Relatable podcast 

Mathew Blades:
I carried a lot of shame around my sexuality. Probably to this day, if I'm being completely honest with myself and everybody else right about the way that I think about it and the way that I operate around it. And, you know, everybody doesn't want to be a weirdo. And so you don't bring the stuff up to everybody because folks have opinions. But yeah, we're in a good, safe place here. So I feel like I can kind of kick this around.

 

Dr. Liz:
Shane seems to be one of our biggest barriers to intimacy, and I don't just again mean sexual intimacy. I mean the closeness and deep connection with another human. This is relatable relationships, unfiltered. Hey, welcome to Relatable Relationships unfiltered. Today, I'm hanging out with my friend Matthew Blades, host of To Learn From People Who Lived It podcast for a special series where we'll be focusing on intimacy all month long. This week, we chat all about how our trauma impacts our intimacy.

 

Mathew Blades:
Well, we are back for week three. It's intimacy Month here on Learn From People Who Lived It. And on the Relatable podcast, I'm Matthew Blaydes. Good afternoon to you, Dr. Elizabeth. Fredrik, how are you?

 

Dr. Liz:
I'm good. How are you doing, Matthew? It is my pleasure to be back here.

 

Mathew Blades:
It's been a good day, you know what I mean? Lots of really good meetings today. And of course, been looking forward to reconvening with you on this intimacy thing, because today we really want to spend the bulk of our conversation on the barriers to intimacy. And now you and I both agree there's a few things that probably fall underneath that umbrella, things like how we lose it, Some of the common struggles that you see as a therapist fears, and that we've also kind of dangled this thing for the last couple of weeks about what if you're hardwired not to receive intimacy because of some trauma in the past? These are all barriers to intimacy. So what are you looking forward to today as we set an intention for this podcast.

 

Dr. Liz:
I am looking forward to really providing some hope for for people who are listening to normalize that a lot of these struggles are common and that we all experience some to some extent and then to provide some hope that change is possible. And even if intimacy has not been your strong suit thus far, it can be something that is work towards.

 

Mathew Blades:
Yeah, I echo what you said. And then I also want to remind everybody about week one, which was the very definition of the intimacy language. You knew. You taught us all that there's five kinds of emotional, physical, intellectual, experiential and spiritual. And so it's not just about improving sex, it's about improving all these areas of intimacy. And it's been real educational for me. And so let me say thank you on behalf of everybody for for all the info and insight you provided so far.

 

Dr. Liz:
Absolutely. And it has been such an honor to have these conversations with you and to get your perspective on them as well. And, you know, as you and I talked about, even your vulnerability in last week's episode of just letting me talk you through that and for you to be really open, I think that's really helpful for a lot of people who are sharing the same struggles that you and I have. So thank you.

 

Mathew Blades:
Okay, let's jump in. We can start in a couple of different places. We can talk about the hardwired because of some trauma. We can talk about fears. We can talk about how we lose it, what feels natural.

 

Dr. Liz:
Yeah. So let's talk a little bit about the hardwiring, because I do think that that will flow from week two when we were talking about relational programing. And when we're talking about relational programing, we're talking about the accumulation of those consistent experiences and so often what the programing is, is really the repeated interactions that we have with caregivers. And it's not really more of maybe these one off traumas or maybe the more overt traumas where that it does tie into it. But when we're talking about being hardwired, I believe that that's just another way of saying programs. And so this could be from either what we talked about in week two with a lot of those repeated experiences. And it can also be from more of the overt ones such as sexual abuse or spiritual trauma that create shame around sexuality. And that this when we're talking about the hardwired, it is creating what we call core beliefs. And I think we've we've touched on that. But these core beliefs become the lens through which we see the world. And so if we because of situations of sexual trauma or religious aspects, are taught that sex is something that shameful, it's embarrassing, it's something to hide from, to avoid, we then believe that we're hardwired to not be able to be intimate when in fact we have been programed that way.

 

Mathew Blades:
Yeah. And it's also probably worth noting that if you had caregivers who weren't very lovey dovey with you growing up and so you never really learned how to be intimate in situations, right? Because isn't that happening more and more, too?

 

Dr. Liz:
Yes. Well, elaborate on what you mean by more and more.

 

Mathew Blades:
Well, you're right. You're probably right. It's been happening forever and it probably will keep happening unless we kind of confront the situation. Maybe that's more accurate.

 

Dr. Liz:
Yeah, I think that maybe when we think about our generations, the way that we were raised, the way that our parents were raised, I think that there was a lot more emotional neglect, was a lot more common. And we think about a lot of the stressors that was going on for them during that time. Just generally, generationally, I want to say that it's actually improving in these future generations. But, you know, I guess perspective is reality. So that could just because of the bubble that I'm in, to be honest.

 

Mathew Blades:
Okay, fair enough. Yeah, I would. So so if you've had some of these moments along the way and they've wired you in in such a way where it is harder for you to get into those spaces, how are you able to help people take on on unraveling that a little bit because you kind of got to break it down and then you get to build it back up better, right, Or rewire it?

 

Dr. Liz:
Yeah. And it's having as we've talked a lot about, it's having awareness of these situations, but then putting yourself in this in situations to start to reprogram and just start to retrain your brain. And so if intimacy is something that you've struggled with, the inner child work that we've talked about, it's it's important to sit in that. And what I often suggest for my clients is even for them to do their own inner child work daily. So for them to sit in that almost meditative state and because the way that the brain fires is the way that it wires. And so if it has fired throughout most of your life without intimacy, why would we think you had all the sudden be prone to intimacy? Why would it be why would it think that that's a safe or normal thing? It's very foreign. And so we have to start to create a new template. And while that happens with in our relationships, as we've talked about creating that support system and safe people around, does one of the most effective ways to create that template of even allowing nurture and intimacy is to do a visualization literally daily for a while of allowing your inner child to be attended to and nurtured in the way that it needed. And you can pick whatever age range that is. So when I think about it, that's that's my five year old self. I have a very specific memory of I'm lying in bed sobbing in the middle of the day, but knowing, knowing no one was going to come, knowing in spite of how tiny my house was, the whole everyone in the house could hear it. No one was going to attend to it. And I even knew at that age that was the case. And so when I do my inner child work, that's usually the age that, you know, I'm going back to that five year old little girl on her top bunk. I mean, I have the very clear memory of like, no one is going to come like, this is a very this is a exercise in futility right now.

Mathew Blades:
Yeah. Well, I'm glad you shared that. Thank you very much. It's it's, it's how we connect. And I would just double down on that because while you were talking, I was just thinking about my own inexperience surrounding intimacy. And I don't know if you'd call it trauma, but I, like I've discovered my dad's porn collection. When I was like six or something like that. And I liked it. Like, I don't know what it was. I don't think I even knew what the hell it was, but I knew that I was drawn to it in in such a way. And I never understood why. Like when I would get into situations. All right, let's just dive in. When I would get into situations where where sex was going to be a part of the equation. Why? Sometimes I would get this over whelming fear, anxiety, kind of feeling come through me for for a while. It even manifested it like in performance anxiety and I couldn't even bring myself to the occasion. Like I would just get so in my head about it and I didn't understand until I had my retreat a couple of years ago that that probably was a result of the way I got wired at six to think about sex and the therapist literally put it to me very square. And she was like, So for a lot of times in your life, you actually brought a six year old to the party and that operating system of that inner child was who was showing up in those experiences. And that's why it felt so strange for you. I would love to know what you think about her explanation of that situation.

 

Dr. Liz:
I agree. And I think because of the confusion that that six year old. So when you're saying I don't even know what I was looking at, but you knew it was interesting. You knew was intriguing. You knew you there was components of it that you liked. I'm curious if you also knew there was this side of you that I shouldn't be looking at. It was that you were aware of.

 

Mathew Blades:
definitely carry a lot of shame into I carried a lot of shame around my sexuality probably to this day, if I'm being completely honest with myself and everybody else right about the way that I think about it and the way that I operate around it. And, you know, everybody doesn't want to be a weirdo. And so you don't bring this stuff up to everybody because folks have opinions. But yeah, we're in a good, safe place here. So I feel like I can kind of kick this around.

 

Dr. Liz:
Yeah. And so that would that would be my first thought around it. I agree with her assessment in terms of you are not developmentally ready. So when you think about being then in situations as you got older, you were bringing that side of you that was not developmentally ready. I agree. The other portion of this, though, would be the shame aspect, and shame seems to be one of our biggest barriers to intimacy. And I don't just again, mean sexual intimacy. I mean the closeness and deep connection with another human. And so when we think about that, you knew there was this part of it that was secretive and that you shouldn't get like air quotes. Shouldn't it be doing right that you then carried that message with you? So instead of sex being introduced as this safe, beautiful, enjoyable thing, your first introduction was that it was this confusing, kind of bizarre. You sort of liked it, but there was also the secrecy around it. That's a lot of mixed emotions for your first exposure to sexuality.

 

Mathew Blades:
Right?

 

Dr. Liz:
Right. So that would be my guess. Yeah. That you took that with you. And then when we tie in that, it's not just the shame, just about sexuality. And then I'm thinking about, you know, my inner child, my five year old self, and the shame of no matter what emotional needs I have, they're going to be neglected. And if they do get attended to, it's going to be to tell me to knock it off. Then I'm bringing that shame with me into my romantic relationships. And so then when I have an emotional need, which is is very common and I don't want to stereotype, but it's very interesting. Interesting, even as we're talking about this, that my shame around the emotional piece and your shame around the sexuality piece. And when I'm working with couples, that's often what we see is that the woman is coming in with these unmet emotional needs and the man is coming in with these unmet physical sexual needs. And then when we dig in, there's it's often attached to the inner child.

 

Mathew Blades:
And do I hate playing into stereotypes, but whatever? Well.

 

Dr. Liz:
We did it together.

 

Mathew Blades:
We did it together as good point. Well, I think that's a great job of articulating how this stuff shows up for us and how these things, as we said last week in the episode about how this relational programing really is important and why it's important, You and I both did a great job, I think, just now of illustrating that. What about fears of intimacy? Let's dive into that component a little bit.

 

Dr. Liz:
Yeah. And so tying into the same of what we're talking about so we can look at yours, there's fears around the shame piece, the shame of the sexuality. We can also look at that when we talk about insecure attachment styles. So when we're feeling triggered, how we might show up as more anxious or avoidant disorganized that's also tied into humans greatest fear is of abandonment and rejection, because that that meant our demise when we think in tribal times and from the evolutionary perspective, if we were kicked out of or rejected from our tribe, that meant there was no chance at survival. And so humans are hardwired to want that the acceptance from others. And so a lot of the fear of intimacy is even around that fear of if I let anyone get too close, they might reject me or abandon me.

 

Mathew Blades:
I don't know if I understand. I think that's one of those words that I even myself sometimes use quite a bit like abandonment, fear of abandonment. I this is going to sound so silly, but would you mind explaining abandoned more and how it is like where we get. Yeah, thank.

 

Dr. Liz:
You. Yeah, let's break that down. So so when I'm talking about and I will just briefly reference it, but then I'll talk a more modern time, but when I'm talking about in from a tribal perspective, we know that we had to survive together in groups. So whether it was the hunter gatherer, the protection, there was safety in numbers. And so when we're talking about that from a psychology perspective, really being hardwired into US community, community and connection. And so then now in modern day times, we, you know, we think we're so independent and we can do all of these things alone that we don't need people when in reality we do. And so that fear still exists. But if we grew up in environments where there was not emotional intimacy and we were not our emotional needs were not taken care of, we develop either this anxious, avoidant or disorganized response to that. So your attachment style and so the anxious response to that would be pursuing and really like begging and pleading and fawning and trying to do whatever we can to get that attention. Whereas the avoidant side of that is saying, Well, I'm not going to get this anyway, so I just need to figure out how to meet my needs on my own. And so becoming hyper independent, but regardless of what attachment style is developed, the fear is the same of rejection or abandonment. It's just how we're handling it that's different. And so the abandonment can be anything from, you know, your parent leaving as a child. So leaving long term or when fights would happen, they would maybe leave for short periods of time. You don't know when they're going to come back. But then we carry that with us into adulthood and we're afraid of the people who we love the most, leaving. Gosh, does that help at all?

 

Mathew Blades:
Yeah, it does. And I and I just sit here thinking like, yeah, I understand that we have that fear, but the way we express it usually is so twisted.

 

Dr. Liz:
for sure. And also depending on, on your attachment style, because if you tend to be more anxious, then there's the begging and the pleading and the putting up with everything being a doormat. If you tend to be more avoidant, then it's like, Well, whatever, I don't need you anyway. Or we can go back to the self-sabotaging and it's pushing people away before they have a chance to leave. So you're right, it's usually a very effed up response to it. But again, survival. We're just trying to figure out the best chance at it.

 

Mathew Blades:
Yeah, cause you know, what's coming through me right now is that I just really hope that folks are understanding why therapy could be so beneficial for you and why it could help in so many different areas of your life. Because honestly, you yourself are absolutely incredible at this. But there are other people that are really, really good at it, too, and somebody is out there for you. I firmly believe in my whole heart that there are people that were sent to this universe with the sole purpose of helping you get to where you want to go and therapists, man, you guys are such an asset because of the way that you can help explain things, because of how you can help us come into our own knowledge and the other thing that you're usually really, really, really, really good at is asking some pretty interesting questions so that we find the answers ourselves. So I just really felt in that moment sort of compelled to put a put a big stamp on why therapy is so good for people and why it will help you sort out so many, you know, different things. So speaking of that, what are some of the common things that you see in your practice? What are some of the common struggles that you see? And I'm sure there must be five or six that's like, yep, yep, yep. And not the dismissive way, but like almost everybody has.

 

Dr. Liz:
So the emotional neglect piece, you know, when we're keeping this really in terms of intimacy, the emotional neglect is one of the most common things that I see that people are really quick to look past, to dismiss or to minimize, add to situations. Over the last few days of this in clients, of both of them showing up as really anxious in their relationships and doormats and really putting up with a lot. And both of them coming in saying, you know, childhood wasn't that bad. I, you know, I was loved. I had my I had these needs met. And then as we start to break it down, they start to realize the areas where there was emotional neglect, which is more of a covert trauma. So it's looked past a lot of times. But I guess to even just echo a little bit of what you're saying in terms of people that are listening right now, I encourage you to look deeper if you are struggling, if you're caught up in this anxious, avoidant dance, which would be to add to the list, that's another thing that we very commonly see where the anxious and the avoidant are drawn to each other. And that creates this this perfect storm of dysfunction of push and pull. If you're caught up in the cycle, if you feel like you're just not lovable, you're just not good at relationships, you just can't get it right, But then you're like, but it's not. It's not my childhood. Everything was fine. I don't want to take that away from you. Everything could have been fine. And was there more to the story. And so that's really what I would encourage. You know, people when we talked about doing the timeline and just really digging into that, like, were there moments when you were you needed something and somebody didn't show up to meet that need, you know, where you were. You spent a lot of time crying on your own, sent away when you were crying. So I'll pause that there. So I would like for you to interject, but I would say sorry. It took a very long time to answer this one one thing. But I mean, that's one of the most common things that I see is emotional neglect.

 

Mathew Blades:
I want to echo what you just said, and it's so crazy the timing of this whole thing, because so often we think about trauma, we think about it with our mom and our dad. But one of the one of the podcasts that I recorded today was with this guy who's really involved in youth sports. And the reason I love this guy so much is because, boy, does he say he has a strong statement, but he says mental are youth sports are one of the biggest contributors to mental illness and mental health struggles because of some all of that toxic stuff that's still happening in inside youth sports from a parent perspective, from bad coaches, from behavior that's allowed in locker rooms, he's like. And so I wanted to say, as you said, that it's like it might not always be mom and dad. It might have been something that happened in a locker room. It might have been something that happened in a classroom. It could be so many different things. And don't just get stuck on the fact that it came from mom and dad. Like it didn't all have to happen in your house. And so that's the only thing I really wanted to interject was to say, Yes, I love that. Go deeper, but also consider that it could be broader than just you know, your street address.

 

Dr. Liz:
Yeah, absolutely. And siblings and grandparents and Yeah. So yes that and then the as I was saying the anxious avoid a dance is a very common one that comes up when it comes to intimacy also which ties into the emotional neglect piece but if if needs were not met so whether it was physical needs, emotional needs forming core beliefs that your needs are not important or that you're not worth getting those needs met, you don't deserve that. That's also a really common one, and especially when it comes to intimacy, because if we're not allowing somebody to show up for us, it's almost impossible to create that closeness and the deep connection. So that I would say that's another one. Just even not even not even knowing how to express your needs.

 

Mathew Blades:
Okay.

 

Dr. Liz:
Which you and I touched on a little bit last week too, in terms of that's something that you struggle with.

 

Mathew Blades:
I wonder this question about common struggles because I feel like this would be common. You know, growing up I didn't have a really amazing example of what a super loving over that you know, relationship was all about. Right. Like because of the situation, there was tension in our house a lot. And I know that's not the case for everybody, but it is certainly the case for a lot of people. So my guess is that might be another struggle that people don't even realize was that they never had it modeled for them how to do it the right way, right?

 

Dr. Liz:
Absolutely. Yeah. So going back to the template, it was never formed. They didn't it's really hard to be good at something we weren't taught or shown. I mean, think about the skills that you develop and that that is not only for healthy relationships, but even digging deeper, that is showing and allowing intimacy, that is healthy communication, that's effective conflict resolution, all of those type of things that tie into this sense of intimacy. Many of us did not did not have that role modeled.

 

Mathew Blades:
Okay. So what else what other kind of common struggles? There's emotional neglect, the anxious in avoidance stance, not knowing how to express it, not having it modeled for you. What else are you seeing?

 

Dr. Liz:
Self esteem would be another really big aspect of intimacy struggles. And that ties in to, again, you know, coming from all different areas. So whether whether the self self-esteem comes from looks or career or abilities, but when there is not, when the belief is that I don't, I'm not worthy of it. Again, going back to that, that's a that's a pretty common struggle for intimacy.

 

Mathew Blades:
How can couples help each other with self esteem then.

 

Dr. Liz:
You know, one of the most effective ways which is often overlooked is the amount of praise and gratitude we express to each other that, you know, even the compliments that we tend to focus a lot more on what we don't like or what we want to change versus what is going well, what we do like about our partner. And so I've noticed that for a lot of couples, you know, just even shifting that. So been talking about, let's say when I'm trying to get couples to talk about their sex life, even of creating improvements, part of that is instead of focusing so much on telling your partner like, stop going right, tell them I like it when you go left, right, right I mean, it's even it's just reframing. It's the restructuring of how we communicate with our partners. Can have a huge impact on self esteem.

 

Mathew Blades:
I write that down. Say that again about or less been like that's going to be our quote of the podcast. Stop telling them.

 

Dr. Liz:
To go right and tell them that you really like it when they go left. Yeah.

 

Mathew Blades:
Yeah, yeah. I love that. When they go. That's amazing. Well, it is. It's tough to learn that about, but this is part of like, why I'm so happy we're doing this series is because I really think going back to the week one, I hope that people have learned what their intimacy language is and now they're kind of like becoming aware of how they operate when they're in those moments. And and so I'm I'm excited for people to learn a new communication style. I'm hoping that they walk away from this podcast with the ability to have a different kind of conversation, whether it's at the dinner table or in the car or at dinner or, you know, in bed, whatever that is. I'm excited about that.

 

Dr. Liz:
I am, too. And I think that one of the most common struggles that really ties it all together is a lack of safety. And that is one of the most common struggles and ways that we see when it comes to either when intimacy has been lost or when intimacy has never been fully formed or strengthened to the level that it could be, when in that ties into the anxious and the avoidant. So if the needs aren't getting met, if it doesn't feel safe to express your needs, that feels like your partner is constantly criticizing you and never telling you what they like about you, all of that prevents this foundation of safety. And that safety is I mean, if people take nothing else away from intimacy months, please take away that safety is the foundation of intimacy.

 

Mathew Blades:
Yeah. How can how can they relay that message without being laughed at, without being shamed or teased?

 

Dr. Liz:
We have to learn how to start communicating what it is that we need, but in a way that is vulnerable and not in a way that is attacking or critical. Yes. And so part of that, even figuring out what does safety mean to you? So what does it what does it even look like to feel safe? And it would that would be a really great exercise for couples. You know, if in week two, you or I think we talked about a week to the check ins for them to start implementing the check ins and one of those questions being what does it mean for you to feel safe that first and foremost and let's let do you mind, Matthew what does it how do you go?

 

Mathew Blades:
Yeah, the Chairman. The chairman. The chair. Okay. How do I have to get out of interview mode? Ask me the question again. I'm in the patient chair now. Okay.

 

Dr. Liz:
What do you need in order to feel safe in a dynamic.

 

Mathew Blades:
I need to feel an energy that tells me that or that allows me to feel like I can be vulnerable. I need to be in a space where I know I'm not going to get made fun of or teased about what I'm going to say. I need to know that I'm in and this is going to surprise you or maybe other people. But I also need to know that, like I'm around people where I can laugh, you know, about normal things and sick and twisted things. But that's kind of always been my medicine. and I don't need to be necessarily right in any situation, but I think in order to feel safe, I need to at least feel like I'm being heard.

 

Dr. Liz:
Okay, so it sounds like you need a judgment free zone.

 

Mathew Blades:
Yes.

 

Dr. Liz:
Okay. Yeah. Somewhere you can take the mask off. You can show up as your authentic self and not have to worry about the response. So not worrying about the response of somebody either mocking you, but also not worrying about the response. If you decide to mock you and you decide to make a joke of it, that they can hold space for that as well.

 

Mathew Blades:
Right? Sure. And that sounds great. So what do you need to feel safe? I like that. I need a judgment free zone.

 

Dr. Liz:
What does that look like then from that other person? Is that that they're asking you questions that they are that they're reflecting, that they're validating?

 

Mathew Blades:
Yeah, I believe it's it's most of those things. I think it's it's definitely what I just say, what's coming through my head. It's definitely like body language. Right. And how they're, how they're engaged. Yeah. What, what that, what that's kind of saying. I definitely, definitely need people to ask me questions. I love problem solving myself. And so I am. I mean, if I could be in therapy 24 hours a day for like six months, it would be the greatest joy of my life because I'm so willing to learn and understand what's happening. And I just desire so much to figure it out. And and so I don't know. I feel like I'm not answering your question.

 

Dr. Liz:
No, you are. So that that that introspection is important to you, that so you need to know that their energy is safe. So you're talking about body language. What about even like tone, facial expressions?

 

Mathew Blades:
Is that definitely it's all part of the equation I need. It has to be settled down. I did an energy regulation session like two months ago, and the woman that was reading my chakras, I'm going to make this story super short, but basically what she said at the end of it was you have had enough masculine energy for seven lifetimes. Like I've I've had enough in my life to last me another seven lifetimes. And I just don't need it anymore. And I need, I need this softness. Yes. Yeah, I do. Yeah.

 

Dr. Liz:
I can see that. And then it sounds like you also like when people are curious and they demonstrate, demonstrate interest in those experiences and yeah, all of that is super important for safety. So what you and I just did right now would be a really good example for people listening of their their couples check in the way that we had that exchange of asking what you need and you were able to be really vulnerable and you were able to share openly. You even were able to say, this is going to sound kind of weird or I might not get this right, but you said it anyway. That's beautiful. That's vulnerability. And then to have it reflected back into vows, have it validated for you. So you know, people listening, even this clip of what Matthew and I just did, this is a really powerful exercise to do during these check ins of when we talk about, well, how do we create that safety? Go ask your partner what they need for safety because it's going to look different.

 

Mathew Blades:
What are your answers as you've put yourself through this in the past?

 

Dr. Liz:
Similar in the sense that that the energy needs to be really safe. And I need to know that somebody can hold space for and now, see, I'm now I'm going to be in my head, as I say this out loud, to hold space for my chaos, because I know, I know that I can. I explained it once when I was talking to somebody about attachment styles, and she I was interviewing her on my podcast and she was talking about how my ex-husband is my lighthouse is the way she describes him and that he can stand tall in the midst of my storm and me being the storm. And that is what I need to know when we even when we're talking about the masculine and feminine feminine energy, I need the masculine energy of strength and protectiveness, but also the feminine energy to hold space for whatever it is that I'm experiencing. And so when I know that somebody can sit in that and not that they're being a doormat, but they can hold space for it, that's really important to me versus somebody, you know, we're talking in terms of partnership, a man that would just regulate easily. That's what I grew up with and that is very triggering to me. And so a man that just regulates that can't hold his emotion during hard conversations is not going to work for me.

 

Mathew Blades:
Yeah, what a neat thing, though, and I'm so happy you said that, because I. I tell you right now, like I'm a youth hockey coach and watch me just derail this train. I'm a youth hockey coach and my favorite athletes are the ones that are just a little chaotic. They are. They're kind of all over the place because I love their process. I love it. They like, it all comes at once. And they kind of they, they just go. And if you just let them go for a second, they find it and it's super cool. Yeah, Yeah.

 

Dr. Liz:
I'm laughing because I just imagine my ex-husband listening to this being like, Yup, sounds about right. And he always says that as I did. I mean, I've talked about he's still my closest friend in the world. And so, you know, when I am in the midst of chaos and he's like and I've expressed frustration about other people not being able to hold space for that. He's like, don't they know? They just have to just weather the storm. She's got to get to the other side of it. But not everyone is built that way now. So, yes. So that is what I need, though. That is that is the safety that I need in those moments.

 

Mathew Blades:
And I would bet that almost everybody listening would need something kind of similar, like, you know, we'd all like to see some decent body language. We'd like to see a nice, curious, humble tone. We all like to feel safe right, with their energy.

 

Dr. Liz:
Those are some of the main ones. Yeah. So if you if you don't know or if your partner is unable to articulate what they might need, those are great examples. So we do need a we need safe energy. Relax, calm tone, tone, tone is something I need to work on in the midst of conflict, of just being aware of how we're saying things, how we're sending the message, our facial expressions. But then the curiosity is so important too, and not interrogation and also not condescending, but that you're truly leading with from a place of curiosity.

 

Mathew Blades:
Amazing. Okay, so next week it's like all Q&A, it's all your questions, It's all the things that over the last three weeks, as you've been listening to us, you thought, you know what I'd like to ask them. Now is the time to reach out to one of us. You can hit either one of us on our Instagram handles and we'd be more than happy to include it in next week's episode. And if you don't mind, it might be worth it for both of us to bring a couple of questions to the table, too. For probably just me, you know, all the answers.

 

Dr. Liz:
But I would be happy to bring questions to get your perspective because I love that. I love that.

 

Mathew Blades:
Cool, cool.

 

Dr. Liz:
Perspective.

 

Mathew Blades:
Yeah. Art, Awesome. Anything you felt like we left on the table today before we kind of wrap up with week three.

 

Dr. Liz:
You know, I think summing summing up the barriers to intimacy to your earlier point, it is about doing the healing. So if you have struggled to have intimacy in the past, really check into doing your personal work around that. What are your triggers? What are the things that are preventing that? And so really, you know, what is your role? What is your contribution to this? But then also ensuring your partner knows what your needs are and how they can be safe for you so that you can start to practice this intimacy piece. And then also keeping in mind while our focus today really was a lot on the emotional intimacy, what I always say, and I'm sure I've already said it, but that emotional intimacy is the foundation for physical intimacy. So. So don't take this as a wash if you're like, I just want to know how to have more sex. Well, to have more sex, or even better sex, start focusing on the safety of your relationship.

 

Mathew Blades:
Okay. We're going to come up with it. I'm sure that's going to be one of the questions next week, right?

 

Dr. Liz:
I'm sure.

 

Mathew Blades:
Yeah. Good. And I hope and I hope it is because a lot of people wonder it. All right, Doc, thank you so much. Hope you have a really great rest of your night. It's almost dinnertime as we wrap up this podcast. What's on the plate tonight? Have you thought about it?

 

Dr. Liz:
No, not even. Well, pull up DoorDash here in about an hour. I figure that out. What about you?

 

Mathew Blades:
Do you cook? Yeah, I do. I love to cook, But tonight we're going to do Pizza Jungle.

 

Dr. Liz:
good. Okay, that might be on my DoorDash now.

 

Mathew Blades:
There you go, man. There you go. I get made fun of all the time, but I order just side that at Pizza Jungle because they're so good.

 

Dr. Liz:
Yes. The appetizer, the hummus and chicken. That's my God.

 

Mathew Blades:
my God. I love it. All right. We'll see you guys next week here. As Intimacy Month comes to a close with your Q and A is here relatable and then, of course, learn from people who live. Dr. Elizabeth Fedrick, have a great evening.

 

Dr. Liz:
Thank you, Matthew. You, too. Thank you, Matthew, for getting vulnerable with me today. And thank you all for hanging out on relatable Relationships unfiltered. Make sure to subscribe to our YouTube channel, sign up for my newsletter and find me on Instagram at Dr. Elizabeth Fedrick.