Relatable podcast 

Dr. Liz:
One of the questions that I got was about how to rebuild intimacy after trust has been broken, which is.

 

Mathew Blades:
That it's like somebody cheated or maybe not even that.

 

Dr. Liz:
But then they didn't know. They didn't elaborate. But I would think that that would be the most common that that type of betrayal.

 

Mathew Blades:
You cheat on them. And then the scores even, and now everybody moves on.

 

Dr. Liz:
I'm sure the intimacy is all better. You guys are closer than ever.

 

Mathew Blades:
We even the score and everybody moves on. No, that's the worst advice ever.

 

Dr. Liz:
This is relatable relationships, unfiltered. Hey, welcome to Relatable Relationships unfiltered. Today, I'm hanging out with my friend Matthew Blades, host of the Learn from People Who Lived It podcast for a special series where we focused on intimacy all month long. In this final week, we do a Q&A on your most asked questions, and as I'm sure you can guess. We talk a lot about sex.

 

Mathew Blades:
Okay, this is it. It's week four of intimacy month here on Learn from people who lived it and simultaneously broadcasting on the relatable podcast. There she is, Dr. Elizabeth Frederick. How are you?

 

Dr. Liz:
I'm good. How are you doing?

 

Mathew Blades:
man, I'm ready to go. We've we've got some good questions here as we've been kind of saying all month. This final episode belongs to you guys. What do you want to know? We have some questions. We're going to go over them, and I'm sure it's not a shocker, Doc, but a lot of people have sex questions.

 

Dr. Liz:
I feel them on that for sure. Do you? Yes. That's that is not a shocker. Whether I'm sitting with clients or in my arms or wherever, anyone can get a hold of me to ask those questions. That is the most common.

 

Mathew Blades:
So do you like talking about sex, though?

 

Dr. Liz:
I mean, yeah, sure. Yeah. I mean.

 

Mathew Blades:
I like talking about it, so I'm okay with it. But not everybody is.

 

Dr. Liz:
And I think that that's a product of our culture. I think that that's a reflection of how we make sex out to be a shameful thing, which is, I mean, interesting because it is such a natural part of life. But I wouldn't say that I probably always have been comfortable growing up in a really religious upbringing. It for sure was Shane's. Yeah, but I, I think that's been part of, you know, with my training and then just how much obviously I do it and it's necessary because people don't maybe they want to talk about it. People are afraid to talk about it. It's necessary that we talk about it. So are you up for talking about it? Because otherwise this might be an awkward podcast if I'm.

 

Mathew Blades:
Not like, okay, I mean, sadly, sadly I was wired for it. Like from from a very early age. I became very interested in that part, right? So yeah, it's always been something I'm fascinated by. I'm completely fascinated by the science of it too, and just the psychology of sex and yeah, so I'm all in.

 

Dr. Liz:
Perfect.

 

Mathew Blades:
Before we jump into this conversation, because you are a doctor, I am almost certain that there is some sort of disclaimer. You need to mention upfront before we jump in. Am I right about that?

 

Dr. Liz:
I would appreciate that. Yes. And the disclaimer being that especially when we're doing Q&A, so we're answering some direct questions, that this is not therapy that Matthew and I are providing. This is not coaching, this is not mental health service of any kind. This is just our our thoughts are insights around the question you presented and really that we both I will speak for you in this moment suggest that you seek professional help and that you really get to the bottom. And really, when we're talking about this being the fourth week of what we've done and we've talked about trauma and relationship programing and we've talked about it all, and if this content has resonated, take that as your sign to seek out some help because it could be really helpful to seek out some help. It's profound, deep. You're welcome.

 

Mathew Blades:
Super deep. I was just going to let that hang there to rescue her right now.

 

Dr. Liz:
There's no way you're going to let that go.

 

Mathew Blades:
I had to just let that hang. That's fine. Well, listen, let's let's let's go. So far, so good. I mean, literally tens of thousands of people been impacted by our podcast over the last few weeks. I know that it's helping people understand themselves a lot better. They're kind of figuring out what their intimacy language is, which I think is super neat, super cool. Do you want to dive into questions or is there something you'd like to bring up and talk about before we jump into today's podcast?

 

Dr. Liz:
Now let's do it. Let's answer the questions.

 

Mathew Blades:
All right. So we got Charli and Chandler, So a local guy here, he has a question. He says, My wife and I have settled into a sex routine that is boring and predictable. How can I present and what can I present to her to shake it up? So I'm sure you see this all the time.

 

Dr. Liz:
Yeah, all the time. And it really it is a very common issue for a lot of couples, especially a lot of couples who have been together for a long time. And part of that is that we are creatures of habit or creatures of routine. There's a lot of just comfort in knowing what's familiar, but also a lot of boredom in that. And so my first question to Charlie would be what have the conversations been like around this topic? Has it been brought up? Have you expressed using AI statements versus you statements that there is a concern here and have you started to explore ways to do something about it? I will tell you that nine times out of ten, when I ask that question, the answer is no, because it's a.

 

Mathew Blades:
Scary thought myself. Yeah, for sure. Yeah.

 

Dr. Liz:
Yeah. So that's I think that, you know, starting with that conversation, making sure that it's a really safe set up for it, using words like our sex life is boring. I might not land too well.

 

Mathew Blades:
So don't go with that language.

 

Dr. Liz:
Yeah, maybe it seems like it's really consistent or we're doing very similar things each time. How would you feel about trying something new? And if so, maybe. What are some things you've thought about trying? Yeah. How would you suggest? So I missed the baton.

 

Mathew Blades:
Yeah, I'm a fan of asking because the thing that I have learned in my life is that in the a lot of times if you're feeling that the other person's feeling the same damn thing and they're going to be like, Yeah, me too. What should we do? And so my, my first bit of advice is like what you just said, ask her, ask her, does she feel it? Maybe even not even make it so much about how it has been. Just make it about what you want to do moving forward. You know, it's like maybe, you know, I've been thinking, I I'd like to try something different. I like to spice things up a little bit. And then for me, then it's that discussion of like, Well, okay, what does that look like? Does that? And I think he has to know going in what he wants. He can't just like throw up this big thing and then just sort of see where it goes. Like, clearly Charlie has been thinking about something. So is it a new position that you want to try with her? Do you want to introduce movies, toys, other couples? You know, people are in all kinds of different things. So it's like what do you want to introduce to the relationship? I think Charlie needs to get clear on that and then talk to her because she might feel the same way.

 

Dr. Liz:
I completely agree. And this is where the check ins that you and I talked about previously come into place. This is where they are so beneficial, because if you have weekly check in set up. So, you know, every Thursday night at seven, you guys are going to be talking about your relationship. This is such a perfect opportunity for these type of concerns and that it's not has to be brought up awkwardly or out of nowhere. But you know that this is what you're doing and these are the type of topics that you're discussing and the other element of that is that I really encourage couples, once they kind of get their their bearings with the check ins and they're doing more emotional based questions and just enhancing the emotional intimacy, I always encourage that they start adding in sexual intimacy questions. So they're asking like, what's the favorite? Your favorite time We've had sex. What what is your favorite position? When do you feel most aroused? What turns you on the most? That these topics become normalized in your relationship so that when these situations come up and and I mean, you want to have a hard conversation, but clearly you're afraid to the foundation has already been laid and that's not no pun intended and that's not doesn't feel like completely out of left field and say, hey, babe, what do you think about trying this position?

 

Mathew Blades:
Now, here's my other thing, Charlie. Like you got. I think it's super important to be really honest in these harder conversations, and I think it's completely acceptable to say something like, I want to talk about something, but I'm not really sure how to or how it's going to go. Like just even saying that sentence now completely disarms her. It disarms you, It doesn't make you like it makes you equals in the conversation because you're about to hit her with something that she may or may not have been thinking about too. So I love that kind of brutal honesty when it comes to difficult conversations.

 

Dr. Liz:
Absolutely. I agree. And so that is the that's the first and foremost. Have a conversation around it. And also, just keep in mind, if you're are are wanting to start swinging with couples or swinging from the ceiling or whatever you want to start doing. Yeah, if it's been pretty predictable and routine thus far, don't completely catch her off guard. Maybe you guys can start small and slow early start to introduce new things.

 

Mathew Blades:
So just sorry to interrupt, but like what? What if the part. What if your partner is just not receptive, You know, because that is a truth for some people. They're like, Honey, we're fine, we're fine, you know? And then so like, now what?

 

Dr. Liz:
And so you want to come at it from the angle of it that it is a want and need for you, and it's something that would be important for you. But this is the hard truth that a lot of people don't want to hear. Your partner can say, No, I'm not doing it, and that's your partner's prerogative. And then you at that point have the choice between acceptance or change. So you accept that your partner's boundary, they have no interest in the things that you want to do sexually. And so you can either accept that that's that's just how it is, or you can decide to make a change, whatever that might look like for you, whatever that might look like for the relationship. But you cannot force you cannot manipulate, you cannot trick, you cannot guilt your partner into the sex life that you want. That's not how a healthy or fulfilling sex life is going to work.

 

Mathew Blades:
That's great. Good for you for saying that. Tina in Virginia Beach says, I have a harder question. My husband was sexually abused as a teenage boy and struggles with intimacy as a result. What can I do to help him heal so that we can have an optimal relationship? It's not clear from her question whether or not she's talking exclusively about sex, but we can assume probably that it's not just sex in this case, because you and I both know that abuse can probably contribute to a few other problems, too.

 

Dr. Liz:
Sure. Your help with his healing process is the encouragement for him to seek out professional help. Like there is your you cannot be his therapist. You cannot fix him. You cannot fix it. And so the first and foremost is really encouraging him to get the help that he needs and then being really safe and supportive through that process. So finding out what that looks like, does he want to talk about his sessions, does he not, and respecting whatever that looks like for him. And then the other element of that is really gaining a clear understanding of his trauma triggers. What are the things that are really activating for him and learning how to be sensitive to those and really show up with safety when that's happening. And as we talked about, because we experience trauma in relationships, we also experience healing in relationships. And so the the safety that can come from their dynamic can certainly be part of his healing process. But it's more about what can she do to help him feel safe and secure and loved and all of those things versus what she's actually doing to help heal the trauma.

 

Mathew Blades:
Yes, great advice for almost everybody that's got kind of any situation. I love that. If you want to be supportive, like that's that's a perfect therapy entry point. Like it's to have somebody on your team when you get home that's kind of like, hey, how to go? You know what? What can we do? How can I help? Like, that's incredible.

 

Dr. Liz:
Yeah. Yeah. And when it comes to sexual abuse, it's important to know those triggers for your partner so that you are doing your absolute best to be sensitive to that, especially if they're, you know, working through their healing process. And that can get difficult because abuse in general is really hard to talk about. Sexual abuse is really hard to talk about. And so a lot of times because we don't even like to talk about safe sex together, that that feels uncomfortable talking about something like this can be that much harder. And sometimes that might mean that you join him in his sessions. That might mean that you guys are doing this separate sex therapy together. Outside of his sessions, but it's really just increasing your awareness around around his experiences and around how you can be the corrective experience for his trauma.

 

Mathew Blades:
I love it. Love everything you just said, especially the very first part was you're not going to be the person to fix him. Guide him to a place where you guys can go. I love the idea of then adding couples therapy on top of it, because that's that's the real deal. Can I ask you a question to go back to the word triggers that you use? What can trigger somebody for who's who's suffered sexual abuse? What is your history tell you?

 

Dr. Liz:
I mean, quite frankly, it can be all across the board. It can be a plethora of things. It can be a a scent. It can be an image. It can be a certain way that maybe you touch them or like your interactions, it can be a tone. You I mean, the list goes on and on. And that is where the conversation becomes so important because there's no way, there's no way to know. And the way the the amygdala is designed to store the sensory components of our experiences and especially of our trauma. So that it helps, it becomes the filter to protect us against future threats and harm. And so because it stores those sensory experiences, we don't always know the body remembers what what the brain tries to forget. And so the body might alert us to That was a trigger. And the brain maybe didn't even have conscious awareness. Awareness of it until that point.

 

Mathew Blades:
Okay, I like it. Did you get any questions on on your end? I've got a few more, but I'd love to see if if you had some folks reach out to you and what they might want to know.

 

Dr. Liz:
One of the questions that I got was about how to rebuild intimacy after trust has been broken, which is.

 

Mathew Blades:
So like somebody cheated or maybe not even that.

 

Dr. Liz:
But sure, that they didn't know, they didn't elaborate. But I would think that that would be the most common that that type of betrayal. And I mean, yeah, because.

 

Mathew Blades:
You cheat on them and then the scores even and now everybody moves on.

 

Dr. Liz:
I'm sure the intimacy is all better. You guys are closer than ever.

 

Mathew Blades:
We even the score and everybody moves on. No, that's the worst advice ever, which is I'm on my left and she's on the right. There you go.

 

Dr. Liz:
With this type of thing, it has to start by rebuilding the trust first and foremost. And so this is going to come through intentionality. Okay. The the person who broke trust has to take accountability. They have to take clear ownership of it. They have to be able to share what they're willing to do different in the future to prevent it from happening again. Whatever the thing is, there has to be just so much ownership up as the as the first step to rebuilding trust. But then the person on the receiving end of the rebuilding trust or the betrayal is they have to be open to rebuilding trust. And what I see happen quite frequently is that the person who broke trust is maybe scrambling and doing everything in their power. And the person who's been hurt is sitting there saying, not good enough, not good enough, keep trying. And that is just eroding the intimacy further and further and further.

 

Mathew Blades:
Yeah, we talk about it all the time. I learned from people who live. That is that's you can you can go through things and you can build up walls that are so big. The good people can't get through. And and this is certainly true with what you're just saying. It's like you could build up a wall where even the best of intentions from a person who loves you, who made a mistake, are trying to come back into the picture. You know? I mean, you're not going to let them in. Okay. Keep keep going. I feel like I interrupted you, though.

 

Dr. Liz:
no. You didn't at all. No. And that that's exactly that's exactly it. And and we can have empathy for that for the person who's been hurt. We can understand where they're coming from. They're trying to stay safe. But if if it's your desire to stay in the relationship and you're saying that you want to repair the intimacy, even though you're not the one that necessarily did something wrong, so to speak, you still have a role in repairing the intimacy and something that I, I believe, which is very controversial and not the.

 

Mathew Blades:
I'm going to get controversial in a second anyways. Go ahead.

 

Dr. Liz:
Often when there is some type of affair or some type of betrayal in that way, that person did not just wake up that morning nine times out of ten. There's the there's the one out of ten That's just a real asshole or whatever. Female male, whatever. That's not my point. But the majority of the people, they don't just wake up and say, You know what, I'm really going to screw up my partner's life today. That is my plan, right? And so generally each person does have a role. And there have been things that have led to where you guys are at. And so because you've each had a role in getting you guys there, you each have a role in the repair. So sorry. Cringing.

 

Mathew Blades:
No, that's what I exactly what I was going to say. That's how controversial I was going to be. I was going to be like, okay, listen, if the cheater is going to own all their stuff, unless you're just a total asshole, something has happened along the way that made you even want to stray or get away or find that need somewhere else. And so the other person needs to own that little bit too. And it can't be this thing where and you probably see this all the frickin time in your in your line of work because like, people want to they want to compare their their pain and their trauma. And like, what happened to me is worse than what happened to you. And what you did is like a six on the deck scale, but mine was only a three. And you probably see that all the time.

 

Dr. Liz:
All the time. All the time. And that's like just completely dismissing each other's experience over and over and over, just trying to be hurt. I mean, really the objective is just validate me, acknowledge me, tell me that my pain is real. But in order to get that, they are completely dismissing and minimizing and invalidating their partners experience, that that's not this is never going to work that way. But yes, I see that all of the time. We are going to one up with the pain you did this was because you did this and people could go for hours with that conversation.

 

Mathew Blades:
And what's the old expression? An eye for an eye leaves the world blind, like we just keep punching each other. Eventually everybody's knocked out, man.

 

Dr. Liz:
Yeah. So, yeah, in my my, like, real applicable, you know, for people listening who can relate to that start by validating your partner's experience. If they bring something to you and they have been hurt, whether you agree with it or not, whether you agree with their experience or how they're feeling about it, that's a moot point. If the person you claim to love the most in this world or just love it all comes to you and says, I am feeling hurt by X, Y, and Z. You don't have to agree to say, I hear you, I see you. I can understand why you would feel that way, why that would be your experience, and then ask a follow up question. Really seek to understand what's going on for them. That is like first and foremost what I suggest everyone take away from this conversation.

 

Mathew Blades:
Yeah, me too. And then I think it's also important to kind of articulate this point, which is if you know in your heart there's no reentry or there's no way back then, don't you just have to adult up and make that clear? Don't you just have to say, listen, you broke trust on the kind of person that I feel like it's you're you're never going to be able to build it up. And so this thing is going to have to end rather than sort of play the game of well, well, let me see what what they're willing to do. Let me see how much they want to be in this relationship. And then, like you said, kind of pull to pull the rug underneath them eventually anyways.

 

Dr. Liz:
Yeah, and I do agree with that. And I would say for a lot of people leaving is just not that easy. And so whether it's financial or family or religion or living like what we can go on and on making the decision to leave a relationship is not that easy. And so I think that's what becomes even more infuriating besides the heartbreak of the betrayal. But you have hurt me and I'm stuck. I don't even have the choice to leave if I want to. And I think that that becomes really overwhelming for a lot of people. And that's when they start hurting back because they feel like that's their only option because they're stuck with them. And so what I would say to that is if you don't have the option to leave, fine. But to. MATTHEWS point, then communicate, This is where I'm at. I am so hurt and so angry and I don't think that there's value and was going to therapy right now because I don't even really want to hear what you have to say, quite frankly, and kind of navigating what that looks like in the space that you're in. And so maybe you're ready for that. But I do agree, just beating them upside the head every day and saying, what do you know what? How are you going to fix it? How you going to fix it? Like that's kind of screwed up as well.

 

Mathew Blades:
Yeah. Yeah. Gosh, you're really special. I mean, really, you haven't. You have a great way of putting things. And even in that moment, I mean, to be able to articulate why somebody might be playing with so much venom in their relationship, because, I mean, how many thousands of people are in relationship? I used to do a ton of work with couples in domestic violence. I shouldn't say couples, the women who survived domestic violence situations. And, you know, the stories that you heard were always awful, but it makes sense like they felt trapped. And for them, the way out was just to be scrappy and fight back and be rude and loud and do all of the things because they just wanted them. They wanted that person to feel all the pain that they had inflicted on them. In a manner of speaking, that makes sense.

 

Dr. Liz:
Completely, completely. And asking somebody, Why didn't you just leave? Please do not ever say that ever again. That is just the most ignorant thing that is, not everyone does not have that luxury. And what a horrible feeling to not.

 

Mathew Blades:
Yeah. Good, good stuff. All right. Emily in Scottsdale. back to a husband question. This is interesting. And there's a common theme here, which is men don't do a good job of working on their shit, and they need to do a better job working on their stuff. So my husband had a hard childhood. Now he withdraws, he avoids conversations and just stays busy. What's your advice? Advice on how to approach that conversation so I can support him.

 

Dr. Liz:
I would start by asking, does he even have any interest in changing? Does he? What is his motivation? What is his interest in showing up in this relationship in the way that you need him to and that gauging that? First and foremost, I think that's a great place to start because, I mean, what's going on for him is he is he wanting the relationship to be different? Is he fine just the way it is? Like, that's where I would start with that.

 

Mathew Blades:
Yeah, that seems like a really logical place to start. And here's what's interesting and I hope people are keying in on this, is that I know for myself every single difficult conversation that I was going to have in my life, I overthought it and talked myself out of it. And so many times as I've now stepped into a completely different operating system where I'm not as intimidated by those difficult conversations anymore, I find that most of the time people are like, Yeah, me too. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Let's work this out. Like people like what I said earlier. Like, if you're feeling it, there's a pretty good chance other people are feeling it too. People. We talked about that in week three, about that hustle culture, that busy culture, and people staying busy all the time. So they have to avoid things. Do you think that this Emily in Scottsdale, you think she has an opportunity to to to say, like, hey, I feel like we go, go, go. And I kind of just want to chill out a couple of nights and not do as much, especially because I'm just looking to hang out with you. And then you can kind of see how that's received, right?

 

Dr. Liz:
Sure. Absolutely. It's it's always appropriate to express a need or to express a want a concern. I think another great place to start with this would even just I'm feeling disconnected lately and I'm wondering how you've been feeling about the relationship. And I'm also wondering what I can do to show up for you better and what I can do to bring in that connection, because that would be my other piece for Emily is what is your role in this? What like what like how are you contributing to the disconnection? How are you contributing to and this is not a finger pointing thing or about blame, but is there a reason that your husband is avoiding you? Is there a reason that he's avoiding interactions like it is?

 

Mathew Blades:
Are you? Emily? Come on.

 

Dr. Liz:
What's that?

 

Mathew Blades:
Were you fun to be around? Emily, Come on.

 

Dr. Liz:
Yeah, well, and I would even wonder if Emily is maybe criticizing or nagging or controlling or or not even on the flip side, like, not providing praise or not like making him want to be around again. You can't make anyone do anything. But that is where I would also suggest that Emily starts is like, What is your role in the disconnection and why doesn't he want to be around?

 

Mathew Blades:
Yeah. And then if you find out that it's all on him now, we have a different conversation now. We've got to, you know, talk about. Sure.

 

Dr. Liz:
And the odds are it's not all going to be on on him. But if you say, what can I do to show up differently? And then you actually start showing up differently, that means you actually have to do what he says that, you know, he's looking for and eating one, wanting. And then he is not showing up differently in the way that you need then. Yes. To your point, then that is most certainly a different conversation. But start by checking in on how you're influencing it and then have an open conversation and start those weekly check ins. Damn it.

 

Mathew Blades:
What? You love the.

 

Dr. Liz:
Weekly check ins?

 

Mathew Blades:
Yeah, I love it. I think it's great. I wish more of us did it all the time. You know, it's interesting to me. I was just thinking about as you and I were talking like Tina and Emily, both of these people are in a relationship where they just they want to see it get better. And I have a tendency to really love that. I have a tendency to lean into that a little bit. And I'm like, Man, how cool is this? That that Tina is sitting there and she's thinking, How can I make my relationship better? And Emily's thinking the same thing, and to a degree, so is Charlie, and so is Kyle, who we're getting ready to hear about. And Samantha, like, it's neat for me. All these people are in relationships where they're looking for something more, and they just don't know how to get there.

 

Dr. Liz:
Yeah, and anyone who took the time to send you a question, right, like to take again out of our busy culture or fast paced culture, to take the time to say this has really been weighing on my heart and Matthew's providing an opportunity for me to ask this like, Yeah, I'm going to be vulnerable enough to do that for sure. I mean, that's admirable that it's worth it for them.

 

Mathew Blades:
All right, We can go to Sam in Flagstaff or Kyle in San Diego. Where do you want to go?

 

Dr. Liz:
Let's go to San Diego.

 

Mathew Blades:
San Diego says, Hey, guys, my wife is a beautiful woman. I love her. She loves me. But we do have a problem. After three kids, she has struggled with her weight. It's developed into some body image issues and simply put, she doesn't feel pretty anymore. And that's impacted our sex life. Is it possible for me to help her understand that I don't care about the way they just want my confident wife back again? Here's is a guy just trying to make his life better and make his relationship better.

 

Dr. Liz:
And so much empathy for the both of them because, I mean, so as a female, as I would say, I don't know any I've never met a female who hasn't struggled with her weight or with insecurities. And so to know what that feels like and to know that that is when we feel we shame around that. And that's that's a cultural message, that we should feel shame around that. And so that's really hard to then be raw and vulnerable and naked even in front of somebody who loves you and then so hard and frustrating for him because I don't know a man I've met who hasn't said, You're beautiful, you know, like, that's so for him. He's like, I don't care about that. I just want to connect so hard, like such conflicting experiences that they're having, but neither with malcontents. And that's a hard place to be.

 

Mathew Blades:
What do you do? Do you do you open it up? I mean, to me, maybe there's a good chance that she's thinking about it, too. Maybe. Maybe she's feeling a little bit of that. Like I'm not feeling pretty anymore. And I'm wondering if he can't offer, I don't know, more compliments or try to use words that might make her feel better. I don't know what's coming to your mind.

 

Dr. Liz:
No. And for sure, that's that's a valuable thing to do regardless. Also, this is a her thing, and that's a hard thing to hear, especially when he's wanting it to be fixed. What you can't express is the way it's impacting you and asking how you can support her in in her working to get that confidence back, whatever that looks like. But she's going to have to choose to do something about that. So again, going back to you can't fix your partner. I have never worked with a couple where one is given enough compliments to change the other person's mind about an insecurity or about something that they feel really embarrassed about. And so I would say that that it's a hard thing to fix. But that doesn't mean that he can't express how it's impacting him. And he can't in a very gentle please, please sensitive, gentle, loving way. But to say the things he is saying, I think you're beautiful and I want to be intimate with you and I want to be connected to you. How can I support you and doing something about this? But going back to what we were saying earlier, if she chooses not to do something about it.

 

Mathew Blades:
That's the way it's going to be.

 

Dr. Liz:
That's the way it's going to be.

 

Mathew Blades:
Yeah. And it's interesting, right? Like, I love his last line, which is I want my confident wife back. So it's not even like he wants to have more sex or be more intimate. He's like, I miss her confidence. I miss the way she used to carry herself. And so to me, the conversation can be a whole lot less about sex and weight, and it can be a whole lot more about like, Hey, I just want you feeling like that girl. I fell in love with, you know, who just believes in herself so much? How can we how can I help you get that person back? Or what can I do to be a part of that process or I don't know. I'm a man, so I want to fix everything.

 

Dr. Liz:
No. And I think that that's that's valid. How can I support you in the process of doing that? And also, is that even something that she wants? Right. There's a good chance she is so burnt out and overwhelmed and just trying to get through the day that she's like, you know, sashaying around in some heels. And a mini skirt is probably not high on her priority list, which I hear that's not what he's asking. But I also know as a woman, that's our brains go to like, that's nice that you want me to be confident. Also, I have 5 million things I'm trying to do. And so I think that the conversation comes from a safe, supportive place of saying, This is what's going on, this is how it's impacting me, how it's impacting the relationship. And I would love to support you in doing something about it. If it's something you're open to.

 

Mathew Blades:
Okay. Final question. My husband and I are insanely busy. I like this question because my wife and I have kicked this around a couple of times. My husband and I are insanely busy. We have three kids under six and they all are in activities we both work. Simply put, we don't have time for sex. I've heard of people scheduling sex. Does that work?

 

Dr. Liz:
It does. It does work. As much as people hate that and hate hearing that, it works. It does. Where it gets interesting, as sometimes a partner might, it might be heart like. That's where maybe the boring comes in or when they feel it's too routine or the scheduled. And so that sometimes it's hard for arousal because they like the spontaneity is funny. They like the novelty. And so that can sometimes be tricky. And also like when you have small kids, so everyone goes to bed and then you're like, okay, let's go do it. And so then you're like completely shifting the mood. That can be hard as well. But scheduling it is actually for people who that's really their only option. That's a great idea. And actually when I work with couples who haven't had sex in a really long time, we usually start by doing something like that because then each person is aware they know what kind of what they're coming into. There's just an awareness around what's about to happen versus feeling rejected. Or maybe you didn't shave that day or you didn't take care of your hygiene the way you wish you would have, or, you know, all those things that can be extra awkward when you haven't had sex in a long time.

 

Mathew Blades:
Yeah, that's interesting. You know, one of the things that I'm that I'm kind of reminded of and again, having gone through this myself was when I visited with a therapist, he said something to me, really profound. He said, sex isn't a one way street is like it's not just the man's responsibility to initiate sex every day. It's not, you know, it's the or the woman, right? Like most couples, there's one person who initiates more than others. But in no case should there be a relationship where it's one sided, where it's that one person asking for it all the time. Speak to that a little bit.

 

Dr. Liz:
No, you're absolutely right, because that that fosters a serious imbalance. And whether with somebody feeling rejected more often than not or feeling and and if you're always feeling like you have to pursue that set, you have to get rejected twice because first of all, you're always pursuing so you don't ever feel pursued. And then second of all, if you're always pursuing, you're the one getting told no when they don't want to. And that starts to create quite a rupture of not feeling wanted desired feeling as though your partner's attracted to you. So yes, I absolutely. Now, that doesn't mean it has to be 5050. So let's be really clear on that. I don't want anyone walking away like I heard on this podcast that like, no, it doesn't have to be 5050. There often is, as you're saying, there is somebody who's more often the pursuer or somebody who likes to be pursued. I prefer to be pursued, but my partner's always going to know that I want them right, that I'm attracted to them, that I desire them. I just might not be the one to initiate because of just preference, but so then maybe it's a 30, 70 or something like that where you like they still want to be pursued at times. And so that I think that's important to be aware of.

 

Mathew Blades:
Okay, well, that's all we've got for for questions. Is there anything you feel like we haven't kicked around yet? I'm sure there's a million things we haven't kicked around yet, but does anything come up for you as we've been talking?

 

Dr. Liz:
My main takeaways would be start talking about sex more often. So start whatever that easing into conversations and considering trying some novelty, even if it's just small things, different positions, different times of day, whatever that looks like, and making sure that you are creating safety in emotional, intellectual, physical, sexual, like in your dynamics, that there is safety. And that's going to go a really long way for your intimacy.

 

Mathew Blades:
Okay, sounds good to me. Well, Dr. Elizabeth said, Derek, it's been such a fun month for me to sit and visit with you every week and talk stuff out because it's just so important. I mean, I talk to men all the time who come to me with this kind of like thing, right? Friends of mine, people that that are just in my circle. Right. And so and I know that so many couples deal with this. I know that there's so many couples where it's a one way street, where it's one sided, where somebody doesn't want to, you know, there's all these these things out there. And then so what you have is you have all these people spinning out of control in their lives because this really important piece, intimacy, really important piece of their marriage isn't whole, isn't there, and it's only not whole and not there because they don't really know how to talk about it. And so that's what I think we've been able to do over the last four weeks. If you don't have an entry point to a conversation surrounding intimacy, after this, four weeks, we suck. We did not do a good job and I don't think we sucked. We did a good job.

 

Dr. Liz:
Well, yeah, maybe both. Who knows? We definitely failed you. If you have no where to start with everything. I mean, because we've gone through it all the programing, how your experiences have impacted it, how it's showing up present day, what you can do about it, like after these four weeks, if your desire is to improve your intimacy, if that's your true desire, you no doubt have somewhere to start with it.

 

Mathew Blades:
Amazing. We will link to Dr. Elizabeth Frederick in our show notes. And it's important to note that you you see people, you see couples. And so maybe even somebody heard this cast in the like, man, I want to work with that one. And that is certainly something that's an option for you. So. Okay. Well, listen, thank you so much. What do you got planned this weekend? Here is we are in the final week of July.

 

Dr. Liz:
I don't have anything planned this weekend. I'm heading to Prague here next week. So that's that's what I guess I'm preparing for.

 

Mathew Blades:
What's it waiting for you in Prague.

 

Dr. Liz:
Myself for going. I'm going on a reflective just just going to go be I don't do a very good job it just being if you haven't caught on to that. So that's my plan is just to work out and walk and eat and just be.

 

Mathew Blades:
You like eat, pray, love. You're going to go do the movie?

 

Dr. Liz:
Yeah, totally. Just that corny. You got it. I love that.

 

Mathew Blades:
Thank you. No, no, no. And I don't care about me. I talk about you. I love that you're going to go do that because probably going to have some really neat, profound moments. And it's worth noting, you know, I like to articulate the obvious, which is all she's going to do is choose to pour into herself for a few days, for a week. And almost anybody can do that. You don't have to fly to Prague to look inward. Yes, you.

 

Dr. Liz:
Can.

 

Mathew Blades:
Very true you can, but you don't have to. So I wish you really, really just an awesome trip. And I hope that it's peaceful and I hope that you enjoy some good food. And more than anything, I hope you you find something out about yourself that you can really use.

 

Dr. Liz:
Thank you. I appreciate that. I hope so. As well. But now are you going to tell me what you're going to do for July or. No, we're just talking.

 

Mathew Blades:
Yeah, well, listen, the hockey the hockey situation is getting ready to start back up again. And so both my boys play. I coach the Desert Vista hockey team, and so we've got camp and then evaluation ends and then literally the season starts August 8th. So it's like right here.

 

Dr. Liz:
And then is it just a shit storm from here on out?

 

Mathew Blades:
That is exactly what I call it a shit storm. Yeah.

 

Dr. Liz:
I would imagine gas prices are.

 

Mathew Blades:
Like 530 in the morning, so you have to get up insanely early. Everything has to be done before school. Yeah. So it's kind of a shit show, but it's fun.

 

Dr. Liz:
Yeah. Does your wife enjoy the games and everything? Is she?

 

Mathew Blades:
yeah. Yeah, she is. You know, Nikolay was a cheerleader her whole life, so she, you know, she cheered a cu. She she was a Kansas City Chiefs cheerleader. Like to describe Nikola is to describe it that way. She's a cheerleader, and she frickin loves her boys more than she loves anything in the world, including me. And so she she is the ultimate soccer mom at every game with the hoodie, with her kids. Last name on it. And she's the hype woman. She's all in, man. She's all in.

 

Dr. Liz:
That's a good mom. I love.

 

Mathew Blades:
That. It's a lot of fun. All right, doc, have a great afternoon. Fly and travel safe. We'll see you when you get back.

 

Dr. Liz:
All right. Thanks, Matthew. I appreciate it. Thank you, Matthew, for hanging out with me all month long. I enjoyed getting intimate with you. And thank you all for hanging out. Unrelatable relationships, unfiltered. Make sure to subscribe to our YouTube channel, Sign up for my newsletter and find me on Instagram at Dr. Elizabeth Fedrick.