Relatable podcast 

Dr. Liz:
A lot of people will talk about. My childhood was great. Like I was loved. There was no problems. Wonderful. I'm not here to take that away from you. Also, you were raised by imperfect humans. That is then what we're drawn to in adulthood. We are drawn to what is familiar. And if our brains have been programed to believe that relationships operate in a certain way, that is going to be the attraction in the draw because it's what we know.

 

Mathew Blades:
You're bringing that operating system to every single thing in your life that looks, taste, touch, sounds, feels like it.

 

Dr. Liz:
This is relatable relationships, unfiltered. Hey, welcome to Relatable Relationships unfiltered. Today, I'm hanging out with my friend Matthew Blades, host of To Learn From People Who Lived It podcast for a special series where we'll be focusing on intimacy all month long. This week, we talk all about the impact of relational programing on our intimacy.

 

Mathew Blades:
Welcome back. It's week two of intimacy month here on Earth from people who live that are Matthew. Hello to Dr. Elizabeth Friedrich. How are you?

 

Dr. Liz:
Hello, Matthew. I am good. I am just thrilled about our week one and then excited to get into this next portion of it.

 

Mathew Blades:
Yeah, me too. So we are going to do a quick little recap very quickly of just about you know, we're going to do a quick recap. Very quickly like that. And then what we're going to do is we we were going to talk about like fear is how we lose it, common struggles and trauma today. But after we recorded episode number one, we both kind of decided that working on relational programing and understanding that your triggers how things work with you, how they work with others, there probably a lot more benefit to doing that here in week two, right?

 

Dr. Liz:
Yes, absolutely. That that awareness is key and I think it will help everyone to stay on track. They understand what it is. And now let's get awareness around your personal experience of it.

 

Mathew Blades:
Yeah, well, it's kind of like what you said in week one where it's like you have to get to what's under the iceberg and the relational programing. Is that so before we jump into it and by the way, you're going to love how she lays this out. You are about to understand me. Be so clear to you right now. You're about to understand yourself on a whole new level after this conversation today. And I mean that. And it's going to be amazing. You're going to find a closeness with yourself that you didn't know you could have, because for some of you, today is the day where you're going to really start to understand yourself. That's the power of relational programing, as I understand it, from the way that you break it down. So before we get into that, the five types of intimacy, as mentioned last week, you recall what they were.

 

Dr. Liz:
Yeah, I think I could pull that up for you. So we have emotional, which is our vulnerability, our empathy, trust and respect. We have physical. This ranges anywhere from nurturing touch to sexual touch. We have intellectual, deep conversations, mental stimulation. It can be curiosity, creativity, experiential. This is new adventures, experiences, whether it's routines or something novel. And then we have spiritual, and that is our meditation, praying, worshiping, a higher power, really the connection of our inner worlds. So those are the five main types, as I call them. The five main.

 

Mathew Blades:
Types. Yeah. Wonderful. Well, today, relational program and get clear on your triggers. Some of the things we're going to talk about about are, you know, understanding yourself, working on things with other serving up tools, check ins, erotic recovery, communication, being seen, being hurt, being understood. So a lot to get into today. Where would you like to start?

 

Dr. Liz:
Let's start with what relational programing is so that people can really if if you're driving in a car, then probably you're not taking notes, but maybe it's worth it. Just just to even listen to this portion again, when you have the opportunity later so that you can because this part of it, you can really do it as a timeline activity, which will give you greater insights into your programing. So what relational programing is, is our interactions with our caregivers starting very early on, that sends a message. She was about, as we talked about in week one, about our views of our self, our views of others and relationships as a whole. And so this is whether our parents show up for us and there are warm, they're nurturing, they're attentive, they show that they care about our needs. Okay? So that is that is one end of the spectrum. And the other end goes to if it's chaotic, explosive, volatile, abusive, neglectful, and then we have somewhere in the middle where you might experience both of those just two different different extremes, but those repeated and consistent interactions are what set the stage for what we come to believe that a relationship should be the norm for a relationship and what we come to expect out of it. And so that's important to understand when we look at it from a timeline activity, which I encourage greatly everyone to do. Start from your timeline at birth, and of course you're not going to remember your birth. That's not the point here. But we've all been told a story about our birth. There's all there's a narrative around that time who was living in the home, what were their careers, what was the dynamic like? What were some of the significant events going on at that time? So for me, I had teenage parents. They were married as teens. They were in their very early twenties when they had me. My mom's mother passed within days of her having me. My dad struggled with substance abuse and there was domestic violence, there was chaos, there was unresolved traumas. I was born into chaos. And that is significant to understand then the theme of my relational programing. And so when we start there, we write all that down, and then we start to track the significant events throughout the lifespan.

 

Mathew Blades:
Yeah, I love that. I was so clear to do that when I went through my journey is to take that step back and acknowledge things like you just said, you know, like my mom and dad were so young, they had just met each other. My dad had just come back from Vietnam. You know, there were so many things that were a part of that equation as as we came, you know, into this thing. So, okay, Well, we've helped people understand a little bit about what relational programing is. Why does it matter?

 

Dr. Liz:
Great question. And to really understand your programing, we have, we're going to track when I talk about the themes, that is when there were multiple instances maybe of somebody leaving or of you being rejected or of you having to perform for attention. So those are some of the significant events that you want to track. So one of my themes is abandonment. Every time my father got upset, he would leave. And whether that was leaving me in a motel parking lot at a very young age as he went off, who knows where or leaving my mom late at night during a fight right. These regardless of the situation that is the theme is abandonment. And so when you track your own significant events, keeping in mind that significa is subjective. So I really like to encourage people to be aware that an event that you might brush off, you might dismiss, you might minimize, really could have a significant impact on you. And we don't we don't want to minimize that. A lot of people will talk about my childhood was great, like I was loved. There was no problems. wonderful. I'm not here to take that away from you. Also, you were raised by imperfect humans. So really sit down. Really get clear on that. These themes, even if they were more covert and that matters because that is then what we're drawn to in adulthood. And that's what matters. We are drawn to what is familiar. And if our brains have been programed to believe that relationships operate in a certain way, when we become teens and then adults and start forming these romantic relationships, that is going to be the attraction in the draw because it's what we know. That is the kicker.

 

Mathew Blades:
Yeah. And people are going, okay, well, what's wrong with that? Well, here's the thing. If you had an operating system set up in trauma or her, it's probably not an amazing operating system. And you're you're bringing that operating system to every single thing in your life that looks taste, touch, sounds, feels like it. And that's the problem. It's it's a faulty system. And and what's important to note, at least in my journey, was give yourself some grace here. Like that system served you for for a while and that system kept you alive to a degree. But it those things aren't typically happening to us any longer. And so it's time to break free of the operating systems that were attached to them. At least that's how I felt about it. And that's how I had it explained to me in my journey. But if you want to if you want to expand on that, please be my guest.

 

Dr. Liz:
And absolutely, let's expand on that because this comes into our intimacy. So the characteristics, the traits, the behaviors that we develop in childhood to survive our environments. And again, if you're if you're listening and you're thinking, my childhood really wasn't that bad, this is not applicable. I hear you. But also because we all experience some level of trauma and some covert messages that we all receive that are not ideal. There is there are still going to be some messages you carry with you into adulthood. And so we have to understand that whether it was on one end of the spectrum or the other or somewhere in the middle, we did learn how to survive our environments. Humans are designed for adaptation. We have to learn how to survive. And so these traits that we developed for survival, whether it was to withdraw or to isolate when there was conflict, whether it was to fawn and people please, to be a perfectionist, to get attention, to get acceptance. That is what we learned kept us safe. And so we carry those behaviors with us into adulthood. And what was once adaptive becomes maladaptive in our romantic relationships. And so while it was once effective to withdraw, to isolate, that is now preventing you from really having the intimacy that that we all desire, even if we realize it or not, we do desire that connection. And so that's I mean, those traits that once kept us safe are now actually preventing us from getting getting the very thing that we desire.

 

Mathew Blades:
And step one goes back to week one, which was it's probably time to work with somebody now. So now that, you know, you become aware that this has kind of been the thing holding you back or preventing you from getting to where you want to go. Well, there's a million people out there in a million different modalities that can help people work out of these inner child wounds, as I like to call them. And it's help you step into a system that'll be better for you in your adult life that you you want. And that's the thing, right? Like you'll talk to some people and you and I both probably know folks like this, but like, come on, you want more intimacy in your life. And I'm like, No, I'm actually I'm good. I got enough intimacy. Things are good, and my intimacy bucket's full. Well, I don't know. I sort of call bullshit on those guys. And I'm thinking, Really, you don't want to be a little closer. Like, Yeah, I don't know. What do you think?

 

Dr. Liz:
I think that ties into the fears of intimacy and the intimacy self-sabotaging. And I have a client I was working with recently, and he was talking about that. He doesn't he can't even allow himself to have a need because, heaven forbid, he ever had a need. And by not allowing himself to have a need because this was programed into childhood, that needs were not okay, they were not going to be met. It was not safe to have one. He's now brought that into his romantic relationship, so he would fall into the category that you're describing of like, No, I'm good, I'm fine. But we all have needs. Humans are literally designed for connection with one another and part of being connected is having your needs met. And if you can't even acknowledge that you have a need because of your programing, it's easy as an adult to be like, No, look, I adapted. Adapted. I am how evolved I am. But odds are you really just haven't gone below the surface.

 

Mathew Blades:
And it's also worth noting, at least from my perspective, that this isn't just messing up one area of your life like this. Relational programing infiltrates everything. How you operate at the office, how you operate with your friends, how you operate with strangers, how you operate with your kids. I mean, it falls into all the areas of your life.

 

Dr. Liz:
Yeah, and it's so true because it's the lens through which we see the world. So, Matthew, if you have blue lenses on and I have pink lenses on, we might be looking at the same tree, but we're looking at it completely differently because of the lens through through which we're viewing. And so that is important to note that, you know, perspective is reality. And if you're operating out of a warped perspective, then you're going to ultimately have these warped outcomes or be stuck in the cycle and saying like, I'm doing the same thing over and over or the same thing continues to happen over and over, Why do I keep attracting the same people? Why do my partner and I keep having the same arguments? It's the lens through which you're seeing the world.

 

Mathew Blades:
So let's dive into the first thing you mentioned, which is the next thing. Now that you know Houston, we have a problem is that we have to understand ourselves. I'm certainly willing to mention some of the things that have been beneficial to me. But since you're our guest, I defer to you first. So how can folks understand themselves better?

 

Dr. Liz:
Well, when we understand the themes that we're operating out of, we start to become aware of when they get triggered. And so we can understand. So for me, when when I'm talking about I have this theme of abandonment throughout my upbringing, when there's a threat as a sense of a threat to that. So if I think that a partner is getting even irritated with me or there's a chance that they might push me away, that is going to activate my threat response, which is, you know, we're talking about our adaptive child behaviors that are normal, adaptive. And so part of that was we have to understand what our triggers are that come from these themes. And then we have to learn how to increase our emotional regulation and so the three WS is something I'm sure I talked about it on when I was on before, but that's one of the tools that I find most effective I give to all my clients. The first W being what's going on. We have to become aware of our physiological responses to a trigger. So for mine, my my, I get a very unique stomach ache when I'm feeling triggered and that it takes time to gather that awareness. Right. You have to really check in on your body, do body scans, but I know that that means I'm feeling triggered the second w is where is it coming from? So I'm going to stop and assess. Am I in the midst of conflict? Did they just say something that didn't feel safe? Am I anticipating something? And then the third W is what do I need? And this is how do I regulate so that I can interact as a grown ass adult and not out of my inner child, which is not always the most mature. And I tend to end up there even as a therapist. So what do I need? Helps us to regulate so we can come from a mature place.

 

Mathew Blades:
you're great. You're great. I love it. That's so perfect. Yeah. And I and I was So I'll add to that and say, for me, meditation was probably one of the things that saved my life. And it was not easy. I will I should make that declaration because it's so easy as a guy who's been practicing for 12 years to say, Yeah, go sit the room, close your eyes for 20 minutes. You'll be, you know, and meditate. And it can be is so hard. I mean, when I started meditating, it was like 2 minutes at a time. And then it was like, let me try to do it for 5 minutes. Right? And then it was ten. And then eventually I found a practice called Team Transcendental Meditation, where you meditate for 20 minutes a day, twice a day. And so that's typically what I my, my aim is now. But there's something really super cool that that happens when you meditate and when you get good at it, when you start to really get good at the practice, which can. For me, it took about 3 to 4 months before I started to have those really moments where the best way I can describe it is I felt like I had stepped out of myself and I was like watching myself meditate and it was this fascinating look on my life. It was like I was like I was like watching the character in the movie. And I got to see from that perspective, and this is where I'm getting at with understanding yourself. I got to see from that perspective when I was Awake alert in an interview setting, like right now, I still have that ability to step outside myself and watch myself in this moment and I can see how I'm doing. I can kind of check in on myself and I can, like you just said, right with what's going on. Where's that coming from? Like our there's a lot of synergy in your list. And what I'm saying right now, it's that idea of like, Hey, why are you doing that? But like what? Why did you get so worked up there or what did you love about that? What was it about that moment that you loved so much? And and again, this isn't just about getting aware all the crap and the bad stuff, but like really finding out what lights you up and what gets you excited, too, so that you can, as my old radio consultant said, and just want to encourage you to do more of the stuff you're good at. And one of the insights that other people in life are I like do more of the stuff you love and try to find ways to do less of the stuff you hate. So meditation was a huge, huge piece of the puzzle for me, and I confidently can say that it would be beneficial for anybody who's alive because as long as you are alive, you have your breath, which is all you need to meditate.

 

Dr. Liz:
Yeah, and what you're describing, the mindfulness piece of that so important for intimacy, being present in the moment and being mindful of not only having self awareness, but that other awareness that comes along with the mindfulness. But I absolutely agree that that meditation, it opens your eyes in a different way. It regulates your nervous system in a different way. Yeah, it creates a lot of clarity that is needed for yourself and for relationships.

 

Mathew Blades:
Yeah, I tell people all the time, if you're ready for things to come to you, rather than chase them down all the time, get into a practice because it will start to happen. You will find yourself at a point where you eventually can put your hand on your heart and say, What do I need? Like your number three, What do I need? What do I need? And literally the answer will show up. It'll just it'll show up in your head. And then as long as you honor that, you're going to be just fine. That's the that's the thing about it. You have to honor it now. Yeah, I want to pivot for just a second in this conversation, because one of the tough parts about coming into clarity and self-awareness and understanding yourself is that little thing where you can feel bad about the things that you used to do or the way that you used to behave and that can produce all kinds of guilt and shame and just, you know, general cruddy feelings. So what would you say to somebody who's getting aware and then at that stage where they're they're almost kind of hating the way that they used to do things, and they're really down on themselves about the way that they used to, because I have been there and I can tell you my story. But again, you're our guest.

 

Dr. Liz:
So yeah, two fold. So first of all, and neither of these are going to be easy, let me just say that upfront. But the first one being it's learning to give yourself grace and compassion and understanding where those other parts were coming from. We we generally, most people are generally not assholes or shitty people just for the sake of that, right? Whether because they're trying to protect themselves, they're trying to serve a different type of purpose. And so when you reflect back on some of these behaviors that you're less proud of, and we all have that, we have to really try to understand where it was coming from and what purpose it was serving. And it's not to justify, it's not to excuse. It's an order to have grace and compassion for those parts of us. And so that's one piece of it. And then at the same time and again, so hard, it's holding space for the and so I am an evolving, healing, growing creature, which I am. And I have a lot of trauma. I deal with anxiety and depression and I do things that I regret and I'm not proud of. And both can be true and both are true.

 

Mathew Blades:
Love that well, that's exactly what I would say too. So let's just move right on to the next part because.

 

Dr. Liz:
I stole your thunder.

 

Mathew Blades:
So I need to do exactly what I would tell people. It's just that there is absolutely no value in sitting in the crowd and thinking about the way that you used to do things. It's simply the tools so that you do it differently next time. You know, my son, 16 years old, God bless him, he got into his first car accident today, right this morning at a little fender bender. And, you know, I parent my children probably a little differently than I was. And, you know, I'll say there wasn't any big screaming or yelling or shaming or, you know, what a crappy person you are. But the one question that I did really challenge him on was what did you learn from this morning? What did you learn from the experience? You know, and we dialed on. I probably need to slow down and I probably need to do a better job of paying attention to what's around me. And I would tell you that that advice works for car accidents in real life. You know, I was going.

 

Dr. Liz:
To say that's a solid advice for what we're talking about right now. Yeah, for sure.

 

Mathew Blades:
Yeah, exactly. And so don't sit in it because it's doing you no good. It's just dragging you down and. Yeah, it's. That's why I said that. Like what you said is perfect. So when it comes to working on these things, sometimes, especially men can want to work on these things by themselves. And I'd like to say to you, did how's that going? How's that working for you women? A little bit better with relationships. Just are naturally at least that's been the conversation so far. I don't know if that stereotype still plays into what your world tells you, but sure, my experience tells me that you can't heal without relationship. So what do you say, Doc?

 

Dr. Liz:
Yes, that's completely it. So there's this misconception that we have to learn to love ourselves before we can be loved. And that's really not how this works, because we are a communal species, we are designed for community. And so when we think about that, we were often damaged and traumatized in relationship. We also need relationships to help us to heal and to repair. And so when I talk about when we identify what our relational programing is and we start to understand our triggers and the themes and the traumas of where it's coming from, we then have to get clear on what needs to change in order to change the programing. So in order to reprogram what needs to be different. And so we start with that internal work and we we do therapy and we start meditating and we do these healthy practices physically, mentally, emotionally, but then the other half of it. So that's the internal piece. And then the other half is that we need the external piece and we need to start surrounding ourselves with safe individuals who are able to give us an evidence log, is what I call it, to support that people can be safe and they can show up for us differently. So when I say to find safe people, though, let's dig a little bit deeper into that, because sometimes the people we have in our lives are not safe and we do need to start to replace them. And that's something that about a year and a half ago, two years ago, I really recognized and I started to do that process for myself. But then there are other times when we actually do have a lot of safe people in our life because, again, humans are imperfect. We're all going to mess up. But if our lens through which we're seeing the world has us really honing in on when somebody messes up or when they might mess up, that is what we hyper focus on because we're afraid of it happening. So we stay hyper vigilant to that. So our partners really could be very consistently meeting our needs in a lot of ways and we might not even recognize it because that's not what we're paying attention to. When I say fine safe people, sometimes it's literally all new people, but sometimes it's just stopping to really start to be more aware of the ways that people are already showing up for you.

 

Mathew Blades:
Yeah, and I want to encourage you want to double down on what she just said and that's to say like, follow your guts and look at your intuition. And there's people in your life that when you're around them, you feel like you could tell them anything. And those are the kind of people that I want to encourage you to start to be around a little bit more so that you can just continue to get better at speaking your truth because you will not do it around people that you feel like you need to lie around or be a certain person around you now. And so I just I had this just come through me. So I feel like I need to say it, but I'm in the midst of animals at the tail end of reading this book called Sacred Contracts. And it's a fascinating concept. And I'm going to I'll provide you an awful job of explaining it, but I'm going to try anyways. The gist of it is and let me go deep on everybody. The gist of it is that before we even come here, before we even get here, we make contracts with people, we make contracts with the universe to do this, to be this, to have this to whatever. But we all are sent here with people. We're all sent here with people that we're we've made sacred contracts with. And they're going to be a part of our life one way or the other. Right. And the reason I'm bringing this up is, trust me, that there are people whose sacred contract it is, is to help you get through whatever you're struggling with. There are people that you have made contracts with before you even arrived that are here to help you through situations. And that's why I get so adamant about you need relationship to heal. There's somebody it's not always going to be your wife. It's not going to be your best friend sometimes, sometimes going to be a pastor, Sometimes it's going to be some spiritual healer in the middle of the Sedona desert. Like it could look very different. But get open to that. Pay attention to your guts, follow your intuition, look for those safe people, and then start to use them to help you work on all of this. If you feel good about that, can I get a name that a man.

 

Dr. Liz:
I feel really good about that. And I completely agree. When we open ourselves up to more opportunities to be exposed to people and I talk a lot about that a lot when I do, you know, relationship worker, even with individuals who are dating, it's not just about more dates. It's about opening yourself up to more social interactions because a lot of the support and the healing, as you're saying, it could come from the person in the produce section like you don't you don't know. But when we're closed off, we don't create opportunities for that. Can I get a name now?

 

Mathew Blades:
Amen. Of course. That's. I mean, this is the truth. This is like what people are seeking. Like when people feel lost and they know with this is the truth, what's being said right now and okay, let's let's move on to tools. Spend the last 15 or 20 minutes talking about tools. You mentioned that you wanted to talk about check ins, erotic recovery, communication skills being seen, heard and understood. We want a story. Well, let's start with chickens. We'll just go right through the list. Why not?

 

Dr. Liz:
Yes. So starting with check in. So whenever I start working with a new couple, new client on really reviving intimacy, so strengthening, rebuilding intimacy, I always start with emotional intimacy. Now, this is not a gender preference. So just like, take that out, because if anything, I fall more into my masculine energy than anything else. So this is not about, let's get fluffy and feeling, and that's what's going to make everything better That's not the point. The emotional intimacy is what develops the safety. Without safety, intimacy does not exist on any level. Right? And so when we tap into creating opportunities to be vulnerable and to trust each other and to dig deeper, then we're creating safety across the board, recreating consistency and trust. So now I don't have to guess if you're going to do the thing you said you're going to do. I don't have to guess what you're if you're going to be safe while we are having sex. I don't have to be guessing how you're going to show up for me. I just know that you are, because we are consistent in building that. So the emotional intimacy check ins is a really effective way to build this. And so what this will look like for a lot of people, I suggest doing a daily check in, which is again, going back to the busy and the time thing. I hear you also find time like it's just fine time. If you care enough about this, you'll find time. So to do it daily could be as simple as just talking about what's your peak in your valley was so your high and low of the day. I'm in. So you're going to ask each other what was the best part of your day? Well, what was the worst? And then I really encourage and I teach this skill early on RV reflect to validate and explore. When your partner shares something with you, you want to reflect back in your own words what you heard them say. You want to validate their emotional experience, and then you want to really ask with a follow up question. You want to explore it a little bit deeper. And so that when people are hearing that, that might feel overwhelming and might feel awkward. Yeah, it will be at first. But the more you do it, the more it becomes just really, you know, like natural. It becomes second nature to you. And so practicing that and then the weekly check in, that's going to be a bit longer. I really encourage people to put it on their calendar like an appointment, same day, same time if possible. And what happens in these weekly check ins is you'll each bring maybe like three or four questions with you. That could be how did you feel like your love language was met this week? What's a better way I can show up for you next week? How can I be more supportive when you're feeling triggered, you're each going to come with a handful of your own questions and then go back and forth on asking those. And again, the purpose is you're practicing your communication skills, which is important, even though it's not the end all be all on, you are creating space for vulnerability. And then it also guarantees you that if there's something that has been bothering you, you know, there's a set day in time that week that you're going to talk through it, which prevents those resentments from building up. And the resentments are the ultimate barrier.

 

Mathew Blades:
I love it. I love everything you just said. But I will tell you that that's going to be really hard for people who haven't held up their end of the bargain because they know they're going to walk into that conversation again and the other person is probably going to call them on their stuff if they're doing any kind of loving accountability. Right?

 

Dr. Liz:
Yeah. So what what could be calling them on their stuff, though, in a way that could be safe? I mean, how could we do that differently than maybe we normally would?

 

Mathew Blades:
Yeah, that's great. Okay, let's kick this around. I'm going to have a good answer for this. So how could you say say your question again?

 

Dr. Liz:
So how can we hold our partner accountable? How can we call them out in a way that is still safe and loving?

 

Mathew Blades:
Yes. So it's really my approach to hard conversation, which is, to be honest first and say what needs to be said, which is we have been talking about doing this and I don't feel like you did your part. And I know that we're still working on this. And so I'm not upset, but I'm letting you know that I notice it and I want us to work harder. What can I do to be beneficial? How could I close those gaps for you? Are there times where I could ask you questions or leave you alone or smother you or. I don't know. You know, it's just about kind of finding out. So for me, I guess the approach would be to be number one, to be in a calm voice, you know, down here and and, and just speak from my heart. And then when I say be honest, they also think like it's okay to say I felt a little sad about that, you know, and not like you asshole, Why aren't you doing this? Why aren't you holding up your end of the bargain? But more like and really disappointed me this week. Like I thought we were on this journey together and I felt a little let down this week. I don't know what is. What is the dockside in the.

 

Dr. Liz:
Dock would say? What you just said. That was beautiful. That's. Yeah, No, that's beautiful. So talking about our feelings around it using AI statements, I love that you said that I felt disappointed this week. And I love that you talked about, you know, we we explored this. We came to an agreement together, and I feel disappointed that it didn't happen this week. And then what I really love that you did was then you asked, How can I help you with that? How can I show up for you so that we can make this happen? That is one of the most profound things that we can do when we're calling someone out, so to speak. When we're holding somebody accountable in a loving way, is what support do you need for me in order to make this happen? Because now you're back in it as a team and it's not about an attack. We we are an alliance in this. It's a powerful thing. So. Well, sure.

 

Mathew Blades:
Thank you very much. Well, I got a good teacher on the other end here. So erotic recovery. You mention that next. And then there's communication skills being seen, heard and understood. So erotic recovery to you means what?

 

Dr. Liz:
Yeah. So erotic recovery. This is after we've established the emotional intimacy. And I see that couples are doing regular check ins, they're communicating well, they're holding space for each other. They're practicing the three W's, which I have my couples do, so that they can really practice the emotional regulation. We're going to start bringing back some of that physical intimacy. And I think that the most effective way to do that is never just jumping fully back into it, especially because I work with a lot of people who haven't had sex in weeks, months, years. And so we have to figure out how do we lay that foundation in a safe way? How can we start building back up that chemistry, that playful tension? And so for a lot of people, that's doing things such as one of the trainings that I did on on sex therapy and I love this approach is you're setting up one night where one of the partners is giving the other partner a massage, So they set up the whole vibe of it, you know, candles, oils, they set it all up and there is no hankie panky. After that, there's no penetration. There's or, you know, for whatever type of sexual acts that you do, that doesn't happen. It's a massage. And and that's the end of it. And then maybe the next week or a few days later. Now the other partner you're going to swap in the same thing is going to happen. And what I love about not doing it on the same day is that often intimacy becomes really transactional. Okay, I did that for, you know, you do it for.

 

Mathew Blades:
Me, do this for me. Right.

 

Dr. Liz:
Right. And when we can look at it as intimacy, really being about being just as happy to be the giver as we are being the receiver, that we just really want to please our partner and that helps us to feel pleasure as well. That is a really good foundation of this, of doing that, and then often you can do it again, but maybe you do. Take it a step further. I'm in. This can also look like even whether it's massages, whether its foot rubs, neck rubs, you know, it can be different depending on where you're at in your journey. But often that the back massage is really leading into the sensuality. So that's a great place to start.

 

Mathew Blades:
Yeah, I, I mean, I think that's a pretty chilled out way to go about it. There are people, myself included at times who have a hard time receiving and just really do better in a giving space. And so what's the advice to bring those walls down just a little bit lower so somebody can get over them?

 

Dr. Liz:
Well, where I would even start is by asking, why do you think that is that you're so much more comfortable as the giver versus the receiver, or do you think that comes from.

 

Mathew Blades:
boy, it's a people pleasing sort of thing for me, probably, Yeah.

 

Dr. Liz:
So that comes from your programing, that comes from your adaptive child. You learned that by giving more than receiving, that's how you were accepted. That's how you stayed safe. That's how people didn't get mad at you. You know people liked you because of that. And you're a very likable human. You developed a lot of those traits in order to be so to get that acceptance. And so that's where I as the therapist, that's where I start with somebody is where do we think that's coming from? And you were able. Yeah, to identify from my programing. So what purpose did that serve then? So I kind of just gave it to you, but what purpose that. So you said the people pleasing. How would you say that that has served you throughout your lifespan?

 

Mathew Blades:
Well, the most notable thing that comes to mind is my career. For 27 years, I say it was my job to be liked.

 

Dr. Liz:
Yeah, absolutely.

 

Mathew Blades:
Yeah. I mean, so from from that, that's probably the biggest, most glaring example of how that benefited me and not just me, but my family. And then, yeah, that's really what's coming through right now. And I would I'll let you know.

 

Dr. Liz:
I would agree. And then I would say, and how has it not benefited you? How is it harmed you? What what have you lost out because of it.

 

Mathew Blades:
Yeah, right, right. Multiple times where I wanted something out of the equation and then stayed quiet.

 

Dr. Liz:
Yeah. And so then the challenge would be, you know, this behavior has served a purpose for you for X amount of time. But you also know and can identify logically the ways that it's harmed you. So now it is up to you to choose the opposite of what you thought was serving you. But you can see that it doesn't. And so while you are more comfortable in the giver role, that doesn't mean you can't practice becoming more comfortable in the receiving role. And so that starts, you know, it's really a snowball effect that I'm not going to throw you in the deep end of that because it's going to it's going to take you so far out of your window of tolerance is going to be so uncomfortable, you're not going to be able to receive anything. Right. Right. But what if we started small? What if we started with a few minutes or we started with with something that felt tolerable and then we were intentional on growing that and allowing the snowball to form. Humans are designed for adaptation. You can get used to being the receiver.

 

Mathew Blades:
Yeah, yeah. And I like it. I mean, I listen, I it's funny because so much of life is work and so much of work is life. And, you know, one of the one of the lessons that I learned as a high performer in my industry for a number of years, where there are days where you have to manufacture it, like there are days where I'm sorry, it's just not naturally going to be there. But you need to figure out and build up a set of tools so that when that shows up, you're ready for it. Because guess what? Nobody gives a shit that you don't feel great, that they want what they want. And. And that's okay, right? That's okay. I mean, manufacture the excitement. It can feel unnatural for a little while. I think that's okay. I've probably said that to my wife so many times in our relationship. I was like, okay, we need to start doing this. And it's probably going to feel a little unnatural at first, but it's going to be better once we get through it. And sure enough, you know, I don't know. I can't think of a time where it hasn't worked out for the better.

 

Dr. Liz:
And isn't that true when I mean, because I can completely relate to that. Sometimes we do have to fake it till we make it. And often when we allow that, allow ourselves to do the opposite of what we're really wanting to do, it does start to click and it becomes natural, becomes we, we just get into it. And so I agree that we can adapt to anything, whether it's the good or the or the bad. We can adapt. It's what you're choosing to adapt to.

 

Mathew Blades:
Sure, sure. You're not. You're no different than I was very like, people are coming to talk to you. And it's like, if if Les is off, man, they're pissed. They need you on. Like, let's go.

 

Dr. Liz:
Yeah, I don't have that option to.

 

Mathew Blades:
Just.

 

Dr. Liz:
Write, you know, sit behind my computer or, you know, which obviously every everyone has their own stuff that they're having to show up for. But I do have to show up emotionally no matter what state I'm in. So it's.

 

Mathew Blades:
Hard. That's hard. All right. Communication skills being seen, heard and understood is how we're going to wrap up. And then just keep in mind, next week, we're going to get together for week number three. We're going to talk about how to lose it. We should probably also talk about how to get it back. Some common struggles that people deal with, the fear of intimacy. And then we're going to hit that really difficult piece about like what if you experienced trauma along the way that's just hardwired you in a way where it's it's almost impossible to get over that hurdle. We'll kind of we'll dive into that a little bit and see what Dr. Elizabeth Federer has to say about it. But and then, of course, week four, it's all your questions. So let's end on this note. Communication skills being seen, heard and understood. What are you thinking about here?

 

Dr. Liz:
And we did touch on this. So this is the reflect, validate and explore. And so what I would suggest people do on my Instagram page, I have a post that has this exactly lined out with the term, the reflect, validate and explore and exactly what each of those mean. I encourage my clients to screenshot that to save it in their phone, and then when they go to have their check ins, as corny as it is, you're going to pull it out and you're going to go through each of those steps. And I love watching my couples when they're reading through it and we role play it and we practice it. And then, you know, a few weeks in, they're just cruising through it like it's just second nature. Like they've been doing it all their lives. And that is what happens, you know, if you commit to doing it. And I also tell people laugh about it and be silly, make fun of each other, make fun of yourself. Like it's it doesn't have to be perfect. Just practice it.

 

Mathew Blades:
Yeah, that's that's if there's any message from today, it's that it's like it's it probably won't be perfect the first time. please. Whether it's meditation or check ins or whatever. Like just get after it and start practicing it and eventually that muscle will get where you want it to be.

 

Dr. Liz:
Yeah. Set alarms and reminders, put it on your calendar. We are controlled by our calendars, by our schedules. I set alarms for anything that is like that. You know, if it's my partner, I want to check in with and I. I know I'm going to get deep into work in the evening. I'm going to set an alarm, so it interrupts me out of that. And I can make sure to take time for intimacy because it's not just going to naturally happen. We have to be intentional with it.

 

Mathew Blades:
Yeah. Good stuff. All right. Well, listen, we're going to see everybody back for week three next week. We'll talk again about how we lose its common struggles, fears of intimacy. What if you're hardwired because of some trauma and you struggle with those intimate relationships? We will dive into all of that and again, a reminder that week for it's your questions. Please reach out to me or you. I don't care. You use it on the gram and we would love to know exactly what people are thinking about and what kinds of questions and they can be personal regarding your own situations. And don't worry, we won't bring up your name how you want us to. But this is real. To meet week for the week. And I'm the most excited about because you and I both know this storytelling. That's how people learn. And so going to hear themselves another another people.

 

Dr. Liz:
Yeah, exactly. And yes, for sure. Send us DMS and I'll, I'll put some content out on my story as it gets closer as well so that you see that and you know, ask any questions you want and we're happy to answer them. That's going to be a fun episode now.

 

Mathew Blades:
Looking forward to it. All right. We'll see everybody back here next week for week three of intimacy month here and learn from people who lived it. Doc. Have a great rest of your day.

 

Dr. Liz:
Thanks, Matthew. You, too. Thank you, Matthew, for such an insightful conversation. And thank you all for hanging out on relatable relationships unfiltered. Make sure to subscribe to our YouTube channel, Sign up for my newsletter and find me on Instagram at Dr. Elizabeth Fedrick.