Relatable podcast 

Mike Johnson:
I think guys, when they feel they go down on a girl, they think that is going to get her off when that there's so many different parts of the vulva. I mean, we can talk about the use by the piece, by the G-spot, the urethra, the cervix. I mean I can go so deep into my girlfriend has said many times she's like, Dude, you know too much about my body parts.

 

Dr. Liz:
That's probably not a bad thing.

 

Mike Johnson:
No, not a bad thing at all. She just get you know, sometimes she's like, Do how do you learn this shit? Like, how did you practice the. I'm like, Hey, don't worry about all that.

 

Dr. Liz:
You're all using the technical term as you're talking dirty to her. This is relatable relationships, unfiltered. Hey, welcome to Relatable Relationships unfiltered. Today I'm hanging out with Mike Johnson, sex coach and founder of Feelings Swim. We chat all about sexual health from both the male and female perspective. And trust me, you're going to want to make a drinking game out of all the puns about sex. All right, let's talk about sex, babies. That's what we're here for. I like accommodating our baby.

 

Mike Johnson:
I love talking about sex. So let's do it. Thank you so much for having me.

 

Dr. Liz:
Yeah, for sure. So we got connected through Clayton, a friend of both of ours, and he had told me about you. He and I were chatting one day and he was talking about just how much respect he has for the work that you're doing around men's sexual health. Can you just tell us a little bit about that even before we get in, kind of like how you got into that and what you're currently doing?

 

Mike Johnson:
I appreciate that from you and from Clayton. Clayton is he's he's an awesome guy, awesome bachelor on TV and off TV. And so shout out to him. I am a certified sex coach. I'm in school to become a I'm in school and will be a board certified sexologist in December. And so I'm still in that process right now.

 

Dr. Liz:
A big part of the reason I wanted to chat with you today is even around the stigma, around like men's mental health. But even further than that, men's sexual health. Because I know like when I sit with clients and I don't have a male perspective, but when I sit with male clients and they're talking about areas of insecurity or I talk a lot on my Instagram about pleasure over performance and all of those type of things, what do you see come up with your clients that some of those biggest insecurities for men in bed?

 

Mike Johnson:
I love it you said that because and that's another reason why I'm so proud to do what I do as a male, as a black male. Like as Yeah, men in general. Just we are conditioned, you know, our programing. So I say in the Western world is just I'm a semi-literate term, shut up in color. Right. Or just be quiet, deal with it and go about your life. And one of my since I have since I do what I do, a lot of my friends just get free. They just pay me all day. When we go out asking y'all a million question, I say, you know, schedule an appointment. But one of my friends, I'll say this because it was it was it happened today, actually. He wanted to talk to a he was talking to a lady this past week and he was opening up to her being vulnerable to being vulnerable. And she said, why are you such a crybaby? And it's these small and he wasn't I'm not going to say what took place where he wasn't. I would consider not cry, baby. And this is my friend, so I could come in a bit harder. He wasn't being a crybaby, but it's this thing that's within us. Like I'm I don't want to come to an gender specifically, but in this case it was a woman that she's when she hears a man speaking his truth in her mind, it turns into what is he being such a bitch about? Right. And I don't know why people know this, but they don't like let us see deep into their pores that men and women both have masculine and feminine traits. Yeah. And so I don't understand why that's such a issue. But the funny part is that the woman would like a male. If they are heterosexual, they would like a male that possesses some feminine traits one being attentive, listening. Right? And so that's something that comes up a lot is that when I help these men, they always say they go back out into the world and they're like, Well, Mike, this doesn't like the women don't see it this way. You know, I can't talk about these things outside of that. A lot of guys and I talk I have a lot of my girlfriends. She's a a photographer. She specializes in boudoir photography, and she's always said that male clients are the scariest. And I from what I do know that to be true, so many male clients are they have body dysmorphia. They are ashamed of their body. The way that it looks. We see it plastered everywhere that women have it as well. But a big thing I mentioned that I was black early and I'll obviously, but I'll point to it in a black culture in just disenfranchized culture or people, we talk a lot about representation matters, right? Representation when it comes to and this is why I started my platform again, representation matters so much when we see women talking about their body issues. I am so proud that they are strong and courageous. But at the same time we need to see men doing this as well, because once, once men do it, these little boys growing up like, wow, I'm not like the only male ever to feel a certain type of way about my body, right? I myself, I just did a video that's pretty risque on my social for Valentine's Day. I personally thought I did good, but I was so nervous to put that video out. And my friends are like my girlfriend. It's just they don't want to hear because my body is in a nice place, but it's just how we view ourselves.

 

Dr. Liz:
Yeah.

 

Mike Johnson:
And so we are in that culture and it's just really hard. And another thing that I get is a lot of men do have performance anxiety. They have they have anxiety as well to perform, to perform great to not be looked at in a certain light. But again, we're living in a time to where men are allowed to share their feelings. And I'm not defending the men and coming out the women whatsoever. I think that this is the totality of all human beings is the totality of all human beings. I want to say it again, and that's just some of the things that men face.

 

Dr. Liz:
Yeah, I completely agree. Thank you for sharing that. And I was talking with a client earlier this week. I think that I feel for men. I am a boy, mom. So I my one and only kid is a teenage boy and I feel so much for the male gender. Probably because of that, because I have those insights of I see the insecurities that he faces and I see those experiences for him that that aren't normalized and that if a teenage girl was to talk about some of those things, that's like, of course, you know, there's so much empathy and validation and compassion for that, but it's not extended in the same way. And I think that the further real, just like empathy I have, I mean, multiple areas, but this would be one that comes up a lot for me, even in sessions, is that men are put in such a double bind right now with the rise of feminism. And and I identify as a feminist, but a certain type of feminist that real feminists or real feminists might not.

 

Mike Johnson:
Love for definition. I mean, I identify as a feminist as well. Per the definition in Webster's dictionary.

 

Dr. Liz:
Exactly. Exactly. And those are the extremes that we are putting on men of like, don't be a bitch. But then also don't be an asshole. Okay? Now, you know, you're being assertive, so now you're a dick. But then if you are more passive now, you're, you know, we can go on with all of these.

 

Mike Johnson:
You're not listening to me. You're, you know.

 

Dr. Liz:
Right.

 

Mike Johnson:
So we're different things.

 

Dr. Liz:
And that's such an impossible place because I know so in why I say, like the very feminist feminists maybe wouldn't agree with this because I like a dominant man and I like an assertive man and I like a dominant man in bed, and I like all of that. That I don't want my man to be like I don't want to tell him what to do. Like, I don't I don't want to passive man. But that doesn't mean he can't still be an active listener. And that is feminine traits still aren't wanted and that his empathy and his emotions and all of those things are a beautiful thing. And I think that what we're doing right now is we are coming to just to very we're putting men in these positions of like this box or this box, and we're not allowing them to have this gray area.

 

Mike Johnson:
Exactly. What I was going to say is we are boxed in one way or another completely because but also with that being said, I feel that it's perfectly fine for you to like a dominant man. It's perfectly fine if you like a more passive man. There's like, I don't understand why we can't just have that be the the bare minimum. Like, what do you like? Okay, cool. You like this? That's nothing wrong with that. You like this. There's nothing wrong with that in comparison to the generalization. And that's a that's a big issue right there in and of itself. But also, I, I get this a lot from women. One of the biggest things I get from women when it comes specifically to their male partner, how do I convey something that you said? Maybe think of this. I love telling guys this because they because I'm a guy and it's just funny when I see their face, when women say, I mean, one of the big things that women say to me is how do I talk to my male partner and tell him that I haven't had an orgasm in five, ten, 15, 20 years and I don't know how to convey that to him without making him feel insecure.

 

Dr. Liz:
Yeah.

 

Mike Johnson:
And I tell this, I, I just love telling this the guys because I love seeing their face because I just break their heart, because I'm a as a guy saying it to them. They're like, You're supposed to be on my side of my eyebrow. You know, you're not doing what is supposed to be doing down here, whatever the case may be. And there's a million different reasons of why that is the case, of course, and we know those things. But just from a comical aspect, I love telling guys that like, hey, I'm not I'm not just on your side right here as well. You know, I'm on her side also.

 

Dr. Liz:
Yeah. The statistics of women faking orgasms. Are you aware of that stat?

 

Mike Johnson:
I know that heterosexual women are the last on the totem pole for excluding. I don't know that for a trans individuals, but what I do know is that it's men whom heterosexual men have the highest rate of orgasms. Homosexual men have a second highest rate of orgasms. Lesbian women have the third highest rate. And lastly, it's heterosexuals.

 

Dr. Liz:
It's us. Yeah.

 

Mike Johnson:
Sorry, sorry, sorry.

 

Dr. Liz:
Yes, you're absolutely right. And that I find that very interesting. I did a post recently on Instagram and the statistics say that for a group of people it was like 13 minutes was the most ideal amount of time for a sexual experience to last was about 13 minutes. And then I added this other statistic in there that it takes women on average about 20 minutes to orgasm. Yeah, So.

 

Mike Johnson:
That's why a lot of things like.

 

Dr. Liz:
Everyone's commenting like, well, what's up with these statistics? Like, where are you? And I'm like, No, that's the point. The statistics are accurate. That is the whole point here is that the a woman takes longer to and that's with like direct stimulation. Like there's like all of these other components of it. And yet the average amount of sex is about 13 minutes for for most people and that is so true. And so then we have to assume that's because the statistics, certain numbers support that 80% of women will regularly or have faked an orgasm.

 

Mike Johnson:
And it's probably higher than that.

 

Dr. Liz:
I'm sure it is. And I think that that's what it ties in to, is that there's this expectation, and I know for my clients that my female clients who I work with, I hear it all the time like, well, I feel bad. Well, I don't want to be an inconvenience. I don't want to burden him. I don't want to hurt his feelings. I won't hurt his ego. And I'm like, girl, like, you need to be saying something.

 

Mike Johnson:
You have to step five. Going back to my feeling, seeing a formula is reflection like you have. I do it all the time. My relationship, all of these high. I mean, I'm a sex coach. I said, you know, I need to understand because we try some new or we just maybe it just was that session, right? Maybe it was that time. And I know the facts of like it takes women longer to have an orgasm, but something that isn't talked about that I would like for me to know is that we have energy in our body and we need to be I always say something if I can't agree with you, if I can't breathe with you, I can't fuck you. And what I mean by that is if we can't be in a comfortable state of being, I don't want to fuck. I want to make sure that I please you and pleasure you and in return as well in that pleasure necessarily, because not every single time has to end in orgasm. Sure. I would say a nice percentage though should if that's what you so feel kind to do. But I would say for guys out there listening specifically, if you're like, I can't last 25 minutes, there's things that I can do to help you with that. But if not that are natural, not with drugs, but if not, focus more on making sure your woman has seen her, making sure that she's heard, making sure that she's in a comfortable environment. I've heard a million stories. But one story that comes to my mind right now is that I had a woman that told me and this was so eye opening for me, just as a as a man. She told me she was having she was making love with a consensual partner, a male partner. And he was on top of her, but he wasn't looking at her.
His head was he was holding her. You know, they were chest to chest. He was holding her. His head was over her shoulder. So they couldn't see face to face. And she had to stop it because she had a flashback to a time to where she was taking advantage of him. And I'm so happy that and I'm not saying that all the times occurred because of a trauma that had taken place. I'm saying that our body is trying to speak to us and we need to listen to it right. That goes for guys and it goes for ladies. And so for the guys who make your woman feel seen, truly like true, I, I can't emphasize that enough. I will go on record and say I think that you can take that if we're going with 20 minutes way down, if you guys have built a beautiful, safe space and you've listened to her and you guys have a reflect it and you know what her turn ons are, because women, you guys are absolutely by far the better sex when it comes to getting pleasure. You know, you guys have so many more nerves, earnings in your vulva surrounding your entire body. And so we're not getting to like the multiple different ways a person can have an orgasm. But I genuinely think that guys should just pay attention to that is I laugh at it because this is truly simple. Just have questions in conversation and just shut up and listen. You have one mouth and two years.

 

Dr. Liz:
Well, and that's I, I talk frequently about the emotional foreplay that has to take place that leads to the most mindblowing sex. And it is not just about physical connection. It's not. It's sex in and of itself is often not what creates those mindblowing orgasms or those mindblowing moments of connection. But when you have engaged in all the different types of foreplay throughout the day, throughout the week, when you have engaged in emotional intimacy and you feel connected and not just parts to part, but heart to heart, you know, like that there is like choose to.

 

Mike Johnson:
Coin that, you.

 

Dr. Liz:
Know it as I'm saying. I'm like, shit, that's a post.

 

Mike Johnson:
How's it going? Going?

 

Dr. Liz:
But that's like, that's truly it is that that emotional connection is so underrated, so underestimated of the power of that. And I agree that 20 minutes can be brought way down. It can you know how to turn her on. You know how to arouse you know how to create that desire him her, you know, whatever the case, it can be brought down. But something I want to talk about it which is going to get a little deeper pun intended, I guess I'm a lot of the conversation around like when we're talking about performance and we're also talking about, again, hetero female orgasm. What in your experience when you work with your clients, talk to your friends. The expectation around a woman orgasming during penetration, Do you feel like that's the expectation, That's the norm? Like, I want to hear your perspective on that.

 

Mike Johnson:
From how guys or what their what they're asking me in terms of that.

 

Dr. Liz:
Well, so from your experience, do most men assume that the woman will orgasm through penetration? So even when we're talking about those numbers, the 13 and the 20 and all of this, I guess my mind doesn't go straight to like where my mind doesn't go to at all. Like that's happening through penetration. It's like that's happening through. However you however she gets off that's happening, whether it's through oral hand stimulation, like vibrator, whatever that is. But I guess my question is it's something I've talked with some friends with recently, like is the assumption from men that the woman will orgasm during penetration?

 

Mike Johnson:
I can't say that that's what I receive from my clients. If they if males think that we need to reevaluate, we need to go back to education. Step one seriously, because if you.

 

Dr. Liz:
Elaborate on that, please.

 

Mike Johnson:
That is just so that's just so not true. I mean, making our lips our biggest organ is our skin. There's the touch. Like there's so many things that we could do. Nipple play is beautiful and just tingling and caressing and teasing and listening and not being the men that I think. I think all women should go down there, lady, if she so desires it, I'll put my right hand up. Just. I don't know. It's just a natural. I can do.

 

Dr. Liz:
That for you.

 

Mike Johnson:
Like seriously guys. But I think that guys think that when they go down I will say this to answer your question. I think guys, when they feel they go down on a girl, they think that is going to get her off when that there's so many different parts of the vulva. I mean, we can talk about the use by the piece, by the G-spot, the urethra, the cervix. I mean I can go so deep into my girlfriend has said many times she's like, Dude, you know too much about my body parts.

 

Dr. Liz:
Probably not a bad thing.

 

Mike Johnson:
No, not a bad thing at all. She just get you know, sometimes she's like, Do how do you learn this shit? Like, how did you practice? I'm like, Hey, don't worry about all that.

 

Dr. Liz:
You're all using the technical term as you're talking dirty to her. No, no, I know. Maybe.

 

Mike Johnson:
Yeah, I do like to play with her sometimes. Like, Hey, you know what? This is right here. No, just shut up and do it, okay? This is your mom's TV is, for example, She's like, I don't care. I just do it. So for for guys, I think that guys, sadly, if I were and I don't, but if I were to speak for all mankind, I would say that guys do care to make a woman have an orgasm, but they don't care equally to get theirs, if that makes sense. Like guys would want to get their girl off. Sure. There's they. I feel guys are like, Dude, that's too damn hard, man. I don't think they ever want to say that. I think if they if they felt that it was a push of a button, of course they'll press it for you.

 

Dr. Liz:
Sure.

 

Mike Johnson:
But I feel that since it's so in our culture in this, I can go deep into this, but I'll be extremely sassy and quick. I think a part of the issue is porn. As guys, we watch porn, we think that we watch porn for education. It's just strictly entertainment, not your education. And they see guys just poking my friend Jess, she talks about that. We have this poking pandemic, which I agree with. Instead of like humping or making love and and I feel that guys don't know how to actually have sex. I don't care how fucked up it sounds. I think that guys don't know how to have sex and so therefore they are like, Whoa, look, man, I tried or I even lasted 20 minutes. I even lasted 25 minutes. That's why I kind of stay personally, stay away from, like, facts like that. Now I'm doing all those all my social just because it can be misleading. Yeah, misleading. And you know what I mean when I say that in like, facts are facts. But guy, a guy may be like, I really want to do this for my girl. I was inside of her for 25 minutes and she is starting it off. You know, I don't want guys to have that thought either. Right. And so I think that's it. Guys are like, I'm doing everything that you're saying and it's not working. And I'm like, Well, very simple. Have you started with Discovery? The communication? The second step we have as a third step, you know, engaging is the fourth step. And then we need that fifth step of reflection. And so I just don't feel that is being done. But then also, if we're talking about strictly hetero, it's a defin, guys. I feel that a lot of guys right now would say, Well, Mike, I'm not a mind reader and I would agree with him on that. I would 100% agree with him that all I would say is, are you ensuring that is a safe space? And then secondly, maybe she don't know what the hell to tell you because maybe she doesn't know her own self. Right? And so I always say to my lady, I say it's a guy super specific, more so for my lady clients to meditate before you masturbate. And the reason I say that is so that you can get in tune and you can be present into yourself and so that you can tell your guy counterpart what you like, what you don't like. Hey, I know that I have 8000 plus maybe 10,000 plus nerve endings in my clitoris, but I prefer when you're on my nipples, you know, so when she when she knows how to get herself off, she's able to better assist the guy. And then I really do feel like guys do want to get out because, you know, we are we try to be all macho, whatever. I think a guy does want to do what I call the you know, when you do the dance afterwards, when you know, you get your girl out or whatever the case may be, guys do want to do the dance. You know, they want to dance around a dance around it better be happy. I think they just don't know what I don't think they know how to engage in that conversation. And that's a part of what I to fits.

 

Dr. Liz:
Yeah. And those. So yes, I agree. And for women listening that is also something I work with my clients and that that discovery piece is also that self-discovery of your body. And I talk about that a lot in terms of like if you don't know what arouses you and gets you off, how how is he supposed to know like that? And so spending time and self-exploration, spending time in masturbation, really understanding what it is you like and what it is you don't like. But then that's only part of the story because then you have to be willing to tell him that. And I worked at the client years ago and she had been faking orgasms with like and they were having a lot of sex. So she was doing a lot of faking. And she was like, I just don't know how to tell him. And so literally, I mean, that we had to work through that because her codependency. So this is a whole other aspect of things going on for her, of being a people pleaser and a perfectionist and all of these things. So she didn't want to feel like she was defective, she didn't want to make him feel defective. And so she would rather miss out on pleasure because of that. And so like that is, you know, first you have to understand what it is you need, but then you have to be willing to tell him, because quite frankly, both of you benefit when both of you are pleased.

 

Mike Johnson:
Rihanna guys preach so seriously about that. I am. I find that our language is also not conducive for this conversation. And what I mean by that is when you look up certain words in the English literature and you use language, they almost like, for example, the word feminine, right? It talks about denoting to women or girls or what the hell does that really mean? And what is a woman, what is a girl, You know, And so are we saying be like that. But what is like that? And then what do we go to? We go to media. Women are all they see all day. All they're hearing is guys sucking bad girls, fake it, you know, to get it over for the guy, and then I'll just take care of myself when I get home. That's literally how how women and men are both hearing it. Yeah. And so guys are like, shit, I'll get off myself. I know how to do that. When when I would if I'm being honest. Guys, you haven't even touched the tip of the iceberg of the amazing pleasure that you can feel if you know what the hell you're doing.

 

Dr. Liz:
How do they find out how to do it? So when you say they don't know what they're doing and they don't know how the how to all of those things, where does one even start with that? Because like the discovery or the self-reflection. Yes, that's important for a lot of reasons. But somebody doesn't know what they don't know. So how do they find out?

 

Mike Johnson:
I would say step one is to for men. And so go to my website. Honestly, there's a literally a discovery. That's the very first thing in 66. Question is the discovery of yes, no, maybe. So I've made it so easy. You don't even have to know what to ask. You just print thing off and just ask those questions.

 

Dr. Liz:
Quite little to ask your partner.

 

Mike Johnson:
To ask your partner and to ask yourself.

 

Dr. Liz:
Okay.

 

Mike Johnson:
And so, I mean, it's right there. It's free. I'm not trying to get paid because I we have an epidemic, a pandemic. People not loving each other, people I just posted yesterday that dating is dating is like uber love is rumor. And so I'm trying to combat that. So all the information I'm giving is completely free. That would be one way to start. And then, of course, before you just go and ask your partner, because I hate when people say communicate because what they had is communicate me. I could roll my eyes at you. I'm technically communicating with you. It's a terrible it's not effective, but I'm communicating with you. And so before I get into even to how to communicate, just literally print the thing off and I'm telling you exactly what to say, okay? You know, and you people can get it from any other places as well. And then, of course, I would be remiss if I didn't say, ask a partner, but learn if you if any of these guys have ever been in sales positions, use some of that sales technique not to be sleazy, but ask open any questions. Don't ask. Yes, no questions. I mean, things that we literally know already. I'm I'm so baffled and I'm that's why my body language is coming like this, because it's very simple. It's needed to be known and don't ask. he's a perfect example of what not to do. Guy and girl to get done having sex. How is that? What is the woman going to say?

 

Dr. Liz:
So it was good, of course. Yeah.

 

Mike Johnson:
That was great. Yes, it was good. Like because she's conditioned, as you have saying I love were.

 

Dr. Liz:
Very compliant.

 

Mike Johnson:
Conditioned. Yeah. To be compliant because guess what, when you look at the word feminine or feminine, if a woman if you tell a guy for guys like I want to be more feminine right. Which I would not say to tell you that someone, but if a woman is looking at that absolute, okay, how do I be a woman that to be compliant? And again, I don't like that. That's why I was saying earlier, I don't I feel that some of our language in and of itself is rooted in messing and fucking us up. And so I'm really passionate about that. I'm passionate about what I do. And so I would say instead of saying, how was it say something like this, this is just literally free, I, I love going down on you, but I was, I felt like I wasn't sure exactly what I was doing. I think I might have been a little bit too hard on your clit because I was hurt. As do they. Mike And he said, like, it's really sensitive. How would you like me to do it with pressure? Raspy You're literally navigating the conversation so that therefore you're making it safe for her to open up and answer the question. And now you're also allowing her to think like, let me give him some information of how he can do this better next time.

 

Dr. Liz:
Yeah. And the number of clients who do not talk about their sex clients, well, because of clients, but people but my clients who I've talked to who do not talk about their sex life is I talk like I definitely beat a dead horse talking about this on these episodes because they people don't talk about sex, whether they've been dating, whether they're new and new in a relationship, whether they've been together 20 years. People really struggle to talk about sex. And often it's because of the stigma and it's because of the societal implications and the societal shaming of it. And there's so many factors that go into it. But really, we're not having these conversations and we can we can't have the best sex that we could be having if we're not willing to talk about it. And so I love that you're normalizing that. I, I had a client tell me before that. Well, I can't ask her. It makes it look like I don't know what I'm doing. Well.

 

Mike Johnson:
Well, you don't know. Yeah, it's, you know, so as. Yeah, it's. my God. This is like, so worked up and emotional about this. Like, emotional. See, again, I don't there's a lot of words I don't like because we have a conversation of emotion to be anger, sadness and I get so emotional about this is because I talked about sex and toys right on my social and I was worked up about that as well. I get worked up about this stuff a lot because I just wanna help people. But I can I can 100% guarantee if you just ask and then you do and it's how she light. Guess what? She's happier. You're happier. Yeah. I don't understand how it's hard things like.

 

Dr. Liz:
It is hard indeed. So anyway, let's talk real quick about What's that?

 

Mike Johnson:
As I said, pun intended.

 

Dr. Liz:
I know the number of times we said we could make. You know, what we should have done. When I do the intro, I got to turn this into a drinking game. The number of times we set apart all of the things in our hilarious, I want to talk real quick, though, about performance anxiety, and I want to talk about this idea of the pleasure of a performance and you know, something I talk about so much because it is so important when our focus is on performance so often for a woman that is that Well, and you know what? Let me correct that because as you said earlier, men struggle with also how they're looking and all of those things. I would say historically from big picture, women, they want to show up being, yes, compliant, being feminine, being all of those things. And men want to show up performing. And so whether that's staying hard for however long or lasting for a certain amount of time, how is that impacting the sexual experience when the man's focus is on performance.

 

Mike Johnson:
He has a lack of presence.

 

Dr. Liz:
Okay.

 

Mike Johnson:
He's not present. He's not you know how I'm sure you said I see it all the time to women clients, the male male clients. So all clients get out of your head and getting your body. What we're really saying is you need to cultivate presence in your body instead of in your head. And so I have spoken extensively, and it's on my socials as well about the Times. And many times I've had performance anxiety because I've had I'll speak to me personally, Don't answer your question for it. I've had performance anxiety only when I actually like to grow in the sense of like if I'm just on that beach in Mexico or something and just, you know, and you can't come for one night and we have consensual sex, I'm going to be like freaking Superman pornstar. But when I care and I have emotions attached to her and I want to be great for her, I start thinking too much in my head. I'm not in my body. And so what I feel, what that is doing is that we're or not what I feel. But this is a bit of a deeper take from a scientific aspect that is our our automatic nervous system telling us that we're not in our sympathetic nerves. And so what I mean by that in layman's terms, is that it's our body telling us, Hey, dude, I'm not cool. Call me consent. I am I'm I'm having anxiety. Your breathing is shallow now is not deep, full belly breaths. I know that people hear they say, that doesn't mean shit. It means quite a bit. Ask my girl. She's. She's happy. So therefore you guys listen and so I feel that have performance anxiety for male in women is literally that beautiful thing within us all that's saying hey, slow down right quick, something's going on. Let's talk about it. It's a literally our alert on our phone saying, hey, ding, ding, ding, there's something that we need to go through. We need to be present in back in our body. We need to understand what is going on, whether that be it's some signal to us that's notifying us something is not right. And I, for one, feel that if you're with something that in hour earlier, remember I said, if I can't agree with you, I can't fuck you. This is going back to that. If I can't stop and tell you what's on my mind, then we don't need to be fucking male or woman. Just honestly, literally, like there's been times where I've had sex and I've laughed. You know, Funny shit happens sometimes, especially if you're having fun. There's been times where my partner has cried, you know? And I'm not saying that because I haven't cried like and I've it's not during sex. And I try to be, you know, my God. Right.

 

Dr. Liz:
No, no, I get you mean.

 

Mike Johnson:
There have been times, too, where funny should be happening sometimes in the bedroom. And we will stop for those things. But we won't stop when our body is telling us something so often. And I find this to be more and more women clients so often, and we just try to fuck right through it.

 

Dr. Liz:
Yeah.

 

Mike Johnson:
Because we are trying our damnedest to be pleasing to that individual. And the thing is a part of the issue. I feel like when we a lot of us as Americans, we think it's just a woman thing. And I feel a part of that is because women have it. Women are able to affect it in terms of they with their vulva. A guy has to actually get hard. It it's not hard. You can clearly see something's going on.

 

Dr. Liz:
Right.

 

Mike Johnson:
And so I think that's a part of it as well. Just simply how our anatomy is shaped. Like women also have erectile tissue, you know, they can get a gorgeous engorgement also. But I think that is just so noticeable on a guy.

 

Dr. Liz:
Yeah.

 

Mike Johnson:
That when it's not noticeable on girl girls try to fuck right through it in comparison to Hey guy hey let's just stop right now I don't give a damn to all the ladies listening to my little sister, to my mother, to my grandmother. I have I was on The Bachelorette and I talk about my three ladies, all of my ladies, in the most respectful sense ever. I implore you to don't fuck right through it. Talk about the situation. And yes, there's this thing, old guy. guys, girls talk too much. Guys, I want to hear all that. If you can't talk to him, Yoni, be fucking them. Because guess what? If you can't talk to them, you're not going to be present. You not going to be getting off. Yeah. Now, I mean, I come across extremely comical at times. It just. But I'm so serious. I try to just be relatable to people.

 

Dr. Liz:
And I appreciate that this is this is the place to be relatable. So we appreciate that. Mike, This is this is relatable. Yes, I agree with all of that. I would say that that definitely and you are saying it the communication piece and and the connection piece. So being able to talk through that. So whether in the moment or before, I have seen personally, professionally with my clients, with friends, that when you can have these conversations that makes the biggest difference. And I would say even for men listening who maybe struggle with men or women, I mean, you know, all genders do struggle with performance anxiety, but for since we're talking specifically about men's sexual health, if that is something that you are running into having those conversations before sex, it's talking about your insecurities being open and honest about that, giving her space to be able to reassure and to give you the affirmation that you're looking for can be a complete game changer, you know, during in that moment. And so I if there is one takeaway that I'm giving, it's talk about sex. Talk about sex with your partners. And really, as you've been saying this whole time, see your partner. So be willing to talk about it. But then on the flip side, you've also got to be willing to stop and listen and really see, hear and understand what they're expressing.

 

Mike Johnson:
Instead of better. Myself, I absolutely agree with that.

 

Dr. Liz:
All right, Mike, well, I appreciate you talking all about sex with me. Where can people find you your newsletter, you on socials, your website, everything?

 

Mike Johnson:
Yes. Thank you so much for that. So we just we have a newsletter out right now. It's called Feeling Seen. You can reach a feeling seen dot com as f l i n g s e n feeling si.com where we have board certified sexologists. We have licensed mental health therapist on there. We have we have shoppers on there. We have one seriously. And so my entire team, we are professionals and we answer what we answer a question every single week. One of our community members questions every single week. You can to feeling income right now, typing your question, you can get the discovery list that literally just helps you answer those questions or ask those questions for yourself or for you and your partner and or you can find me on IG at Mike underscore.

 

Dr. Liz:
Johnson Very good And what about is that the website then the feeling seen as the website.

 

Mike Johnson:
Feeling seen as a website yes.

 

Dr. Liz:
Perfect. All right. Well go check him out. He's got lots of good information for you. Go learn how to have sex and how to talk about it, because the end of the day makes the difference. Thanks, Mike. I appreciate it.

 

Mike Johnson:
Thank you so, so much.

 

Dr. Liz:
Thank you, Mike, for that unfiltered and insightful conversation. And thank you all for hanging out with me. A relatable relationship, Unfiltered. Make sure to subscribe to our YouTube channel, Sign up for my newsletter and find me on Instagram at Dr. Elizabeth Federick.