you on social media website?
Elizabeth Overstreet:
Yeah. So if people want to learn more about me. My name is Elizabeth Overstreet. I'm a relationship expert and I focus on helping people build healthy relationships and they can learn more about me at my website at Elizabeth Overstreet dot com and you'll find all my social media handles that work on my website as well. And I always tell people, don't wait to get that to come and see me, though I can do with that too. But like even you just want to make your relationship better or you want to be proactive or you're getting ready to get married. Those, you know, I can certainly help you do like communication hurdles and dealing with boundary settings, you know, things we talked about to help you have that good happy relationship and rewarding relationship.
Dr. Liz:
Yes, absolutely. And your social media is really valuable as well. You post a lot of really helpful things and just cute videos and things that are provide good insight, but then also like provide good ideas for these healthy relationships. So go find her social media as well. Thank you again, Elizabeth. I Really appreciate you hanging out.
Elizabeth Overstreet:
Thank you.
Dr. Liz:
Thanks, Elizabeth, for giving such good advice on how to do better with managing my own expectations. And thank you all for hanging out. Unrelatable Relationship Unfiltered. Make sure to subscribe to our YouTube channel, Sign up for my newsletter and find me on Instagram at Dr. Elizabeth Fedrick.