Relatable podcast 

Dr. Liz:
Going on multiple first dates, like, Holy fuck, that sounds exhausting. In my world, like the most horrendous thing ever.

 

Dave Glaser:
Yeah, I'm curious about that. Well, is he just going to show up at your front door while you're watching Netflix in your pajamas or your Snuggie? And he's going to be like, Hey, I'm here.

 

Dr. Liz:
That would be the male that is most frequently at my house would be the DoorDash delivery guy.

 

Dave Glaser:
Like, that sounds like somebody who writes a porn script is narrating the conversation right now, which is also funny.

 

Dr. Liz:
This is relatable relationships, unfiltered. Hey, and welcome back to Relatable Relationships Unfiltered. Joining me today is my friend Dave Glaser. Dave is a relationship coach and also provides a whole lot of relationship insights on TikTok. And even though Dave and I are experts in this field, just like you guys, our dating lives could use some work. Listen in as we talk all about our first date struggles. Dave, Dave, Dave. We go way back with our conversations on relationships.

 

Dave Glaser:
Yeah, that's absolutely right.

 

Dr. Liz:
Way back. I know. I was thinking about that, that I was saying before we started recording that. I think so far to the guests I've had on and probably that I will have on in the near future, you and I have definitely had the most real life conversations about relationships. Like that's really how we connected was. On how similar, like our values.

 

Dr. Liz:
Our struggles.

 

Dave Glaser:
Struggles for sure.

 

Dr. Liz:
All of that aligns.

 

Dave Glaser:
Yeah. Struggles resonates.

 

Dr. Liz:
For sure. I know. And that's I think back so you and I actually we connected shortly after I got divorced and you had asked me to come on the podcast and then yeah, I think we've kind of then over the years since then, talked about some of our commitment stuff, some of our dating app flops. Where are you at right now with with your relationship success or lack thereof?

 

Dave Glaser:
I'm reflecting on that word success or failure. You know, I spend a little bit more time on TikTok than Instagram nowadays. And I got some feedback the other day that was like, wait, you talk about this year long relationship you had, but why would you call that a success? And when I sat with it and I thought about the the question, yeah, a lot of people think that successful relationships have to last forever. You know, that is kind of the narrative that that was taught to us, you know, through generations, or at least it was taught to me. And then I think about it like, well, it was a success because I learned something about myself. It was a success because I opened myself up to somebody else and I took risks. And I, I faced those fears that show up for me and dating.

 

Dr. Liz:
Right. What was there a point in that that it couldn't be successful because it was over?

 

Dave Glaser:
I believe that was the point. Wow. And and I think that's really something that could be a great teaching opportunity or learning opportunity for a lot of people who are out there single.

 

Dr. Liz:
Sure, I agree. And I mean, you know what my relationship is like with Richard, my ex. And we most definitely consider that a success because in spite of his not being in a romantic relationship anymore, like we're family, we're each other's support system. And so I would by far consider that my most successful relationship in life. And it's my.

 

Dave Glaser:
Divorce. Yeah, I love that perspective because an outside looking in, I have absolutely no business telling you that that's not a success at all.

 

Dr. Liz:
Yeah.

 

Dave Glaser:
Yeah, it does give me an opportunity to, like, get curious as a friend and say, like, okay, tell me more. That's. That's not common. Tell me more about what what you're going through right now.

 

Dr. Liz:
But I'm going to take that as rhetorical. What was that like for you, though, when she said when she said it wasn't a success, Did that like did it sting? Was it offensive or I guess it could have been a he? I don't know. I assume she did you say?

 

Dave Glaser:
Well, probably because most of my audience is women on social media.

 

Dr. Liz:
It's not about Dave.

 

Dave Glaser:
Laws of Attraction. A lot of things when I show up as my authentic self, women gravitate to that of platonically, professionally, romantically, and sometimes it doesn't resonate with men. And I get that. That's a big reason why I'm a part of two small men's groups so that I, I don't need to resonate with any one specific person on a on a grandiose scale. Like, I've got my core group of four guys over here who are my church men's group, and then I've got my 10 to 12 guys on the other side that are more of my philosophy based or relationship based or life based men's group.

 

Dr. Liz:
Do you think, though, that partly maybe it doesn't resonate with men because of like and I'm sure you do think this because of our societal like the influence of that, because you and I had a conversation, I don't know, maybe a year ago or something. We were texting about where we both were at with our basically dating and relationships and stuff like that. And I don't remember how you worded it. Something like basically it came down to me expressing that, I think you said, what would safe mean to you? Was that do you remember this conversation?

 

Dave Glaser:
it had to have been right after my breakup. If you're if you're talking about a year ago, my last relationship ended at the beginning of August last year. So, yeah, the question resonates with me. What does safe mean to you? You know.

 

Dr. Liz:
And I wonder, though, like if a lot of men don't think in that way, because my response was like, well, I want somebody who's assertive, but also who can hold space for my emotions, who can demonstrate, nurture, who can be soft and sensitive, while also being I. I know I don't know what words would be politically correct on the other side of that.

 

Dave Glaser:
Yeah. If I understand what you're saying. I mean, don't resonate with what I share on social media because it's a reflection for them of like, what am I dealing with in my own life, my own insecurities, my own relationship, or my own professional life. Like I do a lot of work every day and and sometimes, you know, the you were talking about the societal expectations and stereotypes are that men just don't do that right? And so if my message or if my persona that I put out there on online doesn't it's not relating to men that could be one reason why.

 

Dr. Liz:
Isn't that so fascinating, though, that it's so relatable to such a large female audience? Yet when we're thinking about like partnerships and stuff like that now, of course that can be partnerships of whatever genders together. But that's fascinating to me of how many men are truly like missing the mark and don't even give a shit to try to tune in to find out like why?

 

Dave Glaser:
Yeah, there might be something else there to it of like, well, Dave, you talk about all this stuff and you host this podcast, but you're not in a relationship and men want results, right? Sure. Men want the results. They're like, Well, what do you mean? I'm going to do all this work. And you're saying that I might not even find a relationship?

 

Dr. Liz:
What do you say?

 

Dave Glaser:
So maybe.

 

Dr. Liz:
What's that? What do you say to that?

 

Dave Glaser:
Well, after after understanding what it what that question was like in my own life of, like, well, if I'm outcome dependent, then I'm going to be less likely to maintain a relationship. If I'm always a worried about, okay, if I do this, what am I going to get in return?

 

Dr. Liz:
Right. You know, that's interesting because I've been talking to my close humans about that recently. In terms of that thought, even so, I was I was watching this podcast and I'm like thinking in terms of the same thing and you and I have kind of connected on that as well, that we both are big into dating relationship world, yet we spend quite a bit of our time not in a relationship. So we'll get to that down the road. But my thoughts around that, I was like, you know, I really going to shift my focus that to not send the message that like I'm here to provide content to help you get into a relationship because that is not my objective. Like when I really sit down and process through that. Like my objective is to help you heal from your relational trauma. And then my objective is to help you be healthy when you're in a relationship. But clearly I'm no expert at getting into one. So like, I really kind of had to reframe that, but I'm like, okay, don't tune it. Like I'm not going to tell you how to find a partner, but I can tell you how to get healthy and then how to be healthy.

 

Dave Glaser:
Sure.

 

Dr. Liz:
So it sounds like similar to what people push back with you.

 

Dave Glaser:
It's possible. And, you know, I don't have a hard time getting first dates. My, my, my coworkers give me a really hard time of, like, how many was it last week, Dave?

 

Dr. Liz:
that's.

 

Dave Glaser:
I don't know. I don't know. But what it comes down to is like, I enjoy meeting people. I enjoy getting to know people, I enjoy eating out, I enjoy trying new coffee shops. I enjoy seeing what Colorado has to offer. And if it happens to be on a first date, great. And in order to get to that second date, I'm looking for a little bit more than what I find. Nine times out of ten. But if I'm afraid of going on the first date, I'll never even know that.

 

Dr. Liz:
Well, what if we're not afraid? Maybe we. We're just annoyed by it. Maybe it just doesn't sound appealing. Or a good use of our time.

 

Dave Glaser:
Well, then, certainly it's time to take a break and not be out in the dating pool.

 

Dr. Liz:
Well, you can't take a break if you haven't started, because it's like. I mean, I guess that's a good point. That's. Yes. So I had a dating coach on recently and he was saying, like, well, clearly you want a relationship. Like if your putting that out there in that way. And I'm like, yeah, that's a really great point. I don't I don't really know. But as you're saying, going on multiple first dates, like, holy fuck, that sounds.

 

Dave Glaser:
Exhausting.

 

Dr. Liz:
In my world, like the most horrendous thing ever.

 

Dave Glaser:
Yeah, I'm curious about that. Well, is he just going to show up at your front door while you're watching Netflix in your pajamas or your Snuggie? And he's going to be like, Hey, I'm here.

 

Dr. Liz:
Gosh. Well, so that's too much to ask.

 

Dave Glaser:
Well, I don't want to I don't want to gloss over any one particular.

 

Dr. Liz:
That's hilarious that Melissa's tuning in from the studio. Right. It will likely be my DoorDash delivery guy. And she is not wrong because that that would be the male that is most frequently at my house would be the DoorDash delivery guy.

 

Dave Glaser:
Like, that sounds like somebody who writes a porn script is is narrating the conversation right now, which is also funny. But what I what I was going to say and thank you for that commentary there, Melissa, that going on dates is part of the work. If we're avoiding going on first dates and still wishing for a relationship well, then we're going to have to take a look at why we're avoiding first dates.

 

Dr. Liz:
Sure.

 

Dave Glaser:
I agree.

 

Dr. Liz:
I totally agree. And then I'm going to flip it back on you and wonder, why do why does hardly anyone get past the first date? What's going on on your end? That that's and I hear what you're saying, like your expectations and things like that. But do you ever feel like your expectations are keeping you safe? I like that little eyebrow raise you're giving me as you know exactly where I'm going.

 

Dave Glaser:
It's possible. I couldn't really anticipate me focusing on the safety part or me actually preventing myself from going on second dates because I've asked plenty of times, you know, like, Hey, I had a great time on the first date. This is really great about expectations. Actually had a really good time on our Taco Coffee lunch date, whatever I'd like. I'd like to see you again. What's your schedule like this coming weekend? And sometimes, often I get the. Thank you, but no, thank you. Hey, Dave, I had a great time as well. I'm just not feeling the connection. And it goes both ways, you know, like if I put that out there after the first date and I get asked out again, hey, I'm just not feeling that connection. I think that that's a really great thing that I'm receiving that in return as opposed to like being ghosted or like being strung along. But when you ask that question, it gives me an opportunity to reflect at my own behavior. Like Dave, it sounds like you're going on a lot of first dates. Why aren't there second ones? And what I've come to understand recently, and you're going to laugh when I say this because it's so obvious, is that I'm not as selective as I could be in order to get the first date. And so if I'm going on the first dates and there's not a lot of second ones, it's like, all right, was I prescreening as much as I possibly could have in order to find connection, chemistry, compatibility and communication? Probably not. But that doesn't mean I'm doing it wrong. I think I think what I'm doing here is I'm exploring who I am in the world. And I just happen to enjoy going to coffee, going to dinner, going to lunch. And I also happen to spend, like spending time with people I could possibly kiss at the end of those dates.

 

Dr. Liz:
Where wrong with that?

 

Dave Glaser:
Nothing at all. Like what I what I do want to acknowledge is I didn't answer your question earlier.

 

Dr. Liz:
What was my question earlier? I have so many of them.

 

Dave Glaser:
Yeah, you asked me a very specific question and it will come to me in a minute. But it was really important. I don't want to forget it. I don't want to gloss over it and I don't want to deflect from that question either.

 

Dr. Liz:
I appreciate the self-awareness.

 

Dave Glaser:
Dave Yeah, you bet. At self-awareness, I mean, I'm sitting with self-awareness a lot, and you and I talk about it a lot. You gave me the reflection once of like, Dave, you're really self-aware and I appreciated that compliment. I took it that way. And then I got this reflection on a two month long. It wasn't a situation ship. It was actually dating. But our schedules allowed it only three dates in two months, which is not a lot, right? Sure. And the reflection that I got from this is that we faced a bit of conflict or misunderstanding or lack of compatibility on the third date. And the self-awareness that I could take away from this is I could have apologized. And I knew.

 

Dr. Liz:
Her.

 

Dave Glaser:
Yeah, to her. She apologized to me and I was like, Thank you very much for saying that. I appreciate it. I respect where you're coming from. And she was offering up I respect where you're coming from, too, as well. Dave and I felt really good. And in this opportunity, I'm like myself. Awareness is lacking on why I didn't apologize. What could I take responsibility for in that situation? And it might have actually been a meme you shared the other day. So thank you for that. I think you said you can be triggered and still understand your responsibility or your part in in the situation in the scenario. And yes, I, I felt emotional. I felt the emotions come up and I also you know, in the day or two or week after, I didn't own my part on this third date.

 

Dr. Liz:
But did did something happen that I'm missing that were a what are we apologizing?

 

Dave Glaser:
That's actually that's actually a really good question. And I could take ownership that I showed up in a way that I'm not proud of, that I that's an old version of me of the person who's like in a moment becoming emotional but not not angry, not rageful. Just react it frightened. And instead of responding, I reacted. And that's what I can take ownership of. Sure. Does that make sense?

 

Dr. Liz:
Yeah, for sure. So it sounds like you recognize you have a lot of self awareness, but then you're also recognizing when you don't have gaps.

 

Dave Glaser:
Yeah.

 

Dr. Liz:
And when that happens for you, like, is that what does that create for you? Self-criticism and how does that benefit?

 

Dave Glaser:
You know, there's therapist Liz right there.

 

Dr. Liz:
Well, I'm curious like it sounds like you I mean, personal improvement obviously is such a big deal to you. That is that is so much of your life. But do you find that you are like overly critical of yourself in these situations and like that that shows up as a barrier? Because if it's like if you're like, where is the space? And grace for like, human?

 

Dave Glaser:
Dave I appreciate the question. And this is another opportunity for me to grow, right? Of like, what does forgiveness look like for myself and how can I give myself that grace and compassion when I show up? Not fully. I don't show up as my fully authentic self. You know, I revert back to an old version of myself and the there's a couple different things that show up for me in our conversation is like, guilt can be a great motivator for change behavior. Like if I experience guilt for my behavior and I, I feel guilty for not showing up as my authentic self. I showed up as my old version. And that guilt, which is different from self-criticism in my in my world, if I change behavior based on that guilt, well, then I get the opportunity to grow even more. And it's another slingshot opportunity going forward. You know, now I'm taking ownership of more things, of things that I'm playing my part in right now. I am grateful for that. And that's where compassion and and grace and forgiveness comes into my world. And I'm self-critical that I know better. I'm self-critical that I do the work in order for, let's say, like all the times, I'm not disregulated. That's training for the times when I am disregulated. Sure. You know, I do all this. I trained jiu jitsu three or four times a week and I submitted a teammate and he got really upset and I could feel all that emotion coming out of him. He was just seething. He was he was internally just struggling with submission. And in his emotional state, I was able to take advantage of that and submit him a couple more times. And I could just feel that that emotion continue to go on. And he he kept coming. You know, we have seven minute rounds, so there's a lot of opportunity to spar in that time. And the last time that he came at me, I'm like, pass. I feel a lot of emotion from you right now. And it and it doesn't feel safe in our environment. What's going on? What's coming up for you? And you could see that regulation come back of like yeah you're right And then we continue on.

 

Dr. Liz:
Is that an approach that you use relationally? Like obviously that was relationally because he you clearly have a relationship with somebody to be able to be that vulnerable or that even assertive in that moment. Do you find that you do that in relationship with women? How can you laughing about that?

 

Dave Glaser:
I'm laughing because the genders matter here. The energy between us mattered. He was a male sparring partner and it's a jujitsu environment. So sex is off the table, right? Sure. Well, in a relationship, there's the opportunity for loss, fear of loss. There's opportunity for, like, a relationship to end. Right. And so that's the emotion that shows up for me between the two is like, well, I don't mind if this teammate never wants to spar with me again. That's non attachment showing up in my life. Well, it's very difficult for me in my experience to not become attached in a romantic relationship. And that's the work. That's what I get to do outside of a relationship to prepare me for the next one. Sure. So if we're going on all these first dates and there are fewer second dates than than first, well then I get to see that reflection and grow in self-awareness of like, I'm still getting attached to an old version of myself.

 

Dr. Liz:
It sounds like maybe you're not going to the second date because of the fear of attaching as quickly as you're expressing that you do.

 

Dave Glaser:
Yes. And I think that the I don't I don't want to use the first thing that came up for me because that's not the truth. The fear of attaching in the way that I used to. I'm sitting with this growth or this experience as tending to show up avoidant in the past, straight up avoidant. Like avoiding attachment style was my thing. That was my tendency and growing into finding myself attaching more anxiously recently. And it's uncomfortable because we, we acknowledge this all the time that when we're outside of a relationship, we are securely attached. We feel more secure in our inner central nervous system. And then a person that we want to get to know better no longer wants to see you. Well, then we have this anxiety show up, right? And for for a securely attached person, anxiety is normal. They're going to experience it even in dating for an anxiously attached person, which I don't relate to as much as an avoidant, but I am now. Well, that's new, that's uncomfortable. That's an opportunity for growth.

 

Dr. Liz:
When did that shift happen for you?

​

Dave Glaser:
When I. Stopped drinking.

 

Dr. Liz:
interesting.

 

Dave Glaser:
Yeah. Okay. I was no longer medicating with an external source.

 

Dr. Liz:
Got it. Okay, so then you started to feel the anxiety that was there, but that you had found a way to avoid through this coping.

 

Dave Glaser:
Now I'm engaging in this.

 

Dr. Liz:
Yeah. So then recognizing that anxiety coming up for you, do you. Do you. Okay, don't take this with like any offense intended, but do you feel like as you're getting older, it creates more anxiety around trying to secure a relationship?

 

Dave Glaser:
You know, age age doesn't really resonate with me right now because I don't I don't at 42 and I don't feel 42 except for my low back 111 dimension of that work that we keep talking about is facing our fear of death. Right? Like acknowledging that death is a part of life. And so as I age, that's the work that I do not so much in like, I'm 42 or I'm 43. I need to get a relationship. I'll die alone. Well, I'm not afraid of death because the the embodiment work that I choose to do, I simulate death 3 to 4 times a week because we get choked out or out at our Jiu-Jitsu school.

 

Dr. Liz:
Some candy step you got going on there, Dave. But regardless of fear of death, are you not? Isn't it worry about the fear of growing old alone? Like I don't I don't think it's the fear. I'm not necessarily saying for you, but I wonder, you know, it's not like I hear that you're saying the fear of death. Yes, that's in one category. But when we think about it in terms of relationships, I think about it like growing old alone. Like who who's going to be there? I even have realized that I moved into a new house about a year ago, and I'm like, It's a lot of fucking work to maintain a house on your own. Like, Yeah, it's like I just I needed a hot husband for hire for, like, I shit for, like, my yard for my. And so that's what I think about. I think like the rest of my life, that's not so bad. I just need a man to do shit for me. Yeah, I guess I could hire that. But that's like. That's what is like, that feels really lonely to do the next 50 years or whatever. I'm like, that's. It's a lot of work.

 

Dave Glaser:
It is A growing old alone doesn't scare me because my life is so full as it is. I have my daughter wonderful part of my life. I have my friendships and I have my excuse me, I have my men's groups and I have I have activities that I love that I do on my own. And so that fear of growing old, alone doesn't land with me as much as, say, like a desire for companionship.

 

Dr. Liz:
Okay, So it's less about a fear and more about a desire.

 

Dave Glaser:
Yeah, absolutely. And I hear you talking about the tasks around the house, the the pride of ownership being draining on you. And, you know, as a business owner, I can make a lot of guesses or assumptions that you spent a lot of time in the masculine energy. And when you come home, you don't want to keep fucking doing what's that?

 

Dr. Liz:
What gives you that idea?

 

Dave Glaser:
Because you're you're.

 

Dr. Liz:
Driven.

 

Dave Glaser:
You know? Yeah, you're driven, you're you're an expert in your field. You have a lot on your plate. And so what I hear you describing there, when you get home of this home ownership, you can have a lot of pride in your home and still not want to do the work because that keeps you in your masculine. When you're in your home, your safe space, the the structure around you is meant to keep you energetically safe.

 

Dr. Liz:
Yes, yes, yes. And that is. Yeah. And you and I have explored this many times that that masculine energy that I have and that I have to maintain as a business owner, as a, you know, everything that I do alone, which is not fair to say. I have a lot of support from people around me. But, you know, at the end of the day, it is on my shoulders. And that and I always say like, you know, I identify as a feminist, but I think feminists might also not prefer this side of me, because then there is a side of me that I do want to be taken care of by a man. At the end of the day, like that is. And it's not just about being taken care of. Like I want I want the nurture, I want that connection, and I don't want to always have to be in my masculine energy. And that is so true.

 

Dave Glaser:
Yeah.

 

Dr. Liz:
And I don't I don't have to be, which is people find surprising. Like I do have the ability not to be, but not be. I have the ability, but not the opportunity very often.

 

Dave Glaser:
Right, Right. Yeah. I think. Thank you so very much for that. I think this is a really good opportunity to talk about a relationship dynamics that people argue about a lot. Right. Like, she nags me all the time to get the trash done or mow the lawn or or fix this. My honeydew list is really long and the feminine in the partnership. She doesn't even have to be a woman. But the feminine energy in the relationship is like, I'm so tired of nagging. I'm so tired of asking him to get this done. And the key thing that I've come to understand over the past few years is the feminine doesn't care if the masculine does it himself. She cares that the job gets done. He could outsource all of that handiwork to other people and she would feel safe, She would feel seen, she would feel heard, and he would have all this freedom that he craves. The masculine craves freedom in the in the relationship and in his own life, too. And I think that this is the best unsolicited advice I can give on this one topic is like, don't expect men or I'll speak to the masculine right now. I don't expect that she wants you to do it all yourself. It's not what they're asking for. Just ask for help from a handyman or a lawn service or somebody paint your house, just ask for help and get the job done.

 

Dr. Liz:
Are. Are you telling that to my masculine energy?

 

Dave Glaser:
No way. No.

 

Dr. Liz:
You know better than that.

 

Dave Glaser:
Yeah, exactly. That puts you back in your masculine. And I don't want to. I don't want to have that for you. I love your feminine energy.

 

Dr. Liz:
I appreciate that. I wonder if this ties into. Well, and I guess I'll just do you identify as having commitment issues and where I'm wondering this is because and you might not identify that way, but I might identify you that way. But anyway, I think that the idea being as you're saying, so so you just said like you don't have to do everything on your own like that and you're talking specifically you're talking less relationally and more specifically task driven. But I think that's a really good point, and that ties into my commitment issues, is whether it's personally, professionally, friends, whatever the case, I have this belief that I will be let down. So I will either be abandoned, I will be rejected. Someone will not hold up to their end of the bargain. They will not follow through in the way that, you know, all of those things that I think keeps me insulated, like in general. So there's my self awareness for you that I have great awareness around that. But I find it interesting that you were shaking your head no, that you don't identify with commitment issues.

 

Dave Glaser:
No, my my issues are not in committing to somebody else.

 

Dr. Liz:
What are they?

 

Dave Glaser:
And my issues are in the selection process to get to that commitment.

 

Dr. Liz:
It's okay. But like. Sorry, go on.

 

Dave Glaser:
I don't know what's on your mind. I want to hear it.

 

Dr. Liz:
Well, I'm just wondering, like, in terms of that selection process. Is it by chance set up more by design?

 

Dave Glaser:
As in, I'm choosing my selection process to self sabotage to prevent myself from even getting close.

 

Dr. Liz:
You said it, not me. I'm just curious.

 

Dave Glaser:
I was. I was definitely filling in the gaps of your question. So how the how the as you said it commitment issues may show up in my life is I'm judgmental, I'm critical. I expect perfection out of myself. And those are all things that I'm aware of and working on. I receive those reflections from my own counselor and then the men in my life. I was golfing with a buddy of mine. He and I've golfed regularly for two or three years now and the most recent time that we golfed, he's like, Dave, I don't hear you criticizing your game, your swing, your performance. Not like I used to.

 

Dr. Liz:
That's a big deal.

 

Dave Glaser:
It's a huge thing. It's a huge thing for a man in my life for the past four and a half years to actually reflect that back to me. And I really appreciate.

 

Dr. Liz:
You clearly put in and work around that as well, because we know that the perfectionism that is in ourselves, it's really hard not to project that onto others. And so when we when you're talking about being judgmental or critical or all of those things, I think about that a lot as well, that my really just wild expectations of myself. There's like clearly I am projecting that on to other people as well. So is that you see does that show up for you at all that when you're talking about it sounds like the judgment being critical is maybe directed at self and others?

 

Dave Glaser:
Yeah, I would, I would agree with that. Yeah, definitely. I went on a first date last week and in this reflection I, I've you first dates is like an opportunity to see myself and others right intimacy into me. I see into UIC and into me I see and it took this opportunity to hear her say, I'm not expecting you to be perfect deaf twice. I heard this twice on a first date. I was like, You know, this is a first date. We don't know each other very well. This is likely not about me. So I can sit in that moment and and actually hear what the feminine is trying to say of like, okay, well, that perfection is not about me because we just met. How could it possibly be be about me, you know, and there were there was a moment at the end of the date where, like she mentioned, hey, I'm going to order an Uber. I'm like, okay, cool. I'll use the restroom, I'll come back and I'll walk you out. And from that moment on, that demeanor and the energy changed. It was as if, like, I missed a perfect step in the date of like, No, would you like a ride home or something? In that interaction brought up an emotional response in this other person. And I couldn't I, I wasn't going to spend time on trying to figure that out. Right. Because that's not my race. That's not my responsibility in in the moment or even after. But like, walked her out and she like, sprinted to the Uber, like no hug, no goodnight, nothing. Just like as soon as the Uber showed up, boom, like, walked quickly across the street and I was left. I was left. Well, that was interesting. I don't know what was there at all. And I'm not looking for answers. I'm not looking for like an explanation or anything like that. But it's an opportunity for me. Like I've heard you say twice that you're not looking for Perfect. Well, what mistake? Mistake did I make there at the end that brought up that perfectionism in me to make me reflect that way and become self-critical, You know, in a little bit like it didn't last very long, because we know that there's not going to be a second date. So the the criticism there does it doesn't last long for me.

 

Dr. Liz:
So you felt like that was more a reflection of what was going on for her, though, versus something you had actually done wrong?

 

Dave Glaser:
Yeah, which makes it a great opportunity for me not to take it personally.

 

Dr. Liz:
Sure.

 

Dave Glaser:
You know, I love the four agreements, but it's hard sticking to them. Absolutely.

 

Dr. Liz:
How much of a barrier do you think that yourself awareness becomes in in your dating life? Because that's like one thing. Like on the very few dates I have gone on, that's always the joke that has to be made about that. I'm clearly psychoanalyzing them and I'm like, well, clearly. But you know, like whatever that that's whatever that looks like. And so what they don't realize is that I am just as self-aware and analyzing my interactions as much as I'm interacting or, you know, analyzing theirs. But I also have clients that say that as they're doing the work and as they're healing and becoming more aware of of their triggers and how they show up when they're triggered and that type of thing. I have a lot of clients say that the increase in self awareness is almost overwhelming. Like it's, you know, you are constantly it's like you're watching a chess game every day you're going on. D How does that show up for you in that way, or does it?

 

Dave Glaser:
Yeah, it certainly is showing up. More recently I always took our it took us a sense of pride in that self-awareness. You know, it's one thing that I'm really proud of myself for doing all the work, and I have to be grounded in the understanding that I'm not doing it for anybody else. I'm doing it for me. And there's.

 

Dr. Liz:
Good.

 

Dave Glaser:
Yeah.

 

Dr. Liz:
No, go ahead.

 

Dave Glaser:
There's a there's a time and a place for that self-awareness and that and analysis. Right. The time and the place for self-awareness and all of the analysis is not on the first day. It's actually after the first date or before the first date. And I talked to a lot of people about like, well, what is your body telling you about going to that first date? Are they butterflies or is it anxiety on your drive or on your Uber ride over to the first date your body is sending you a signal? The body is sending me a signal to say like, you're not open to this, you're not wanting this. It doesn't feel aligned for you. And the opportunity for reflection and to gain self-awareness is after the first date. Because if I'm if I'm sitting there analyzing myself and the other person the entire time on the first date, I'm not present. And they're like.

 

Dr. Liz:
You really were analyzing some because you caught on to the fact that she said the perfectionism thing a couple of times and then the situation that happened at the end. So with your amount of knowledge, you clearly are doing some analyzing.

 

Dave Glaser:
I'm really glad that you brought that up because there's a difference here between truly listening to another person and hearing what they have to say and it aside for later. Right. Okay. I heard that I'm not going to spend any time on it right now while I'm on the date, but I am going to save it for later because I felt my body in the moment of like, well, when I hear somebody say, I don't expect you to be perfect on a first date, my body sends a response and I get to check in with that and say, okay, set that aside for later. Dave And if that was an isolated incident, okay, no big deal. But it was that and the the interaction at the end of the day, it was like, okay, focus on that at another time, maybe on the drive home or later that night when you're when I'm reflecting on, okay, well, it's 8:00, I've got till 930 bedtime, whatever. I got an hour to spend on this. I get to be the detective in my own life and say, like, what was my body telling me in that moment? Right?

 

Dr. Liz:
Yeah. Which I totally hear that. I think that when people are first learning the awareness of all these interactions and the awareness even of what's going on in their body, I think it's probably really hard for a lot of people to do all of that multitasking at once, right, to have that interaction take place, to have their body respond. Now, all of a sudden I'm aware of what's going on in my body. What does that mean, where it's in and to be able to. So it sounds like it's over of doing it again and again and again, that you learn how to set that aside and stay present in the moment.

 

Dave Glaser:
And it doesn't even really come from repetition of, like, dates, right? The repetition of, say, cold showers for two years prepares me for that in attunement to my own body's response and my ability to set it aside for later. It's not as if, like, I step into a cold shower every day anticipating that I'm going to have to, like, do this on a date. Sure, it makes it easier for me to access that while I am on a date and where I could potentially get disregulated.

 

Dr. Liz:
Yeah.

 

Dave Glaser:
Yes. Nothing will. Nothing will challenge us as much as our romantic relationships or parenting.

 

Dr. Liz:
Yes. Is very true. And that makes sense. The most important relationships in our world, of course, are going to challenges in that way. How many dates do you suggest? Like when you're working with your clients and stuff like that? I had a client ask me recently. She went on a first date. She was like, wasn't horrible. It was a very funny story actually, but still wasn't horrible. But she was like, I can't I can't decide if I want to go on another one. Like, you know, no serious red flags or anything, just not a whole lot of chemistry. And so my suggestion was and I what I told her is that I generally don't like connection chemistry, all those things that I end up having with somebody, It happens over time for me. You know, a lot of people will say, when you know, you know, it just automatically clicks, things like that. And I think that there are like maybe little moments of sparks and stuff that are there. But for me to really know, like I want to invest time in this person, like I'm not going to know that for a while. And so I kind of just, you know, said if, if there was no big reason not to, if you're kind of on the fence about it, you didn't notice any big red flags like, you know, you don't know what time can do for you, but what do you usually suggest, you know when you're working with clients and stuff or even for yourself? Like what is your own motto on that?

 

Dave Glaser:
Yeah, I'm I'm a lot like you and I'm when I'm working with people, but in my own experience, I match with this girl on Tinder. This was like four years ago or something like gorgeous girls, single mom. It took us a while to set up the first date because of our schedules and things like that, and went on the first date and there was some good, there was some good conversation, good understanding. Values were lining up and there was enough there, enough of a conversation and enough of an interest to plan a second date. It was on the second date that it really became blah, you know?

 

Dr. Liz:
Got it.

 

Dave Glaser:
So for both reasons, we want to give it another try on the first date. If we are feeling that instant spark, if we are feeling that instant attraction and we're like, Yes, I definitely want to go on a second date, well then there's just as much there to tune into as if there's no connection or, no chemistry. And there have been a few times in my life where I'm like, Yes, absolutely. I enjoy this person as a person. I didn't feel that physical attraction. I didn't feel the spark. But I am going to decide for myself to investigate further, to to understand more about myself. Am I avoiding something here? Am I am I tuning in or am I listening too much to the narrative of like, when you know, you know? Yeah. Because what I really appreciate about some of the things you share and some of the other things that you know, maybe Talia or the angry therapist share or Marc Groves are like, Well, a good a good relationship isn't going to be exciting all the time. It might actually be a little bit boring through certain phases in our lives and in this relationship. And I'm looking forward to the boredom.

 

Dr. Liz:
Well, if you can learn how to tolerate it. Right. But a lot of people who haven't addressed that relational programing and they are wired for the chaos, the boredom feels worse to them than the hard times. And so I think that that is something, you know, being aware of that, that, yes, the boredom should indicate some level of safety. But for some people, it really indicates this is concerning. This is uncomfortable.

 

Dave Glaser:
Yeah. Yeah. Some thing. Yeah. Thank you for that. That's just a good redirect of like, there's a lot of possibilities in the boredom and we're not. We're not look, we're not seeking out the boredom, but like, I could understand that in the dynamic that we were talking about earlier, like, she doesn't care if you do the work yourself. Well, if we're offloading all of this housework onto a handyman or onto a lawn service or on to like somebody else to shovel the driveway, how freakin exciting is it to be that he's got the free time to flirt with you, to spend time with you, to focus on himself and self-care, and then to co-create or build that life together? Because, yes, shit's getting done and making making time for each other because we're not we're not spending all of our free time or all of our downtime, all of our boredom time on a to do list. Yeah.

 

Dr. Liz:
Yeah. Which is so interesting that the irony between that we hear so often that one of the one or both partners isn't doing what the other partner needs them to do from a task perspective. But then we're also hearing simultaneously that they don't have enough time for each other, right? That that he or she or whatever, They don't make enough time for me. And I mean, that's a great insight on that. That time both can exist. We can get the job done and we can create opportunity for time together. Yeah.

 

Dave Glaser:
Yeah. I saw that growing up in my parents relationship where every Saturday my dad had this to do list and oftentimes it was self-imposed. You know, it was his task list. No, it wasn't a honey do list, But I just I never observed in my family system that quality time that flirtation. I saw so much boredom in my childhood, in my parents relationship.

 

Dr. Liz:
Interesting. What are your love languages by the way, before we wrap up.

 

Dave Glaser:
Quality time and physical touch.

 

Dr. Liz:
well, there you go. Quality time was huge for me.

 

Dave Glaser:
For sure.

 

Dr. Liz:
But what I going to say.

 

Dave Glaser:
I give love with acts of service. Okay? Quality time and acts of service are how I show love.

 

Dr. Liz:
Well, I'm assuming unless your partner desires something else. The Met.

 

Dave Glaser:
Yeah. Yeah. Yes, I am. I'm. I struggle with giving words of affirmation as a love language. And I'm a little bit. I do enjoy giving gifts. However, like my daughter is not a gift. There is not her love language at all. So when I give her a gift, it's like, okay, thanks, you know, and sets it aside. And I have to understand that, like, that's not about me. And that relationship is still important to me, even if the gift doesn't like, blow or my like. Sure.

 

Dr. Liz:
Well, and I think that's a good, good parallel to a lot of this is that in use I mean you said it earlier taking that step back that not everything is a reflection of something we have done and taking the time to really recognize. And again, it goes back to the self awareness. And really the theme of this conversation is having that self awareness, but also the other awareness. And so not not everything is going to be a reflection of something you have done right or wrong. And, you know, but being aware of checking in on that is crucial.

 

Dave Glaser:
Yeah. Well said.

 

Dr. Liz:
Yeah. Dave, where can people find you? Sounds like you are on Tik Tok and not on Instagram as much as you're saying.

 

Dave Glaser:
It's Instagram is still a great place for people to connect. They can search my first and last name on any social media platform, Dave Glazer and or Dave Glaser dot com. So simply just a Google search of my name will bring up great places to connect.

 

Dr. Liz:
Perfect. Well, thank you for hanging out with me. I appreciate your insights as always. And I appreciate that the levels that we can relate on with of our what I would identify as struggles and and not so much really on your end. I really appreciate you being here, though, hanging out.

 

Dave Glaser:
Thanks Liz. Yeah, I'll talk to you soon.

 

Dr. Liz:
Thank you again to Dave for joining us today to provide us with so much relationship wisdom. Thank you all for tuning into this episode of Relatable Relationships Unfiltered. Make sure to subscribe on YouTube and also give us a follow on Instagram at Dr. Elizabeth Fedrick.