Relatable podcast
Episode 21: open book sex life with 'and then we had sex' podcast
Dr. Liz hangs out with Kristen Sivills and Jarrod Tanner from the 'And Then We Had Sex' podcast to talk about their open book sex life and all the interesting aspects that come along with hosting a podcast about your own sex life. The comedy couple chats with Dr. Liz about the evolution of their podcast, including their desire to help other couples and individuals feel more comfortable talking about sex. Dr. Liz gives them some insight into attachment styles and how understanding these styles could be beneficial to their show, as well as to their relationship. You won't want to miss this very relatable episode all about normalizing convos about sex.
transcript:
Dr. Liz:
Just like people wouldn't want you guys to be funny all the time, right? Like, if they if they're not close to you.
Kristen Sivills:
Be funny or want to talk about sex all the time. And I don't have a problem talking about it, but sometimes I'm like, I'm too tired to talk about it. But they think that that is what we think about. 24 seven. Yeah, which is hilarious because I'm like, he probably wishes I thought about it, but for something, I think about it. Put him 2 hours, we record and then I got other things to think about. Like I.
Dr. Liz:
Think about it to pay the bills and then we're on the other.
Kristen Sivills:
Things.
Jarrod Tanner:
Yeah, he was going to get it. Not too.
Kristen Sivills:
It's not. It's not as much as he thinks, but.
Dr. Liz:
This is relatable. Relationships, unfiltered. Hey, welcome to Relatable Relationships Unfiltered. Today, I'm hanging out with Kristen and Jerrod, hosts of the extremely popular and hilarious podcast, And Then We Had Sex. We chat about what it's like to talk publicly about your sex life, and they try real hard to get me to join in. All right, guys. So when I asked you to come on, I was going to start this by saying, you know, what's it like to talk about sex for a living? And then I'm like, should I do that, too? So we can definitely, like, connect on that today. But tell, you know, everyone, you guys have this really cool podcast. Give us a little backstory on that.
Kristen Sivills:
Ha Okay, you always want me. It's all very mean.
Jarrod Tanner:
I'll send you. Hi.
Kristen Sivills:
so we have a podcast and then we have sex is the podcast, which always the title always throws everybody off, but it's because everything happened for us. We're married couple everything happened for us after we had sex. Yeah. So is the basis of our life that it's the killer. But we said that in the title.
Jarrod Tanner:
Because we do have it to kill the sponsors.
Kristen Sivills:
But it's so it's just basically us addressing sex in a very casual, open space. I mean, most couples or people in general just talk about sex like, like we're talking right now, but everyone's so scared to say anything out loud. So that's pretty much what it is, I guess.
Dr. Liz:
Yeah. And most people don't talk about sex, which is probably something you guys have realized in what you're doing. Something I realize all the time when I'm working with my clients that you know, whether people are just dating, they've been together forever. They don't talk about sex with each other, which is, you know, causes a lot of issues in the quality of their relationship. Whose idea was this? Like, how did the concept get rolling?
Jarrod Tanner:
Yeah, I.
Kristen Sivills:
Would never have been my ever.
Jarrod Tanner:
I have wanted to do a podcast for years and I wanted to do something that was fun that at the time I thought was original. Originally, we were supposed to do was to interview comedians and talk about this sexcapades on the road and the one thing that I wanted to make sure was that in the beginning, before we got to the comedian, we ended up having about, you know, a 20 to 30 minute banter so that the audience could get used to who we are. Just case we didn't have any comedians on. What happened was through through putting episodes out, that banter that we had in the beginning started to really outshine the comedians that we were having on and want to hear more and more about us. And it just kind of took on a life of its own from there.
Kristen Sivills:
Yeah.
Dr. Liz:
So it just evolved from what's the face person? Is there more? Is there more to the story?
Kristen Sivills:
I just knew that that we were just going to be talking to other people and then it was like, No, but what do you in a bit, what do you do? And I was like, I didn't know. I didn't know.
Dr. Liz:
You didn't sign up for all this? Yeah.
Kristen Sivills:
Yeah. I got pushed into it.
Jarrod Tanner:
So that's seeing it pushed into it. Okay. When you second act every day.
Dr. Liz:
You didn't get punched in the shit.
Jarrod Tanner:
Yeah, exactly. Jump on it.
Dr. Liz:
So what was it like for you guys when you first started it? Like, I guess talking that openly, You know, obviously when you're with your friends bantering, stuff like that, but like to be like, shit, this is everyone's hearing this. What was that like?
Jarrod Tanner:
Well, that was the.
Kristen Sivills:
Yeah, it was uncomfortable for me at first. I was like, well, I also got out of a relationship where we I mean, we had sex, but we didn't talk about what we wanted in sex though, to all of a sudden get in a relationship and then a marriage where it's very open. I was getting comfortable doing it in the relationship first. So then it was like, dude, a relationship. But also let's talk to other people about it. So it was like a lot happening at one time. Like I was trying to get my footing just in the place I was in my life, period.
Jarrod Tanner:
And then so she got drunk a lot, basically. Yeah, in front of friends. I mean, honestly, the first couple of episode, well, while the first maybe most of most 1770 or so, 1780. So we up until the pandemic, actually we had an audience basically about friends and a bunch of bottles of liquor and every Thursday night we would they would come over to our house and we would drink and talk shit about sex and relationships. And that made it that much more comfortable because even though we were broadcasting it, we had an audience of seven or eight that was right there and given us an initial feedback while we were.
Dr. Liz:
Okay, which would make it fun. I mean, they're laughing, you're getting like feedback on what you're talking about, things like that. So yeah, make it feel so dry. What was it like? Would you talk openly about sex prior? Like, was that.
Jarrod Tanner:
I listen, I well, I come from my whole background. I.
Kristen Sivills:
I just want to make sure you look and we know how she we just he was like a some of us.
Jarrod Tanner:
Yeah. Yeah. You know, like sex was sex was my thing, man. Is my thing. I've always been comfortable, but it's been since I was a kid. My mother. I remember when I was about five years old, she opened up the science book and broke down what sex was, what it was about, you know, and made me feel old. She was very open with me, so I was always open when it came to sex or doing a show about sex is like whatever, you know.
Dr. Liz:
Was it was it not talked about as much? Because this is an interesting point, because this comes of my clients a lot. You know, the the culture of their home around sex growing up often influences your willingness to talk about it. Or if there was a lot of shame around it. So did you was your home more like conservative or reserved?
Kristen Sivills:
So it wasn't my home wasn't conservative. I just I don't know, like I have all brothers and I have an older sister that's like older. She'd been out of the house, like I'm always going around my brother. So everything they wouldn't talk to me about sex because I was the only girl. So it wasn't something that, like my parents, if I ask the questions, they would answer them. But I just wouldn't ask the questions if that meant anything. And I knew different things about myself that felt like I felt like I was overly sexual, but I didn't really have anyone to go to and be like. Like my brothers don't want to hear about me, me like ya'll. So what about this look this like, like, right? And even my friends, like, we joke about stuff, but I, they, they come to me more about sex stuff now that the podcast started because we never really went in-depth about that kind of stuff either.
Jarrod Tanner:
So yeah, ambient group chat was try not at all the girls group chats with like all girls. That's what I did last night know.
Kristen Sivills:
It was all like surface level. Like, who are you dating? How did they fuck up? Because they usually did. And then that's when.
Dr. Liz:
But not how did they fuck.
Kristen Sivills:
Just like that. You want that? It looks like too much and we'll talk about that. But yeah, it was just we just didn't talk about it.
Dr. Liz:
What what do you how do you think it's benefited your guys's sex life, being able to talk like, does it translate over when you guys are talking about it openly?
Kristen Sivills:
I think there's two ways I look at it. So there's one where I feel like we talk about it so much that by the end of the night I personally am like, I don't want to do anything that has anything I want to talk about it. I want to see how it backfires.
Dr. Liz:
And.
Kristen Sivills:
Nothing like at, please don't touch me like nothing. But then in the beginning it was like we I mean, we know how to get there. It's not always romantic sometimes, because now we know that. The secret points. Chico Yeah, we know she codes. So. So that could be harmful.
Jarrod Tanner:
Yeah. You know, it's so crazy that she said earlier how in our relationship, in our actual relationship, we were testing the boundaries of being open as far as the things that we wanted in our relationship. And we want it sexually and it just kind of happens where the podcast kind of paralleled that. So if you if you have a listener you've been listening since day one, you can get a glimpse of how weird discovering things about each other as a podcast went on. Now it's not like that because you know, we don't know at all. Yeah, exactly, exactly. But yeah, it was, it was a strange parallel for a while about our sex lives in the in the bedroom and our sex life on broadcast on the podcast. So, yeah.
Dr. Liz:
Do you guys ever get jealous when especially because. Right. You'll be talking about like a lot of your whole life and it's not like for you, is that like, does that ever bother you?
Kristen Sivills:
It did in the beginning and the I guess because we were still semi new with everything. So in the beginning it did. Now I've gotten to the point where I'm so numb to it that and I'm like, we're broadcast everywhere at this point. Everybody got to know you're married if you can't really hide from, you know what I mean? If you wanted to sneak around, somebody probably won't tell me. But I'm not hip, so I don't. And I'm very confident myself. And I realized that a lot of that came from my insecurities. I came out of a relationship where I wasn't insecure and came into this one with someone that knew everybody literally and biblically, but.
Dr. Liz:
Inside and out.
Kristen Sivills:
In trying it out. I wasn't confident in myself, but now I'm it doesn't bother me anymore because I'm like, I know what I can bring at least for kids.
Dr. Liz:
So that's like two fold when it comes to the jealousy, because he's talking about I saw it like, I'm sure you guys have seen a meme that said or no, maybe it was a comedian that said something about like talking about your sex or what you like in bed is weird, right? Because it's like, how do you know what you like in bed? Except that you did it with someone else, right? And so that's what you're bring in. So I could see that being a source of jealousy. But then also like how open you guys are about it. Like that probably gives people like they probably feel more comfortable slipping in the DM saying stuff to you guys because they think like, that's just what you guys talk about.
Kristen Sivills:
That hasn't happened as much to me as I would think that.
Dr. Liz:
You would like.
Kristen Sivills:
Yeah, I, I for some reason in my head I was like, this is probably going to happen like all the time. I've gotten people that I am scared of that have hit me up or I'm like, that feels unsafe. That doesn't you don't even want to have a conversation about this. That's just weird. But I know it's not, as I think a lot of people think. It's like all the time. It doesn't happen to me. I don't know. What about.
Dr. Liz:
You? Around.
Jarrod Tanner:
Na na na na na na.
Dr. Liz:
Not at.
Kristen Sivills:
All. Imagine you don't know Bhadra. You got.
Dr. Liz:
Also very. How do you guys decide what you're going to talk about?
Kristen Sivills:
I don't. I just show up. He does the actual work. I don't do any work. Just like, what are we doing?
Jarrod Tanner:
It's a week long process, you know, just going through the well, the show, the it's not just a sex podcast, but it's it's a full it's our life. It's free. It's become our life. So, you know, the PI has really broken down in three paws. The first part is just catching up with us and how our how our week spent in our new thoughts and everything that can go anywhere from sex to family. And then the next part is trying to touch on parts of of relationships, relationships and sex. And then we just go into regular.
Kristen Sivills:
Whatever has.
Jarrod Tanner:
Been. Yeah, whatever is going on hot topics. A lot.
Kristen Sivills:
Of the times it's whatever news related articles related to the relationships.
Jarrod Tanner:
I think right, right. You know, so with those three things, I'm constantly pulling pulling material for the podcast. So by the time we come around to record, we have a shitload of stuff just to pick from, you know, usually we never do all of the topics like.
Kristen Sivills:
Yeah.
Dr. Liz:
Do you ever get like, feel like, I have no idea what we should talk about our what's new, what's fresh, what?
Kristen Sivills:
Yes, that was a fear for me. I was like, How do we just. There are other sex podcasts that are out. I'm like, I just don't understand how like, have you run out of your whole stories? Like, I don't ask him, Are there more that I haven't heard everything? We're almost 200 episodes in and I'm like, Go, don't do that. I know you got something for that. And I rely on him. I didn't have that.
Jarrod Tanner:
Well, it's twofold. You know, one part is, yeah, you, you, you, you rehearse, not rehearse, but you do all of the stories that you have had in your life, but you're also looking for new experiences. So you take those new experiences. And now that is a story. Now, you know, a lot of my stories in our whole stories, they're our stories.
Kristen Sivills:
That's his way of saying we invited a threesome and then we could talk about them, you know?
Jarrod Tanner:
So I was even going to create memories, you know. But that's that's also why we made the show in those parts, so that it can also be topical so that we always have something that we can talk about and just pull from my experiences to, you know, get give the audience something interesting to listen to. Yeah.
Dr. Liz:
Kristen Do you guys ever pull from your stories like.
Kristen Sivills:
Yeah, we have time. Yeah, whatever we created on the road we have, we have talked about those. Sometimes I think he just wants to grab a three so disregards it like it feels like I feel like a dry week. I think we should go do that.
Jarrod Tanner:
So the sad part when we're when we're doing stuff like that, in my mind, I'm like, I can't wait to talk about this. It's like, we got to get this, this concept. Yeah.
Kristen Sivills:
There.
Dr. Liz:
That's so funny. Do you guys ever worry about, like, what your exes are like.
Kristen Sivills:
I did in the beginning, but now I know we're married and got kids and that this. But I'm not as concerned as him here. He's the one. I'm like, Do you want to tell the story? Like, she'll get sued. Like, it's going to happen because I don't have as many. I don't have I don't I don't think I dated people like that. Were they.
Dr. Liz:
Like that?
Kristen Sivills:
Yeah.
Dr. Liz:
They like that.
Kristen Sivills:
I don't know. That will come back to bite me like, Yeah, radio and everything. And I'm like, I don't know what you did there on radio, but you might want to make sure.
Jarrod Tanner:
You are right. Nah, I mean, I never say I never say names and rarely do I give years. I'll give a round about. This was my college years. This was after college or something like that. But I never pinpoint the time so that anybody that I'm talking about, no one would know except them. But and I think at this point, you know, I know the exes that follow me still on social media, they have had to see the videos. I'm sure her exes have seen all of the videos in Eclipse by now as well. So it's a situation where it's like, whatever, like this is just our life. We marry.
Kristen Sivills:
B he probably want them to see him.
Dr. Liz:
He's trying real bad.
Jarrod Tanner:
That would be kind of cool. Like my ex listens to the podcast. that would be dope. Like an avid fan, he's like, my God, I used to suck your dick. Now I listen to you every week. Like, that would be amazing.
Dr. Liz:
You can, you know, whatever. And then you guys do your live events, do that. And I got to come see that a few months ago. That was a lot of fun. You guys have like, your participation, like you know, the people, the audience participation, part of those ideas. And like, tell us a little bit about that.
Kristen Sivills:
man. We have a couple of games. For one, we mostly do it because there's so many people that listen to podcasts that just want to be sitting there in like involves some kind of way as a way to just get people to come and do stuff with us and just have a good time. But we used to have a co-host in the beginning and her name was Taylor, and Taylor came up with I think one of the games when I.
Jarrod Tanner:
Went to.
Kristen Sivills:
Two of the games for us, we just kind of pulled her in because we know who's doing it, but then we have a game at the end that we did in the beginning called Honestly with Bay, where we would just have people send questions to us that we usually cause a divorce for somebody else, and then we would write our asses on whiteboards and show each other the answers for the first time. And that's usually everybody's favorite because usually we're on the tipping point by the end of the game. But it's just it's another way to interact with us or just see how many like minded people there are, right?
Jarrod Tanner:
Yeah, right. And just to give people a taste that this is real, this is for real, you know, like, that's my favorite part. The audience gets to ask us questions because they're coming up with the worst shit that you can think of, and they give it to us and we just like, okay, this is what it is. And it just shows in my
Kristen Sivills:
You can react the different way all so not get mad and everything. Right?
Jarrod Tanner:
Exactly, exactly. And you know, this couple is real. This is I'm invest in my time is something that's real, you know.
Dr. Liz:
So I think that was probably like one of my favorite parts you guys show and the audience would, like yell something out. You guys are like, would ask stuff. You guys were just like, so quick with your responses and so just fucking funny. Like, you're not even, like, missing a minute. It's and I think that's so fun for them, right? Because then they do get to see like even your podcast, stuff like that, that it's not, it's not real, it's, it's not fake. It's not all these things that to you guys are.
Kristen Sivills:
Yeah. A lot of people I think get can see like they're surprised by that. I've heard so many people just be like they're actually nice in person or they're actually just as funny in person. It's like, Yeah, we don't write this down. We don't have time. We only have time to get in a couple of minutes. My kids are away and recorded and then, you know, like it's like the same thing every single time. Like you.
Dr. Liz:
Is it your full time career then? This is why, like for both of you.
Jarrod Tanner:
Yeah.
Dr. Liz:
When did it transition into that?
Kristen Sivills:
I, I was working in insurance and doing comedy at the same time and I stopped just to do comedy itself probably.
Jarrod Tanner:
Four years ago.
Kristen Sivills:
Or might have been more than that. Well, baby, I like to be five. Yeah, about five. It was before I got pregnant, right? You're pregnant? I was pregnant. Okay.
Jarrod Tanner:
Yeah. You got fired.
Kristen Sivills:
Five. Is that all right? There it goes. Yeah. So I voluntarily stepped out to a full time.
Jarrod Tanner:
Which I supported her wholeheartedly.
Kristen Sivills:
And then he was also like, Well, this isn't going anywhere. Let's start a podcast. So it's probably been about six years. And he was also doing some other stuff on the side, so you probably stopped.
Jarrod Tanner:
Yeah, I haven't worked the 9 to 5 and almost a decade, so.
Kristen Sivills:
wow.
Jarrod Tanner:
Longer.
Kristen Sivills:
It's always been like creative jobs. Yeah, but I mean, like they made money. Like, not like, I got dreams of doing. Not like that.
Jarrod Tanner:
But like I was always able to pay rent. Yeah, a lot of times that was all I was able to pay for. But, you know, rent was always secure and that was just that to me is the best life to live, you know?
Kristen Sivills:
That must be nice. I had a child for a long time, so. Yeah, it has been.
Dr. Liz:
Like that for you,
Kristen Sivills:
Yeah, I was.
Jarrod Tanner:
I had a child, too.
Kristen Sivills:
Yeah. Wow. Support really is the lone caretaker of mine. So a lot of the times I couldn't just stop. Like, I had to have the insurance job, and I couldn't just, like, do comedy. And. But once we got married and established, like, I felt comfortable. Yeah. Pursuing this dream.
Jarrod Tanner:
But in the podcast gives us both a lifeline into the things that we're trying to, you know, accomplish outside of the podcast. So yeah.
Kristen Sivills:
Right.
Dr. Liz:
Yeah. Does your any of your friends or family ever give you shit about like, does everyone get embarrassed or is there been shaming around it? Like if you guys had a hard time with that?
Kristen Sivills:
I did in the beginning. Really? Yeah, I did. Around my wedding time, around my wedding, I said some things that I probably shouldn't have said about, like my friends that I've been friends with for years. And honestly, I can't even remember what I said. I'm not even allowed to. But people were not talking to me for a while because it was just everywhere. And these are friends that I've had for over 20 years and I can't I can't remember what I said, but it was just me forgetting that the whole thing that you're sitting there and you just talk in a drunk and you just whatever. So that happened like in the beginning, but now.
Dr. Liz:
So it wasn't necessarily about what, like you guys talking about sex. It was something you said about your friends.
Kristen Sivills:
I said something about my bachelorette party, I think. Yeah. And I was just talking shit. But yeah, it's over now. But I think that was it. But other than that, no, everyone's just like, I think my family has probably looked at it and been like, That's wild that you just plastering that all over. It's on Facebook, you know, that's the only place family really makes for that. They see it all the time.
Dr. Liz:
You guys process stuff on Facebook?
Kristen Sivills:
Yes. my.
Jarrod Tanner:
God. Facebook is actually the biggest. Took us off like Facebook.
Dr. Liz:
You got like banned or whatever happened on Tik Tok. But Facebook is like, cool. Let's hear more about the Dick Facebook.
Kristen Sivills:
He's got half a million. Follow us on Facebook because of the fucking podcast. That's it blew my mind. I was like, wait a minute, what?
Jarrod Tanner:
And Tik Tok. Our videos still go crazy on Tik Tok. It's just we can't post we can't post.
Kristen Sivills:
Other people can post them all the words.
Dr. Liz:
Okay, So let's talk about that from a stigma standpoint. So like, is that the only platform that's happened thus far?
Kristen Sivills:
Yes.
Dr. Liz:
And did they say specifically what you all did?
Jarrod Tanner:
So no.
Dr. Liz:
so what happened?
Kristen Sivills:
Stuff just kept getting removed. Like if we left a certain word in there and it'd be like you sounds removed and then you kept getting bar lations and then we were locked that article out for a while. Like, I think that passed somehow. Yeah. And I tried to log back in and it said that this is, it's been deleted.
Jarrod Tanner:
Or whatever and I'm talking about we, I took out all the words, all the words and it was still a problem. But there'll be another video of us where everything, everything.
Kristen Sivills:
That somebody else posted.
Jarrod Tanner:
Getting thousands and thousands of fucking likes and all that action is like, whatever.
Kristen Sivills:
You know.
Dr. Liz:
Very interesting. What's the theory around the conspiracy? Do either of you have one?
Jarrod Tanner:
Yeah. no, I.
Kristen Sivills:
Started posting them on my personal takes out and I don't have that many followers. I was like, I'm just going to see if they run through. And he started editing them and they were going and I have no idea. I thought at first I thought it was sex talk. And then I saw people spelling sex a different way or doing all the things to get around it. And I have no idea. I don't even care.
Jarrod Tanner:
Yeah, it's I honestly think that there's a wanted poster and Tik tok, and if we post anything, they got our faces.
Kristen Sivills:
Like, Nah, not bad.
Jarrod Tanner:
Not bad.
Kristen Sivills:
Not though.
Dr. Liz:
Everybody. Well, and so with that stigma around it, like, what type of feedback do you guys get from? So obviously people think you guys are hilarious what you are, but I know there's also more value to what you guys are providing, especially to long like whether it's been long term relationships or committed couples. What type of feedback do you guys get around that?
Jarrod Tanner:
man.
Kristen Sivills:
All kinds of stuff. We have couples that come to our live shows that have been married for like 40, 30, 50 years. Like all kinds of people come to the park. I get a lot of DMS about people that are scared to have these conversations or people that'll say, I'll send my video, some of you my significant other, and see if they can answer the question. It's opened up more conversation for us because y'all are talking about this and you're making it funny and it's relatable and it's like really, you know, I mean, like it's something that we can just talk about, like we get a lot of those or people that are like, because I talk about we talk about a little bit of everything and I talk about my depression and anxiety or just being a mother. And then I get people that relate to those things. Yeah, yeah. Like it's, it's I don't I get a lot of I've gotten a lot of good feedback. I'm also like, I went through a period where all the men hated me too, just because I was a smart ass and I was funny and they didn't know I was a comic and they just thought I was a bitch. So I get a lot of those or men that are like, you won't let the woman talk to you like that? Yeah, yeah, he's fine.
Dr. Liz:
Yeah, that's really well. And that's how we got connected. Our mutual friend, he, like, a long time ago. I guess that was my last year. Sometime that he had connected us on Instagram because and using Relatable made me think of that because that was like, the big thing was he's like, You guys are having these same conversations which are allowing other people to have these same conversations. And that is such a big thing for me, whether it's with with my clients or whether it's through the show. Is that normalizing like that? This is part of life and it's a beautiful part of life that is just shame.
Kristen Sivills:
It literally produces life in this. Like people just go all the way around that like you got here because of this. Like your parents were fucking like, it's a thing.
Jarrod Tanner:
Grandma was fucking.
Kristen Sivills:
Dead. Maybe not all of everybody is.
Dr. Liz:
Going.
Jarrod Tanner:
To.
Dr. Liz:
Like.
Kristen Sivills:
Something that everyone does, and everyone is like scared to talk about it and I don't understand why. Like what?
Dr. Liz:
What have you guys heard or the like? Do people give you feedback around that, why they're afraid to talk about it?
Kristen Sivills:
And you never talked about.
Jarrod Tanner:
Yeah, they just never talk and you know, for me it's not even because the sex and the relationship portion, that's what we kind of plaster out there to the world. But it's for me, it's the ones with like the mental health conversations and, you know, the family conversations. Those are the ones that I love receiving because it's letting us know, Hey, you're really listening. You're taking time out to really engage with us, you know, and we're leaving some type of mark one on.
Kristen Sivills:
You to me is not is not even that. I think it's it it's good to know that we have lives behind just talking about to this next like and I think it that normalizes everything too it's like these are real people and they care about their family and they go through things, but also they can freely talk about how they what they did or how they wanted. You know what I mean? Like right. Or what they actually want or what they like or not afraid to speak up about that kind of thing. Like, I think that that's I think that's great. I think just being able to know there are real people behind these things instead of only just talking about that like.
Dr. Liz:
And I think that's that's the biggest thing is that you guys are real and that, you know, that's for me that's like that. I'm human first, so I'm a therapist, but I'm a human first. And so I would imagine when people start talking to you guys about these things, they're like, okay, they're not just doing it through the lens of comedy or through the lens of like trying to get a reaction. Yeah, but like, there's this whole other piece of them. Yeah. The complexity of that, which then gives people, you know, normalizes, that gives them the space to have those conversations and.
Jarrod Tanner:
That makes it easier to talk about things like.
Kristen Sivills:
So do people just want you to understand their problems at all times, every time you talk to them in any situation, like in.
Dr. Liz:
Any capacity.
Kristen Sivills:
Like if they find out, you're like, what?
Dr. Liz:
Well, for sure. Dating. That's something I talk about a lot. That's like that is like constantly like first dates and I would ask people that. So Melissa, our executive producer, she when we were just in Dubai, she was texting with her sister because their sister was on the apps and stuff. And I'm like, okay, well, ask them this, ask her this, ask her this because I'm like trying to get the sense of, am I the one where people are asking these crazy? Or they're like, why are you telling me these things? So yes, in a lot of different settings they do. But the people I surround myself with so my close friends, Melissa Tremaine, Max Richard, like, yeah, no, they don't put, they don't put that on me. Like I'm very selective with the people I surround myself with in that way. Yeah, because otherwise, Yeah, for sure. I mean.
Kristen Sivills:
Yeah, my. Sister, just like people wouldn't want you guys to be funny all the time, right? Like if they, if they're not close to you. Be funny or want to talk about sex all the time. And I don't have a problem talking about it, but sometimes I'm like, I'm kind of tired of talking about it. But they think that that is what we think about. 24 seven. Yeah, which is hilarious because I'm like, he probably wishes I thought about it, but I don't think about it. Put him 2 hours, we record and then I got other things like to.
Dr. Liz:
Think about it, to pay the bills and then we're on the other things.
Kristen Sivills:
Yeah, he was.
Jarrod Tanner:
Going to get it. Not too.
Kristen Sivills:
It's not. It's not as much as he thinks, but like, okay, so I didn't want to know about that. I know. What did you want to ask you?
Jarrod Tanner:
Damn right I want to ask you this.
Dr. Liz:
come on now.
Jarrod Tanner:
So you.
Kristen Sivills:
Don't want to.
Jarrod Tanner:
Talk about it. And so there's an episode that I want to tackle because I found the topic so interesting, and I said, Before I do it, I must talk to you about it. Okay. Attachment styles.
Kristen Sivills:
Yes.
Jarrod Tanner:
Can you break down attachment styles in 12 words?
Dr. Liz:
This is so much easier than talking about having sex with your friends. So yes, absolutely. We can do this massages. I'm like, What are you going to say? What are you going to say?
Kristen Sivills:
Well.
Dr. Liz:
I'm like raising myself.
Jarrod Tanner:
Listen, So they don't edit. So I might add some more questions that.
Kristen Sivills:
I'm going to chair like.
Dr. Liz:
So attachment styles, I don't know if I can do in 12 words, but I will do it as briefly as I can. But essentially our interactions with our primary caregivers starting in infancy and then throughout toddler childhood and then adolescence, those interactions set the stage for how we attach in our adult adult relationships. So whether you're a caregiver is warm, attentive, nurturing, they're consistent and showing up for you, or if they're abusive, they're chaotic, volatile, or if they're neglectful. So physically or emotionally neglectful, those consistent interactions set the stage for what you come to expect out of your adult relationships, because it's what you come to believe is normal. And so it's what you that it's like this is just the norm. That's what I expect. And the brain is designed to be drawn to what's familiar. So when that attachment style gets set, so there's the avoidant anxious, the disorganized and then secure, and that's the way that we show up when we're feeling in a threat state. So if we're feeling afraid of abandonment or rejection or feeling angry, whether we withdraw so the avoidant or we fawn and we're like trying to fix it, fix it, fix it, that's the anxious and the disorganized vacillates between like sometimes it's like, come here, get closer now. No, go away. And then secure is kind of like, okay, let's talk about this. Let's be mature. Not a whole lot of those going on. And so that is like those are the four styles. And then that, you know, shows up in how you guys relate. And that's actually an interesting topic because now I want to kind of here are you each feel like you show up.
Jarrod Tanner:
Yeah exactly. Exactly.
Kristen Sivills:
I feel like I learned something about myself in that.
Jarrod Tanner:
Exactly. We're going to talk about that on one of our Patriot episodes.
Kristen Sivills:
I think that I, I think I have just a very anxious I'm very am I? And I'm learning to I've had to learn to be secure. I think I'm there now, but I think the stage was set for me to be very anxious and just want to fix and do. And he and he would note you would know that too, right? Yeah. I want to fix everything. I want to do all the things. I want to be here. I want to be everywhere and not pay attention to like I've grown now to be a little bit more like. All right, sit down. Let's. What are we doing right this? How can we go about this? Like.
Jarrod Tanner:
Yeah, I was I was heavily, heavily nurtured. However, I was let down often. So those two things mix, you know? Yeah. I find myself looking for a nurturer.
Kristen Sivills:
There's a big ass baby.
Jarrod Tanner:
But also I find myself not trusting someone to do what they said they were going to do. Because you do. And I was let down so much as a as a adolescent.
Kristen Sivills:
That's also. That's very, very true.
Jarrod Tanner:
Yeah. Wow. Yeah.
Dr. Liz:
So do you seek it out? And then if, like, Kristen tries to provide it or are there times you'll push her away because you don't trust that she'll be consistent?
Kristen Sivills:
I got an example.
Dr. Liz:
good. Let's hear it.
Kristen Sivills:
So today, it's not even nasty. It's regular.
Dr. Liz:
Don't be nasty. We can talk about his for pain.
Kristen Sivills:
So today he tried to cut off his little cast. Right? And he was given to pair some big scissors. And I tried to cut it off with both pairs of scissors. One of them was dull. And then he was like, Let me see it. And he grabbed the dull one. He said, Let me do it. And I said, That's not going to work. Use the other one. It's sharper. I had just used him 2 seconds before Kristen give me that. Had had to give him scissors, took the dole, scissors couldn't cut shit. Then he used the ones. I told him to you and they cut right through. But that happens every day. I think he.
Dr. Liz:
Doesn't trust.
Kristen Sivills:
Them. Anything that I wouldn't know what I'm talking about because he has to run through it himself to be like, Let me. I know that I'm right. Like, I don't think that what you're telling me is something I can.
Jarrod Tanner:
Really and it's not a thing about being right or wrong. I don't care what's in the thing.
Dr. Liz:
What?
Jarrod Tanner:
It's not trusting.
Kristen Sivills:
I know their paths. I just.
Jarrod Tanner:
I just don't trust anyone. I don't know. I don't trust anyone to a certain extent. I think I trust her more than I trust anybody. And that says a whole lot. Yeah, but I can count on you.
Kristen Sivills:
Trying to do.
Jarrod Tanner:
Is I can not count on two hands. I'm with you. I mean, people I really trust. But on a day to day basis, my natural instinct is to not trust in small and large situations.
Dr. Liz:
And so then Kristen, when he demonstrates that and I was going to say we but maybe he's not a wee thing, I can see it's coming from a place of fear, right? Like he's afraid of being let down. But does that activate then your anxious attachment, like do you?
Kristen Sivills:
I want to do everything to prove to him that I know what I'm talking about and I want to fix it instead of being like, or instead of letting him try and fail. If that is better, I'm just like, No, I know how to. It's fine. I got it. It's. Yeah.
Dr. Liz:
Which is really kind of what he needs then, because you're you're trying to I mean, it can definitely go to an extreme, but you're trying to prove to him like, Here, let me show you I'm trustworthy. A big part of like changing attachment styles is so it's doing the internal work. So it's, you know, going to therapy, it's doing your healing. But then it also the other half is external work. And that external work is when you have a safe partner, someone who can show up for you consistently like nobody's perfect, but they can be consistent. And so, you know, when Kristen is trying to do those things for you and you're out, you're saying like out of most people, she's who you can trust. It's because she's created what we call, like an evidence log. So you have all of these pieces of evidence to prove that people aren't trustworthy. And Kristen is trying to give you all this evidence to show that she is. But because it's not familiar to you, you're kind of like, nope, nope, nope, you know, like tossing it away So you can start like, being really cognizant of that, like, shit, She tried to cut off my cast for me and then she's telling me that's the wrong one and she's really looking out for me. You can start to store that away. And then it's like, okay, no, I have evidence that this bitch is safe.
Kristen Sivills:
Yes, but yeah.
Jarrod Tanner:
See, I know. I knew I had to bring it to. Aren't you excited to talk about this?
Kristen Sivills:
Look, now I have to ask the call you more.
Dr. Liz:
Was like, y'all need to bring me onto this episode.
Kristen Sivills:
Yeah, honestly, we. Yeah, we were talking about that too. Yes, You have to schedule this out, so.
Dr. Liz:
You would love that. What would you guys like? What brought this up for you to your friend? my friend.
Kristen Sivills:
Yeah, well, I'm mutual.
Jarrod Tanner:
Friend, you know, to want it to be anyway.
Dr. Liz:
Yeah, I know.
Kristen Sivills:
What is crazy. How cool said that. Why? I don't even want to.
Dr. Liz:
Know what color I'm turning.
Jarrod Tanner:
You. About the same color as a relatable side.
Dr. Liz:
I my. Anyway, back to attachment styles.
Kristen Sivills:
Yeah.
Dr. Liz:
Now look at Melissa's saying she's the one and you will too. She loves to put this shit on the real OC.
Jarrod Tanner:
Yeah, but yeah. So he hit me too, because I had never heard of it. From there I was like, I want to bring this to the masses, but I was scared to do it because I wanted to do it justice, because it's such a profound insight on like just the inner person and how it can connect with you and other people.
Kristen Sivills:
And how you how you react to relate to people that impacts the people you attract.
Jarrod Tanner:
Like this sound. It sounded so like the beginning pieces of something much.
Kristen Sivills:
Bigger that people don't understand.
Jarrod Tanner:
Right? Right. So I wanted to bring it out there. So for you to be up there, that will be amazing. We have to schedule out like most definitely, yeah.
Dr. Liz:
Well then that's like full circle because that's how he hit on me was bringing that topic up.
Kristen Sivills:
So get out of here.
Dr. Liz:
Like full circle.
Jarrod Tanner:
What? This doesn't run game on me.
Kristen Sivills:
To.
Dr. Liz:
Know I.
Kristen Sivills:
Love. You, buddy. He had just so Chris had just introduced him to the theory of it. SCHAFFER You know, like around probably within weeks of me meeting him. And so then we met at a lunch for work, and he was like, hold up. And so he started going through it. This is his story. I mean, you know, and he started going through like my content and found it. And so then that's how he reached out. He was like, Hey, I've been, you know, learning more about this topic. I was wondering if we could talk about it. I'm like, hard to, though. I wasn't even like, guessing. And I was like, sure, yeah. You thought you was a therapist. You got me. He got you.
Jarrod Tanner:
That's a going.
Dr. Liz:
Yes. So I would love to do that. That would be a lot of fun.
Kristen Sivills:
Yeah.
Jarrod Tanner:
Most definitely. The most definitely. Man.
Dr. Liz:
So Melissa wants to know if you guys as moms listen to the podcast.
Kristen Sivills:
So I heard that.
Jarrod Tanner:
My mother does.
Kristen Sivills:
I've heard my aunt does. I don't really want to talk about them. I'm a little traumatized, but if.
Dr. Liz:
I'm listening or for.
Kristen Sivills:
What I've heard, that they've listened and I don't know. My mom has told me her friends from high school, Listen, my mom is 61 and I just yeah, it's yeah, that's a lot. But no, not.
Dr. Liz:
Comfortable for you.
Kristen Sivills:
In a way, but not honestly at this point. I think they're saying that there's a living being made from it, so they can't say that so much. His parents have been to a live show, so.
Jarrod Tanner:
No, my father. My father has his.
Kristen Sivills:
His mom and his, like aunts and uncles have been there. Yeah. Yeah.
Jarrod Tanner:
Whole family. So it's not a big deal. Even though the podcast, knowing that my mother listens, that is uncomfortable.
Dr. Liz:
No.
Jarrod Tanner:
It's not.
Dr. Liz:
Listen, it's like regularly.
Jarrod Tanner:
I, I think so. I think she listens regularly and that's, that's a little uncomfortable because.
Kristen Sivills:
Found that.
Jarrod Tanner:
Out the podcast is where you know we just kind of let loose our feelings and you know, it's just like, yeah, I try not to think about it because I never wanted to interact with my, my, my position on the show. Yeah, but there are some times where she'll bring up some shit and I just got to ignore it. Like, no, she didn't just say that from this last fucking episode that we did. The fact she.
Dr. Liz:
Yeah. Can get a little passive aggressive.
Jarrod Tanner:
Not even passive aggressive, just in natural conversation. She'll just bring something up. okay. And I'll just be like, What the. Okay.
Dr. Liz:
Well, because it's the concern beyond even just them listening about your sex life, which is weird in and of itself. But is it do you guys talk about your life? Do so you ever like talking about those type of things? Like.
Jarrod Tanner:
Much like we usually don't talk about parents, but yeah, even even a sex life like anyone. My mother know how much of a freak out was. Like I was happy with her knowing that I was a freak, you know?
Kristen Sivills:
And I was about to say, I think she knew that. Yeah. Like, but that's the thing.
Jarrod Tanner:
Like, there's one thing to know. A person is a freak. It's another thing to know that person as every night.
Kristen Sivills:
Yeah. Like, that's.
Jarrod Tanner:
That's a.
Kristen Sivills:
Different.
Dr. Liz:
Kristen And tell us more.
Kristen Sivills:
If he does obviously I.
Dr. Liz:
Look but fair your point is taken that she doesn't you know wait so then you guys are just like eating dinner and she's like by the way I heard last night on your podcast.
Jarrod Tanner:
Just ran. We'll be right in the car and she'll say something like.
Kristen Sivills:
Saying a text message, you know.
Jarrod Tanner:
Like, we'll be right in the car together and she'll say something on it. Yeah, that was crazy. And it won't ever be about anything serious. It'll be real nonchalant, like, that was crazy how Cameron did that. I didn't tell you. Cameron did that podcast.
Kristen Sivills:
We didn't have to tell.
Jarrod Tanner:
You how, you know, and yeah.
Dr. Liz:
Got it. Yeah. That could get real awkward real quick.
Jarrod Tanner:
Yeah, man.
Dr. Liz:
Does it When you guys do family gatherings, the like. Does it, do you guys like do they give you a hard time like tease you and stuff. Not necessarily.
Kristen Sivills:
No. No, not as much. I get uncomfortable when they only because I think part of it is because it's my job now. So it's like sometimes I'm just like, I just don't want to talk about my job. Like I want to be able to have a day off the job and do the things and not have to talk to you about anything that happens with. The Jay About what we talked about, about what what the business of the job is about anything like I just don't like talking about it.
Jarrod Tanner:
Yeah, I had I had an uncle I was doing I was doing my cousin's wedding, I was hosting my cousin's wedding and my uncle came up to me. He was like, Hey, man, I see you are doing this. And he spoke to me for about 45 minutes about the business of the podcast, and it was just like.
Kristen Sivills:
Now I won't talk about that.
Jarrod Tanner:
I don't want to one none of this shit. I just want to be regular old me, you know? And I think I think a lot of it is just because people are proud of us. Yeah. sure. We've been doing entertainment now for shit all of our lives. Like we are. Yeah, about this shit. So, you know, the fact that we're doing something that's actually taken off, I think is just family being proud. But it can get very annoying. Yeah, yeah.
Dr. Liz:
Yeah, yeah. And what about your kids? Because you, you have two teens are one teen.
Kristen Sivills:
We have to teach now, you know, And then the twins are five.
Dr. Liz:
So do you ever worry that your teens like, do they hear it or do their friends hear it like, does that.
Kristen Sivills:
So our daughter she's had a couple of videos come up on TikTok again, videos we did not post.
Jarrod Tanner:
Or.
Kristen Sivills:
Come up on her for you page but I'm I'm I'm very real because it's not for her. I don't know why but we are very open with our kids like like she's talked to me about all kinds of stuff like but she doesn't have any interest to be like, I want to go watch this. I want to go listen to this whole thing because we're still parents. At the end of the day, I don't. I don't.
Jarrod Tanner:
That's nasty.
Kristen Sivills:
Yeah, I don't feel that that fear of like she's going to be so interested and she's going to want to see everything. I know that.
Dr. Liz:
Well, I'm thinking the opposite because I do think it's I have a teenage boy and I'm like some of the stuff I say, which is not nearly on the level what y'all are saying. And I get worried because, you know, his his friends will already make comments to him about me and stuff like that. And so I'm like, the poor kid is gonna be traumatized. What, like in your mom's? What do they. Want? Then they come across like something me talk about how I like to have sex and this and that. And so I've had those sorts of like, okay, how might that show up for him? So what, you guys taking it to the next level? I don't know.
Kristen Sivills:
It's it's weird because I think that my daughter thinks because I've been doing stand up for, I want to say 13 years this year. This year 13. My daughter thinks I'm cool. She's always thought I was cool. My mom does this. This is cool. So she likes to show off that we are doing like I was on the news the other day, or that we're doing something like that. Like, my parents are cool. They don't have regular jobs. They doing this LA and she hasn't come back and been like, Yo, so am I talking about this? Or someone's made fun of this or that, anything. So I think that she's more protective. She's in I know she's in high school now. I don't think that that, you know, you don't care.
Jarrod Tanner:
It ain't got nothing to do with video games. So he don't.
Kristen Sivills:
Care. You don't care.
Jarrod Tanner:
You know, I think I think my my goal and it's going to sound funny, but I'm so serious. My goal is be so big that it don't matter. Why are we big? It just matters that we're big. And it's like, shit, your parents are celebrities. So yeah, that. Well.
Dr. Liz:
No. And that makes a difference though, for real. Because like, that's the past. Like, what you're talking about is a lot different when that status changes or, you know, as that status grows, then it's like, well, that's, that's literally what's paying their bills. So it is there's a different perspective.
Jarrod Tanner:
Yeah. And part of this sauce being made right here, that's also why we made sure to broaden out the podcast.
Kristen Sivills:
So that's not just that.
Jarrod Tanner:
Yeah, we didn't have to be stuck on just talking about sex for the rest of our We could talk about anything and you'll find it interesting.
Dr. Liz:
So yeah, it makes a lot of sense what you guys are doing. Really cool things. I'm excited to come see you again in November when you're back in Phoenix for dinner, tell everyone where they can find you, each of your socials and you know in where you can be found.
Kristen Sivills:
What I am. Kristen Sivills on everything I've seen, I've so I'm on Twitter, Facebook, Instagram, our podcast Instagram is and then we have sex in our Facebook is just in then we because.
Jarrod Tanner:
They don't like having.
Kristen Sivills:
So like the sex part so it's just and then we but the.
Jarrod Tanner:
Same thing with the YouTube.
Kristen Sivills:
And then you see this and then we watch.
Jarrod Tanner:
Jay talk for the Instagram. Facebook is Jay Anthony Tanner and for links to our tour dates because we are all across the country this year you can go to and then we have seconds hit the events tab.
Kristen Sivills:
Yeah.
Dr. Liz:
Very cool. Well, I'm excited to see more of you guys. I would love to join you for that attachment conversation. So you had me up, let me know. And I appreciate you guys so much for coming to hang out with me.
Kristen Sivills:
No, thanks. Thank you. We had a good time.
Jarrod Tanner:
This was done. This was, though.
Dr. Liz:
Absolutely. Thank you, Kristen and Jarrod, for including me in your conversation about sex. And thank you all for hanging out and relatable relationships unfiltered. Make sure to subscribe to our YouTube channel, Sign up for my newsletter and find me on Instagram. At Dr. Elizabeth Fedrick..